Findingmyway28

My husband hasn't drank for 11 years hes done amazing. We have rebuilt our lives and our family's life and we are doing so awesome. Except for me, I feel like I'm being selfish and I'm not sure if what I'm doing is right or wrong the lines are blurry in my mind. That's why I need your help.
at first when my husbandstopped drinking I did too in support of him of course. His sobriety was number one, we didnt have booze in the house at all and for along time that worked.
until he said to me, your not an alcoholic and I dont mind people around me having a drink or two.
So I have, the last few years I've had glasses of wine at dinner ect. or special occasions.
but my problem is, when special occasions come, or I'm with my husband on vacation his reaction is to avoid fun.
( that's what it feels like)
He doesnt like socailising, only on his terms. And just goes to bed for days while I feel like my life is passing me by.
I want to live life and laugh, it doesnt even need to involve drinking. For an example we went on vacation to cuba, we had lovely times exploring the area then we'd have lovely dinners. But then the evenings when entertainment would start, he'd want to go to bed.
I of course go with him and feel so depressed just listening to everyone else have fun while we go to bed like a 90 year old.
by the way if I dont go with him, that would not be acceptable, he would be angry and I'm not sure if it is socially correct.
this happens always so much so that I'm starting to just go without him and this is where I'm feeling terrible guilt.
I'm not sure if it's right for me to even be drinking at all? Or the guilt of going and having fun without him while he goes to bed for days.
I dont know what to do, or help the situation any advice would be great.

biminiblue

I'm an alcoholic in recovery but I still like to go out and have fun. With that said, I don't like to be around drunk people at all. (Like other people out in the entertainment hours.) I do go to bed early myself, I'd far rather enjoy daytime activities.

Have you discussed this with him? In any relationship there's going to have to be compromise. I think the anger over you going out without him is a pretty big red flag.

Maybe some counseling for the two of you together so you can each get a bit of what you want and need?

D122y

I would live the life I wanted.

If i thought my drinking was ok, if I wanted to go out at night etc etc, I would do it with consideration for my wife and son. Nothing overdone.

Everyone is different.

I quit drinking about 5 years ago. My wife drinks a bit. I try to make sure she and my 17 yo know all I do about booze.

My foundation belief is booze is poison. It is highly addictive and it permenently chemically alters the user nearly immediately.

Even so called normies are at a level of addiction.

Thanks.

Findingmyway28

I think I’m worried about drinking without him. Our relationship is a bit old fashioned that way. I’m worried that I’ll be looking for trouble or perhaps be putting myself in a situation that could cause harm to our relationship.
I guess I just want to have fun with my husband and not go out alone. I guess I want the best of both worlds and I’m not sure how to go about it with him and not be pushing him in a situation where is sobriety is at risk. Of course I don’t want that.
i think I’m worried about me drinking too I don’t want to go backwards in life.
this weekend I went to our trailer without him with my daughter and her friend. We had drinks I had wine and socialized but feel so guilty and sick today. I feel so bad , he’s angry and not speaking to me.
and I don’t know if I should have just stayed home bored out of my mind while he sleeps the beautiful weekend away

Bunker

It is hell of a difficult for some alcoholics to continue socialising amongst drinkers. I struggle with that and mostly just avoid and leave. Difficult for friends and partners I know that but sometimes the choice is impossible.

ReadyAtLast

Sounds like he is trying to control you. Why on earth should he be angry that you have had a night out with your daughter and friends. There is more to this than him just not drinking imo

Surrendered19

Him wanting you to go to bed together is odd controlling behavior. A red flag. You need to live your own life and he needs to live his and the Venn diagram is where your circles overlap. I think it is awesome that you are sensitive to these issues and he is lucky to have such a considerate partner. But if you are going out without him you are not going out alone are you? You would be with friends? And your concerns about getting into trouble without him there - well I don't really know what to do with that. I think some couples counseling might help you.

If you see each other for an hour a day, go to bed at different times sometimes, maybe all the time, perhaps spend one day together on the weekend, that is an awesome amount of connection. If you need to be together doing what he is doing every moment, you will continue to be unhappy I think.

Findingmyway28

I agree a form of control, but as mentioned our relationship has always been old fashioned that way. I very rarely go out alone. We usually make plans together. We usually do like hanging out together. I just find it hard sitting on the sidelines while he watches movies while were camping. I'm sitting out there by myself.
its depressing g, I dont even care about drinking or not. I'm game to do anything other than nothing.
So maybe I've answered my own question
Do something rather than nothing and stay healthy in our relationship.
Me drinking alone, is probably not going to lead to a good place.
Thank you all , you've all given great advice and *** still listening.
Open and ready more help

Anna

I like to have fun but I do not like to be around people who are drinking a lot. I don't really like social events where alcohol is the main event. Dinners with friends where wine is served are no problem for me. Bottom line is that my social life has changed in recovery. Do you think your husband would be open to spending the weekend at your trailer if alcohol was not involved? If so, maybe you could compromise and find some activities, like a weekend at the trailer, that you would both enjoy without alcohol. And, other times, you could go out with friends when you want to drink.

biminiblue

Are you questioning your own drinking? I mean you have brought up a whole bunch of stuff!

If you're feeling "neglected" then talk to him about that. Is it reasonable? Is it fair? Keep in mind you can't control HIM either and if he wants to go to bed early then so be it.

Honestly most men would probably not want their wives drinking in bars. With friends at home, it's different. Bad things happen to women in bars when they've had a few. He is right to be concerned there.

Ask me how I know.

Findingmyway28

Thank you , I agree with you, and i am questioning my drinking. I'm feeling guilty for even wanting to drink at all. And yes I'm afraid of drinking too much and doing something stupid.
i dont want to ruin my marriage, I want to put sobriety first. I just dont know what to do with myself when I'm sitting there by myself wherever , after hes gone to bed and I feel like I'm missing out.
I feel like his sleeping is a way of controlling me too.
Because he doesnt want or expect me to do anything without him, after hes gone to bed.
The only thing I have done in the past is just feel depressed and not do anything.
I guess that's what I need to figure out

Jenny8099

I am wondering if he might also be suffering from depression. Sleeping that much and withdrawing from life seems suggest another issue all together that he might want to seek help for.

biminiblue

Yeah, I thought that too..

Does he seem sad, mad, and depressed all the time? Or do you two just have different bio-rhythms? Sleeping excessively is common in clinical depression.

In that case all anyone can do is suggest getting help and then finding ways to keep busy and satisfied outside of the one-on-one with him. Hobbies, church, book club, etc.

Findingmyway28

Honestly, he could be depressed although he was always like this sleeping for long periods of time. Even when we were very young.
he takes perscription meds, aswell, and I feel this has alot ti do with it. By the way we run our own business and work very hard. We are exhausted by the end of the week.
especially during these covid times, it maybe making it all seem worse. Not being able to plan anything.
so it's been maybe a little more depressing.
So, yes depression could definitely play a part.