Philemon

I watch documentaries on alcoholics to try to scare myself straight when I am between binges. This one absolutely terrifies me and does work sometimes if I feel like a drink.
To me it's worse than Rain in My Heart and Saving Ed Mitchel which are horrifying enough.

This is about a "wet house" which is a place that houses alcoholics who are still drinking. It's heart wrenching and sickening and shows how hopeless life is when you get to this stage of alcoholism.
I get in states like some of these people while on an anything up to 10 days long binge. Luckily, so far, I have eventually been able to pull myself out of my binges, mostly due to being too sick to drink anymore or running out of money.
But I do fear that one day, I'll go off on a binge and just not be able to stop. Just use my rent money and end up evicted and homeless or something.
For anyone, like me, looking to fill the long hours in instead of drinking, take a look at this (not for the faint hearted though)
It won't let me post link, because I haven't done enough posts.
But type "Wet House" into youtube

Philemon

Just want to add, I'm on day six of no drinking. But as I said another place, my binges are generally anywhere from 4 days to 10 days apart now, roughly the same amount of days I have stayed on them drinking 24/7. So until I reach 11 days I won't even think that this is the start of any recovery effort as it is just part of my stop/start pattern.
It's been more than 2 years since I went more than 10 days without a binge (I 100% cannot just drink for 1 night, it's always for a few days at least and a bottle of gin a day). Before 2 years ago, 14 days was the longest I had stayed off the drink.
In 20 years, the longest I have stayed off is 8 weeks.
So those are my targets, for now 11 days, 15 days, 9 weeks.

PuckLuck

Yup, my pattern of drinking is the same exact cycle as yours. Longest period of sobriety in 15 years was 8 months after 90 days inpatient, another 90 in sober living, then 2 on my own before I drank. We can do this. You should join the July Class and post daily in that thread with us. Bunch of us are there

Bunker

I also just have moderate goals. A few months here and a few there. Despite my best intentions and resolve it never sticks.

Surrendered19

Nobody knows what the future holds. I have read so many stories on SR about people picking up after 10 years or more of sobriety. But I think it is important to keep trying to live a sober life and always always always view sobriety as a permanent good in your life, something to cherish, work on and hang on to. I'm so thankful to be sober. I don't think I will ever drink again, but in the mean time, I'm certainly not going to plan on the inevitability of drinking, because it is not inevitable. Each one of us can be sober forever. We can all do it.

Philemon

Thank you for your replies guys.
yes, I intend to be sober forever, my little goals are just little milestones I will feel good about passing, just something to encourage me on. I will know I am breaking the cycle as I pass each one. When you are a binge drinker, it starts to get discouraging thinking you are "in recovery" then realising you only lasted as long as you ever do and are still in in your cycle of addiction.
Just little signs that I am breaking out of the cycle to keep me going.

PuckLuck, I don't think I could cope with the July thread, I can't always think of something to say. My memory is shocking atm and I don't think I would be able to remember peoples names and reply to their post sensibly.
And I don't really want to start saying I'm "in recovery" yet, as I don't think I could stand another round of disappointment if I let myself down and fall into the trap I keep falling into every 10 days or less.
BUT if and when I reach my first milestone, I will certainly count myself as on the way to recovered and join, thank you
I know probably people think I'm mad for the way I'm going about this, but I have no trust in myself at the moment, I think I will have to earn my trust in myself

Surrendered19

Doriss, by the way I took your advice and watched the Wet House documentary. Good Lord, that scared me straight, once again. I was a blithering doddering bleeding mess when I quit 7 months ago. Never again. Thanks for the recommendation.

Philemon

I'm glad it wasn't just me it scared the life out of surrendered, it is dreadful to watch.
I'm so happy for you that you have pulled yourself out of the state you were in, good job you! Hopefully all of us can do the same for ourselves and those we love

Surrendered19

You can do this Doriss. I was never a binge drinker like you unless you consider 30 years drinking without a day off an extended binge. I don't know what you are going through but I do know you can stay quit. It is all about wanting to walk this earth as long as we can right? If we drink that takes months or years off the total that we get. I drank until I was nearly dead so daily sobriety and the benefits of that are still very motivating for me. It would be so beautiful if you were able to make your next time stick for good. Think of the stories you could tell to keep others healthy.

Philemon

Thank you for the encouraging words surrendered, means a lot.
There are certainly differences between everyday drinkers and binge drinkers, why I think me trying to get myself sober the way everyday drinkers do and think hasn't worked, counting days and seeing every little bit of time I wasn't drinking as moving forward, was just wrong for me as a binge drinker, stopped me recognising I was caught in a cycle.
But there are a lot of similarities too. Just trying to go about this the bast way I can, for optimum impact
I'm going to give it all I've got, that much I know. I'm so glad you are doing well

Surrendered19

I get up every day so grateful for the sober day ahead. You can get there girl.

Buttery

Louis Theroux has a good one called “drinking to oblivion” if you havnt come across it yet.

Philemon

Yes Buttery, I have seen that one, it is good. Think Ive seen every one that has been made haha, but still on the lookout for more. Old Before My Time with Cheryl Healy is another good one. The young woman in that who was 32 with cirrhosis of the liver who was waiting on a liver transplant died two years after that was made, still waiting, it was in our local paper.
Another good one on youtube is in the "Drugs Map of UK" series the London one is about alcoholism. There is one about Valium, I think thats the Glasgow one. Anyway, it's a series that looks at different areas of the UK and the different drugs people are having trouble with

Fusion

Do you want to stop drinking, Doriss? SR supports abstinence, not binge drinking patterns. I worry that binge drinkers think they're not as bad as daily drinkers, but it's all addiction.

Philemon

Tatsy, I never said I think binge drinkers aren't as bad as daily drinkers. Infact I think they are worse, most daily drinkers I have know can at least keep themselves coherent most of the time, unlike binge drinkers. If you had read all of my posts, you would see, I am aiming for abstinence, but I recognise I cannot even say I have started to be in recovery until I have passed the time that I usually stay abstinent between binges. I am not and never have supported keeping up binge drinking patterns. I have however talked about recognising those patterns, as opposed to, thinking you are recovering, relapsing, recovering, relapsing

Fusion

Good news, Doriss.

Bunker

Thank you Doriss for referring to this documentary. I have just watched it and it is horrible and tragic. But for the grace etc etc. I have been in a losing fight with alcohol for a long time. I do not want to live like that. A very great motivator. Thanks again.

Philemon

Thanks Bunker, it is one depressing documentary but so is addiction.
You say you have been in a losing fight with alcohol for a long time, but alcohol is an inanimate substance. It needs you to consume it to destroy you. I think myself that I am battling my own desire to want to drink it and I am in control of myself, no one else.
To control alcohol all I have to do is not drink it. To control my desire to drink it, well the way I am looking at it, at first I might not be able to control the desire for it, but I can control my arms and legs so I just won't go buy it or drink it. But I also have a very strong desire to be free of it and the destruction to my life consuming it brings, so I will act on that desire.
I know why I want it, it takes me out of my head, where I don't want to be. But a lot of the reason I don't want to be in my own head is because of the effects alcohol is having on my brain chemistry, depression, anxiety and my emotions guilt, shame, worry,stress


So I have decided to make my head a better place to be in. From what I've read, the depression and anxiety will start to lift after a time as your brain chemistry starts to right itself and you stop drinking a liquid depressant regularly. Same with anxiety, alcohol causes changes in brain chemistry that exasperate anxiety.
There are lots of ways to cope with the stresses and strains life brings, drugs like alcohol, being the most useless and self defeating method. So I am going to try other, more natural methods instead.

I hope you can find the desire to fight Bunker, you are stronger than you think.

Philemon

PS Bunker, I went and read your thread and saw you have had some good breaks from the drink, more than me for sure, my PB over the last 20 years was 8 weeks!
Just wanted to add, one of the many many times I have been in detox, I was told it could take 6 months to a year before brain chemistry comes into proper balance again. Not that you would sit around being miserable for a year, just that at times you might be a bit more vulnerable to stress, down days, temptation to drink etc than you will be after everything gets back in balance. Don't know if it's true, but is what I was told.

Buttery

I have seen the drugs map of U.K. I think it’s a bbc one if I recall where each episode focuses on a different drug. I have found them helpful to understand how people saw me in the past and what I don’t want moving forward. I enjoy being sober now and wouldn’t change it. Just takes a few tries and fails sometimes to get there. I really don’t want to end up needing a new liver or anything. I’m still pretty young so I think I identified a lot with Joe (I think that was his name) on the Louis Theroux one and his pattern.