Misssy2

Is...Why do you keep doing this to yourself? LOL.
I don't intent to drink myself almost to death.

The problem is...the relief I get from the first 3 beers I drink is something I have never been able to obtain with exercise, talk therapy, AA or even thru relationships ...children, family, friends....The relief I know I'm going to get (even thou I know it is brief and I will regret it) always wins out when I weigh the risk and the benefit.

There is nothing else that comes to mind that is going to make me feel better and I stupidly every time convince myself that I will not let it get out of hand...and everytime it does get out of hand....That is how it happens...I do not intentionally set out to go on benders...they just happen. This is being alcoholic for me...really believing I can drink and control it STILL, even thou it has backfired on me so many times.

Today was a very rough, rough day....and I have about 10 days sober but still thought of drinking today.....to get "relief". The urge was very, very powerful.... I contacted a friend who I knew would talk to me immediately and that worked for today....I read his message over and over and over...and I will need to read it tomorrow as well.

dwtbd

Yep I know that voice. When I fully realized what It was telling me, what It was really saying and all It ever really says is “more”.
The promised relief of the initial buzz and comfort is the carrot and “More!” Is inevitable stick , and that stick has only one target every time Me.
F “more”, F It, I win.
It will never get it’s more , too bad . I win .

DontRemember

Non-drinker, non-alcoholic,ex-drinker or current drinkers.. doesn't matter.. that's a legit question. And I didn't want to answer to them because I didn't want to be honest with myself. Read your past couple days threads. Personal accountability is necessary.

ReadyAtLast

I get it, that feeling. And you're right, nothing else gives us that instant buzz. The issue for me is learning that I don't need that buzz - it's just hiding away, blotting life out, masking problems. I think as people with drink problems we are just used to getting an instant fix, an immediate answer which alcohol provided. Learning to live a 'normal' life and not getting that instant fix is the key imo. I'm learning to accept there are no instant fixes (healthy ones at least) but having to work through stuff, feel the pain and emotions on a bad day, celebrate a good day.

am sick of the highs of the hit of booze and the utter lows and sheer depths of hangovers and sickness. The plodding along on 1 level with no massive highs and lows isn't too bad an alternative

taplow

It's difficult for the two to communicate without the superior one assuming a counsellerish attitude, like some neutral, dispassionate scientist. The non drinker would believe we all have equal choices over alcohol but they're not cursed with lack of willpower. They have no idea that they're not begining from the same starting line. "Tell me, why do you drink until you get in this state? I don't get it, I really don't."
When I was sober for a few years, a woman I then worked with would tell me how she drank everyday. She wanted to talk about it but I felt I couldn't really as anything I'd say, except for giving advice to get help - advice I've never taken myself - would be meaningless. Already I felt, "I'm different to you."
Later, when I was back drinking I met her by chance and instantly brought the subject up. "I'm drinking again, are you?" We had a long talk. I don't know if I helped her. But talking to an alcoholic from a sober standpoint is just like prodding a bear with a stick.

DriGuy

That three drink high came in shorter and shorter durations as my alcoholism progressed. I don't think the high made me relieved about anything other than my craving for alcohol. Although I've heard many people make the claim that the alcohol high relieved their problems, I never believed that. Alcohol creates stress that comes in the form of cravings. Alcohol then satisfies the cravings, which reduces the stress caused by alcohol. It is the classic vicious cycle. This specific cycle is so common, that it has been given its own name. It is called alcoholism.

I have not one doubt in my mind that you believe what you said when you say alcohol brings you relief. But it's not relief from your problems. It's relief from your alcoholism. The relief is more fleeting than the cycle, which is taking place 24/7 when you are drunk and when you are sober. For me the high, which you call relief, actually lasted about 3 minutes a night toward the end, and after that I was too drunk to think anything through. I just spent the rest of the night reaching for the bottle.

You are aware of this to some degree right now. That's why you are posting and worried about your behavior. All I can tell you is to hang in there through the cravings, find alternatives that help. While this won't solve the problem right now, they will help a little. But every "little" helps. Eventually, you won't struggle with the cycle. This takes time to get better. The rewards are not right away, but there not as far in the future as you may think. Be strong, draw on your determination, and break the cycle.

PalmerSage

I know exactly the feeling you're describing - I used to feel SO "wound up" and the only way to hit the release valve was to drink. The thing I didn't realize at first is that my drinking actually created the anxious, wound-up feeling in the first place, so once I was able to finally stop drinking for a little while, the cycle started to break. Initially, I felt like I had two speeds: anxious and just completely emotionally flat, and my answer to both of those had always been drinking in the past. But then things leveled out significantly, and now in sobriety I often feel a peaceful calm that drinking NEVER gave me.

Cityboy

Missy, I thought the same exact things. From about days 7 to 30 were the most dangerous for me as far as thinking about drinking again. After that, and with some time here on SR, I began to see it all for what it really was. The "relief" is a hoax, which you would not even want if not for having drank the previous day. The enormous amount of energy spent trying to manage the drinking is just a huge waste of thought processes that could be much better spent elsewhere.

D122y

Your post is inspiring. I feel like you are committed to recovery but are struggling with the permanent brain damage....like me.

I can only offer my experience, no advice. I am rx drug free and get my forever drug fix naturally through exercise, kindness, gratitude, forgiveness etc.

I call what you are dealing with suffering.

My suffering ramped up for the first 9 months. By then, I thought I was going insane.

SR saved me.

I still suffer but it doesn't hurt like it used to. It didn't really get better, I got used to feeling crazy, then it got better.

I craved yesterday. But, it went away. It goes away like falling asleep....I don't even realize it.

Thanks.

taplow

Gone

Robbie64

I think it's only the first two or three drinks that I ever enjoy. After that it's simply the addiction taking over. Back when I was a "normal" drinker (and there was a time when I was) three drinks was usually my limit. I still can never work out whta happened and why I went from being a normla social drinker to being an alcoholic. It didn't happen overnight but in the space of a couple of years I went from a normal drinker to alcoholic. My tolerance level for alcohol went up dramatically.

In the early days I didn't really enjoy drinking too much. How I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from pushing my tolerance levels to the limits. It's been the cause of over 31 years of abject misery.

Aellyce

Of course I relate to liking the euphoria, too, but IMO, there is big difference between feeling high and really improved quality of well-being. We don't usually stop at 3 drinks, that's the problem... we chase something much more dramatic and excessive, also too frequently for all sorts of "reasons", not merely to take the edge off very occasionally. I think "we do this to ourselves" because we seek the high, not mere relief.

ImNotThatGuy

I'm only on my third day sober so I can completely understand. Just a few nights ago I remember settling in to that comfortable feeling for a few minutes... then came hours of oblivion followed by shame that persists to this moment and beyond. It's not worth it. That "relief" is just something any addict feels when they get their fix.

And don't even try to talk about your drinking or sobriety with a non-alcoholic. They might as well be a different species on this subject.

sugarbear1

I've been in and out of AA for 25 years. I knew I was not honest when half attempts were made while working the steps (I found out years later I was misled by people who didn't understand how to sponsor others.

I went back in 2011 and I found someone who could guide me through those steps for RELIEF.

That same relief I got from the first drink or so.

Find a program of recovery to work and work it like it's life or death. Because it is; It's about your life or your death.

Cityboy

Are you doing OK Missy?

Bertyboy

What a great post with some real home truths that I can relate too.

Day 1 for me so I’m hoping to keep reading and bring out that ‘Honest’ reflection of myself and where I am at just now, which is quite frankly a bad bad place.

thanks.

PeaceManic

The alcohol high is a strange one. I think it's a mixture of the chemicals and the weight of the anxiety and neurosis temporarily disappearing, unfortunately also any common sense going with them.

It's never worth it, as it soon (getting sooner and sooner) turns into a life and death struggle for me to try and get off it safely as possible.

I'm not sure I agree there aren't comparable and much cleaner highs. They take more work and aren't instantaneous, but I'm sure basics such as eating, exercise and relaxation ar the way to go.