The regret
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 1
The regret
Hi, I am new to this forum and just finished my 3 day detox today. I feel ok physically but struggling so much mentally with the regret of all the harm I caused to myself, my loved ones and others. I am getting divorced and have limited time with my kids and have lost friends. The extent of it all didn’t become clear until I became sober.
Anyone have any good thoughts on how you deal with that regret and still maintain the strength for sobriety? I know it should be simple - alcohol made you lose everything which should be reason enough to stop. But I feel like now that I already lost it all, why stop? I am struggling.
Anyone have any good thoughts on how you deal with that regret and still maintain the strength for sobriety? I know it should be simple - alcohol made you lose everything which should be reason enough to stop. But I feel like now that I already lost it all, why stop? I am struggling.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
Welcome to the family. 
I'd suggest you stay sober cause if you drink again, you never know how low you'll fall. There is always something worse that can happen so don't risk it.
I love my sober life.
I wake up feeling good and I know I won't do anything to get myself in trouble.
I hope you'll read and post and soak up all the support you'll find here.
I'd suggest you stay sober cause if you drink again, you never know how low you'll fall. There is always something worse that can happen so don't risk it. I love my sober life.
I wake up feeling good and I know I won't do anything to get myself in trouble.I hope you'll read and post and soak up all the support you'll find here.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,531
Glad to meet you, Hhk. You're in good company - we all understand. You'll find encouragement here. Congratulations on completing your detox. I know you're still feeling shaky & vulnerable - it's normal.
Regret and remorse was a big problem for me when I was newly sober. I'd been foggy most of the time for years. I was still able to work & get by, but was not paying full attention to what was going on in my life. I hurt and confused many people with my reckless behavior. In my heart, I knew I wasn't that irresponsible person - the drunk me was nothing like the actual me. It's so hard to explain it to a normal drinker. That's why being here helped me so much - I never felt isolated and alone after joining.
I hope with time you'll gain strength and confidence. Hold your head up and be kind & patient with yourself. You're beginning a new life - you're free.
Regret and remorse was a big problem for me when I was newly sober. I'd been foggy most of the time for years. I was still able to work & get by, but was not paying full attention to what was going on in my life. I hurt and confused many people with my reckless behavior. In my heart, I knew I wasn't that irresponsible person - the drunk me was nothing like the actual me. It's so hard to explain it to a normal drinker. That's why being here helped me so much - I never felt isolated and alone after joining.
I hope with time you'll gain strength and confidence. Hold your head up and be kind & patient with yourself. You're beginning a new life - you're free.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
Things are never so bad that they can't be worse, and there is nothing alcohol cannot make worse.
While it may appear that you have lost everything, you haven't. Maybe make a list of things you still have to be grateful for. I assure you, there are many.
Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here.
While it may appear that you have lost everything, you haven't. Maybe make a list of things you still have to be grateful for. I assure you, there are many.
Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
some great advice here HNK - welcome!
My motivation, simply, was to do better.
I knew I could do better the the life I'd been given, and I have since I got sober.
You have an added layer there of doing better for your kids.
Regardless of how limited the time is you see them you'll always be their parent - there's no better time to start working on rebuilding that relationship afresh - and the only way to do that is sober
D
My motivation, simply, was to do better.
I knew I could do better the the life I'd been given, and I have since I got sober.
You have an added layer there of doing better for your kids.
Regardless of how limited the time is you see them you'll always be their parent - there's no better time to start working on rebuilding that relationship afresh - and the only way to do that is sober
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I think that early recovery is so hard mentally. It's the time when we have to stop and look at the messes we created with our drinking, and it can be overwhelming. But, I know you can get through it, slowly but surely. Focus on staying sober and being the best person and best dad that you can be.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I know exactly how you feel. I have lost everything. No marriage/kids involved, but everything else pretty much. Most of the damage was to myself but I feel an immense amount of shame and guilt. Left with a pervasive sense of hopelessness as my constant companion.
It helps to remind myself that people have come back from much worse and gone on to find happiness. There will be dark days ahead. I still have them. You certainly shouldn't feel that you are a horrible person. No one asks to be an alcoholic.
It helps to remind myself that people have come back from much worse and gone on to find happiness. There will be dark days ahead. I still have them. You certainly shouldn't feel that you are a horrible person. No one asks to be an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Hi HHK. I really know how you feel. It's not easy, and whatever we say those feelings will probably remain to some extent. In a way I don't think they are ALL bad - I'd be a pretty terrible human if I didn't regret the way I've treated certain people.
Having said that, if those feelings make your sobriety at risk then you have to do something with them - part of my insanity when drinking was the remorse drove me to carry on and do MORE of the stuff that made me feel so guilty.
I make the decision to take RESPONSIBILITY for the past but repeat, almost as a mantra, I cannot change the past. Taking responsibility means not repeating mistakes, learning from the past and doing all I can to make the present (and therefore future) better. It's hard and there are days I am overcome by grief at why I've lost and how much stuff I've ****** up. But what choice have we got? Become paralyzed by shame? No - got to move forward no matter how it feels
Having said that, if those feelings make your sobriety at risk then you have to do something with them - part of my insanity when drinking was the remorse drove me to carry on and do MORE of the stuff that made me feel so guilty.
I make the decision to take RESPONSIBILITY for the past but repeat, almost as a mantra, I cannot change the past. Taking responsibility means not repeating mistakes, learning from the past and doing all I can to make the present (and therefore future) better. It's hard and there are days I am overcome by grief at why I've lost and how much stuff I've ****** up. But what choice have we got? Become paralyzed by shame? No - got to move forward no matter how it feels
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
Welcome HHK! Ugh...the regret and shame in the beginning is awful. I could barely hold my head up the first month due to the shame of what I’d done to my family and close friends. It was horrific and shocking
But, I promise you—IT WILL GET MUCH BETTER. It will be GREAT actually. Truly. Focus on the relief you will feel once you get more sober time.
Most of us have been right where you are you now, so keep checking in.
Hang on and remember there is HOPE and HAPPINESS in your future. The dark feelings will disappear sooner than you think if you stay sober. Problems with your family are repairable.
You truly can redeem yourself, get your life back and it will be better than before.
Are you going to do AA or some other type of peer program after your detox?
Sending you all the best thoughts and support.
But, I promise you—IT WILL GET MUCH BETTER. It will be GREAT actually. Truly. Focus on the relief you will feel once you get more sober time.
Most of us have been right where you are you now, so keep checking in.
Hang on and remember there is HOPE and HAPPINESS in your future. The dark feelings will disappear sooner than you think if you stay sober. Problems with your family are repairable.
You truly can redeem yourself, get your life back and it will be better than before.
Are you going to do AA or some other type of peer program after your detox?
Sending you all the best thoughts and support.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 365
Hi Hhk, you and I are "day buddies" I guess as I'm only on the third day myself. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in that nihilistic thinking. I gave in to it after a pretty decent stretch of sober time. Not only did the drink not kill my pain or fix what was wrong in my life; it made it worse.
Good luck with everything.
Good luck with everything.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
one if the ways to deal with regrets is to do the 12-step stuff suggested in AA. when i finally did that, i got to clean up the harm i had done as best as possible.
that was helpful to me and my regrets.
it’s true we cannot change the past, but sometimes/often we can change the way it impacts the present.
that was helpful to me and my regrets.
it’s true we cannot change the past, but sometimes/often we can change the way it impacts the present.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: East Midlands
Posts: 35
I know its difficult but I would really encourage self compassion. I think we can all say our actions/behaviour don't match our values whilst we drink. I struggle with the guilt too. The worry I cause my other half. My kids being scared to see me so drunk I cant physically stand up. I know it's not the real me though and I find that does give me some strength.
You've got this and I'm rooting for you 👍
You've got this and I'm rooting for you 👍
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,916
There is much more to getting sober than just not drinking.
You may want to give AA a try. The program can help you deal with regrets from the past and fears about the future. And as a bonus, you can meet a bunch of sober people who have gone through what you are feeling.
You may want to give AA a try. The program can help you deal with regrets from the past and fears about the future. And as a bonus, you can meet a bunch of sober people who have gone through what you are feeling.
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