Entertaining the possibility of drinking
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 103
Entertaining the possibility of drinking
After about a year and a half of continuous sobriety, I've found myself regularly entertaining the possibility of drinking in the last several weeks. I've grown detached from my recovery program because of the lack of in-person meetings (and my corresponding disinterest in Zoom meetings). Pre-pandemic, I had a great routine on which I relied and close relationships that have become distant. Sometimes I even question whether I really want a life of sobriety. I harbor no illusions that I could ever "moderate" my drinking - if I were to drink, I'd be off to the races. Of course this is all bad news for my sobriety, health, relationships, and general well-being.
The good news is that every time these thoughts cross my mind, I end up back in the same place - all things considered, I want to drink less than I don't want to drink. So far.
I realize I am participating in a risky high-wire act, and I know what I need to do to get myself back to safety - re-engage with my program and with the people in it and get focused on helping others rather than focusing on myself and my circumstances. So, I'll do that.
No earth shattering revelations in this post, but it is good for me to write this out and acknowledge how I'm feeling to others. Hopefully it will help someone else somehow, and I know it helps me.
One last thing - I want to thank the people who post about their struggles and Day Ones. You've helped me - and likely others - keep the scales tipped in favor of sobriety at a very delicate time in my life. I wish you all (and everyone else) the best.
Ringside
The good news is that every time these thoughts cross my mind, I end up back in the same place - all things considered, I want to drink less than I don't want to drink. So far.
I realize I am participating in a risky high-wire act, and I know what I need to do to get myself back to safety - re-engage with my program and with the people in it and get focused on helping others rather than focusing on myself and my circumstances. So, I'll do that.
No earth shattering revelations in this post, but it is good for me to write this out and acknowledge how I'm feeling to others. Hopefully it will help someone else somehow, and I know it helps me.
One last thing - I want to thank the people who post about their struggles and Day Ones. You've helped me - and likely others - keep the scales tipped in favor of sobriety at a very delicate time in my life. I wish you all (and everyone else) the best.
Ringside
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
Yeah never confuse abstinence with control ringside - sounds like you already know that.
If you can't engage in your old recovery routine right now, why not start a new one?
If the zoom meetings you've tried aren't working for you maybe try some more? try text meetings, or phone meetings?
If you've lost contact with people who were good for your recovery why not re initiate contact on a cyber way?
I liken recovery to maintaining a car - we can't take it for granted.
if we want the thing to work everytime we need it we need to expend a little time and energy on maintenance?
D
If you can't engage in your old recovery routine right now, why not start a new one?
If the zoom meetings you've tried aren't working for you maybe try some more? try text meetings, or phone meetings?
If you've lost contact with people who were good for your recovery why not re initiate contact on a cyber way?
I liken recovery to maintaining a car - we can't take it for granted.
if we want the thing to work everytime we need it we need to expend a little time and energy on maintenance?
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
I hope that you can get thru this "patch"....this happens to people when they reach big milestones...and they either get thru it or they don't. I had 8 years and each year was difficult at anniversary time...and sometimes in between the years I had thoughts....I did eventually give in and it the last 6 years I struggle to keep the drink down again....
You have all new habits...you have support...you have health..you probably look a lot better than you did a year ago.
I will tell you how unbelievable and how quickly alcohol can make you feel like you are back to square one...you will feel so horrible about yourself (even if you think you won't)...and you may never be able to get and put together any sober time again....its a very unpredictable condition....
I would give anything right now had I not picked up a drink in 2014 after not drinking for the 8 years.....I would give anything to be sitting on 15 years of sobriety right now....but I am at 9 days...I can't pull my **** together again and I have had many hospital visits and near death experiences in the last 6 years...and it only takes ONE TIME to drink and your life can be a huge mess in a very short time.
You have all new habits...you have support...you have health..you probably look a lot better than you did a year ago.
I will tell you how unbelievable and how quickly alcohol can make you feel like you are back to square one...you will feel so horrible about yourself (even if you think you won't)...and you may never be able to get and put together any sober time again....its a very unpredictable condition....
I would give anything right now had I not picked up a drink in 2014 after not drinking for the 8 years.....I would give anything to be sitting on 15 years of sobriety right now....but I am at 9 days...I can't pull my **** together again and I have had many hospital visits and near death experiences in the last 6 years...and it only takes ONE TIME to drink and your life can be a huge mess in a very short time.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
“Of course this is all bad news for my sobriety, health, relationships, and general well-being. ”
well no, not unless you act on it.
the wird “entertaining” is interesting. entertaining as in inviting to come in, and then making sure this guest is comfy and offering them snackies!
how about shoving them out and finding ways to bolt the door?
well no, not unless you act on it.
the wird “entertaining” is interesting. entertaining as in inviting to come in, and then making sure this guest is comfy and offering them snackies!
how about shoving them out and finding ways to bolt the door?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Chicago
Posts: 252
I'm no expert here as i am back to day 3....but everytime I had substancial time and would start entertaining those ideas.... The longer I thought on it without making a new change I ended up drinking... Sounds like you already know that... Trust me as someone who just came off a bender it is sooooo not worth it
Re-Tread
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
Thanks Ringside your post definitely helped me. I have not ever been able to rack up the kind of time you have, so no experience with that. I find it interesting how well you were able to describe what it is like. Right now I think about turning around and drinking pretty often, but I only have 10 weeks so that comes with the territory.
Do you think if you wanted to drink more than you wanted to stay sober you would pick up right away? I feel like theres times I want to drink more than I care to stay sober but something is stopping me. There is so much danger down that drinking road. I hope I can remember that the further away I get from alcohol.
What is it about the idea of a sober life that is now less appealing?
Do you think if you wanted to drink more than you wanted to stay sober you would pick up right away? I feel like theres times I want to drink more than I care to stay sober but something is stopping me. There is so much danger down that drinking road. I hope I can remember that the further away I get from alcohol.
What is it about the idea of a sober life that is now less appealing?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,406
Phone ppl who you went to meetings with and text them your thoughts. Get communicating with them. Also read all of the AA literature and go back through the steps. How’s your conscious contact with a god of your understanding? Where’s your gratitude at? Get working on all of these things. Take your recovery back to basics and get doing what you did in the early days 🙏
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,057
I just read your one year sobriety thread. You sounded pretty elated to achieve it, don't throw all that away.
Moderation is not an option for alcoholics. You will set yourself up for a life of obsessive thoughts of drinking, not drinking, quiting, restarting and regret.
Stay sober.
Moderation is not an option for alcoholics. You will set yourself up for a life of obsessive thoughts of drinking, not drinking, quiting, restarting and regret.
Stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
This lockdown is a thief. It's taking things from people - big things like jobs, livelihoods, dreams and hopes - and smaller but still important things like hugs, catch-ups over coffee, and the stuff of routines that you've mentioned.
But to be drinking alcoholically during lockdown - that's like giving the thief a helping hand, holding the door open while they strip your house bare. Loss of routine is hard, loss of physical contact is disorienting and can be traumatic, but start drinking and you will lose a whole lot more.
I would acknowledge the grief. Early on, I likened the lockdown more to a war-time experience than a financial crisis, and I think I was right. Nothing will be the same for any of us. Mourn what you have lost and are losing.
I'd see this as a new phase of sobriety, where it's not about launching yourself into a new life but about mastering uncertainty while sober and not trying to escape. Loads of my friends are drinking way too much because they can't deal with the uncertainty and the loss of their everyday life. They are not faring well, even if they aren't necessarily alcoholics. I'm grateful to have my sobriety through this. I am not taking it for granted, even coming up on 5 years sober.
But to be drinking alcoholically during lockdown - that's like giving the thief a helping hand, holding the door open while they strip your house bare. Loss of routine is hard, loss of physical contact is disorienting and can be traumatic, but start drinking and you will lose a whole lot more.
I would acknowledge the grief. Early on, I likened the lockdown more to a war-time experience than a financial crisis, and I think I was right. Nothing will be the same for any of us. Mourn what you have lost and are losing.
I'd see this as a new phase of sobriety, where it's not about launching yourself into a new life but about mastering uncertainty while sober and not trying to escape. Loads of my friends are drinking way too much because they can't deal with the uncertainty and the loss of their everyday life. They are not faring well, even if they aren't necessarily alcoholics. I'm grateful to have my sobriety through this. I am not taking it for granted, even coming up on 5 years sober.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 73
Still very early on myself, 41 days, and every post above is 100 % accurate. That's exactly how I ended up failing everytime. Starts with the simple thoughts and then spirals out of control. Before I know it bam, day 1 all over again.
With all the bs that's going on in the world the excuses are there to fall. Being so new to this I can still see the aftermath of what's to come if I were too drink. It will start with getting pissed, then talking myself into self hatred, then the big f-it. Just once wont hurt. Will get blitzed and feel like crap. Awe screw it, too old to feel like garbage one red eye early in then morning to get through the day after. Next will be an excuse for one more. The 1st one worked great so why not another. Then starts the cycle. Maybe hiding booze around, maybe not, a lie or two to give a reason to go buy some more just so the day isn't so painful.
Then comes the guilt, shame, anger, no sleep and with that more reasons to keep going. 2 weeks pass by and still rolling. Get so sick that I just cant get anymore drinks in.
Now imagine the thoughts of " what did I do", I was doing so well, what the he!! is wrong with me, never again etc etc. We all know the drill. The sweats, shakes, night terrors, absolute misery and maybe even a ER trip because the withdrawls get so bad I think I'm gonna die. Blood pressure is through he ceiling, hearts slamming against the chest, 100s of dollars wasted and the worst thing, for me, was watching the clock. Telling myself 1 more hour down, almost 6 hours till day is done etc. Days of watching the clock waiting and hoping to get through the first 3 days.
It's a vicious heartless cycle that's not worth entertaining. Listen to a meeting, talk with a loved one, call a sponsor, workout till you pass out whatever. Do whatever it takes to avoid the mind screwing rollercoaster ride that follows.
With all the bs that's going on in the world the excuses are there to fall. Being so new to this I can still see the aftermath of what's to come if I were too drink. It will start with getting pissed, then talking myself into self hatred, then the big f-it. Just once wont hurt. Will get blitzed and feel like crap. Awe screw it, too old to feel like garbage one red eye early in then morning to get through the day after. Next will be an excuse for one more. The 1st one worked great so why not another. Then starts the cycle. Maybe hiding booze around, maybe not, a lie or two to give a reason to go buy some more just so the day isn't so painful.
Then comes the guilt, shame, anger, no sleep and with that more reasons to keep going. 2 weeks pass by and still rolling. Get so sick that I just cant get anymore drinks in.
Now imagine the thoughts of " what did I do", I was doing so well, what the he!! is wrong with me, never again etc etc. We all know the drill. The sweats, shakes, night terrors, absolute misery and maybe even a ER trip because the withdrawls get so bad I think I'm gonna die. Blood pressure is through he ceiling, hearts slamming against the chest, 100s of dollars wasted and the worst thing, for me, was watching the clock. Telling myself 1 more hour down, almost 6 hours till day is done etc. Days of watching the clock waiting and hoping to get through the first 3 days.
It's a vicious heartless cycle that's not worth entertaining. Listen to a meeting, talk with a loved one, call a sponsor, workout till you pass out whatever. Do whatever it takes to avoid the mind screwing rollercoaster ride that follows.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,154
Originally Posted by Ringside 
After about a year and a half of continuous sobriety, I've found myself regularly entertaining the possibility of drinking in the last several weeks. I've grown detached from my recovery program because of the lack of in-person meetings (and my corresponding disinterest in Zoom meetings). Pre-pandemic, I had a great routine on which I relied and close relationships that have become distant. Sometimes I even question whether I really want a life of sobriety. I harbor no illusions that I could ever "moderate" my drinking
If it's the later, your AV is likely capitalizing on a situation to make a case to quit recovery. During recovery even after the first year, you are going to run into situations which require decisions to drink or not to drink. If it wasn't the pandemic, it would be something else. These are not abnormal challenges. I guarantee they will emerge. And each presents a turning point that can begin the plunge back to insanity, or can strengthen your confidence in yourself and the joy of sobriety. I look at these situations as life tests. They are like final exams. If you fail, you get no credit, and you have to start your education all over again. If you advance you get to take the next class, which presents a different challenge. The ultimate goal is to pass all the exams, and take all the classes. There is no graduation from the process where it all ends. You either keep getting better or you go back to the person you were.
The other possibility is that if it's about having your support group pulled out from under you, and you feel left stranded with all your escapes from alcoholism taken away, it could be one or two things. It may be an issue of self reliance that you find yourself struggling with. For me AA was only one tool in my recovery. I stayed with it for years simply because I liked being in contact with the group, but AA never became my only tool. I also knew that my life would be more than AA, and I viewed a healthy life as free from dependence on outside sources. I never wanted to depend on AA. I only wanted to use it as a tool, not a dialysis machine I would be tied to for life.
Also remember; the feeling of being stranded and without support is an outside factor. You need to develop tools within yourself that are not affected by outside sources. Being stranded by forces beyond your control is one of those final exams which must be passed so you can move on to the next course. Recovery is not only about a support group. There's a change within you that needs to happen. In the end, recovery is all your doing independent of outside factors that push you about like a sailboat without a rudder. That strength is in you, and you need to nurture it. You can still go back to AA when this is over and share what you have learned about yourself from the pandemic. But successful recovery is about finding that inner strength. To me that is recovery.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by Ringside
Sometimes I even question whether I really want a life of sobriety. I harbor no illusions that I could ever "moderate" my drinking - if I were to drink, I'd be off to the races.
...it is good for me to write this out and acknowledge how I'm feeling to others. Hopefully it will help someone else somehow, and I know it helps me.
...it is good for me to write this out and acknowledge how I'm feeling to others. Hopefully it will help someone else somehow, and I know it helps me.
Resisting change has always invited pain and suffering in my experience. It's also a very convenient way to procrastinate. I've lost or wasted more time than I intended.
Adapting to a changing environment is among the most difficult challenges we face over the course of a lifetime. It's part of being human. And everything changes. Sometimes in a flash, as though we forgot to pay attention. And then we forget to pay attention the next time.
Keep on talking.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
Hey Ringside, how are you doing?
I did that entertaining thing. With about a year's sobriety, I played around and played around with the idea of drinking for months. Reason: I hadn't found anything in the world that I cared about more than booze. You get sober for yourself, but you stay sober because life becomes worthwhile, and it does that because of what you put into living. I just wasn't that interested in living, and that was the problem I had to deal with. The idle mind is the devil's playground. Because I was avoiding dealing with my problems finding value in sober life, drinking ideas had a lot of space to run around.
Gotta ask the question someone here asked me: What do you care about?
I did that entertaining thing. With about a year's sobriety, I played around and played around with the idea of drinking for months. Reason: I hadn't found anything in the world that I cared about more than booze. You get sober for yourself, but you stay sober because life becomes worthwhile, and it does that because of what you put into living. I just wasn't that interested in living, and that was the problem I had to deal with. The idle mind is the devil's playground. Because I was avoiding dealing with my problems finding value in sober life, drinking ideas had a lot of space to run around.
Gotta ask the question someone here asked me: What do you care about?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,466
Ringside, the pandemic has pushed all of us out of our comfort zones. I'm sorry that your recovery plan has been shaken up. Is it possible to come up with a new/different recovery plan that will work for you? How are you doing today?
Catch and Release
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Crazy Canuck
Posts: 441
Don't romanticize the drink. It will only bring you a very fleeting satisfaction and then will leave you destroyed and hating yourself. You've come so far. You've experienced all the holidays/birthdays, that happen in a year and done it sober. Don't throw that away. Don't squander your life for a damn drink.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 103
Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful and encouraging replies. I haven't drank, don't plan to, and am doing well today. I am pleased that even when I have those thoughts, I don't have to act on them, and can view them with some detachment, if that makes any sense. That being said, I think it is a great point that danger lies in not changing anything, even if yesterday or today or tomorrow I don't feel like I'm in imminent danger of drinking. By "changing" things I don't mean thinking my way out of it - I have proven in the past that I can't do that - but I mean physically doing something different - picking up the phone, posting here, going to an outdoor meeting, spending time with my support network, keeping busy with housework, etc.
Tomorrow I'll be going to an AA holiday get together and will see a number of people I haven't seen in quite a while, so I'm really looking forward to that. I do agree that I need to expand my recovery tools a bit.
Fallow, to answer your first question, I think that even if I reached a point where I wanted to drink more than I wanted to stay sober, there would still time to bail out, as long as I don't have immediate access to booze. That is the main reason I don't keep it in the house. I would need to have the discipline to use the tools at my disposal - a sponsor, posting here, just doing something before actually picking up. In fact, I think in particularly challenging times, there have been moments where I have wanted to drink more than I've wanted to stay sober. But they are just moments and they pass if I let them. And in general I view this as just a phase - albeit a potentially dangerous one - that will pass...again, if I let it. Your second question is a very interesting one - I'm not sure there is anything less appealing about a sober life now, it is just that the idea of getting drunk had more appeal recently. But as I sit here now, it does indeed sound bad - very bad.
Courage, your question is a great one, and it really made me think: What do I care about? I think my answer, at this point, is myself. By that, I mean my well-being - primarily my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. It is a bit selfish, but recovery is a bit selfish in many ways. However, I know that by placing my recovery ahead of everything else, I have far more to give to others than I otherwise would.
Thanks again everyone - this has helped me tremendously.
Tomorrow I'll be going to an AA holiday get together and will see a number of people I haven't seen in quite a while, so I'm really looking forward to that. I do agree that I need to expand my recovery tools a bit.
Fallow, to answer your first question, I think that even if I reached a point where I wanted to drink more than I wanted to stay sober, there would still time to bail out, as long as I don't have immediate access to booze. That is the main reason I don't keep it in the house. I would need to have the discipline to use the tools at my disposal - a sponsor, posting here, just doing something before actually picking up. In fact, I think in particularly challenging times, there have been moments where I have wanted to drink more than I've wanted to stay sober. But they are just moments and they pass if I let them. And in general I view this as just a phase - albeit a potentially dangerous one - that will pass...again, if I let it. Your second question is a very interesting one - I'm not sure there is anything less appealing about a sober life now, it is just that the idea of getting drunk had more appeal recently. But as I sit here now, it does indeed sound bad - very bad.
Courage, your question is a great one, and it really made me think: What do I care about? I think my answer, at this point, is myself. By that, I mean my well-being - primarily my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. It is a bit selfish, but recovery is a bit selfish in many ways. However, I know that by placing my recovery ahead of everything else, I have far more to give to others than I otherwise would.
Thanks again everyone - this has helped me tremendously.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
^^^ Good stuff! Have a good day at the holiday get-together.
Totally agree. there've definitely been times -- many times for me, in the early months. When I'd get home from work, I'd get straight into my pajamas, so that it would be harder, given a strong f***-it urge, to run out to the liquor store. The simple delay of having to put on clothes & shoes gave me pause to consider posting here instead.
Originally Posted by Ringside
I think that even if I reached a point where I wanted to drink more than I wanted to stay sober, there would still time to bail out, as long as I don't have immediate access to booze. That is the main reason I don't keep it in the house. .
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