Misssy2

So..I was here about 5/31...drunk.
Was supposed to start a program but my insurance sux and it was a 2wk program of DBT (not alcohol) but DBT to deal with emotional triggers differently than with drinking...However, they said my insurance would make me pay 55 dollars a day and extra on the days I had to see a Dr.

So I drank again...and then I had 2 more weeks off of drinking.
And then I drank again....I am a week sober today....Like my title says I love writing but don't like replies...
The minute I get replies my anxiety goes up.....and I feel pressured to answer every one of them....

But, I felt it was important to share the hell of this repeated cycle of drinking over not being able to cope with life and then ending up 1/2 dead...and not being able to cope with feeling 1/2 dead.

I binge drink...and by that I mean...If I were to drink a beer right now at 9pm at night...I would continue to 3-4 in the morning....sleep....wake up about 9.....drink.....all day/all night...do not eat food.....possibly go out and get more alcohol.....before I got too drunk around 10am even thou I would likely still be drunk from the night before...because there is no one to SEND for alcohol anymore...no one wants a hand in my death.

So...I would drink and drink for 4-5 days...with no food...just go into total oblivion...until I felt like death and then stop, hydrate, take viatmins, sleep, start eating again....repeat.

This time....my pee was brown for 3 days....I know what that means....that means my liver and kidneys were not happy....that could mean cirrohisis….I think I am scared straight this time....

For the last week I have come across pretty strong against some of my demons (some very troublesome situations in my life)….And I feel really good. I have a Neurologist apt on Thurs (I have a form of a brain condition) and I am probably going to lie to her and tell her I haven't drank since June 4th....because that is all my other Drs know.....and I pray I am not going to drink again....just one day..one hour...one minute at a time.

I wrote this for anyone still suffering with addiction....everyone is not well...forums like this....many seem well and sometimes that makes it intimidating to put yourself out there in a way it can make you feel like more of a hopeless failure....there are plenty of "us" reading the boards still suffering.....

I don't want to die...so I'm going to hope that I don't do this to myself mind and body again.

Dee74

I'm glad you made it back Missy.

There's no rules on replying to every post

If you really don't want feedback you can always use the SR blogs and set them to private.
I like to think we all get something from the replies, but we are all different

D

Anna

Misssy, I, like many of us here, have been in the same place that you are right now. There is no judgment here and you are definitely not a failure. You are here and trying to heal. We're all here to help each other and to help ourselves. I'm glad that you're seeing your doctor and I urge you to be honest with her.

MaximusD

We can all thank your post rather than respond if that helps your anxiety. Thanked.

Surrendered19

Thanks Missy.

anxiousrock

Hi Missy,
Don't feel obligated to reply to everyone, we just want to offer our support to you for your choice to stop drinking.
be honest with your doctors though, they are there to help

Bethany57

Thank you for being honest and posting. Your post is just a reminder of how deadly this disease is. Your posts helped me tremendously and I thank you for sharing it. We can do this. It is not easy but we can do it. Please continue to post for support....no replies needed.

biminiblue

I appreciate your honesty.

I tend to tell it like it is too.

Sometimes that goes well for me and sometimes it doesn't. I get angsty when I tell parts of my story. I don't know why; I guess telling them makes it real or exposes me and I feel vulnerable. I've learned to keep a lot of stuff to myself. I'm not saying that's right, but it's less stressful for me.