I can barely recognize myself after 2 years (in a good way)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 17
I can barely recognize myself after 2 years (in a good way)
Apologies for the long post, I have only posted a few times in the past when I was in a pretty dark place, but I have been checking in pretty regularly. I want to thank everyone with the courage to post their experiences, good and bad, and pray for everyone to find some measure of peace with whatever your situation may be. This site has been a blessing for me, even though I have mostly watched from a distance.
Anyhow, just over 2 years ago, I hit my version of rock bottom. I was on the verge of losing my wife and young daughter because up until that point I couldn’t come to grips with the depth of my problem with alcohol. I had fallen into a cycle that had become hopeless. I questioned how long I would live (40 at the time). I put myself and others in danger. I knew with absolute certainty that this cycle would end arrest, illness, death, or worse (hurting loved ones), yet I still could not stop.
There was always a rationalization why I could drink. They are all such ridiculous lies when I look back on them now. It could range from “It’s not as bad as (insert name)” to “Well, it’s already this bad, probably can’t turn back now”. Completely contradicting arguments that make no sense at all, but hey, at the time it felt like pure truth.
The day my wife threw me out of the house was the worst experience of my adult life. It also probably saved my life and makes me now realize how much love that really took. For the sake of time, I won’t go into all the gory details, but we had been through the cycle a few times and it hit the breaking point. It was the first time it really sunk in that my toes were over the ledge and one more step could cost me everything. That night was intensely horrible (physically and mentally), and I equally hate and cherish the memory.
I did not sleep for 1 second that night (maybe a few), but it caused me to take a true measure of where I was and how I had gotten to that spot. At some point I realized I was in the fight of my life and I had to prepare for battle. I needed a support system, so I turned to my family and friends, laid my soul bare, and immediately knew who truly cared about me. I had to move on from some old “friends” and even some family, in the end it really made me realize how blessed I have been.
It actually makes me tear up thinking of the support I received, sometimes from the most unexpected places. I know that I am in a lucky position to find that kind of support. I only hope that I can repay the same kindness I received.
After the first few days, which did not feel like progress more like surviving, the real work began. I tried AA, did therapy, yoga (not a yoga person...), really anything that might help even if just for that day. Some things stuck, some did not, but at some point I realized it wasn’t about knowing “the right way”, just always trying to find it. Even just 1 inch better every day was a victory to be celebrated. Even failures a lesson learned (do proper training for a marathon, very important).
I don’t know when it happened, but at some point I turned the corner. Honestly, it may have taken 2 months, but it happened. One realization was that as much as I loved my wife and daughter, I had to address my problems for myself. Doing it “for them” was not enough. Even if they took me back, that was not the solution, just an outcome. I am not saying I didn’t desperately want my family back, but I accepted that was their decision, not mine. I had to control my world only.
Somehow, someway, we came back together. Our marriage has never been stronger and I probably owe my life to my wife. It was long road, many times painful, but worth every second.
I look back now 2 years later and there have been many ups and downs, but I have never been so grateful and happy. I know there are no guarantees and every day presents a new challenge, but I am filled with hope.
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read my story. I know many are at different points in their journey and just wanted to share my experience to date.
Anyhow, just over 2 years ago, I hit my version of rock bottom. I was on the verge of losing my wife and young daughter because up until that point I couldn’t come to grips with the depth of my problem with alcohol. I had fallen into a cycle that had become hopeless. I questioned how long I would live (40 at the time). I put myself and others in danger. I knew with absolute certainty that this cycle would end arrest, illness, death, or worse (hurting loved ones), yet I still could not stop.
There was always a rationalization why I could drink. They are all such ridiculous lies when I look back on them now. It could range from “It’s not as bad as (insert name)” to “Well, it’s already this bad, probably can’t turn back now”. Completely contradicting arguments that make no sense at all, but hey, at the time it felt like pure truth.
The day my wife threw me out of the house was the worst experience of my adult life. It also probably saved my life and makes me now realize how much love that really took. For the sake of time, I won’t go into all the gory details, but we had been through the cycle a few times and it hit the breaking point. It was the first time it really sunk in that my toes were over the ledge and one more step could cost me everything. That night was intensely horrible (physically and mentally), and I equally hate and cherish the memory.
I did not sleep for 1 second that night (maybe a few), but it caused me to take a true measure of where I was and how I had gotten to that spot. At some point I realized I was in the fight of my life and I had to prepare for battle. I needed a support system, so I turned to my family and friends, laid my soul bare, and immediately knew who truly cared about me. I had to move on from some old “friends” and even some family, in the end it really made me realize how blessed I have been.
It actually makes me tear up thinking of the support I received, sometimes from the most unexpected places. I know that I am in a lucky position to find that kind of support. I only hope that I can repay the same kindness I received.
After the first few days, which did not feel like progress more like surviving, the real work began. I tried AA, did therapy, yoga (not a yoga person...), really anything that might help even if just for that day. Some things stuck, some did not, but at some point I realized it wasn’t about knowing “the right way”, just always trying to find it. Even just 1 inch better every day was a victory to be celebrated. Even failures a lesson learned (do proper training for a marathon, very important).
I don’t know when it happened, but at some point I turned the corner. Honestly, it may have taken 2 months, but it happened. One realization was that as much as I loved my wife and daughter, I had to address my problems for myself. Doing it “for them” was not enough. Even if they took me back, that was not the solution, just an outcome. I am not saying I didn’t desperately want my family back, but I accepted that was their decision, not mine. I had to control my world only.
Somehow, someway, we came back together. Our marriage has never been stronger and I probably owe my life to my wife. It was long road, many times painful, but worth every second.
I look back now 2 years later and there have been many ups and downs, but I have never been so grateful and happy. I know there are no guarantees and every day presents a new challenge, but I am filled with hope.
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read my story. I know many are at different points in their journey and just wanted to share my experience to date.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Amazing post Osu2002. Posts like yours really help people like me in the early days of fighting this thing. I'm 7 months sober and I am still learning. It is so awesome of you to post and give everyone hope that a good road lays ahead.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 17
Thanks for reading and great job on 7 months!!
It really makes me happy to hear it helps in any way. I was honestly just reflecting after putting my daughter to bed and just felt like I needed to share my experience.
I do feel a bit ashamed if my story comes across as a “happy ending”, not my intent at all. I have no illusions that my recovery is any more/less fragile than anyone else.
It really makes me happy to hear it helps in any way. I was honestly just reflecting after putting my daughter to bed and just felt like I needed to share my experience.
I do feel a bit ashamed if my story comes across as a “happy ending”, not my intent at all. I have no illusions that my recovery is any more/less fragile than anyone else.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,781
Two years sober is great! 
Thank you for sharing your experience. That will be helpful to newcomers who may not think they can get sober because of all the obstacles in their path. You are proof that lives can change for the better when you get and stay sober. Thanks for your hopeful message. 
Thank you for sharing your experience. That will be helpful to newcomers who may not think they can get sober because of all the obstacles in their path. You are proof that lives can change for the better when you get and stay sober. Thanks for your hopeful message. 
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,944
Originally Posted by Osu2002 
After the first few days, which did not feel like progress more like surviving
I’m 18 months tomorrow. To throw this great life away by drinking again, no way.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 710
Originally Posted by Osu2002
After the first few days, which did not feel like progress more like surviving, the real work began. I tried AA, did therapy, yoga (not a yoga person...), really anything that might help even if just for that day. Some things stuck, some did not, but at some point I realized it wasn’t about knowing “the right way”, just always trying to find it. Even just 1 inch better every day was a victory to be celebrated. Even failures a lesson learned (do proper training for a marathon, very important).
.
The paragraph above resonates with me particularly. I tried everything for the first time in my life, 11+ months ago: the things I believed could work and those I would have not even considered before. And some things worked; others did not. Some worked for a while and then stopped working, etc.
It is so good you quit at 40 too. You are still super young and it is wonderful you have kept your family and you are present for them now.
Thanks again
Member
Join Date: Feb 2020
Location: Eastern US
Posts: 1,386
Agree with everyone else. That is what we have to look forward too. I am probably only a binge or 2 away from where you are with my wife and kid. I won't test that though. Congratulations on 2 years.
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