old questions from a newcomer
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: indiana
Posts: 25
old questions from a newcomer
I just found this board and it's a comfort to see people struggling and moving ahead with their lives in the midst of overwhelming challenge.
I've been married 22 yrs to a man who is an alcoholic. This reached crisis a couple years back and he sobered himself up, but gradually went back to drinking. That worked for a while but lately it's become obvious (to me, not him) that only complete sobriety will save us. I have an al-anon group but he's still closet drinking, in denial and refusing to get help.
Questions:
1. Will they turn him away from aa if he shows up saying "I'm here because my wife nagged me into it."? (partially true; I'm working on holding my tongue. I do think he sort of wants to check out meetings, and the "my wife" part is a face-saving thing.)
2. He's not going to like the spiritual aspect of this at all. I understand it's "HP as I understand Him". My A is a wonderful guy when sober, but generally skeptical and perhaps contemptuous of prayer and faith. He has a private, unique sort of spirituality which I hope will "kick in" but I can see him rolling his eyes at the hand holding and praying. Does this get addressed in meetings?
3. What text do they use at meetings? I have found the readings at al-anon to be very powerful and there are times (usually in the morning) when my A is willing to listen to something short and powerful like that. Recommendations?
I have lots of other questions and thoughts but don't want to clutter this board. Thanks.
M
I've been married 22 yrs to a man who is an alcoholic. This reached crisis a couple years back and he sobered himself up, but gradually went back to drinking. That worked for a while but lately it's become obvious (to me, not him) that only complete sobriety will save us. I have an al-anon group but he's still closet drinking, in denial and refusing to get help.
Questions:
1. Will they turn him away from aa if he shows up saying "I'm here because my wife nagged me into it."? (partially true; I'm working on holding my tongue. I do think he sort of wants to check out meetings, and the "my wife" part is a face-saving thing.)
2. He's not going to like the spiritual aspect of this at all. I understand it's "HP as I understand Him". My A is a wonderful guy when sober, but generally skeptical and perhaps contemptuous of prayer and faith. He has a private, unique sort of spirituality which I hope will "kick in" but I can see him rolling his eyes at the hand holding and praying. Does this get addressed in meetings?
3. What text do they use at meetings? I have found the readings at al-anon to be very powerful and there are times (usually in the morning) when my A is willing to listen to something short and powerful like that. Recommendations?
I have lots of other questions and thoughts but don't want to clutter this board. Thanks.
M
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
Welcome!!
Oh please do not mention cluttering the board with your posts, trust me we all care and want to hear what you have to say. That is how we all learn.
I am separated from my A. He never sought help at all. Is very much in denial.
I couldn't be that much help on the AA issues you were asking about , I know others here can offer insight though.
Your not alone, you have no reason to feel guilty at all. Do not subject yourself to the scenerio that he is saying "the wife" is making me be here....you know you can't change him at all, nor can you make him get help.
Welcome here...post as much as you like!!!!
Keep coming back...
Oh please do not mention cluttering the board with your posts, trust me we all care and want to hear what you have to say. That is how we all learn.
I am separated from my A. He never sought help at all. Is very much in denial.
I couldn't be that much help on the AA issues you were asking about , I know others here can offer insight though.
Your not alone, you have no reason to feel guilty at all. Do not subject yourself to the scenerio that he is saying "the wife" is making me be here....you know you can't change him at all, nor can you make him get help.
Welcome here...post as much as you like!!!!
Keep coming back...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello Marie,
Welcome to the recovery forum!
No, they won't turn him away. They don't turn people away who are mandated by the legal system, they certainly won't turn someone away who came of his own free will, even if it was only to end the nagging.
Stop worrying about what he's going to encounter in meetings (if he goes). AA is not the answer for everybody. As Abraham Lincoln said "For people who like that sort of thing, it is the sort of thing they like." AA works when people identify themselves as lacking in the principles it teaches, and embrace the structure as a means of change. Just because you see it doesn't mean he will. Suggest it by all means. If he's ready to change, it's an excellent environment and system for doing so. If he's not ready, you could handcuff him to the folding chair and make him sit through 90 meetings in 90 days and it won't make a damn bit of difference.
You cannot monitor or mandate his recovery. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. If you're dying of curiosity, go to an open AA meeting. However, it won't help HIM for YOU to know what it's all about. Like it or not, it's his addiction and he is in the driver's seat.
Keep going to those alanon meetings. And keep posting. Let us know about YOU!
Hugs,
Smoke
Welcome to the recovery forum!
No, they won't turn him away. They don't turn people away who are mandated by the legal system, they certainly won't turn someone away who came of his own free will, even if it was only to end the nagging.
Stop worrying about what he's going to encounter in meetings (if he goes). AA is not the answer for everybody. As Abraham Lincoln said "For people who like that sort of thing, it is the sort of thing they like." AA works when people identify themselves as lacking in the principles it teaches, and embrace the structure as a means of change. Just because you see it doesn't mean he will. Suggest it by all means. If he's ready to change, it's an excellent environment and system for doing so. If he's not ready, you could handcuff him to the folding chair and make him sit through 90 meetings in 90 days and it won't make a damn bit of difference.
You cannot monitor or mandate his recovery. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. If you're dying of curiosity, go to an open AA meeting. However, it won't help HIM for YOU to know what it's all about. Like it or not, it's his addiction and he is in the driver's seat.
Keep going to those alanon meetings. And keep posting. Let us know about YOU!
Hugs,
Smoke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: indiana
Posts: 25
old questions from a newcomer
Thank you for a prompt and compassionate welcome. And for asking about me! I'm boring but have a career I love, sweet daughter heading off to college in the fall. My husband adores me so that's a fairly strong motivation -- until lately. He still adores me but now the need to drink (beer, mainly; wine when he can get away with it) has overpowered that, which tells me this is a new level of the disease. (I've read the "To Wives" in the AA book and could relate to so much there).
So here's another question. How do you "let go" when you know the consequences will be disastrous? For example, I know I'm not supposed to "monitor" him but he's more likely to stay sober when I do. Yep, I'm letting his drinking manipulate me and my schedule. However, if I go about my business and let the drinking happen, it often turns out much worse. The most vulnerable person in the equation is my daughter. She always feels so awful when she gets home and finds he's been drinking. And he's a great dad when sober, but when drinking, he's pretty awful. This is just one example. I'm just having trouble with the concept of letting go and letting the disaster happen. Hanging around being the "monitor" is no solution, it's a temporary bandaid, but sometimes that's preferable.
Comments welcome!
Thanks
marie
So here's another question. How do you "let go" when you know the consequences will be disastrous? For example, I know I'm not supposed to "monitor" him but he's more likely to stay sober when I do. Yep, I'm letting his drinking manipulate me and my schedule. However, if I go about my business and let the drinking happen, it often turns out much worse. The most vulnerable person in the equation is my daughter. She always feels so awful when she gets home and finds he's been drinking. And he's a great dad when sober, but when drinking, he's pretty awful. This is just one example. I'm just having trouble with the concept of letting go and letting the disaster happen. Hanging around being the "monitor" is no solution, it's a temporary bandaid, but sometimes that's preferable.
Comments welcome!
Thanks
marie
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
First welcome Marie!
By monitoring him you are preventing him from experiencing the consequences of his own actions. That is called enabling...you are prolonging his ability to drink.
Every human on this earth has the right to make his or her own choices and should be allowed the dignity to make them. But they also have to take responsiblity for their own actions. He is responsible for his own sobriety or lack thereof. You are responsible for your own recovery. That is why KEEP IT SIMPLE is a slogan...because it is.
Letting go is hands off the alcoholic in every way, shape and form. You are anticipating his next move and that is not healthy for you.
I am glad to hear that you are going to meetings. Part of the miracle is as you get healthy often those around you get healthy as well...notice I said often, not always. But nothing changes if nothing changes.
Take your focus off of him and put it on you where it belongs, work your program to the best of your ability and keep coming back. We are a sometimes wacky bunch but we take our collective recovery AND YOURS very seriously.
(((((HUGS)))))
By monitoring him you are preventing him from experiencing the consequences of his own actions. That is called enabling...you are prolonging his ability to drink.
Every human on this earth has the right to make his or her own choices and should be allowed the dignity to make them. But they also have to take responsiblity for their own actions. He is responsible for his own sobriety or lack thereof. You are responsible for your own recovery. That is why KEEP IT SIMPLE is a slogan...because it is.
Letting go is hands off the alcoholic in every way, shape and form. You are anticipating his next move and that is not healthy for you.
I am glad to hear that you are going to meetings. Part of the miracle is as you get healthy often those around you get healthy as well...notice I said often, not always. But nothing changes if nothing changes.
Take your focus off of him and put it on you where it belongs, work your program to the best of your ability and keep coming back. We are a sometimes wacky bunch but we take our collective recovery AND YOURS very seriously.
(((((HUGS)))))
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Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Peoria, IL USA
Posts: 105
Marie-
As far as your daughter and her feelings go, I can tell you, you need to keep the lines of communication between the two of you open. I found out that my kids respected me more when I took action. We talk all the time about their feelings and mine on the subject of their Dad's drinking. They know I do not hate their father, but rather am disappointed in the way he chooses to live his life. When they were smaller I had them in counselling and still offer to take them to Alateen. They sort of have their own group at school though as many kids have to deal with this problem with a parent. Keep coming back. And don't ever feel you are cluttering the site.
As far as your daughter and her feelings go, I can tell you, you need to keep the lines of communication between the two of you open. I found out that my kids respected me more when I took action. We talk all the time about their feelings and mine on the subject of their Dad's drinking. They know I do not hate their father, but rather am disappointed in the way he chooses to live his life. When they were smaller I had them in counselling and still offer to take them to Alateen. They sort of have their own group at school though as many kids have to deal with this problem with a parent. Keep coming back. And don't ever feel you are cluttering the site.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hi Marie,
Welcome to the recovery forum. I usually post the link below to those who are new. It is a wonderful post by one of our moderators, Pernell. It really helped me a lot.
Hugs,
MG
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ve+personality
Welcome to the recovery forum. I usually post the link below to those who are new. It is a wonderful post by one of our moderators, Pernell. It really helped me a lot.
Hugs,
MG
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ve+personality
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Marie - and a belated "welcome". Sorry to be late with that but I was busy having a little crisis last night, but am back in the real world today.
I can't add much to the above posts, except to add my encouragement to you to work your own program and let him find his own way. I know, from experience, that is hard to do, but believe me, honey, you just can't make him do it.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. And please keep coming back here as often as you like. These people are the best friends anyone could ever have. I know that from experience too.
I can't add much to the above posts, except to add my encouragement to you to work your own program and let him find his own way. I know, from experience, that is hard to do, but believe me, honey, you just can't make him do it.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. And please keep coming back here as often as you like. These people are the best friends anyone could ever have. I know that from experience too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: indiana
Posts: 25
I really appreciate all the welcomes and wise words. The lengthy article by Pernell is excellent! I can definitely see myself in much of that. I play all 3 roles--enabler, victim, provocatrix--because we've been married so long and are in business together.
My struggle is with letting the logical consequences of the drinking happen. To be honest, there simply is no big hairy looming crisis. He doesn't drive drunk. Nothing really happens except that pervasive malaise, and I fear that's not enough to bring him to the realization that he needs to get into recovery. I'm hoping maybe it will be enough for him to see that my daughter and I are working on our own program.
I'm off to an al-anon mtg tonight, and interestingly, he got my car out of the garage for me. So on some level, he seems to like the idea of me going. Yet on another level, I'm afraid he thinks the problem is with me!
Thanks for listening.
marie
My struggle is with letting the logical consequences of the drinking happen. To be honest, there simply is no big hairy looming crisis. He doesn't drive drunk. Nothing really happens except that pervasive malaise, and I fear that's not enough to bring him to the realization that he needs to get into recovery. I'm hoping maybe it will be enough for him to see that my daughter and I are working on our own program.
I'm off to an al-anon mtg tonight, and interestingly, he got my car out of the garage for me. So on some level, he seems to like the idea of me going. Yet on another level, I'm afraid he thinks the problem is with me!
Thanks for listening.
marie
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