acshore

I began dating a guy briefly who had substance relapse with alcohol, only to he end up wanting to remain friends, then started with gas-lighting as suggesting and encouraging me to study in his area of work, then blame me for wanting to pursue my endeavors we had in common. What happened in end? He was buying a home which he had no business doing - although it was better than moving back with his narcissistic adoptive mother - and refused to go to treatment twice when I tried to help him detox at home enough to get into treatment. The catalyst? After an attempted suicide attempt of texting his co-worker a picture of pills and asking her to remember "my love", talked his way out of being committed, then three weeks later is drunk and confessing another suicide attempt supposedly over a labor day weekend, and that he is going to do so again. He had threatened if I ever called the police, he would never speak to me again, just wanted me to stay with him and could not afford his home without me and that even though we were "just friends" it was going to be "our place". Concerned he would attempt suicide again and scared to call the police, I took his bank cards for the night so he would not be able to possibly consume more alcohol and suicide. He woke up, laid into me and threatened to call the police. I walked back to his place and after him demeaning me on the phone, told him he could have his keys back and that I would be there for his life but no longer contribute to his death. Ever been so scared and your mind twisted by an active alcoholic you find yourself in a codependent position? I have spent the last six months reliving the trauma and recently started to come out of it, feeling ashamed of myself as, although I grew up in alcoholism, I was never passive, but more assertive and vocal. Perhaps too much! I strangely do not harbor any ill will towards this man. Why? Because one should be angry at the disease taking hold of us both. It controlling him, feeding off me, and I trying to regain the control I feel I've lost over myself and aid he all in one. Any thoughts on this?

Wombaticus

Acshore, it sounds like you have a very good view of what is happening here with this person.
I think many people on this forum have been in a codependent relationship. Have you read Codependent no more by Melody Beattie? Do yourself a favour and read it. I didn't consider myself super-codependent but I can now see how my need to help people can be a problem.
Can you take time away from this person? That could help you see things more clearly.
Hang in there.

Seren

It's often true that active alcoholics and addicts are masters a manipulating others so that those around them will: provide their needs, not bother them about their drinking/drug use. Also, in my opinion, they put others down to feel better about themsevles.

My stepson would talk suicide sometimes, and for him it was a manipulation tactic. What I learned was that calling an ambulance is never a bad idea when someone talks about hurting themselves. If they really are in trouble, they will be in the hands of people who can truly help. If they are being manipulative, they will learn to not use that particular tactic since the authorities will arrive every time they try.

I hope you can allow yourself to step back from what sounds like a toxic situation for you. I hope time and distance will bring you clarity about what will be best for you in the long run.

Welcome to SR!

SmallButMighty

Acshore, You seem to have a good understanding of what's going on regarding the manipulation. That's really good! I know it does not feel good to be manipulated, or even have people TRY to manipulate you, but knowing that's what it is, is so very important.

My alcoholic ex husband used to use the suicide threat with me. He didn't do it often, he didn't have to. He knew it was never far from my mind. Whether he set things up that way intentionally or subconsciously doesn't even matter, he did it. I lived under that cloud for years. It was a dark and scary place to be. Eventually I did realize it was him manipulating me and that he could only do that if I let him. When I stopped letting him push my buttons, he switched tactics and tried to push different ones. The good thing was, by then I had learned enough not to allow his attempts to manipulate me push me in directions I didn't want to go. Of course that was very frustrating for him, but his frustrations were his problem not mine. It's very liberating when you realize you are not responsible for other peoples feelings or behaviors.

I hope you know he can't actually manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do. Since you can see what he is doing, you can choose not to engage in it. I know it isn't always easy to just avoid the trap, but it can be done, just takes a little practice.

My brother and eldest stepson (an adult) have both played the suicide cards as well. Both have mental health and addiction issues. They are also both very much alive. Unfortunately it is a common tactic used by addicts to control their enablers. I agree with what Seren said about calling the authorities, it either helps them if the need is real, or teaches them to stop using that particular manipulation. Either way, it takes the feeling of responsibility away from you, where it never should have been in the first place.


ETA... He threatened to commit suicide, but also threatened that if you called the police he would never talk to you again? .... Do you see what's wrong with that "logic"... if he was dead he wasn't going to be talking to anybody, ever again... so he had zero intention of ending his life...

acshore

Thank you all for comments. You know after I called the DCR on him he blocked me from social media, etc and threatened me with a restraining order. My Mother, who is in 7 years of recovery said it is called deflecting; he is trying to intimidate me because he is petrified. It was funny, even though we were "just friends", he sure didn't treat me like it. My therapist said he was denying his feelings. His addiction was taking precedence, and although I was ALWAYS vocal as a child about goings-on, I was not in this situation. One thing I did do when I last heard from him, while recovering from surgery during Christmas was to tell him when he had called drinking, that I loved and cared for him very much, but that I could no longer be responsible for his life and that I understood that deep down what a beautiful person he was and that I believed in him; had we known each other as children, I told him I would have figured a way to get him out of that horrible situation. I ended up writing him an 8-page letter detailing things he had said to me when drunk, that I recognized his disease and that I knew beneath it was not the person I knew he was or wanted to be but that I did not deserve his manipulation. I even confessed to him his twists and turns had affected me mentally where I had to check myself into a behavioral unit because I was feeling suicidal. I let him know that he had to decide what kind of a person he wanted to become and to think of me if he needed strength. I learned he had been admitted to rehab and though I have had no contact directly with him did a rather unorthodox thing: I sent him a birthday card letting him know that I was okay, that I wanted him to know I forgave him so he could forgive himself and let go of the shame, guilt and allow himself to heal emotionally. I told him I acted out of fear because I was scared and tried to take control because of such and the situation but that he was not forgotten and still loved. The ball is in his court. I do not believe we should wait for a person trying to repair their lives to have to ask for forgiveness. We must find it within ourselves to forgive them for not being in their right mind. I've been told this is an extension of my codependency, yet I do not. I was bullied a lot for having a disability growing up. My disability is much like that of an alcoholic: we are constrained and trapped within ourselves and often frustrated because we cannot do or work our way out. It is a daily struggle to accept what you have and cannot change, only manage. I also had a loving mother who was consumed by alcohol for years and I was so angry but now I know better. We need to learn a disease should not define the soul of someone and though not to excuse their behavior or actions, to forgive them when they least expect it. How can we expect humanity to change if we do not offer the opportunity for those to do so?