Dangerous Anniversaries
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Dangerous Anniversaries
from choosehelp,com by jim lapierre
recovery is filled with perilous moments. Most who travel the path find that there are benchmark stages when you need to be especially careful and well-supported. The most common of these are: Thirty days, three months, six months, nine months, one year and annually.
there’s an adage in aa, “think, think, think…drink, drink, drink.”
learning to trust
opening up and sharing our true selves is the hardest thing to do. People with substance use disorders often have difficulty trusting others. We fear being vulnerable. The underlying and greater difficulty is that we do not trust ourselves.
six months is a very common relapse time and trigger. It’s about as long as a person can work a program alone and white knuckle their fears. Folks who refer to themselves as “chronic relapsers” most often hit the wall at six months.
moving past early recovery
a lot of us know how to do early recovery very well. We are simply afraid to grow beyond it and we live with irrational fears of what we might become.
We have every right to build confidence but it must be tempered by humility. We have certainly reached a point in which we have a lot to offer those new to recovery. Being of service to others keeps us humble. We start to understand what people mean when they say that the only way to keep it is to give it away.
dealing with expectations
at nine months you may struggle with other's expectations. You may discover that you have subconsciously sought to keep expectations low due to fear of failure.
recovery is filled with perilous moments. Most who travel the path find that there are benchmark stages when you need to be especially careful and well-supported. The most common of these are: Thirty days, three months, six months, nine months, one year and annually.
surviving dangerous anniversaries
as the literature of aa states, the disease of addiction is “cunning, baffling, and powerful.”- the disease may encourage us to believe that we are one of the “unfortunates” who cannot grasp the program and thus should give up and return to using.
- alternatively, it encourages us to be overly confident, arguing that if we can achieve a significant period of sobriety then we ought to be able to return and manage using/drinking.
30 days
we’ve weathered the worst of the initial storm. We feel better physically and while we’re still likely to be terrified, things in the world around us are starting to make sense. We have fleeting moments in which we glimpse the wreckage of our past and are relieved to find that loved ones and folks in aa and na discourage us from focusing upon it. Instead, they encourage us to focus on the here and now and connect to others in recovery.there’s an adage in aa, “think, think, think…drink, drink, drink.”
- don't go it alone - self reliance and depending upon your perception and thinking is dangerous.
- so let others guide you - you need folks who are willing to be sounding boards and offer reality checks. If you are willing to be candid and share your ideas, fears, and plans with those further along in recovery, you can receive assurances that you are moving in the right direction – neither complacent nor regressing.
three months
this is a huge benchmark. Hopefully you've been gathering support along the way and have at least one person (ideally a sponsor or other respected person who is capable of seeing you objectively) holding you accountable for what you say you'll do. Ideally, you also have peers, friends and other supports that you maintain connection and contact with.learning to trust
opening up and sharing our true selves is the hardest thing to do. People with substance use disorders often have difficulty trusting others. We fear being vulnerable. The underlying and greater difficulty is that we do not trust ourselves.
- however, every addict and alcoholic has extensive experience with self deception and self destruction.
- so choosing to trust then is a matter of weighing which is more frightening: Opening up to others or relying on ourselves.
six months
we begin move further from of our comfort zones. We find it difficult not to complicate things but realize that honesty and simplicity lead to clarity. We start living life on life’s terms and this allows for change and acceptance.six months is a very common relapse time and trigger. It’s about as long as a person can work a program alone and white knuckle their fears. Folks who refer to themselves as “chronic relapsers” most often hit the wall at six months.
moving past early recovery
a lot of us know how to do early recovery very well. We are simply afraid to grow beyond it and we live with irrational fears of what we might become.
- even though it's difficult to share irrational fears (you may feel embarrassment and shame) you need to address your fears of the unknown.
- get past being “terminally unique” by realizing everyone else has/had similar fears.
nine months
our new lives have officially extended to the amount of time it takes to make a baby!We have every right to build confidence but it must be tempered by humility. We have certainly reached a point in which we have a lot to offer those new to recovery. Being of service to others keeps us humble. We start to understand what people mean when they say that the only way to keep it is to give it away.
dealing with expectations
at nine months you may struggle with other's expectations. You may discover that you have subconsciously sought to keep expectations low due to fear of failure.
- you need to get honest and real and talk openly about expectations with anyone you feel has authority in your life.
one year
many “old timers” (people with long term recovery) have shared with me that regardless of the years they accumulate, that they still get “squirrelly” roughly two weeks before and after their anniversary dates. This is natural. We anticipate the milestone and naturally take stock of how far we’ve come. We consider where we’re going and what the quality of our recovery is. Fortifying our support system allows us to further invest in ourselves and others.
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I've actually not experienced this myself, so I wanted to add it's not an inevitable thing everyone will struggle at these times... but enough people refer to the phenomenon for it to make sense to have a thread about it 
D
D
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I struggled at a couple weeks before my six months but I haven't really had a problem since. Of course I've posted on this site nearly every day of the last six plus years - so there's that...I forget who I am at my peril.
Just for the record, lots of us are also doing long-term sobriety without AA or any other in-person meetings - and AA is the source of that post. I'm not saying one way is better than another but some people are not, "meetings makers."
Thanks Dee.
Just for the record, lots of us are also doing long-term sobriety without AA or any other in-person meetings - and AA is the source of that post. I'm not saying one way is better than another but some people are not, "meetings makers."
Thanks Dee.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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I've experienced the milestone temptations in the past, but not this time. My thinking has changed. Once had 5 years and went back out thinking enough time had passed to give it another shot. Wrong. Took me a long time to get back up again.
Seems my desire to be abstinent is cemented firmly now. Not complacent though.
I thought it was a good post Dee. And I don't attend aa meetings. Every method has it's good points. Took me a while to learn that too.
Seems my desire to be abstinent is cemented firmly now. Not complacent though.
I thought it was a good post Dee. And I don't attend aa meetings. Every method has it's good points. Took me a while to learn that too.
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Originally Posted by Steely 
Once had 5 years and went back out thinking enough time had passed to give it another shot.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
Just for the record, lots of us are also doing long-term sobriety without AA or any other in-person meetings - and AA is the source of that post. I'm not saying one way is better than another but some people are not, "meetings makers."
Thanks Dee.
Thanks Dee.
I'm always pretty careful to post things that I think have resonance for everyone.
I think this is one of those things - even those it was written by 'an AAer' I found it entirely relevant to me and my experience and I didn't find anything in it I object to as a non AAer...and I hope others will feel the same.
D
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Probably better not to count days and just live one day at a time. Once you reach one of these milestones, it is probably easy to have a letdown. I’m just happy that I am sober today because tomorrow isn’t promised.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
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I suppose you could look at recovery from alcoholism as a sort of linear event with certain predictable milestones and rough patches due to the changes in bodily chemistry and other physiological factors as progress is made. The author describes something like that along with the idea that regular attendance at meetings, getting support and having others around to hold one "accountable" will eventually lead to something like stable recovery in the future. Only in the last few sentences do we get a glimpse of what is really involved in long term sobriety the idea of giving it away in order to keep it or, you might say, contributing to life rather than taking from it.
Those of us who experienced the miracle of recovery also known as the spiritual experience upon which the entire program of AA is based, would probably say there is nothing linear about it. Nobody knows when the miracle will happen. Sometimes the drink problem is removed with amazing speed, sometimes it takes longer. To a large degree it seems to depend on the persons willingness to adopt the AA way of life through the steps, more so than any time factor. In my own case it was removed shortly after I got serious about finding the God of my understanding, just a few weeks after my last drink. I didn't even realize it had happened until my sponsor told me I had been sober for three months, something I had thought was totally impossible for me. At that point I was working step 9, not "dwelling on the wreckage of the past" but cleaning it up.
I have seem so many people try to get sober just on the meetings and stay stuck, maybe getting considerable periods of sobriety, but always relapsing, until one day they get serious about God and the steps, and they change right in front of my eyes. It is the most amazing thing to see. Once the miracle has happened, we find we can handle anything that life throws our way without the need to take a drink. There are always rough patches in life, and they are quite unpredictable.
As a parallel to the author's views, my experience is that there are certain risky spots and milestones with the AA program. Probably the most common is the AA 3 step, which goes 1,2,3 -1,2,3 - 1,2,3 drink. An awful lot of people fall at step four, possibly because so many have been misled into believing the step four is incredibly difficult, when in fact it is like the rest of the program very simple, though not easy. Step 5 is another major transition moment if taken in full, but if secrets are kept, pressures starts to build. Same with step nine, Dr Bob himself tried to avoid this one and got drunk as the result. Step 10 is the first part of the twenty four hour program of AA, so the chances of permanent recovery get a lot better when this step becomes part of the daily routine, as is the case with step 11. And step 12 ties it all together with the key to keeping the Power connected.
When I first saw the program, I saw many of the steps as insurmountable objects. I didn't think they were doable, didn't see the need, and did not understand the purpose. The first dangerous milestone I could have come to would have been belligerent denial. But some how I got past that and made my beginning at step one, which led straight on to the next step and so on. From that beginning, the dangerous spots and the white knuckling were eliminated. Of course there are always those that say 'yes but, you don't understand, my case is different".
Those of us who experienced the miracle of recovery also known as the spiritual experience upon which the entire program of AA is based, would probably say there is nothing linear about it. Nobody knows when the miracle will happen. Sometimes the drink problem is removed with amazing speed, sometimes it takes longer. To a large degree it seems to depend on the persons willingness to adopt the AA way of life through the steps, more so than any time factor. In my own case it was removed shortly after I got serious about finding the God of my understanding, just a few weeks after my last drink. I didn't even realize it had happened until my sponsor told me I had been sober for three months, something I had thought was totally impossible for me. At that point I was working step 9, not "dwelling on the wreckage of the past" but cleaning it up.
I have seem so many people try to get sober just on the meetings and stay stuck, maybe getting considerable periods of sobriety, but always relapsing, until one day they get serious about God and the steps, and they change right in front of my eyes. It is the most amazing thing to see. Once the miracle has happened, we find we can handle anything that life throws our way without the need to take a drink. There are always rough patches in life, and they are quite unpredictable.
As a parallel to the author's views, my experience is that there are certain risky spots and milestones with the AA program. Probably the most common is the AA 3 step, which goes 1,2,3 -1,2,3 - 1,2,3 drink. An awful lot of people fall at step four, possibly because so many have been misled into believing the step four is incredibly difficult, when in fact it is like the rest of the program very simple, though not easy. Step 5 is another major transition moment if taken in full, but if secrets are kept, pressures starts to build. Same with step nine, Dr Bob himself tried to avoid this one and got drunk as the result. Step 10 is the first part of the twenty four hour program of AA, so the chances of permanent recovery get a lot better when this step becomes part of the daily routine, as is the case with step 11. And step 12 ties it all together with the key to keeping the Power connected.
When I first saw the program, I saw many of the steps as insurmountable objects. I didn't think they were doable, didn't see the need, and did not understand the purpose. The first dangerous milestone I could have come to would have been belligerent denial. But some how I got past that and made my beginning at step one, which led straight on to the next step and so on. From that beginning, the dangerous spots and the white knuckling were eliminated. Of course there are always those that say 'yes but, you don't understand, my case is different".
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Originally Posted by Bilr44
Probably better not to count days and just live one day at a time. Once you reach one of these milestones, it is probably easy to have a letdown. I’m just happy that I am sober today because tomorrow isn’t promised.
Whether or not to count days. It's obviously a personal decision. I never counted days when I quit smoking. I was just done. Yet, I do know when I quit, but honestly I don't even think about it so I don't care too much.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
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I really struggled after my one year anniversary. It had been a fight of my life and I was so relieved, proud and excited to get there. Then it felt like a huge anticlimax and nothingness. Not sure what I was expecting but the following weeks were particularly difficult.
Thanks Dee.
Thanks Dee.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I'll agree that in most ways it keeps getting easier as time goes by but little things always come up. As Steely points out there can be a point- for him five years but it can be more or less- where it's tempting to think after so many years sober you must be 'cured'. At that point why not try to drink a little? I've never succumbed to that but the most challenging point to me was a combination of hitting my 51st birthday and being over seven years sober in the middle of a COVID lockdown. Early on just not being dead is a plus, and in early sobriety you can feel so good that a certainty sets in that booze was the only thing holding you back. So it was discouraging for me to be working from home with virtually no human contact, all of my family being a thousand miles away in another state, no progress towards any life goals and no meaningful interactions with people or work. I never came close to drinking but the Beast's voice got louder.
There's a saying that everything is poison, it's just the dose. Well, for me the Dose with alcohol is any. Any drinking will kill me. That has been my North Star. Every goal I have in life is predicated on being alive and sober. I have goals I will probably never reach but I can at least make progress while I'm sober. It's the journey more than the destination.
There's a saying that everything is poison, it's just the dose. Well, for me the Dose with alcohol is any. Any drinking will kill me. That has been my North Star. Every goal I have in life is predicated on being alive and sober. I have goals I will probably never reach but I can at least make progress while I'm sober. It's the journey more than the destination.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Posts: 6,069
The anniversaries aren't dangerous - I am. Not to say I haven't picked up again and later pointed to the significant milestone as a contributing factor - I have.
Armed with the certainty that I will always experience triggers and that many of those instances will be completely hidden from my own view, milestones are no more threatening than any other time.
I've come to understand two things:
1. If milestones or dates hold any relationship to drinking (which a sober date does without question), one should certainly be on high alert. But in addition, I currently have to be on high alert at all times. If I'm feeling uncomfortable, emotionally or physically, something is happening within me that needs attention. Rational Recovery says that any thought that suggests future drinking is the Addictive Voice and is best acknowledged then dismissed. In my world, that's too late. Any uncomfortable feeling must be identified and explored.
So certainly, know that anniversaries are likely to bring up uncomfortable feelings. But in my opinion and experience, an even better strategy is to treat every day like a milestone because it is.
O
Armed with the certainty that I will always experience triggers and that many of those instances will be completely hidden from my own view, milestones are no more threatening than any other time.
I've come to understand two things:
1. If milestones or dates hold any relationship to drinking (which a sober date does without question), one should certainly be on high alert. But in addition, I currently have to be on high alert at all times. If I'm feeling uncomfortable, emotionally or physically, something is happening within me that needs attention. Rational Recovery says that any thought that suggests future drinking is the Addictive Voice and is best acknowledged then dismissed. In my world, that's too late. Any uncomfortable feeling must be identified and explored.
So certainly, know that anniversaries are likely to bring up uncomfortable feelings. But in my opinion and experience, an even better strategy is to treat every day like a milestone because it is.
O
this definitely taps into my fear for the future, so the discussion around this is really helpful for me.
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
6 months was celebratory for me but for a week before and after, my AV was definitely chirping at me more than is typical. I'm grateful that I have a great support group that gets together several times per week. There are 3 people in my group with 30+ years of sobriety. Since day one they have warned me about the dynamic of anniversaries. It has been an issue for all of them.
Thanks for this useful post Dee.
Thanks for this useful post Dee.
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