I messed up?!?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
I messed up?!?
Well I’ve completely bombed. After months of not being home I gave in and went and had supper with him a couple of times. Oh my gosh. It felt so nice. I’m not gonna lie. It felt like home. I have missed it so bad. He was so nice. The kids were there and I just felt whole again. I let my guard down. And of course boom! He blows up on me. And now I’m the worthless piece of crap again. I am so stupid for going there. I know this. But I want so bad for things to be different. And they aren’t and will never be. Things were going good and we were getting along so well. And he got something in his head and I’m scum again. Then he text me last night and blamed me for ruining our marriage. It’s all my fault. I’ve ruined a perfect family. Now here I am feeling depressed and down again. And so dumb for ever thinking anything would be different.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 51
((((hugs)))) you are not stupid, you are human - be gentle and kind with yourself. And you've received the gift of confirmation of why you left.
Your unpleasant emotions will pass and you'll get more joy from the wonderful life you are creating for yourself! You got this!
Your unpleasant emotions will pass and you'll get more joy from the wonderful life you are creating for yourself! You got this!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I think most, if not all of us here, had to touch the stove a few times thinking maybe, just maybe, this time it wont burn me... but it did. Every. Damn.Time. Personally, I had blisters on my blisters. It took me a long time to realize that he'd shown me over and over just exactly who he was and how he was going to behave. Why I ever thought he'd change those ways, I don't know. I guess I was naive and believed Love would be enough. Love was not enough, not in my situation.
I'm sorry you are grieving again kc. I know how much it hurts. Try to not to beat yourself up over this. Something is broken in him that he would treat you so shamefully. What he said is cruel and vicious. But his words aren't really about you, they are deflections, he feels that way about himself. He's lashing out at you because he doesn't know how to deal with his feelings, which is what leads to addiction in the first place. It's a horrible cyclical disease.
There is no such thing as the "perfect family", but in a healthy family dynamic, people would never speak to each other the way he did to you. If your life had been perfect you would not have left in the first place. Don't let his manipulative words crush you when you know they aren't true.
I used to feel like my AXH completed me. Like we we were two halves of a whole. Like I couldn't live or be happy without him, because he was my soulmate. That wasn't a healthy way for me to view my relationship with him. I got much healthier and happier when I realized I had to feel whole as in individual, separate from him (and my kids and parents too) I had to be me first.. not his wife, or their mother, or their daughter... *I* had gotten lost somewhere along the line being all wrapped up in those other titles. I let those relationships define me, so when my marriage was falling apart... and my teenagers were being rebellious... and I was recognizing my own aging parent's dysfunction (all at the same time) I felt like the biggest failure ever. It took me a long time to realize I didn't fail at being a wife, I didn't fail at being a mom,and I didn't fail at being a daughter... I failed at taking care of myself, as an individual separate from all of them.
kc, be gentle with yourself. Take care of you. You can not fix what is broken in him. You can work on making yourself feel whole independently of others. I hope you do something kind for yourself today that will lift your spirits.
I'm sorry you are grieving again kc. I know how much it hurts. Try to not to beat yourself up over this. Something is broken in him that he would treat you so shamefully. What he said is cruel and vicious. But his words aren't really about you, they are deflections, he feels that way about himself. He's lashing out at you because he doesn't know how to deal with his feelings, which is what leads to addiction in the first place. It's a horrible cyclical disease.
There is no such thing as the "perfect family", but in a healthy family dynamic, people would never speak to each other the way he did to you. If your life had been perfect you would not have left in the first place. Don't let his manipulative words crush you when you know they aren't true.
I used to feel like my AXH completed me. Like we we were two halves of a whole. Like I couldn't live or be happy without him, because he was my soulmate. That wasn't a healthy way for me to view my relationship with him. I got much healthier and happier when I realized I had to feel whole as in individual, separate from him (and my kids and parents too) I had to be me first.. not his wife, or their mother, or their daughter... *I* had gotten lost somewhere along the line being all wrapped up in those other titles. I let those relationships define me, so when my marriage was falling apart... and my teenagers were being rebellious... and I was recognizing my own aging parent's dysfunction (all at the same time) I felt like the biggest failure ever. It took me a long time to realize I didn't fail at being a wife, I didn't fail at being a mom,and I didn't fail at being a daughter... I failed at taking care of myself, as an individual separate from all of them.
kc, be gentle with yourself. Take care of you. You can not fix what is broken in him. You can work on making yourself feel whole independently of others. I hope you do something kind for yourself today that will lift your spirits.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
kc-------many people go back, time and time and time again, before they can finally accept that the relationship is not workable. There is a difference between just "knowing" it and finally accepting the reality of it. The pull back to your comfort zone can be very powerful, especially when you are feeling vulnerable. Even with the bad stuff in your marriage, it was going on for so long that it became your "normal". Even if it was bad----it is said that people "prefer the devil that they know"---as opposed to the unknown.
kc---in your previous threads, you have often said that you wish that he would get help and change. Maybe, now is time to turn your attention to getting all of the support that you, also, need in order to navigate this difficult journey in your life. One thing that I know for sure, is, that, the more human support you have, the better it will go. I know that you have read some alanon materials----but, I think that face to face would help you even more. Also, having a regular counselor to support and guide you, would be another source of support (in addition to alanon).
In addition-----continue to read and study everything that you can get your hands on. Surely, you have read "Co-dependent No More" Yes? If not, it is the most recommended book on this forum. It is an easy read.
Have you read the articles in our "library" ? There are more than 100 of them---all written by those who have walked in your same shoes. They are contained within the "stickies" just above the threads, on the main thread page. I am going to give you a link directly to them, for your convenience. It would be good for you to read and digest one of them every single day---
Knowledge is power.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
kc---in your previous threads, you have often said that you wish that he would get help and change. Maybe, now is time to turn your attention to getting all of the support that you, also, need in order to navigate this difficult journey in your life. One thing that I know for sure, is, that, the more human support you have, the better it will go. I know that you have read some alanon materials----but, I think that face to face would help you even more. Also, having a regular counselor to support and guide you, would be another source of support (in addition to alanon).
In addition-----continue to read and study everything that you can get your hands on. Surely, you have read "Co-dependent No More" Yes? If not, it is the most recommended book on this forum. It is an easy read.
Have you read the articles in our "library" ? There are more than 100 of them---all written by those who have walked in your same shoes. They are contained within the "stickies" just above the threads, on the main thread page. I am going to give you a link directly to them, for your convenience. It would be good for you to read and digest one of them every single day---
Knowledge is power.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
You're not dumb for thinking things would be different. Everyone wants that. It's only human. No one wants to see their family fall apart, and we usually hope and pray for a miracle. But they usually don't happen. When my wife divorced me five years ago I thought my life was over. I lost my wife, the ability to live with my kids, my home. I was utterly crushed. But I got sober and stayed sober, and now five years beyond, I'm still single, and TBH, I wouldn't go back to my ex now if my life depended on it. Time will bring you to a place where it's ok so say that you did the best you could, but it just didn't work. And that's ok. You're gonna get there. But you have to be willing to go thru the short term pain. You can do this. Peace to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 446
Kc, so sorry this is happening to you. As I was reading your post, I thought of a Medium article that I just read yesterday:
”It’s the realization that the future is a fragment of our imagination — it has yet to be. And so self-awareness is simply the acceptance of what is, and the conscious reorientation of our thoughts to what we can do at this very moment to intentionally create the change we want.
Here’s what happens with this realization:
https://medium.com/mind-cafe/5-key-h...s-8caffa982387
”It’s the realization that the future is a fragment of our imagination — it has yet to be. And so self-awareness is simply the acceptance of what is, and the conscious reorientation of our thoughts to what we can do at this very moment to intentionally create the change we want.
Here’s what happens with this realization:
- You understand that your perspective is what creates your reality: You stop all suffering because suffering is simply the refusal of what is. Once you accept the present as it is, you stop draining your energy on fighting what cannot be changed and instead investing your energy on what is within your control to create the change you desire”
https://medium.com/mind-cafe/5-key-h...s-8caffa982387
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by Achnasheen 
((((hugs)))) you are not stupid, you are human - be gentle and kind with yourself. And you've received the gift of confirmation of why you left.
Your unpleasant emotions will pass and you'll get more joy from the wonderful life you are creating for yourself! You got this!
Your unpleasant emotions will pass and you'll get more joy from the wonderful life you are creating for yourself! You got this!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
kc-----the course of alcoholism is progressive----meaning that it gets worse, over time. You were with him for years and years----and, your presence did not prevent him from drinking or for his alcoholism from progressing. The presence of you or your children will not be what causes him to "do better". Nor will the absence of you or your children. The thing that might cause him to "do better" would have to come from inside himself. If he ever got to the point of thinking that sobriety looks better than living under the pain of alcoholism. You can never know if that time will come for him-----or not.
The only thing that you can do is to take the best care of your self and your welfare, and that of your children.
The only thing that you can do is to take the best care of your self and your welfare, and that of your children.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm sorry you are down in the dumps, Kc! I think we all understand why you started talking to him and meeting with him again.
I learned something early on when I joined SR:
No new contact = No new hurt
And it's true. Contact someone who is absolutely toxic to us and unwilling to change because we hope they will "see the light" just resets the grieving process back to the beginning. Because the heart hopes for better.
I learned something early on when I joined SR:
No new contact = No new hurt
And it's true. Contact someone who is absolutely toxic to us and unwilling to change because we hope they will "see the light" just resets the grieving process back to the beginning. Because the heart hopes for better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by Seren
I'm sorry you are down in the dumps, Kc! I think we all understand why you started talking to him and meeting with him again.
I learned something early on when I joined SR:
No new contact = No new hurt
And it's true. Contact someone who is absolutely toxic to us and unwilling to change because we hope they will "see the light" just resets the grieving process back to the beginning. Because the heart hopes for better.
I learned something early on when I joined SR:
No new contact = No new hurt
And it's true. Contact someone who is absolutely toxic to us and unwilling to change because we hope they will "see the light" just resets the grieving process back to the beginning. Because the heart hopes for better.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
And crazy-making it is when we keep engaging!
Another saying I love that I learned here....the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.
Sorry you're hurting! One foot in front of the other!
Another saying I love that I learned here....the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.
Sorry you're hurting! One foot in front of the other!
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