Flowing

Hi all.

My biggest mental obstacle in opposition to my my sobriety is the public perception of alcohol, the expectation to consume alcohol, the peer pressure to enjoy drinking.

I'm a youngish man with lots of "occasions" ahead of me, wedding, stag do's (Batchelor parties) etc and the thought of trying to navigate life without alcohol just seems impossible. I'm already enough of a social outcast but removing alcohol from the equation would just put me in a different category!!

vkf

Well that's a choice your going to need to make unfortunately. I just hit 33 days sober and I personally couldn't care less what others think. My life is my life and if others want to judge me on whether I drink or not they can bite me.

I look at it as my life or my death. I'm not ready to drift away yet so I choose life. Wasnt that hard of a decision THIS TIME hahaha!! Years and years of failed attempts so I understand it's a challenge.

doggonecarl

You point to exterior obstacles to your sobriety: public perception, expectations, peer pressure. But when you say, "...the thought of trying to navigate life without alcohol just seems impossible." That's interior. That's you. Your thinking. That's what you have to overcome. Your perception of alcohol and how it fits in you life...not society's' perceptions.

MaximusD

Flowing I am all over this post. I quit for 5 years in my mid to late 20s. The reason I relapsed was a divorce that tore me apart but that is another story. I totally get what you are saying as that was my thoughts exactly. I will tell you one thing that I found out after I stuck it out and told people I had quit. Every single one of my friends etc that I told respected my decision and MANY of them even opened up that they ALSO wanted to quit and looked up to me. I would almost promise you that the same would happen to you. Many people who drink have problems and most don't know about it. Lead the way and I bet you would see that many other young people would look up to you and some would even follow in your footsteps. Bottom line: You will earn a lot of respect.

D122y

When I was a drunk I could care less if you didn't drink except that I wanted you to hang around to be the DD.

When I decided to live a super clean lifestyle, code for stopping being a big fat drunk, I began to look at non drinkers with an air of respect.

I found there were more of us out there than I thought. The non drinkers tend to gel up at events.

If I am with a person that is drinking, like when I am the DD these days, I try to act like them but not let things get out of hand.

It is sort of an act when I do that, but it is also me seeing them in a clear light. It is truly enlightening watching a drinker go from craving to drunk to tired.

As the booze wears off the poor drunk begins to slow down and the non drinker is still going strong.

Being sober at the end of a concert or sporting event, driving home confidently, and waking up the next day guilt free and strong is a gift from God.

Thanks.

Steely

Hi Flowing.

People started to throw parties when I stopped drinking. 😁 Everyone was really happy for me, and so was I. Friends, parties, etc. came back into my life, whereas when drinking was not getting invited any longer. Not because they didn't care about me, but they knew there was a very strong possibility I'd do/say something stupid. They were right.

If you have become a "social outcast" because of your drinking, people, good people, that is, will be glad for you. And as others have said, it doesn't matter a tinker's cuss what others think. It's about you getting well. This really is life and death stuff. YOUR life.

I've found that asserting myself around not drinking has made me me a stronger person. Asserting my own needs for once. Besides, people don't care as much as we think. A lot of it is all in our head. I've noticed too that young people are no longer consuming the amounts as before. Not drinking is becoming normalised thank goodness. And bad luck to the liquor industry.

And you'll be loving the hangover free mornings following the parties. This is where we get our own back. 😂

Its gets easier to say "No", Flowing. It really does.

Steely

Why is D122y's thank you" button blacked out?

Thanks D122y.

Edit: It just reappeared. Nifty.

DreamCatcher17

The best thing about sobriety for me was learning who my real friends were/are! It is interesting to see who leaves and who stays and WHY.
But, I also kicked out most people who drink alcohol since they drank like me, why would I want to be around them?
They did not help my recovery at all!
I surround myself with people I like and who like me for me, not for who I am after a couple of drinks, and to be honest, once I hit that point of no return (blackout) no one liked me then either.

It is totally your call on what you do:
Try to fit in and drink and maybe the alcohol won't affect you and you do not have a drinking problem (which would confuse me as to why you are on this site)
Bring your own drink, like carbonated water, or my new favorite drink is Lemonade with Pineapple juice in it or water.
If someone asks why you are not drinking you can tell the truth (i did, because I didn't want a million questions asked every time I was out) OR make up a story how you are on medication (lots of people choose this option on the site as well)
Tell them you have to drive.
You are not feeling like drinking.

The best thing about recovery for myself is that when I no longer want to be somewhere, I just leave. That is at a dry event or a not dry event. The reason is, I finally know that if I do not want to be somewhere that I don't want to be at, I can leave and I do not feel that I HAVE To do anything for anyone else as my sanity comes first. The better I am, the better those around me will be.
This all may sound selfish, but I also don't find myself leaving places very often, and I have a good reason when I do.

The last thing I want is to drink.

Blessings to you,

Nonsensical

The public can think what they want.
Pouring alcohol into my face nearly killed me.
I stopped doing it and my life got better.
The public can still think what they want.

Dee74

Youngish men turn into oldish men, if they’re lucky.This oldish man wishes he’d quit years before.

I knew how destructive my drinking was and knew damn well I did not drink like most other people, but I let my fear of change and terror of being different rule my head.

The truth is getting sober gave me back my real life. At the end of my drinking I was an at home alone drinker because I’d embarrassed myself so often in public.

My social life and friendship circle is better now in my 50s sober than it ever was in my 20/30s drinking. I’m exactly who I want to be, I’m at peace and I’m happy.

I look back at younger me tying himself in knots trying to change the disastrous outcome of my drinking but not change the behaviour of drinking and I wonder why it took me so long to see how futile that was.

Don,t take 20 years to figure this out like I did Flowing.

Abraham

Do what you need to do for you. Who cares what others think, and in fact they will probably respect your choice. There are lots of people who dont drink and even have never drank. Your just caught up with how your life is now and in the past. You are forging a new future. Do whats right for you.

PuckLuck

Outside of the immaturity of high school and college kids, no one really cares if you drink or not. There's a lot of people who don't drink. I know, I was shocked too.

MaximusD

Puck, the only thing I would add on to that is this. Some adults care if you drink, they are called alcoholics. Alcoholics love company.

Steely

Good point Maximus.

PuckLuck

That's true, but I think it's easier to navigate around them as an adult compared the being a high schooler trying to fit in or a kid in college.

I must be the oddball alcoholic because I never wanted to drink with anyone besides myself lol

least

It took me a long time to come to this point, but I finally don't care what anyone thinks of me. My best friends have my best interests at heart and all the rest can go to hell. Besides, now I do what's best FOR ME, and never mind who thinks otherwise.

fini

“and the thought of trying to navigate life without alcohol just seems impossible.”
yes, Flowing, for a long time it seemed impossible to me, too, and certainly non-desirable.
until i desperately wanted it, that real navigating of real life in a real way.
and then couldn’t do it.
until i could.
i remember at times looking at my dog and wondering how she could just go through life, (and life with ME, at that!) without ever having an escape...how she just had to take whatever life threw at her.
now i get to, too.
and i mean that: i don’t have to, i get to.
one of the things that was really helpful to me was to change all the pictures in my head for the future: the ones that had me sipping a drink at a party before going home early to drink as i wanted, or “celebrating” any and all occasions by getting drunk at home alone, or going on holiday or blahblahblah! i think of it as planting new pictures in my head, and new stories, and then watering them and helping them grow.
i am now a long way into that formerly impossible-seeming sober future and nah, it’not impossible at all!
you can do it!

DriGuy

Ha! It certainly will put you in a different category. Instead of being that guy that gets drunk at weddings and makes an ass out of himself, you will be just a normal guy at a wedding who doesn't drink. Lots of people don't get drunk at weddings, and many don't drink at all, and you will notice this when you stop. This was one of the biggest red herrings in my own recovery: "Never drink again? How about at weddings, where you have to drink?" This is utter nonsense, and you will realize it when you get sober. Right now you can't see it or understand it, but it is just a false impression that comes from constant drinking. In my case it came from years and years of drinking, and at one time, the idea of not drinking seemed nothing short of impossible.

Impossible? Never. Different? Absolutely. Sacrifice required? None at all. It's all a blessing.

Sober45

Sounds like you're a socially awkward person using alcohol to integrate yourself because it lowers your inhibitions allowing you to relax and be yourself. We do call it the "social lubricant" don't we? That's what I was like. I'm actually on the autism spectrum myself but alcohol turned me into the life of the party.

I'm 46 now and I can tell you that drinking to make me social only stunted my growth. It doesn't take much to go from "drinking to socialize" to "drinking in anticipation of socializing" to saying "eff it, and drinking all the time". In the end, I drank mostly alone (starting 7am on weekends).

This is my first sober summer since age 14. I was dreading it throughout the winter because we planned trips last fall before I quit where I knew drinking will be happening. But over the winter I was going to cancel because I just couldn't imagine socializing without booze.

But My 4th trip is this weekend and everything is going good. To my amazement, when I'm around people drinking, my social anxiety goes way down because they all look so stupid! I'm and interested observer now. lol.

Don't be fooled by all the media propaganda either. There are millions of people suffering from alcohol abuse....they are around you. The fact that you came here and posted shows that you're not blindly going with the crowd, you're questioning. Good for you.

PuckLuck

Sober45 touched on a good point and something I wanted to mention. We have been totally conditioned by our culture, the media, alcohol companies and everyone else out there that alcohol is this magical fix-all elixir that will make you fit in, allow you to meet the person you'll spend the rest of your life with, look your best, all while having the best times imaginable on planet earth...Oh, and if you're not drinking... You're missing out.