MaximusD

I am taking the first step in protecting my sobriety as I have promised myself I would. It is Sunday night and the last 3 weeks, Monday was the day that the binge starts. My wife goes to work. I watch my son and work from home. The AV is telling me right now that I need to go get alcohol tomorrow one last time. The rationale, which has gotten me over and over again is this. "I don't remember my last day of drinking very well and I don't know if I remember the exact time that I took my last sip so tomorrow, on my own terms I will drink one last time. Then quit on my own terms, remember my last time drinking, mark the exact time that I took my last sip and the AV will no longer have that as an excuse. In reality, usually what happens is I end up drinking the following day and then the following day and then again don't remember my last day quitting very well and don't get an exact quit time. This is my AV's biggest excuse. I will be up for an hour or so and am also looking forward to reading this post in the morning to help me when the AV is at its strongest. I will post this in my journal too but that doesn't seem to get much activity for some reason.

TiredCarpenter

Drinking again could lead to death.

I had a friend in AA that shared about his friends (he didn’t give names or a city) These two, a couple, decided to go out for one last hoorah. Then they were going to sober up together, for good.

One ended up dead and the other in the penn for murder.
Not good.

I find it very rewarding when I can resist temptation and do some healthy, interesting thing instead. It improves my self worth.
Maybe do some oddball thing with your son for fun.

Take care MaxD

Dee74

Here's how I'd short circuit that AV, Max.

'I'm being put in a position of responsibility to look after my son.
I want to be alert and aware just in case something happens.
I want my son to remember me as sober dad not drinking dad
I want my son to be proud of his old man and my wife to be proud of her husband'.

As for remembering your last drink - it's not mandatory or necessary to remember the date much less the exact time of last drink.
You have enough posts here now to fulfill that memory requirement of how bad things got, if you need it

You can make your sober date the eleveteenth of Juneuary if you like.
The really important thing is having decided to be sober you give your all now to staying that way.

A good long lasting recovery is not dependent on situation or availability of drinking opportunities

C0ntr0ls

You're giving your AV too much time and attention. Search for your other threads about relapsing [I'm assuming there are some] and then take your son for some ice cream.

Steely

I used to have that OCD type thinking with dates, exact times, etc. Sometimes would not quit on a certain date because I didn't like the number attached to that date. Just another means of allowing myself to have another drink.

Eventually came to the realisation as Dee has described above that it's about getting sober, nothing more. Once I did this this OCD type thinking abated and could see the folly of my thinking.

It's good to be sober each and every day of the week.

Kaily

It sounds like you want to have a funeral or goodbye party to alcohol. No way does it deserve that. It is just a horribly addictive substance that ruins lives and kills people. Nothing to celebrate.

Make it your past, not your present. Be done or it will be your future ...

Be123

I don't know if this will help Max, but it's something I try to practice.

When thoughts like that come I try to be aware of them - as you obviously are to write about it so clearly. Then I 'watch' them. It's a bit weird at first, i was really practiced in acting on stuff that came into my head, especially around drinking!! But actually loads of stuff pops into my head and I try to notice it, almost nod my head to it, then observe it pass.

Over time I see a pattern. Most of the drinking thoughts that pop up to me are 'celebration/deserving'. I notice the thoughts roll in - 'When you finish that you'll have earned a drink'; 'You've done so well a drink would be a perfect way to celebrate'. I don't debate with them, they are caused by physical pathways I've tunneled into my brain, I can't control that. But because I notice them I try to create new patterns - so I celebrate by accepting praise (very foreign for me), eating nice stuff, doing things that make me feel good. Over time these will programme my brain to what a reward really is (something pleasurable!) and in the mean time I observe my brain repeating old patterns, almost like a science experiment.

I also write on here about it to reinforce that message to my brain. And I'm led to believe exercise and good diet, and certain vitamins, also help the brain to re-develop pathways a bit more quickly.

Here endeth what had turned into an essay

BeABetterMan

My brother. You can drink if that is what you choose. But is that what you want for your son, a drunk dad? From what I know of you the answer is no. You have the power of choice. I don’t know much, but I know for a fact you’ll regret drinking. Please don’t.

Fallow

Glad you reached out.
I would get hung up on dates and times and final drinks too. It's funny how our minds work. In the long run none of that matters for me now. My only question is how can I stay sober today?

'If I knew that that was going to be my last drink, I would have had a few more.' Something I heard in AA meetings which is funny to me and speaks to how twisted my mind is concerning drink.

Bilbao

Just read your own signature. It's your decision to drink but it's a poor decision.

AAPJ

MD - If you drink again death is unlikely in the short term. Is it possible? Yes, but based on your past behavior it does not seem like the most likely outcome. OTOH if you drink again feeling like crap/hungover and being disappointed with yourself is guaranteed.

shakeel

If you are practicing AVRT, then you need to memorize the following sentence:
any mental thoughts that support or suggest alcohol use is the AV (addictive voice). Period.
There will always be drinking opportunities, if you fall for this one, then what will you do when the next one comes, and the next one and the next one.

doggonecarl

You are either committed to quitting or committed to drinking.

PuckLuck

Practice gratitude on this... You have a wife and son still. Be grateful.

That could have been me right now if I hadn't let alcohol totally dominate and control my life. Now? I have absolutely nothing and I'm starting from ground zero. I'm only okay with it because I have to be. Again, be grateful because if you choose to continue drinking you won't have them at some point. That's a 100% given. Then you will look back on it with regret, guilt and shame forever. Let that sink in. You've been doing great. This is Day 3 for me and we're in this together. You're better than the poison, brother.

biminiblue

In the Weekender thread one of the regular posters has the Summer Solstice as his sober date. I think there probably isn't a cooler sober date. If you don't drink today, that can be yours, too.

Except maybe Dee's suggestion

MaximusD

Everyone's posts really help. The AV was very strong this morning. I thought through it a lot last night before bed but needed this thread this morning to get me through it. Really, what does it matter what the exact quit time is? A date is good but an exact time doesn't really matter. It is OCD isn't it? That is how my AV has gotten me so many times though is with getting an exact quit date and quitting "on my terms". F the AV I am quitting on my own terms! Thank you everyone!

dwtbd

"F the AV, I quit on my own terms!" fixed it fer ya !

MaximusD

Thanks dwtbd, I didn't even notice that

RecklessDrunk

My AV would jump the day on me. Say I'm supposed to run or lift weights on friday night and then I can drink on Saturday night. I'm gonna go on a longer, slow run Sunday so what a great way to treat a hangover.

My AV focuses on drinking Saturday, then on friday it's like well your gonna drink on Saturday so you mine as well drink tonight. Come on you've been training every friday.

Sometimes this can start on a Thursday! Well if you drink tonight it's only one work day you'll be hungover. You can get back on the horse Friday (yeah right!). Maybe even swap tonight with Saturday and sunday (bigger yeah right!).

Now I realize tomorrow's craving has absolutely nothing to do with today.

lessgravity

Play the tape out. Play out the miserable, shame-filled movie where you start drinking now and see where it leads. The poison only wants more, it wants everything.