Friend gone quiet
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Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 55
Friend gone quiet
I have a close friend that I would hear from every day. 3 months ago I let him know (again) that I was concerned about his drinking. After that he would still contact me about once a week. I was glad he didn’t hate me and still wanted to talk to me.
He has never agreed or acknowledged to me that he has a problem. Just thanked me when I told him of my concern and my care for him and his family. Now I haven’t heard from in a couple weeks. I’m not concerned for his safety. I, as a codependent, go back and forth on whether I should contact him, whether he’s just moved on to texting someone else all the time, whether he’s thinking about his issues and figuring them out. Not hearing from him or knowing why or what he’s thinking or whether or not he’s thinking of me provokes some anxiety in me. Trying to let go. Leave it alone. I can’t help him or make him change. I just wonder what is going on in his head. Does he miss me? Is he avoiding me? Is he working on himself? Is he just going about his usual business of drinking and disregarding my concern? Then I doubt myself about all of it.
How do I stop wondering what he’s doing and thinking?
He has never agreed or acknowledged to me that he has a problem. Just thanked me when I told him of my concern and my care for him and his family. Now I haven’t heard from in a couple weeks. I’m not concerned for his safety. I, as a codependent, go back and forth on whether I should contact him, whether he’s just moved on to texting someone else all the time, whether he’s thinking about his issues and figuring them out. Not hearing from him or knowing why or what he’s thinking or whether or not he’s thinking of me provokes some anxiety in me. Trying to let go. Leave it alone. I can’t help him or make him change. I just wonder what is going on in his head. Does he miss me? Is he avoiding me? Is he working on himself? Is he just going about his usual business of drinking and disregarding my concern? Then I doubt myself about all of it.
How do I stop wondering what he’s doing and thinking?
Free.
Join Date: Apr 2020
Location: Saskatchewan.
Posts: 2,972
Pop him a quick text....”hey friend, how are things?....” (something like it)
Might be wise to just catch up, not worry about discussing the alcohol thing. He’ll bring it up if it’s on his mind. Or not.
No harm in texting a friend. If your motives are sound.
Might be wise to just catch up, not worry about discussing the alcohol thing. He’ll bring it up if it’s on his mind. Or not.
No harm in texting a friend. If your motives are sound.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I don't think it is a coincidence that he backed off when you addressed his drinking.
People in active addiction are often not comfortable when others acknowledge it, even when it comes from a place of genuine concern.
I would take care of yourself and maybe dig into why you are so focused on him and what he is doing when he is obviously not concerned with you or what you are doing.
People in active addiction are often not comfortable when others acknowledge it, even when it comes from a place of genuine concern.
I would take care of yourself and maybe dig into why you are so focused on him and what he is doing when he is obviously not concerned with you or what you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Personally when I find myself fixating on someone else it is because I have issues going on in me that I want to avoid addressing.
So I put my focus on sorting myself out.
If and when your friend is ready to be back in contact, I expect he will contact you. When people are drinking, they generally prefer to be left alone to do it.
All the best to you, glad you posted, I am sure lots of us relate to what you say.
So I put my focus on sorting myself out.
If and when your friend is ready to be back in contact, I expect he will contact you. When people are drinking, they generally prefer to be left alone to do it.
All the best to you, glad you posted, I am sure lots of us relate to what you say.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
"How do I stop wondering what he’s doing and thinking?"
Codependents often find themselves dealing with cognitive dissonance. (the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change. Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously).
As Victor Frankl would say, you can't always control your circumstances, but you can control how you think about them. Be true to your values and drop a quick note stating you've been thinking about him and hope all is well.
Codependents often find themselves dealing with cognitive dissonance. (the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change. Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously).
As Victor Frankl would say, you can't always control your circumstances, but you can control how you think about them. Be true to your values and drop a quick note stating you've been thinking about him and hope all is well.
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