struggling to cope with alcoholics domestic abuse
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 2
struggling to cope with alcoholics domestic abuse
Hi everyone. This is my first proper post here. I'm struggling with my qualifier who is my mum. she left rehab in April after five months, she was asked to leave because she was drinking in rehab but she hid that from us. she's always been an alcoholic, and she's always been abusive, verbally and physically, and told absurd lies and stolen from me. since she's come back from rehab she's been much worse than she ever has been before. after she came home unexpectedly and it was clear she was drinking again, my grandmother came over to the house to support me dealing with her as she was immediately verbally abusive. my grandmother left after about two weeks, and that weekend I was made homeless after days of constant verbal abuse and her trying to break into my bedroom for hours before sitting outside so I couldnt leave the room and being physically threatening. so because of this and that she kept telling me to leave, I had to go into temporary council accommodation which I'm struggling to afford and has mice and damp issues and is so far away from the rest of my family. she broke her foot recently (while drunk) so I was asked to stay at home to help her for a while by the hospital who called me up. I'm an idiot so of course I agreed and there isn't anybody else who is willing to help me with her, and since then she's been the same as before only now I've discovered that she's badmouthing me over text to anybody who will listen, accusing me of being unreasonable and completely making up scenarios that have never happened and making herself out to be a martyr because she's "helping me with housing" and I'm ungrateful. this isn't new either as I found out last year she had been stealing my identity for almost five years on the internet to s*x chat with teenagers, which I've never really gotten over. I wish I had pressed charges over this, but i no longer have the evidence. I dont know what to do anymore, she's completely nuts and I'm really hurt after seeing the things she's been saying about me. I feel so useless as I dont know what I can do about the situation other than just cope and try to distance myself but it doesn't feel enough because Im angry and totally devastated. it's like I'm being punished by her, having to live in the grotty studio flat with no hot water and mice and she gets to drink at the house I cleaned up properly after she left. I struggle to stay at home anyway and cleaned up the flat and tried to decorate a little to make it different because had a few breakdowns when she was in rehab because I struggle with PTSD and the house is a big trigger for me. I had five months break and now everything is worse than before and it completely took me by surprise, as I had hope rehab would fix things. I'm only 21 but I'm just so worn out from this situation with her and my living circumstances, and the stress is causing my chronic illnesses to flare up that a lot of the time I just wish things would end. I know this is a long and dramatic post but thank you for reading if you've gotten this far, if anyone's got any useful advice on dealing with this situation then please let me know
thank you, Mysterycat
thank you, Mysterycat
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello mysterycat, and Welcome!
I'm so glad you found us. SR is a great place for support! Unfortunately, rehab is not a cure all. The alcoholic has to want recovery more than anything else, and grab hold of it with both hands.
Your situation sounds horrible, and I'm just so sorry you've been living with this for so long. Do you have any friends or other family you can live with? What sort of social service resources do you have in your area?
I'm so glad you found us. SR is a great place for support! Unfortunately, rehab is not a cure all. The alcoholic has to want recovery more than anything else, and grab hold of it with both hands.
Your situation sounds horrible, and I'm just so sorry you've been living with this for so long. Do you have any friends or other family you can live with? What sort of social service resources do you have in your area?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,383
Hi and welcome mysterycat - I'm really sorry for what brings you here but I kinow you'll find support and understanding here.
It all sounds pretty dreadful to be honest.
You;re young and have your whole life ahead of you. Maybe its time to just cut your losses, live your own life and break all contact with your mum and leave all that nastiness and addiction behind?
I hope you can find a better place than where you're living now - sounds like you deserve a break
D
It all sounds pretty dreadful to be honest.
You;re young and have your whole life ahead of you. Maybe its time to just cut your losses, live your own life and break all contact with your mum and leave all that nastiness and addiction behind?
I hope you can find a better place than where you're living now - sounds like you deserve a break
D
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
MysteryCat, I'm so sorry for your situation. It sounds unbearable. I'm so glad you reached out for support.
You have done what you could to help your mother. Now, I think it's time for you to step away and begin to really take care of yourself. Is there any way you can get a place of your own, or perhaps stay with a friend until you get on your feet? Your mother is on her own path and she will get better or not. It's up to her. You have a chance to move on now and to begin to live your own life. What dreams do you have for yourself?
You have done what you could to help your mother. Now, I think it's time for you to step away and begin to really take care of yourself. Is there any way you can get a place of your own, or perhaps stay with a friend until you get on your feet? Your mother is on her own path and she will get better or not. It's up to her. You have a chance to move on now and to begin to live your own life. What dreams do you have for yourself?
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Out in the Stix of Southern Indiana
Posts: 2,784
Take care of yourself! You can't control other people and it sounds like you have done all you can. It's going to be tough for a while but you are a smart girl and you are going to have a wonderful life. Stay away from the drugs and alcohol and you will be fine. Best wishes!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
MC, your situation seems unbearable. No one should have to live with the stress you are under right now, it is far too unhealthy.
There are domestic abuse hotlines in many countries. I am sure (by the words and terms you use), that they are available in your home country. You do not have to be a battered wife to utilize these services. Anyone who is suffering abuse at home, of any kind, not just physical, can call and talk to someone that will point you towards the resources that would be available to you in your area.
I am sorry that your mum is so unwell. There is nothing you can do to help her. She has to want the help and she has proven that she does not. It sounds to me like alcoholism is not her only issue, but again, she'd have to want the help. You can find help for yourself. I think it is imperative that you do. You are a young woman, you have your whole life ahead of you, don't waste your youth trying to carry a burden that is not yours to bear.
Self care is not being selfish, it's looking after yourself. Please take care of you...whatever it takes to do so.
There are domestic abuse hotlines in many countries. I am sure (by the words and terms you use), that they are available in your home country. You do not have to be a battered wife to utilize these services. Anyone who is suffering abuse at home, of any kind, not just physical, can call and talk to someone that will point you towards the resources that would be available to you in your area.
I am sorry that your mum is so unwell. There is nothing you can do to help her. She has to want the help and she has proven that she does not. It sounds to me like alcoholism is not her only issue, but again, she'd have to want the help. You can find help for yourself. I think it is imperative that you do. You are a young woman, you have your whole life ahead of you, don't waste your youth trying to carry a burden that is not yours to bear.
Self care is not being selfish, it's looking after yourself. Please take care of you...whatever it takes to do so.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 2
Hi all, Thank you for your replies I'm glad I'm not on my own with the situation. I was with a family support service where I had a really great worker for over a year now, who helped me apply for temporary accommodation a month ago however since then she seems to have dropped off the face of the earth. Both myself and my grandmother are going to contact the agency again to see if they can help. Ive been to the council a number of times about the issues with the temporary housing and they've not been helpful, and told me I have to stay where I am until they finish assessing my case which could take a number of months, and family who are near me haven't got any space for me to stay. But, I'm going to try some other avenues. Ive just booked a trip away to Brighton (England) to stay with some family until I have to return to work on Monday, so I hope it'll be a great break and I'm due to start some therapy tomorrow too. I'm at my wits end with the situation and I'm trying to step away but feel a lot of resentment and hurt and I think this keeps me coming back. I knew rehab wasn't a cure-all and she needed to really want it, it just seemed as though it was what she wanted and It caught me completely by surprise how fast she did a u-turn once coming home.
Thank you all for your replies, it's been really helpful and a great release to finally write down all I've been struggling with.
Thank you all for your replies, it's been really helpful and a great release to finally write down all I've been struggling with.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Mysterycat, it sounds like you've gone above and beyond to help your Mother. I'm sorry for your struggle. You keep fighting, I know it's hard. 
I hope you can work through your feelings of resentment with your therapist and get the help you need.
Please take care of yourself, you matter to this world! We're here to listen and support you through this challenging time.
I hope you can work through your feelings of resentment with your therapist and get the help you need.Please take care of yourself, you matter to this world! We're here to listen and support you through this challenging time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 18
Hi mysterycat.
Boy, are you going through a lot! And at such a young age! I am not very much older, but I can tell you that a lot will change for you mentally over the next few years. You will get stronger and wiser quickly, DO NOT give up and do not get stuck. You've got plenty of time to work on your own recovery and land on your feet. Therapy will definitely help that, as will learning to detach from that toxic situation. You mentioned that this doesn't feel like enough, but for now, it is the best you can do and that IS enough. Reconciling with all of the anger and resentment will come with time, once you are a little bit more stable to deal with those complexities. Have patience, things will move toward resolve over time. It sounds like your grandma has been a positive character in your life. Will you continue to work with her? Is she contributing in any negative ways to the situation? Evaluate that relationship honestly, decide how involved you can remain while keeping your mental health.
I don't want to scare you... but I do want to WARN you because I have witnessed this happen to my very best friend...
STAY AWAY from drugs and alcohol, especially during this extremely stressful time, and treat these with caution as you grow. I'm not saying don't have a glass of wine with dinner if you can handle that, but please be careful! Don't train your brain to numb your feelings with substances (even if it feels harmless and you're just having fun), it can be a slippery slope for someone in your situation. This best friend of mine was abused for most of her life. Her mother was paralyzed from the waist down so her alcoholic father, though divorced, had a lot of nasty control over the whole situation. When her mother died, her father got custody and things got worse. She endured all kinds of things, physical mental and verbal, and I think I don't need to go into detail about it all because the point is, the abuse she endured REALLY affected her ability to manage a healthy life. She used to steal her dads alcohol and marijuana, but the habits never left when she moved out. She spiraled out of control into a life of addiction, pain killers, cocaine, alcohol, anything at all. Now she has been addicted to meth for almost 4 years and is basically unrecognizable. Hops between homelessness and living with her still drunk, still abusive father. Hops between jail and abusive boyfriends.
Please, be a success story! The world needs some! Break the cycle and live to the fullest. You do not have to be battered down by this bullsh*t lol, you can be strong and powerful. We are all here for you. Most importantly, YOU are here for you. I'm not saying you should never feel those negative emotions- those are normal and they tell you that something needs to change. Learn to harness and channel that energy into growth instead of destruction. I have faith in you.
Boy, are you going through a lot! And at such a young age! I am not very much older, but I can tell you that a lot will change for you mentally over the next few years. You will get stronger and wiser quickly, DO NOT give up and do not get stuck. You've got plenty of time to work on your own recovery and land on your feet. Therapy will definitely help that, as will learning to detach from that toxic situation. You mentioned that this doesn't feel like enough, but for now, it is the best you can do and that IS enough. Reconciling with all of the anger and resentment will come with time, once you are a little bit more stable to deal with those complexities. Have patience, things will move toward resolve over time. It sounds like your grandma has been a positive character in your life. Will you continue to work with her? Is she contributing in any negative ways to the situation? Evaluate that relationship honestly, decide how involved you can remain while keeping your mental health.
I don't want to scare you... but I do want to WARN you because I have witnessed this happen to my very best friend...
STAY AWAY from drugs and alcohol, especially during this extremely stressful time, and treat these with caution as you grow. I'm not saying don't have a glass of wine with dinner if you can handle that, but please be careful! Don't train your brain to numb your feelings with substances (even if it feels harmless and you're just having fun), it can be a slippery slope for someone in your situation. This best friend of mine was abused for most of her life. Her mother was paralyzed from the waist down so her alcoholic father, though divorced, had a lot of nasty control over the whole situation. When her mother died, her father got custody and things got worse. She endured all kinds of things, physical mental and verbal, and I think I don't need to go into detail about it all because the point is, the abuse she endured REALLY affected her ability to manage a healthy life. She used to steal her dads alcohol and marijuana, but the habits never left when she moved out. She spiraled out of control into a life of addiction, pain killers, cocaine, alcohol, anything at all. Now she has been addicted to meth for almost 4 years and is basically unrecognizable. Hops between homelessness and living with her still drunk, still abusive father. Hops between jail and abusive boyfriends.
Please, be a success story! The world needs some! Break the cycle and live to the fullest. You do not have to be battered down by this bullsh*t lol, you can be strong and powerful. We are all here for you. Most importantly, YOU are here for you. I'm not saying you should never feel those negative emotions- those are normal and they tell you that something needs to change. Learn to harness and channel that energy into growth instead of destruction. I have faith in you.
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