gonefishin9

If you read my other thread, you heard the news that my boyfriend is trying a month of sobriety again, after he abstained the month of May and then attempting "moderate drinking" didn't work out as planned.
I am posting because one of his old friends is in town this week and he is supposed to stop by tonight. I am concerned that he will bring over some beer, and my BF will not want to refuse to avoid embarrassment. Based on the past, I assume that if he did drink, he WILL stay in control with this friend. I do not want to control him and I am working through the Codependent No More book... but if he drinks, he is breaking his own word.
How would you respond to him in this hypothetical situation? Is that a crossed boundary, even if he doesn't get out of control? I think so. But control is the key word here. I need to learn/contemplate more about setting and enforcing boundaries, but I welcome any suggestions.

I wanted to ask this question not only about tonight but for future reference also. Thank you.

gonefishin9

I would like to try to talk to him about it before the friend gets here. Ask him to please keep his promise. Is that a good strategy? Or am I being codependent/ untrusting/ naggy?

dandylion

gonefishin----I am not sure what boundary you are talking about. It sounds like it is just a promise that he made to you and himself. That is not a boundary of the kind we talk about on here.
Also, rules for someone else are not boundaries. The boundaries that we are talking about are personal boundaries that protect you---and they are about you. It is also, your personal responsibility to back up or enforce your boundaries. If they are not backed-up, they only amount to wishes or hollow words. By the way, you don't even have to tell anyone your personal boundaries if you don't want to.

An example of a boundary would be-----I will not live with someone drinking alcohol----so, if he drinks alcohol, you would need to leave the relationship.
An example of a "rule" would be if you and someone else agreed that the last one to empty the ice trays has to refill them. It is a mutually agreed upon rule--that one hopes that the other would follow.
A boundary is something that you absolutely won't, under any circumstances, tolerate.

Another example of a boundary is that I won't tolerate anyone being mean to my animals. Say that a boyfriend came over and pushed the dog, roughly, off the couch. I would tell him that the date was over----and, I would never date him again. Even---if I had never even discussed my animal care philosophy with him. That is having a boundary and enforcing it.

gonefishin----why even talk to him about it. He is going to drink when he wants to, anyway. You don't have the time or ability to keep your eyes on him at all times. If he breaks his promise, he breaks his promise. That becomes his problem to deal with. He has to deal with his own alcoholism. What you are willing to live with or not, becomes your responsibility to decide.

gonefishin9

I expected to hear something like that. Boundary is too strong of a word. I guess I chose that word because we are trying to restore trust, and breaking of a promise would be breaking of trust. This has been a persistent issue. I am sad to admit that I don't have any idea what to do the next time he breaks a big promise like that. I wish I had a boundary for it but I don't. I am getting lost in all of these promises and broken promises. I never actually ask him to make the promises, but I definitely demand that he shape up, and the promises are a response to that...
So let's say its not a boundary. What would you do if he broke his promise? Is it appropriate to discuss it with him before the friend arrives, or is that too controlling?

gonefishin9

And thank you dandylion. I have so much to learn.

gonefishin9

I know my issues seem so small next to some others on this thread. I just really want this to work out, I really believe that we can do it, but I am so afraid of things getting worse now that I have seen what can happen if people are not informed. I feel like I am racing a clock or something, like its now or never.

dandylion

gonefishin----in that situation, I don't actually think that it makes a lot of difference in the big picture. It is just that if you talk to him about it---there is more opportunity for the two of you to have conflict over it---and, for you to possibly become more upset or conflicted over "coaching him". In the end---he will know if he broke the promise----and, so will you know that he broke it.
But, since it won't change the situation whether you talk to him or not---in the big picture of the relationship----I say----have at it---do what you want.

gonefishin9

Sorry dandylion I totally skipped over this the first time I read your reply. I understand and respect your point. I don't want to spend energy keeping an eye on him. I guess it doesn't truly involve me anyways so... ughhhhhhhhhhhh this is getting old, I'm crying like he already broke the promise. I've gotta get off these forums and just see if he can bring the trust above 0. If not, it can't go any lower anyways. Thanks again.

dandylion

gonefishin----there is no competition about whose issues are the biggest----anything that is an issue to a person is a BIG issue to them. We all understand that.

Tacotuesday

Agree with everything dandylion said. For example I don’t have any boundaries re whether or not my AH drinks. I have boundaries about his behavior around the kids (if I think he’s been drinking or is acting off I take them somewhere else so they don’t have to interact with him) or I go to another room without discussion if he tries to pick a fight after drinking.

Bekindalways

Gonefish, maybe think about sides of the street instead of boundaries; his drinking is his side of the street; his promises are his side of the street. Your side of the street is deciding what you can live with and what you can't.

It sounds like he is an alcoholic. Alcoholics drink and are not trust worthy. This is an unhappy reality but no one can change it. Alcoholics may seek recovery but this is entirely up to them.

Try to detach as much as possible from his drinking. This includes promises to stop and may even include some ventures into sobriety or even recovery. This is his side of the street. Stay away from that. If he chooses to discuss it with you, stick with simple responses: "You may be right.", "Hmmm", "Uh huh."

At the same time pour your energy into your self. What makes you happy? What do you want in your life? Long term? Short term? What are your own short comings that you need to work on?

All of what I have said is so easy to type here and so excruciatingly hard to live. Most of us did a messy course of experiential learning to figure out what we needed to do. It may well take you some time to understand the situation and what you want to do. That is okay.

Courage to you and let us know how you get on.

Bekindalways

This is a great example of a boundary. Taco doesn't have discussions with AH about not drinking around the kids; she has no control of this. Her boundary is to take the kids and herself elsewhere if AH drinks. Taco has complete control of this.

Tacotuesday

this makes me laugh & laugh! Taco does not feel as though she has control of anything most days. But seriously I appreciate what you are saying. This approach has brought a lot of peace to our home.

SmallButMighty

I lived this life. It sucked. It was a not-so-merry-go-round of lies, broken promises, misplaced trust, manipulations and anxieties... it was chaos and grief for both of us.

Not one of my talks, or ultimatums, or crying jags or screaming fits or threats every made a damn bit of difference. I made myself really sick trying to control his behavior, which in turn made me a pretty crappy wife. Adults aren't supposed to try and control other adults behavior. In my own life I have felt very disrespected when people have tried to make me do things I didn't want to do "for my own good". Doesn't matter how much they loved me, I didn't want to be managed or controlled. I am sure our addicted loved ones feel the same way.

My AXH actually said to me, in a rare moment of abject truth, " The only promise I will ever to be able to keep is that I will lie to you for the rest of my life to feed my demons". For the first time in a long time, I knew I could believe him. I took him at his word, I stopped trying to control whether or not he drank, I stopped interrogating, snooping and sniffing for booze. I started taking the necessary steps to get my life back under control. Learning to erect and enforce my own personal boundaries what made my getting healthy again possible. As a matter of fact, I came out healthier and happier then I'd ever actually been.

I hope you start spending less of your precious energy worrying about what he might do, and focus your on yourself.

dandylion

gonefishing------this boundary stuff is hard to wrap ones head around, at first----especially, if one has not had a background of strong and consistent boundaries.
However, that can change. As one works to do self-exploration and gains more self-understanding---it is easier for the right personal boundaries to come into place.
This is going to be a process. so realize that it won't all occur overnight----but, with your motivation and persistence, it will come.

trailmix

I'm sorry this is happening! I know it's hurtful.

You seem reluctant to make boundaries and I understand that, because if you do you will have to take action. So say your boundary is, I won't live with someone who is a problem drinker. He drinks tonight after making promises to himself and you and now you are dealing with a problem drinker (again) who has broken a promise to you (again) who you really still can't trust. If you respect your own boundary, you now have to take action. If you have no boundary you may well get hurt but you can let it slide.

I understand.

The thing is, boundaries are important as they protect you. Mentally, physically and emotionally. If you don't have them or don't enforce them, you end up riding the river of being led around, emotionally, but the actions of others.

Like in this case, your BF may well be looking forward to his friend's visit and having some drinks (btw, it is unlikely he will stop at a few, please don't let that be your expectation) while you are sitting at home crying and hurt.

You are not protecting yourself.

We don't need to build Great Wall of China type walls around us, but we do need protect ourselves and decide what we want and don't want, don't you think?

Bernadette

Active alcoholics break promises.

A month of sobriety does not mean a person is not an active alcoholic.

Totally sux how alcoholism takes all the normal bounds and rules of love and relationships and just twists them to serve Team Alcohol. But that is the exact nature of the beast. The norm in a loving relationship is "I will keep my promise." So, us normies take it personally when they break their promises. But it is just what alcoholics do, it is actually NOTHING to do with us.

However living in that warped world and expecting normal behavior can make us very sick, confused, depressed, and miserable. We can't change them Can only change ourselves.

The past is gone. You are free in THIS moment.
Peace,
B.