Seeking advice when wife leaves rehab
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Seeking advice when wife leaves rehab
My wife has been a heavy drinker the past 4 years. We have 3 teenage children; 14, 16, & 18. We will be married 20 years this summer and alcoholnhas always been there, i just probably didn't realize she had a problem until the past few years. My wife is in rehab currently for the second time in the past 12 months. She is a very verbally abusive drinker, with me more than the kids. We are financially in ruins as she has not worked the past 4 years. I'm struggling with how to handle her return. I want to be supportive and continue to help her in her recovery but I am ANGRY. The emotional scars are deep and the financial ruin will take years to recover. If we stay married, how do I deal with my anger and resentment upon her return? When she is tempted to drink, how do I say "no" and remain supportive in her recovery while suppressing the anger and resent that I know will resurface in me? Lost.
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What have you done for yourself? You have e very right to be angry but unless you do something about it this won’t end well. You need counseling for yourself (with a someone that is experienced dealing with addiction). The fact that you are asking how to tell her no if she attempts to drink shows that you have not really educated yourself on addiction. See if you can find pleasure unwoven, it is a really good documentary on alcoholism for the lay person. Truth is, nothing you will say or do will make her stay sober or relapse. That is 100% on her. If she did rehab out her her own free will and desire that is a good sign. If she went to rehab because others wanted her to chances she will stay clean are not good. But as long as you have anger and resentment things will not improve even if she stayed clean. So rather than worrying about her you need to worry about yourself. Get counseling, go to Alanon or you won’t get past the anger and resentment. Believe me I had a lot of resentment when my ex finally went to rehab after many attempts to quit on his own. He was ready to quit and so far he is still clean almost 4 years later but I was too far gone by that time. I still needed lots of counseling and w e tried to make it work. Luckily there were no financial implications for us but I was plenty angry and had tons of resentment that needed to be dealt with. You did not cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. So focus on yourself and let he do her own thing. My ex later in marriage counseling said that it actually helped him that I was so distant with him and really wanted nothing to do with him because it forced him to focus on himself and his sobriety rather than worry about me and our marriage. Your marriage is unlikely to survive if you don’t address the anger and resentment (which are justified but not healthy to hang on to regardless of whether you stay together or not). It may not anyway but at least if you deal with your own issues you know you will have tried your best to make it work. Also have a plan for if she relapses. Will you stay or will that be the final straw. Educate yourself as best as you can on addiction and get help for yourself. You will be no good to your kids either of you hold on to all that anger and resentment because they will pick up on that. Did the rehab have a family week where you spend a week there learning about addiction and doing some activités related to that with your wife present? It was very helpful (even if I had no desire to go because it was yet another inconvenience of his addiction) and I amd glad I ended up going.
Good luck, I know what you are feeling but I also know that you need to do something about it. That doesn’t mean forgive and forget necessarily but working through all that anger and resentment in a healthy way.
Good luck, I know what you are feeling but I also know that you need to do something about it. That doesn’t mean forgive and forget necessarily but working through all that anger and resentment in a healthy way.
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Thank you Sleepyhollo for the advice. Its funny, but thats part of the resentment; the fact that I now need counseling because of her alcoholism. I found a local Alanon group in our community but was told by my wife the last time she was in rehab that I was not allowed to attend because someone in the group might know me or her and then people would know she is an alcoholic. I complied to keep the secret safe. This time I will definitely attend. I probably do need to see a counselor, but I know that will add to our financial struggles; perpetuating the resentment every time I pay the bill. The more I type the more I realize, I need help.
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coach-----consider the following "story"-----A man was hit by a car,and, he was injured in the mishap---breaking his leg. The driver summoned an ambulance for the victim. When the ambulance arrived, the attendants proceeded to load the victim into the ambulance. Upon this, the man declared----"No! I am not going to the hospital! This wasn't my fault---it was the driver's fault-----Take HIM."
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Hi Coach, sorry you had reason to find us, but glad you did.
Oh boy do I ever remember feeling the way you are feeling right now. My AXH (Alcoholic ex husband) never went to rehab but he "tried" many times to sober up with no real success.
The fury, resentment, frustration, disappointment and fear can eat you up if you let them, so it's good to hear you are going to do what you can for yourself. I also felt annoyed(to say the least) that *I* had to get help and work hard at fixing my life all because HE had an addiction. That felt REALLY unfair. I will say that after gaining some knowledge and taking some time to breathe and think straight, I realized that not all my issues were actually his fault. I had my own part to play in the sick dance that was our alcoholic/codependent relationship. Owning that was not a comfortable feeling, but one I had to accept so that I could move forward in a healthier way.
I am glad you will go to alanon regardless of how your wife feels. Other people here have mentioned how their A's don't want them "outting" them in a meeting or airing the dirty laundry etc. Well, my advice is always... "too damn bad"... Alanon is not about them or for them, it's about you getting support and gaining knowledge that will help you recover and become a stronger, healthier version of yourself. The alcoholics in our lives have selfishly expected an awful lot from us, it is perfectly OK when we take the time to do something for our selves. Especially when it is as important as overcoming our codependence. An alcohlic who is truly in recovery understands the damage they've done, they don't hide from it and they don't expect others to suffer to protect them from their consequences.
Nothing you say or do will keep her sober. Nothing you say or do will will make her drink. That is ALL on her. If we could love them healthy none of us would be here.
You can work on you so that no matter what she ends up doing, you can face things going forward with a much calmer, clearer, healthier and happier outlook on life.
I saw on another thread you said you would read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Please do!!! You won't be disappointed!
Originally Posted by CoachP 
Thank you Sleepyhollo for the advice. Its funny, but thats part of the resentment; the fact that I now need counseling because of her alcoholism. I found a local Alanon group in our community but was told by my wife the last time she was in rehab that I was not allowed to attend because someone in the group might know me or her and then people would know she is an alcoholic. I complied to keep the secret safe. This time I will definitely attend. I probably do need to see a counselor, but I know that will add to our financial struggles; perpetuating the resentment every time I pay the bill. The more I type the more I realize, I need help.
The fury, resentment, frustration, disappointment and fear can eat you up if you let them, so it's good to hear you are going to do what you can for yourself. I also felt annoyed(to say the least) that *I* had to get help and work hard at fixing my life all because HE had an addiction. That felt REALLY unfair. I will say that after gaining some knowledge and taking some time to breathe and think straight, I realized that not all my issues were actually his fault. I had my own part to play in the sick dance that was our alcoholic/codependent relationship. Owning that was not a comfortable feeling, but one I had to accept so that I could move forward in a healthier way.
I am glad you will go to alanon regardless of how your wife feels. Other people here have mentioned how their A's don't want them "outting" them in a meeting or airing the dirty laundry etc. Well, my advice is always... "too damn bad"... Alanon is not about them or for them, it's about you getting support and gaining knowledge that will help you recover and become a stronger, healthier version of yourself. The alcoholics in our lives have selfishly expected an awful lot from us, it is perfectly OK when we take the time to do something for our selves. Especially when it is as important as overcoming our codependence. An alcohlic who is truly in recovery understands the damage they've done, they don't hide from it and they don't expect others to suffer to protect them from their consequences.
Nothing you say or do will keep her sober. Nothing you say or do will will make her drink. That is ALL on her. If we could love them healthy none of us would be here.
You can work on you so that no matter what she ends up doing, you can face things going forward with a much calmer, clearer, healthier and happier outlook on life.
I saw on another thread you said you would read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Please do!!! You won't be disappointed!
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Coach
You have every right to be angry, sad, stressed, and everything in between. I would urge you to attend alanon. That is for YOU. My 1st wife asked to keep things behind the scenes, and I did for a while. The thing is, that request isn't coming for a healthy place. Would a healthy person ask you not to receive help when you need it?
Keep posting and know we are praying for you.
AG
You have every right to be angry, sad, stressed, and everything in between. I would urge you to attend alanon. That is for YOU. My 1st wife asked to keep things behind the scenes, and I did for a while. The thing is, that request isn't coming for a healthy place. Would a healthy person ask you not to receive help when you need it?
Keep posting and know we are praying for you.
AG
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Coach, I know how you feel. I’m a medical provider and recommend counseling all the time to my patients but really didn’t feel like I needed it myself. That said, when I gave him an ultimatum and things were very tense and bad between us I realized I needed to do it. I honestly wish i had started a lot sooner. It may not have changed the outcome but it helped me make sens of it all and realize I am not crazy. And truthfully, most of us that are married to alcoholics are somewhat codependent and dysfunctional as well (big reason we end up with addict) we just don’t use booze to deal with stress. I had kept everything inside me for many years including the fact that my now ex who is a well respected upstanding citizen in our community was a drunk. No one knew except for 2 friends who lived out of town. I covered for him more than I’d like to admit. He didn’t want to go to AA the second to last time I confronted him because he did t want anyone knowing he had a problem and he would no doubt run into a lot f people he would know. That is a big indicator that they are not ready to get sober. Your wife can’t forbid you to go to Alanon. Even if people realize who you are they won’t talk about it outside the group. Everyone isint he same boat. When I gave an ultimatum and he went to rehab I told him it could no longer be a secret, it had to be out in the open . I was done covering for him and not being able to talk about it. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders when people knew about it because all of a sudden my behaviors made a lot more sense to them. After rehab he no longer had a problem goi g to local AA meetings. Your wife clearly isn’t ready to be sober. Because once they are they should be fine with it no longer being a secret. Doesn’t mean you have to shout if from the rooftops but should be able to talk about it with who ever you want to. Yes it is her problem but she made it yours as well and you have the right to deal with it as well. I still go to counseling 3.5 years later because my counselor is awesome but I no longer need to go weekly like I did until I moved out. It doesn’t mean you are weak. I had a lot of codependent issues I had to deal with and needed help finding myself and to stand uo for what I want and need, I have always been a pleaser (controlling mom growing up) so counseling’s has really helped me. Plus it is an unbiased party and you can tell them anything that in your mind. Mine is very good at making me think through things and playing the devils advocate, he never told me to get divorced or stay married. He just managed to help me come to my own conclusion. I did alanon briefly but it wasn’t for me. I don’t like group settings. I did have a friend who had gone through the same ting and she was a great help as well. One thing I never understood until he went to rehab is that unless you have lived with an alcoholic no one really understands how damaging it is or what you are going through unless they have been through it themselves . I never realized it until then either. Counseling was life saving for me, not just to help me through the 💩 show that was my marriage at that time (I also needed it to make it through my marriage counseling which was super stressful) it also helped me change who I was so I would not fall back into my codependent habits (and end up with another addict down the line). And it also helped me professionally.
I also never quit drinking that last time (I never would drink at home but I would have a drink when out to dinner) because I was mad that because of him I was expected to change my non addict habits. I felt like I had sacrificed enough over the years for him. So I get that feeling for sure. But I think that you will find that it will be very helpful for you regardless of what happens with your wife . And if you feel like you don’t click with a therapist don’t hesitate to loo for another. You need to do what you need to do for you and you don’t need your wife’s permission. Just one more manipulative controlling behavior that they are so good at. I learned to deal with that sort of behavior in counseling and handle it much better now.
Good luck and keep coming back here. People here understand what you are going through and by reading others stories I think you will find a lot of it very helpful.
I also never quit drinking that last time (I never would drink at home but I would have a drink when out to dinner) because I was mad that because of him I was expected to change my non addict habits. I felt like I had sacrificed enough over the years for him. So I get that feeling for sure. But I think that you will find that it will be very helpful for you regardless of what happens with your wife . And if you feel like you don’t click with a therapist don’t hesitate to loo for another. You need to do what you need to do for you and you don’t need your wife’s permission. Just one more manipulative controlling behavior that they are so good at. I learned to deal with that sort of behavior in counseling and handle it much better now.
Good luck and keep coming back here. People here understand what you are going through and by reading others stories I think you will find a lot of it very helpful.
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I can't thank each of you enough for feeding my soul. I'm a "man's man" who was raised to be strong and independent but I cry like a baby each time I read your responses. I guess there is more built up inside than I realized. Once again, SleepyHollo, you hit the nail on the head: no one understands unless they've lived with an alcoholic. As I try and think of people in my life I can reach out to, I realize they just wouldn't understand, so I remain silent. Thank God I found this forum and people who can listen, share, and understand. I know I am blessed and can't thank you enough for your advice and words of encouragement. I'm struck with depression lately, possibly fearing her return. Hard to feed someone else in their recovery when your tank has finally run empty. The counseling world is so complicated thanks to the pandemic, but i will try to get out there and follow your advice. Sincerely appreciative.
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Oh yeah I remember when I first started going to Alanon- my wife was pissed thinking that we were always talking about her. I went and kept going because in those meetings I heard many stories told by people who were no longer angry, resentful, stressed- they were relaxed and joyful, despite many having much worse trouble than I did. At the time I had not been relaxed and joyful for some time, so that got my attention.
There is no man tough enough to make it on his own while enmeshed another's addiction. If you want it to Alanon will teach you how to let go of the control you think you have or are trying to have. At first I noticed I felt better just sitting down in a meeting, just for an hour. Later after finding a sponsor and starting to work on my inventory the anger and frustration slowly faded, and it has continued to do so.
Right now she isn't drinking OTOH not in any obvious recovery program and there is little sign of the woman I fell in love with and married about 25yrs ago. But Alanon also taught me to be OK with me and let her be the way she's going to be. The house is peaceful now (even in the current situation), before Alanon it was h3ll on earth- fights, messes, various drama- the memory of it still makes my skin crawl.
I have a boundary that I spent some time working out with program folks I grew to trust, that if she started drinking again, then either she leaves or I leave with our 14yr old daughter. I say this advisedly because these things have to be worked out for oneself, not just decided upon. You have to find out what behavior is acceptable to you- both hers and yours, and what your response is.
There is no man tough enough to make it on his own while enmeshed another's addiction. If you want it to Alanon will teach you how to let go of the control you think you have or are trying to have. At first I noticed I felt better just sitting down in a meeting, just for an hour. Later after finding a sponsor and starting to work on my inventory the anger and frustration slowly faded, and it has continued to do so.
Right now she isn't drinking OTOH not in any obvious recovery program and there is little sign of the woman I fell in love with and married about 25yrs ago. But Alanon also taught me to be OK with me and let her be the way she's going to be. The house is peaceful now (even in the current situation), before Alanon it was h3ll on earth- fights, messes, various drama- the memory of it still makes my skin crawl.
I have a boundary that I spent some time working out with program folks I grew to trust, that if she started drinking again, then either she leaves or I leave with our 14yr old daughter. I say this advisedly because these things have to be worked out for oneself, not just decided upon. You have to find out what behavior is acceptable to you- both hers and yours, and what your response is.
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Thank you Schnappi99, it seems you truly have been and are in my shoes. Another friend spoke of this to me: setting boundaries. Seems like this is something that needs done upon her coming out of rehab. Is this a part of Alanon? It sounds so wonderful to be rid of resentment and anger. After reading these posts, made me realize my 3 teenage children have not been getting their best dad. I've been fighting so hard to keep the family together and give them a "normal" childhood that I've missed the fact that it most certainly is not. Just bought "Codependent No More" My journey has begun. Thanks for sharing!
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Thank you Schnappi99, it seems you truly have been and are in my shoes. Another friend spoke of this to me: setting boundaries. Seems like this is something that needs done upon her coming out of rehab. Is this a part of Alanon? It sounds so wonderful to be rid of resentment and anger. After reading these posts, made me realize my 3 teenage children have not been getting their best dad. I've been fighting so hard to keep the family together and give them a "normal" childhood that I've missed the fact that it most certainly is not. Just bought "Codependent No More" My journey has begun. Thanks for sharing!
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Coach, she’s probably been a problem drinker for much longer than the last 4 years. Alcoholism is progressive and gets worse over time. For some people is progresses quickly and others it takes years but the one certainty is that it will get worse.
are you fearing her return because you worry about her relapsing? If she does rehab right she will change, she has too in order to stay clean. And the possibility of relapse is real. Once an addict always an addict. She can never touch alcohol again, and until they understand and believe it they will relapse more than likely. All it takes is one drink to get back to where they were. Having boundaries like other mentioned is really important. Probably the main one is, what will i do when she drinks again? And you have to follow through on those boundaries.
Also where are your kids in all of this? How much do they know and how much are you trying to keep from them? They are old enough to know what is going on and you shouldn’t try and “protect” them because that will be worse for them than being open with them. They probably know more than you think. My kid was 6 when this all happened with us and and almost 7 when she went to Betsy ford children’s program. It was really great and she learned all about addiction in a age appropriate way. Even if you have tried to hide the problem from them as much as possible they are still profoundly affected. Most alcoholic homes there is a lack of communication and expression of feelings. And so even if it may not be super obvious and they may seem just fine. They are affected more than you probably think. They need to be able to ask questions and express their concerns. They may be scared as well not knowing what will happen. They also need to understand that their mother’s drinking has zero to do with them, even if the were the brattiest kids, their mothers drinking would still not be their fault. Kids will make up their own truths so best to be honest with them. The truth if often less scary than what they have come up with, if you find that documentary I told you about it would be good for them to watch as well. I was so done when I gave my ex the ultimatum, I just didn’t realize how much. It still took me a long time to accept that I was not a bad person for wanting out of the marriage, even of hè was clean. You don’t have to make decisions today about your marriage. If she stays clean and works a program things will change a lot in the next year. You have to give a good year to see how things evolve. And if she doesn’t stay clean, well then you have to see what you are willing to tolerate or not (boundaries).
I don’t know where you are at counselor had been back in the office since early May I think. We did one Skype session. I bet there are lots of counselors doing telemedicine so I bet you can find someone. Maybe check with her rehab to see if they have recommendations because they should.
How long will she be in rehab? My ex was supposed to go for only 30 days and ended up having to stay for 90. I thought that was crazy but in retrospect he needed it all and I honestly did too. I needed the break. If she is only going 30 days hopefully there is an intensive outpatient program. But all of that only works if she is motivated for herself. Otherwise she is just going through the motions to keep people happy for a while. Not uncommon.
Take care of yourself and get the help you need. Try to not focus on her too much because it won’t do you any good whatever her outcome is. But your kids need their dad especially now. So you need to make sure you are doing ok. Your feelings are legit but you gotta work through them. And with everything you have gone through and are going through it is no wonder you are depressed. Very normal reaction.
Also, are they having family members do a cost letter while she is in rehabilitation? It is a letter that any loved one can write to let her know how much her addiction has affected them. They have to read it in front of the group (without having read it beforehand) and makes them face the truth in front of everyone, it is really hard as you can imagine but the addict has no idea how much it affects everyone around them because addicts are selfish and manipulative. They just think about themselves. You might even write such a letter or even keep a journal to write all of that down. Even if she were to never see it it will help you.
Anyway, hang in there, find your own support regardless of what she thinks of it. She doesn’t get to make decisions for you. She needs to focus on her own journey which if she is taking it seriously is a very selfish journey for a while.
i wanted to add one more thing. We were raising my ex’s nieces (whose parents were addicts) and I was not really available for the youngest much her first 2 years of high school because I was too busy trying to survive myself. Once the secret was to we actually became really close and started talking a lot more about everything. She was a junior in high school when this happened. So even though it was hard, that was one really good thing that came out of it. I was emotionally available and she could talk to me about everything.
are you fearing her return because you worry about her relapsing? If she does rehab right she will change, she has too in order to stay clean. And the possibility of relapse is real. Once an addict always an addict. She can never touch alcohol again, and until they understand and believe it they will relapse more than likely. All it takes is one drink to get back to where they were. Having boundaries like other mentioned is really important. Probably the main one is, what will i do when she drinks again? And you have to follow through on those boundaries.
Also where are your kids in all of this? How much do they know and how much are you trying to keep from them? They are old enough to know what is going on and you shouldn’t try and “protect” them because that will be worse for them than being open with them. They probably know more than you think. My kid was 6 when this all happened with us and and almost 7 when she went to Betsy ford children’s program. It was really great and she learned all about addiction in a age appropriate way. Even if you have tried to hide the problem from them as much as possible they are still profoundly affected. Most alcoholic homes there is a lack of communication and expression of feelings. And so even if it may not be super obvious and they may seem just fine. They are affected more than you probably think. They need to be able to ask questions and express their concerns. They may be scared as well not knowing what will happen. They also need to understand that their mother’s drinking has zero to do with them, even if the were the brattiest kids, their mothers drinking would still not be their fault. Kids will make up their own truths so best to be honest with them. The truth if often less scary than what they have come up with, if you find that documentary I told you about it would be good for them to watch as well. I was so done when I gave my ex the ultimatum, I just didn’t realize how much. It still took me a long time to accept that I was not a bad person for wanting out of the marriage, even of hè was clean. You don’t have to make decisions today about your marriage. If she stays clean and works a program things will change a lot in the next year. You have to give a good year to see how things evolve. And if she doesn’t stay clean, well then you have to see what you are willing to tolerate or not (boundaries).
I don’t know where you are at counselor had been back in the office since early May I think. We did one Skype session. I bet there are lots of counselors doing telemedicine so I bet you can find someone. Maybe check with her rehab to see if they have recommendations because they should.
How long will she be in rehab? My ex was supposed to go for only 30 days and ended up having to stay for 90. I thought that was crazy but in retrospect he needed it all and I honestly did too. I needed the break. If she is only going 30 days hopefully there is an intensive outpatient program. But all of that only works if she is motivated for herself. Otherwise she is just going through the motions to keep people happy for a while. Not uncommon.
Take care of yourself and get the help you need. Try to not focus on her too much because it won’t do you any good whatever her outcome is. But your kids need their dad especially now. So you need to make sure you are doing ok. Your feelings are legit but you gotta work through them. And with everything you have gone through and are going through it is no wonder you are depressed. Very normal reaction.
Also, are they having family members do a cost letter while she is in rehabilitation? It is a letter that any loved one can write to let her know how much her addiction has affected them. They have to read it in front of the group (without having read it beforehand) and makes them face the truth in front of everyone, it is really hard as you can imagine but the addict has no idea how much it affects everyone around them because addicts are selfish and manipulative. They just think about themselves. You might even write such a letter or even keep a journal to write all of that down. Even if she were to never see it it will help you.
Anyway, hang in there, find your own support regardless of what she thinks of it. She doesn’t get to make decisions for you. She needs to focus on her own journey which if she is taking it seriously is a very selfish journey for a while.
i wanted to add one more thing. We were raising my ex’s nieces (whose parents were addicts) and I was not really available for the youngest much her first 2 years of high school because I was too busy trying to survive myself. Once the secret was to we actually became really close and started talking a lot more about everything. She was a junior in high school when this happened. So even though it was hard, that was one really good thing that came out of it. I was emotionally available and she could talk to me about everything.
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Thanks, once again, Sleepy, for your insight. I have hope to have the knowledge and insight as you have gained from your experience and journey one day to share with others as you do. Awe inspiring. Her last stay in rehab was supposed to last 30 days, but being home for her kids was more important and she left after 17. My fear is that this stay me be even shorter. She was calling friends begging them to check on her children while she was away. Kind of hurtful with me sitting right there wondering why I wasn't good enough to take care of them. I try not to take things like that personal, but it still hurts. The kids are totally aware of the alcohol situation but not the extent of the financial impact. I don't want them to resent their mom for not be financially able to do the things would normally be able to join if they did not have an alcoholic mother. But you could not be more correct about us not sharing feelings. In fact, my 18 year old said exactly that when I sat them all down and how asked how they were feeling about mom. No one spoke. Admittedly I am far from an expert where it comes to feelings. I grew up in an old school house where the belief was "children should be seen and not heard." I was treated as though I was loved growing up but was never TOLD that I was loved. Probably repeating the same pattern with my own kids. Trying to break it. I will DEFINITLY try the letter writing you suggested. Not sure how it will go or how to guide the kids but will certainly give it a try. Thanks again for your insight and sharing your experience. God has placed people in my path before who have literally saved my life. Thank you for crossing my path this time.
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Sorry Sleepy, didn't mention why I'm fearful of her return from rehab. Not afraid of the relapse, been there, done that. I've tried to set boundaries in my own mind where it comes to her and other men, yet I didnt follow through. I'll have to navigate that idea, boundaries, much better this time. More afraid that I'm not emotionally prepared to support her recovery. Nothing left in the tank at this point and trying to focus on my own "recovery." I'm on chapter 4 of Codependent book by Beattie, and finishing this post makes me feel completely like a codependent. 
Already worried about supporting her and not worried about taking care of myself. Starting to see it...
Already worried about supporting her and not worried about taking care of myself. Starting to see it...
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Coach------I don't know your location, but there is one idea that has not been mentioned, before, on this particular thread---the idea of living in a halfway house for a period of time, upon leaving the rehab facility. Idealy, this is discussed with her case manager, at the facility, her, any you. Each facility is supposed to com e up with a discharge plan for each client---and, you should have some input into that discussion.
I used to own a halfway house---it was an oxford house---You can google "Oxford House". My husband and I owned the property (landloards), but did not run the house. The house was run by the actual residents un der the Oxford House guidelines. I did have a lot of communication with the residents, though. They were great to deal with and were very co-operative. They were required to find work, and there were AA meetings at the house, every night. No drinking at all, of course. They were allowed visits to home, for those that lived close enough. The average stay was 6---to 18 months. Of course, there were some that stayed shorter lengths of time. This house was all men. Men and women at Oxford Houses are housed separately.
I think that this is a good way to handle the transition period between rehab and re-entry back into the family. It allows a much longer time to learn how to live according to the AA principles, and allows the family a longer time to work on themselves and, hopefully, to begin to establish healthier communication with the alcoholic.
I, also, think that it is a good idea to create a relapse contract for the alcoholic and partner to sign. This establishes agreed upon boundaries and what actions to follow, should the alcoholic relapse.
Some thoughts for your consideration.
I used to own a halfway house---it was an oxford house---You can google "Oxford House". My husband and I owned the property (landloards), but did not run the house. The house was run by the actual residents un der the Oxford House guidelines. I did have a lot of communication with the residents, though. They were great to deal with and were very co-operative. They were required to find work, and there were AA meetings at the house, every night. No drinking at all, of course. They were allowed visits to home, for those that lived close enough. The average stay was 6---to 18 months. Of course, there were some that stayed shorter lengths of time. This house was all men. Men and women at Oxford Houses are housed separately.
I think that this is a good way to handle the transition period between rehab and re-entry back into the family. It allows a much longer time to learn how to live according to the AA principles, and allows the family a longer time to work on themselves and, hopefully, to begin to establish healthier communication with the alcoholic.
I, also, think that it is a good idea to create a relapse contract for the alcoholic and partner to sign. This establishes agreed upon boundaries and what actions to follow, should the alcoholic relapse.
Some thoughts for your consideration.
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Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 23
Thanks for input DL! Yes, after her first stay they did offer apartment living once she was released from rehab. It was ina larger city and she would be living alone in the apartment, both men and women lived in the complex. She nor I were comfortable with that set up at that time. They also offered a 30 day women's retreat, cabin in the woods, for therapy but that was $10,000 and I thought we could do it; niave first timers. Round 2 HAS to be different, so these are things I will learn more about and consider. I'm starting to believe she agrees to rehab so that alcohol doesn't kill her. I'm not sure she sees the addiction, just the physical effects it has on her. Guess this time i will gage her mindset once she is out. Her last facility had no sponsors for her in our area, so that was a big hurdle once she got out the first time. Again, thanks for the advice. Much appreciated.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Coach, I wouldn't take her actions regarding calling others to check on the kids personally. That was very likely just the addiction building up A PROBLEM in her mind that she would HAVE TO DEAL WITH instead of dedicating herself to rehab and recovery. After all, the very best thing she could do for her family would be to engage her entire being with recovery, even if it meant being away and more disengaged with the everyday for a time.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
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Coach, It's good to hear you knowing you need to shore up your boundaries. I think learning to erect strong boundaries and enforce them was the best gift I ever gave myself. I wish I had truly understood what having boundaries meant from a much younger age, but I grew up in an alkie/codie home myself so how was I to know?
If you are interested in reading more discussions here about boundaries, at the top of this page is a "search" feature. Go to advanced search, type in "boundaries", click title only, choose the friends&family of alcoholics forum (you can leave the other fields blank) .... this will provide you with many, many threads on the topic and some really good discussion.
Really glad to hear you have delved into "Codependent No More" and are planning to stick around here with us, that's awesome! It warms my heart when we get a newcomer who jumps right in with both feet. This is not easy stuff to deal with, but it does get better when we are willing to do whatever it takes to get OURSELVES back on the right track.
If you are interested in reading more discussions here about boundaries, at the top of this page is a "search" feature. Go to advanced search, type in "boundaries", click title only, choose the friends&family of alcoholics forum (you can leave the other fields blank) .... this will provide you with many, many threads on the topic and some really good discussion.
Really glad to hear you have delved into "Codependent No More" and are planning to stick around here with us, that's awesome! It warms my heart when we get a newcomer who jumps right in with both feet. This is not easy stuff to deal with, but it does get better when we are willing to do whatever it takes to get OURSELVES back on the right track.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 23
Thank you SBM! It certainly helps to have "someone" to talk to and a place to learn and grow. Always hard to point the finger at yourself, and admit your OWN shortcomings. Encouraging to hear from others who have come through and are so thankful for the experience and enjoy the new person they've become. Keeps me going. Once I finish Codependency, I will certainly read up on Boundries; definitely before she returns. Thanks for all the help and advice!
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Coach you will find out that your own recovery is also very important regardless of whether you stay married or now. I grew up relatively privileged and non alcoholic home (I mean my parents were normal drinkers). I never realized until I went to counseling that I did grow up in a relatively dysfunctional home even though there was no addiction. My mom is a control freak and I basically grew up learning to just be tough and do what my mom expected of me. I was the youngest and my moms last “hope” (my sibs are far from being losers but just didn’t quite live up to my mom’s expectations of them). My dad was (and still is ) a doormat and my parents never have told me they love me (now I’m also not American so as Europeans we don’t sling that statement around freely like Americans but still). My moms love was shown through financial things. I just never realized how much impact my childhood had had because I was not abused, traveled, didn’t want for anything so to speak so I didn’t get that even though I had all the comforts I could wish for that it was still dysfunctional. My parents also don’t talk about feelings and I always felt very uncomfortable expressing my own opinions because I was always made to feel like they were wrong. So I just did what was easiest and that was to just do what everyone expected of me. So you see, you don’t need to grow up in an alcoholic home to come out dysfunctional and codependent. Like I said, counseling has helped me a ton and it has helped me greatly both personally but also professionally. I never knew what codependency was until I read that codepdency no more book before I confronted my ex but it certainly resonated with me a lot. It was a very steep but very necessary learning curve in order to make it through all of this and I wished I had sought help for myself much sooner.
I was glad my ex had to stay 90 day (he had to because of his job, had he left it likely would’ve mean the end of his career ) and even after that it was really hard and he was actually sober and working hard and determined to stay sober. It unfortunately sounds like you wife is not ready for true recovery. That’s why she has a lot of excuses of why she needed to leave rehab and likely why she didn’t want to do sober living. They continue to have excuses until they are ready to quit. But she can at least say she “tried” and that should be worth something in her eyes. A lot of people go to AA, not to get sober but hoping to learn how they can drink in moderation....which they can’t.
and yes, rather than trying to worry about her focus on you and your kids. I would also think about offering your kids to see a counselor or do something like alateen. And of course you don’t want to share the financial issues or even badmouth their mother. They need to understand that it is a disease and that the alcoholic brain is the cause of a lot of her behaviors and that she has not control over it because of the alcohol . But they should also understand that it is on her to fix it and that no one else can, that it is a disease certainly but it is also a choice to keep drinking. The most important thing is for them to understand that they have zero responsibility in her drinking problem.
And boundaries are so important. It is hard at first especially when you’re used (like me) to not want to upset others and want to play others. But boy does it feel good to have boundaries these days. There are several books about learning how to set boundaries. I never read them but I know people that ave and found them useful. I wasn’t responsible for my ex drinking but I was responsible for how I dealt with it.
It also sound like there maybe trust issues outside the alcohol (ie men)? Unfortunately alcoholics are good liars and manipulators and that won’t get better until they quit and work an actual recovery program. My ex did change a lot (although the 30 days of rehab would not have been enough, it took several weeks before he finally started seeing his manipulative ways) but he worked hard at it. Lots of meetings in rehab, lots of hardcore counseling in rehab and after rehab at least one AA meeting a day and sometimes even more. True recovery is very hard work and that’s why it won’t work if the alcoholic isn’t doing it for themselves but just to please others.
i have come out of this a much stronger person. Unfortunately the marriage didn’t work out because I was done when I gave him an ultimatum. I just didn’t realize it. Had he done to rehab 2 years earlier (the last time I confronted him but wasn’t ready to walk out yet) I think we might have survived. But the last 2 years (one of which he spent as a dry drunk....he was abstinent but no treatment which meant he was miserable to be around) really did me in. My feeling were just gone. We tried for 1.5 years and we did marriage counseling weekly. It was good to talk about a lot of the stuff and I don’t regret having done it because some of the things needed to be dealt with regardless of whether we stayed together or not. I’m sad that it didn’t work for our daughter mostly but I can honestly say I have no regrets in splitting. I’m much more at peace now. I also don’t regret having tried to make it work because it wasn’t a rash decision and gave me time to really come to terms with it all and realize that it really was the best thing for me and ultimately for my kid, much better to have divorced parents that are happy than married parents who are miserable together. It took me a long time to not feel guilty about leaving my sober ex. (Because after all he did what I asked him to..). That guilt thing has gotten a lot better as well because I had a lot of that as well.
Sorry for the long posts, I have a tendency to be rather worthy, not just here either 🙂
get help, take time to sort through all of this, you don’t need to make any decisions today as far as your mariage goes. Emotions are likely kind of running high so not the best time to make any life changing decisions unless you or your kids are in danger (which doesn’t sound like it).
I was glad my ex had to stay 90 day (he had to because of his job, had he left it likely would’ve mean the end of his career ) and even after that it was really hard and he was actually sober and working hard and determined to stay sober. It unfortunately sounds like you wife is not ready for true recovery. That’s why she has a lot of excuses of why she needed to leave rehab and likely why she didn’t want to do sober living. They continue to have excuses until they are ready to quit. But she can at least say she “tried” and that should be worth something in her eyes. A lot of people go to AA, not to get sober but hoping to learn how they can drink in moderation....which they can’t.
and yes, rather than trying to worry about her focus on you and your kids. I would also think about offering your kids to see a counselor or do something like alateen. And of course you don’t want to share the financial issues or even badmouth their mother. They need to understand that it is a disease and that the alcoholic brain is the cause of a lot of her behaviors and that she has not control over it because of the alcohol . But they should also understand that it is on her to fix it and that no one else can, that it is a disease certainly but it is also a choice to keep drinking. The most important thing is for them to understand that they have zero responsibility in her drinking problem.
And boundaries are so important. It is hard at first especially when you’re used (like me) to not want to upset others and want to play others. But boy does it feel good to have boundaries these days. There are several books about learning how to set boundaries. I never read them but I know people that ave and found them useful. I wasn’t responsible for my ex drinking but I was responsible for how I dealt with it.
It also sound like there maybe trust issues outside the alcohol (ie men)? Unfortunately alcoholics are good liars and manipulators and that won’t get better until they quit and work an actual recovery program. My ex did change a lot (although the 30 days of rehab would not have been enough, it took several weeks before he finally started seeing his manipulative ways) but he worked hard at it. Lots of meetings in rehab, lots of hardcore counseling in rehab and after rehab at least one AA meeting a day and sometimes even more. True recovery is very hard work and that’s why it won’t work if the alcoholic isn’t doing it for themselves but just to please others.
i have come out of this a much stronger person. Unfortunately the marriage didn’t work out because I was done when I gave him an ultimatum. I just didn’t realize it. Had he done to rehab 2 years earlier (the last time I confronted him but wasn’t ready to walk out yet) I think we might have survived. But the last 2 years (one of which he spent as a dry drunk....he was abstinent but no treatment which meant he was miserable to be around) really did me in. My feeling were just gone. We tried for 1.5 years and we did marriage counseling weekly. It was good to talk about a lot of the stuff and I don’t regret having done it because some of the things needed to be dealt with regardless of whether we stayed together or not. I’m sad that it didn’t work for our daughter mostly but I can honestly say I have no regrets in splitting. I’m much more at peace now. I also don’t regret having tried to make it work because it wasn’t a rash decision and gave me time to really come to terms with it all and realize that it really was the best thing for me and ultimately for my kid, much better to have divorced parents that are happy than married parents who are miserable together. It took me a long time to not feel guilty about leaving my sober ex. (Because after all he did what I asked him to..). That guilt thing has gotten a lot better as well because I had a lot of that as well.
Sorry for the long posts, I have a tendency to be rather worthy, not just here either 🙂
get help, take time to sort through all of this, you don’t need to make any decisions today as far as your mariage goes. Emotions are likely kind of running high so not the best time to make any life changing decisions unless you or your kids are in danger (which doesn’t sound like it).
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