No one came to save me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
No one came to save me
I'm going to be 26 months sober tomorrow. A length of time that I have never achieved, or ever thought I would achieve, in my adult life. I haven't been present much on SR these days. I think it's just part of the cycles of life, the comings and goings, and perhaps also a matter of the stage of my sobriety that has me not making posts much anymore or even responding all that often to other's posts. But I am feeling something today that I wanted to explore and mark down.
When you get sober and you get out of the woods, swamps and through the general pain of early sobriety you start experiencing life on life's terms. For many of us, for the first time. For me, as a man, father, husband in my early 40s, it was, and is, an extremely complicated and complex experience. All the psychic obstacles, the emotional patterns, the techniques of avoidance that I used to sustain my years as a drunk did not suddenly resolve themselves once I put down the bottle. My addiction to procrastination, the feelings of impostor syndrome and haunting lack of self-worth - all these things now were waiting for me to confront and address and experience as a sober person, with a sober mind and sober psyche. The truth is that the real "life work" starts once we get sober - at least that is how it is for me.
All that being said, as I enter into the 3rd year of permanent sobriety, I want to give my self the gift of respectful forgiveness and gratitude. I saved my own life. This site and the wonderful people here helped. Books and resources out there were important for me to create tools and ways of thinking to get and stay sober. But, I did it. I did the work. And I want to enjoy the real, genuine pride that comes from carrying the water and chopping the wood - that comes from doing work. Pride, not in the hubristic, negative way it can be thought of. But pride as in "justifiable self-respect" - something I know I longed for so long and so deeply in my drinking days.
Along with that self-respect came something else I longed for- self-trust. And as I sit here today, I have a feeling of self-trust. I trust my self. Not blindly and not without the reasonable self-doubt we all should have (along with plenty of leftover self-defeating doubt and insecurities). But as I sit here I want to be still in the self trust that I have earned over the last two plus years. It's a remarkable and expansive sense of peace that comes with this feeling.
Life is still filled with great suffering and pain. I experienced personal loss recently on a level that, even having lost best friends and family, I have never endured before. My business is, like many, in a precarious place with the state of the country and world. My kids are wonderful but risk and tragedy remains. Nonetheless, I am here, fully present, awake, aware, assured, calm and sober as a bird.
No one is coming to save us. But we can save ourselves.
When you get sober and you get out of the woods, swamps and through the general pain of early sobriety you start experiencing life on life's terms. For many of us, for the first time. For me, as a man, father, husband in my early 40s, it was, and is, an extremely complicated and complex experience. All the psychic obstacles, the emotional patterns, the techniques of avoidance that I used to sustain my years as a drunk did not suddenly resolve themselves once I put down the bottle. My addiction to procrastination, the feelings of impostor syndrome and haunting lack of self-worth - all these things now were waiting for me to confront and address and experience as a sober person, with a sober mind and sober psyche. The truth is that the real "life work" starts once we get sober - at least that is how it is for me.
All that being said, as I enter into the 3rd year of permanent sobriety, I want to give my self the gift of respectful forgiveness and gratitude. I saved my own life. This site and the wonderful people here helped. Books and resources out there were important for me to create tools and ways of thinking to get and stay sober. But, I did it. I did the work. And I want to enjoy the real, genuine pride that comes from carrying the water and chopping the wood - that comes from doing work. Pride, not in the hubristic, negative way it can be thought of. But pride as in "justifiable self-respect" - something I know I longed for so long and so deeply in my drinking days.
Along with that self-respect came something else I longed for- self-trust. And as I sit here today, I have a feeling of self-trust. I trust my self. Not blindly and not without the reasonable self-doubt we all should have (along with plenty of leftover self-defeating doubt and insecurities). But as I sit here I want to be still in the self trust that I have earned over the last two plus years. It's a remarkable and expansive sense of peace that comes with this feeling.
Life is still filled with great suffering and pain. I experienced personal loss recently on a level that, even having lost best friends and family, I have never endured before. My business is, like many, in a precarious place with the state of the country and world. My kids are wonderful but risk and tragedy remains. Nonetheless, I am here, fully present, awake, aware, assured, calm and sober as a bird.
No one is coming to save us. But we can save ourselves.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,806
Wonderful, Less. Congratulations on the 26 months.
I like this, in particular:
And I want to enjoy the real, genuine pride that comes from carrying the water and chopping the wood - that comes from doing work. Pride, not in the hubristic, negative way it can be thought of. But pride as in "justifiable self-respect" - something I know I longed for so long and so deeply in my drinking days.
I also longed for self-respect while I was drinking. I pretty much thought I was a worthless piece of **** most of the time though. I think one of the biggest motivators for me to stay sober is that finally, really for the fist time in my life, I like who I have become. Don't want to lose that by drinking, and going back to a place of self-loathing. That was not a good head space to be in.
I like this, in particular:
And I want to enjoy the real, genuine pride that comes from carrying the water and chopping the wood - that comes from doing work. Pride, not in the hubristic, negative way it can be thought of. But pride as in "justifiable self-respect" - something I know I longed for so long and so deeply in my drinking days.
I also longed for self-respect while I was drinking. I pretty much thought I was a worthless piece of **** most of the time though. I think one of the biggest motivators for me to stay sober is that finally, really for the fist time in my life, I like who I have become. Don't want to lose that by drinking, and going back to a place of self-loathing. That was not a good head space to be in.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Congrats on 26 months! It's a lot of work to quit drinking and you should be proud. But as you've noticed once you hit that point where you know it's permanent there's an understanding that dawns that we need to figure out what's next. I too saved my life by quitting and I'm glad but of course, life didn't become perfect and this pandemic has complicated it more still. Having just turned 51 after seven years of sobriety I realize that the work of my life has to be determined yet. It's kind of weird to feel like I'm just getting started with my 'real life' despite it actually being at least 70% finished!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Absolutely awesome post, Less. 'But pride as in "justifiable self-respect" - something I know I longed for so long and so deeply in my drinking days.' My full respects to you, Less, thank you for sharing your journey and insights, I always look out for and gain something from your posts.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
That's wonderful, and congratulations on finding yourself on sober solid ground. I can related to all that you said. In my seventh year of sobriety, I too found a lot of what you've encountered.
I'll say that over the past several months, the death of my sister, Covid-19, quitting my job to launch a business, and just the general, gradual "trust" of myself all combined into a 'let my guard down' sort of state. In that state, I chose to allow marijuana into the picture. It didn't take me fully off the rails. But what it did do was gradually offer me an escapism, a set of unhealthy patterns, avoidance, slipping ever so slightly back into the shadows around the edges of addiction.
In part, that's because I became comfortable. I didn't post or read much here. I didn't go to meetings anymore. Went back on a sort of auto-pilot and didn't consciously remind myself of recovery or offer my recovery to others......
And it undermined my presence, my health, my clarity, my emotional well-being. I'm grateful I recognized it before it led me back to drinking..... but I thought I'd share here just to say that in my own experience, what I thought was self trust and strength and confidence - was actually the recovery equivalent of stopping exercise and thinking I'd remain in shape.
I'll say that over the past several months, the death of my sister, Covid-19, quitting my job to launch a business, and just the general, gradual "trust" of myself all combined into a 'let my guard down' sort of state. In that state, I chose to allow marijuana into the picture. It didn't take me fully off the rails. But what it did do was gradually offer me an escapism, a set of unhealthy patterns, avoidance, slipping ever so slightly back into the shadows around the edges of addiction.
In part, that's because I became comfortable. I didn't post or read much here. I didn't go to meetings anymore. Went back on a sort of auto-pilot and didn't consciously remind myself of recovery or offer my recovery to others......
And it undermined my presence, my health, my clarity, my emotional well-being. I'm grateful I recognized it before it led me back to drinking..... but I thought I'd share here just to say that in my own experience, what I thought was self trust and strength and confidence - was actually the recovery equivalent of stopping exercise and thinking I'd remain in shape.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,404
Originally Posted by FreeOwl 
That's wonderful, and congratulations on finding yourself on sober solid ground. I can related to all that you said. In my seventh year of sobriety, I too found a lot of what you've encountered.
I'll say that over the past several months, the death of my sister, Covid-19, quitting my job to launch a business, and just the general, gradual "trust" of myself all combined into a 'let my guard down' sort of state. In that state, I chose to allow marijuana into the picture. It didn't take me fully off the rails. But what it did do was gradually offer me an escapism, a set of unhealthy patterns, avoidance, slipping ever so slightly back into the shadows around the edges of addiction.
In part, that's because I became comfortable. I didn't post or read much here. I didn't go to meetings anymore. Went back on a sort of auto-pilot and didn't consciously remind myself of recovery or offer my recovery to others......
And it undermined my presence, my health, my clarity, my emotional well-being. I'm grateful I recognized it before it led me back to drinking..... but I thought I'd share here just to say that in my own experience, what I thought was self trust and strength and confidence - was actually the recovery equivalent of stopping exercise and thinking I'd remain in shape.
I'll say that over the past several months, the death of my sister, Covid-19, quitting my job to launch a business, and just the general, gradual "trust" of myself all combined into a 'let my guard down' sort of state. In that state, I chose to allow marijuana into the picture. It didn't take me fully off the rails. But what it did do was gradually offer me an escapism, a set of unhealthy patterns, avoidance, slipping ever so slightly back into the shadows around the edges of addiction.
In part, that's because I became comfortable. I didn't post or read much here. I didn't go to meetings anymore. Went back on a sort of auto-pilot and didn't consciously remind myself of recovery or offer my recovery to others......
And it undermined my presence, my health, my clarity, my emotional well-being. I'm grateful I recognized it before it led me back to drinking..... but I thought I'd share here just to say that in my own experience, what I thought was self trust and strength and confidence - was actually the recovery equivalent of stopping exercise and thinking I'd remain in shape.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
