Update
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Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
Update
Hi All,
I thought it would be easiest to just start a new thread and provide an update as to where I am mentally and in terms of the situation with my ex ABF.
I blocked him for about a week....and then yes, I touched the fire again. In my mind, I was totally in control. I thought----I know the deal. This guy is a drunk. He is a mess and this won't ever be a real, healthy long term thing. But right now I am also dealing with my uncooperative estranged husband.....work that is a stressful ********...and some health issues. I am a BC survivor and needed to have surgery to fix issues with my implants. I just didn't have the mental energy to work on this part of life and it seemed easier to just go with the flow and enjoy his company, take it for what it is when it is....someone to have fun with, vent with....have someone tell me how sexy I am, have great sex with.....pass the time as I wait for my divorce to wind through the system. ANd I thought when my divorce went through if he STILL had no proof of his, bye bye....we talked and he swore on his mother's grave that he had filed for divorce, the shutdown had slowed the process. He loves me, he didn't love her...said things like, "I WILL be your next husband you realize that?" and I would always say, yeah well get a divorce first. "Oh, mine will be simple." We hung out several times....had a blast. Once when he went out for a cig, I asked the one bartender, "hey while M is gone, tell me all his secrets, haha..." and she said oh he doesn't have any, what you see is what you get haha. He came back in and I told him, hey, Mel won't give up the goods on you, I tried, haha....another night, a guy came in who speaks Spanish (I am fluent) and so I asked him, hey, what is the deal with M and X (the maid he claims leaves her **** all over his house). THe guy looked really uncomfortable and said oh they have their thing, I dont' get involved. I told M about it and said, what i "your thing?" and he bullshitted some answer. Again....I let it slide. We hung out a few more times and it was great.
I had my surgery and family came to take care of me. He said his son was coming home to visit.....I said that is great. he said his wife was also coming down. I said why? To hang out? Why if you are getting a divorce? He said no, she is coming to get her **** out of the basement. I told her it needs to go.
Now---this is an accurate thing---there are boxes of stuff of hers I have seen piled in the basement. To me, this made sense----you are getting a divorce, possibly losing this house, you probably want to get your crap out of there before it gets tossed.
While I recovered these past few days he has been texting and checking in on me.....called me this morning (yes drunk). As we are talkign I said, so how did it go with K? I mean, did she come get her stuff from the basement? He said yes, she was here...she took some stuff. She took a lot of stuff. She gave me a painting. It's of a guitar (he was a musician before). It is on my mantel. I said...wait...why would she do that if you are getting a divorce? He said, let's not do this now. I don't want to do this now, not while you are recovering and on pain pills. I said oh, I am not on any pills. Let's do this now....
"I am going to work things out with my wife. You and I can't see each other anymore because I need to make it work with her." I said...WTF? Seriously? you love her? You want to be with her? He said, "no, I dont but that is what I was told I needed to tell you." By who?? Who told you to say this? He said, I can't say, it doesn't matter. But, I am married to her and I should try to make it work. I said.....make it work with someone who is physically abusive? He said yes, yes she is....she will never let me go. If she finds out about you, she will stalk you, she will beat the **** out of you. You don't want this drama in your life, you really don't. You need to just walk away from this. I said, so...you never filed for divorce. He said no, I lied. And I am pissed off that you went behind my back asking about my secrets. Maybe next time read the room better, do you think anyone would tell you anything? I said, well that is the point----I wasn't sneaking around.
And he goes on about how everyone loves her, everyone thinks she is hot which he doesn't and that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but doesn't see why I would ever put up with his ********. I can do so much better. I said, so what you are going to move to PA and live with her? He said no, no, she lives in a women's shelter. I said, what, with her kids?? He said yes.....at some point you would think she would get it together and get a place but no....He told me her full name and I said, I already know that, you know I know that----and he said, ah so see you are a stalker too.
I know, everyone said, how to tell an alcoholic is lying, their lips are moving. Accurate. I don't know why he felt the need to go above and beyond with what he felt for me....fill my head and heart with his crap.
He said we should talk later today....when I am not half asleep and he is not drunk, for closure. My head is spinning.....
I thought it would be easiest to just start a new thread and provide an update as to where I am mentally and in terms of the situation with my ex ABF.
I blocked him for about a week....and then yes, I touched the fire again. In my mind, I was totally in control. I thought----I know the deal. This guy is a drunk. He is a mess and this won't ever be a real, healthy long term thing. But right now I am also dealing with my uncooperative estranged husband.....work that is a stressful ********...and some health issues. I am a BC survivor and needed to have surgery to fix issues with my implants. I just didn't have the mental energy to work on this part of life and it seemed easier to just go with the flow and enjoy his company, take it for what it is when it is....someone to have fun with, vent with....have someone tell me how sexy I am, have great sex with.....pass the time as I wait for my divorce to wind through the system. ANd I thought when my divorce went through if he STILL had no proof of his, bye bye....we talked and he swore on his mother's grave that he had filed for divorce, the shutdown had slowed the process. He loves me, he didn't love her...said things like, "I WILL be your next husband you realize that?" and I would always say, yeah well get a divorce first. "Oh, mine will be simple." We hung out several times....had a blast. Once when he went out for a cig, I asked the one bartender, "hey while M is gone, tell me all his secrets, haha..." and she said oh he doesn't have any, what you see is what you get haha. He came back in and I told him, hey, Mel won't give up the goods on you, I tried, haha....another night, a guy came in who speaks Spanish (I am fluent) and so I asked him, hey, what is the deal with M and X (the maid he claims leaves her **** all over his house). THe guy looked really uncomfortable and said oh they have their thing, I dont' get involved. I told M about it and said, what i "your thing?" and he bullshitted some answer. Again....I let it slide. We hung out a few more times and it was great.
I had my surgery and family came to take care of me. He said his son was coming home to visit.....I said that is great. he said his wife was also coming down. I said why? To hang out? Why if you are getting a divorce? He said no, she is coming to get her **** out of the basement. I told her it needs to go.
Now---this is an accurate thing---there are boxes of stuff of hers I have seen piled in the basement. To me, this made sense----you are getting a divorce, possibly losing this house, you probably want to get your crap out of there before it gets tossed.
While I recovered these past few days he has been texting and checking in on me.....called me this morning (yes drunk). As we are talkign I said, so how did it go with K? I mean, did she come get her stuff from the basement? He said yes, she was here...she took some stuff. She took a lot of stuff. She gave me a painting. It's of a guitar (he was a musician before). It is on my mantel. I said...wait...why would she do that if you are getting a divorce? He said, let's not do this now. I don't want to do this now, not while you are recovering and on pain pills. I said oh, I am not on any pills. Let's do this now....
"I am going to work things out with my wife. You and I can't see each other anymore because I need to make it work with her." I said...WTF? Seriously? you love her? You want to be with her? He said, "no, I dont but that is what I was told I needed to tell you." By who?? Who told you to say this? He said, I can't say, it doesn't matter. But, I am married to her and I should try to make it work. I said.....make it work with someone who is physically abusive? He said yes, yes she is....she will never let me go. If she finds out about you, she will stalk you, she will beat the **** out of you. You don't want this drama in your life, you really don't. You need to just walk away from this. I said, so...you never filed for divorce. He said no, I lied. And I am pissed off that you went behind my back asking about my secrets. Maybe next time read the room better, do you think anyone would tell you anything? I said, well that is the point----I wasn't sneaking around.
And he goes on about how everyone loves her, everyone thinks she is hot which he doesn't and that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but doesn't see why I would ever put up with his ********. I can do so much better. I said, so what you are going to move to PA and live with her? He said no, no, she lives in a women's shelter. I said, what, with her kids?? He said yes.....at some point you would think she would get it together and get a place but no....He told me her full name and I said, I already know that, you know I know that----and he said, ah so see you are a stalker too.
I know, everyone said, how to tell an alcoholic is lying, their lips are moving. Accurate. I don't know why he felt the need to go above and beyond with what he felt for me....fill my head and heart with his crap.
He said we should talk later today....when I am not half asleep and he is not drunk, for closure. My head is spinning.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
What, exactly, is there to talk about later today?
Maddoc, I hope you recover from your surgery well and have plenty of support. This is not about his wife, or his divorce, or his friends, or his "secrets", or his addiction, or what he says versus what he does. This is about you and the choices you make for your best well-being.
Maddoc, I hope you recover from your surgery well and have plenty of support. This is not about his wife, or his divorce, or his friends, or his "secrets", or his addiction, or what he says versus what he does. This is about you and the choices you make for your best well-being.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
What, exactly, is there to talk about later today?
Maddoc, I hope you recover from your surgery well and have plenty of support. This is not about his wife, or his divorce, or his friends, or his "secrets", or his addiction, or what he says versus what he does. This is about you and the choices you make for your best well-being.
Maddoc, I hope you recover from your surgery well and have plenty of support. This is not about his wife, or his divorce, or his friends, or his "secrets", or his addiction, or what he says versus what he does. This is about you and the choices you make for your best well-being.
I feel like moving forward----how do I ever trust again? I mean, I spent days on end in his home. Met his friends. And had no clue he was married. How can I ever believe any other guy when they tell me they are single? I just.....I don't know, I guess I want him to assure me I wasn't a moron. I didn't miss the obvious..... Just two days ago he was telling me his preference for lingerie and I freaking ordered it! I ordered it and now this crap will show up at my house and remind me of this huge freakin lie. I see the pics on my phone of our dogs together and remember the little "family" I thought I had found....WTF WTF
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
He lied because he is an addict. Be careful of pursuing this question in the hopes that you will get an answer that makes it about you, to feed your illusion that you have any control over his behavior. It isn't you. He lies for reasons that have to do only with himself and how he chooses to deal with life.
I think you learn to trust again by learning to trust yourself first, and to understand that other people lying to you is not a reflection of you. You only have control over what you do when you know someone has lied to you.
I think you learn to trust again by learning to trust yourself first, and to understand that other people lying to you is not a reflection of you. You only have control over what you do when you know someone has lied to you.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Santa Rosa CA
Posts: 240
Originally Posted by Maddoc78
I guess I struggle with wanting a "why". And I probably just need to realize I won't get a why. Like, why did he lie about filing? Why is he saying this now to me? I mean....if he was fine stringing me along this far, why come clean now? Why would he want to stay in this marriage with this person?
I feel like moving forward----how do I ever trust again? I mean, I spent days on end in his home. Met his friends. And had no clue he was married. How can I ever believe any other guy when they tell me they are single? I just.....I don't know, I guess I want him to assure me I wasn't a moron. I didn't miss the obvious..... Just two days ago he was telling me his preference for lingerie and I freaking ordered it! I ordered it and now this crap will show up at my house and remind me of this huge freakin lie. I see the pics on my phone of our dogs together and remember the little "family" I thought I had found....WTF WTF
I feel like moving forward----how do I ever trust again? I mean, I spent days on end in his home. Met his friends. And had no clue he was married. How can I ever believe any other guy when they tell me they are single? I just.....I don't know, I guess I want him to assure me I wasn't a moron. I didn't miss the obvious..... Just two days ago he was telling me his preference for lingerie and I freaking ordered it! I ordered it and now this crap will show up at my house and remind me of this huge freakin lie. I see the pics on my phone of our dogs together and remember the little "family" I thought I had found....WTF WTF
You are getting something out of this and it's not healthy
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Maddoc-----what you are doing is much li ke the alcoholic who reaches for another drink even though it is destroying their life. because they know that the drink will give a temporary spike in the neurotransmitters in their brain---a few minutes or hours of "feel good". Especially, the dopamine spike. It is one of the main chemicals of the pleasure centers.
this is the sa me kind of thing, at work, when we reach, again, for the alcoholic that hurts us.
There is no easy way out of the stages of grieving and searching for the dopamine spike. Like for the alcoholic, it takes time and lots---lots---of work and self examination and the wiliness to do whatever it takes.
I implore you to avoid pregnancy----and to practice all of the measures to avoid STDs. You don't need any more on your plate.
this is the sa me kind of thing, at work, when we reach, again, for the alcoholic that hurts us.
There is no easy way out of the stages of grieving and searching for the dopamine spike. Like for the alcoholic, it takes time and lots---lots---of work and self examination and the wiliness to do whatever it takes.
I implore you to avoid pregnancy----and to practice all of the measures to avoid STDs. You don't need any more on your plate.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by dandylion
Maddoc-----what you are doing is much li ke the alcoholic who reaches for another drink even though it is destroying their life. because they know that the drink will give a temporary spike in the neurotransmitters in their brain---a few minutes or hours of "feel good". Especially, the dopamine spike. It is one of the main chemicals of the pleasure centers.
this is the sa me kind of thing, at work, when we reach, again, for the alcoholic that hurts us.
There is no easy way out of the stages of grieving and searching for the dopamine spike. Like for the alcoholic, it takes time and lots---lots---of work and self examination and the wiliness to do whatever it takes.
I implore you to avoid pregnancy----and to practice all of the measures to avoid STDs. You don't need any more on your plate.
this is the sa me kind of thing, at work, when we reach, again, for the alcoholic that hurts us.
There is no easy way out of the stages of grieving and searching for the dopamine spike. Like for the alcoholic, it takes time and lots---lots---of work and self examination and the wiliness to do whatever it takes.
I implore you to avoid pregnancy----and to practice all of the measures to avoid STDs. You don't need any more on your plate.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Maddoc------I think that, in desperation, we are capable of thinking some really Krazy things to do in order to hang on to someone else. It is like our mind can only think of that one goal and we are rendered "blind' to everything else.
Just a word of caution----you put yourself in an extra vulnerable position when you are drinking with him. Just like the alcohol interrupts the executive functioning of the prefrontal cortex of the brain of the alcoholic---so does it do the same with us. It causes us to have lapses in our judgement (among other things). It, also, does a job on our impulse control. It allows us to do a lot of risk-taking behaviors, without adequate forethought---and leads to impulsivity. Who knew?!
Just a word of caution----you put yourself in an extra vulnerable position when you are drinking with him. Just like the alcohol interrupts the executive functioning of the prefrontal cortex of the brain of the alcoholic---so does it do the same with us. It causes us to have lapses in our judgement (among other things). It, also, does a job on our impulse control. It allows us to do a lot of risk-taking behaviors, without adequate forethought---and leads to impulsivity. Who knew?!
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi Maddoc,
Alcoholics lie, They lie to keep you close to them. They tell you what you want to hear. They love to manipulate the system, so it looks like you are the bad guy and question your self. I know you want answers to the dreaded "WHY". You are not going to get that answer, or if you get it the most likely will be another lie or not the full truth. Once they start and you didn't question them on it, they will continue to lie to keep you on the hook.
You are not a moron, It's very easy to get caught up in a dream with someone. Then see it come crashing down and wonder why you didn't see it. Alcoholics keep you guessing and telling you stuff that makes you feel like there is hope. You might never know the full story of why he did or said the things he did. He hid so much from you. The only thing i can tell you is if he keeps drinking it is only going to get worse.
What you have to focus on now is your self. I know you stayed with him because it was easier and you though their was a light at the end of the tunnel with him. Get to know yourself, what are your boundaries? Know that their are single guys out there that are not alcoholics and know how to treat a lady. You do have to open your heart to trust, but with boundaries set up you will be able to steer clear of the ones that are bad apples. Just don't be hard on your self. We learn from life and we move on. Life is not easy especially in this day of age. Just know that you are better off with out an alcoholic in your life. Keep being strong and keep coming back.
Alcoholics lie, They lie to keep you close to them. They tell you what you want to hear. They love to manipulate the system, so it looks like you are the bad guy and question your self. I know you want answers to the dreaded "WHY". You are not going to get that answer, or if you get it the most likely will be another lie or not the full truth. Once they start and you didn't question them on it, they will continue to lie to keep you on the hook.
You are not a moron, It's very easy to get caught up in a dream with someone. Then see it come crashing down and wonder why you didn't see it. Alcoholics keep you guessing and telling you stuff that makes you feel like there is hope. You might never know the full story of why he did or said the things he did. He hid so much from you. The only thing i can tell you is if he keeps drinking it is only going to get worse.
What you have to focus on now is your self. I know you stayed with him because it was easier and you though their was a light at the end of the tunnel with him. Get to know yourself, what are your boundaries? Know that their are single guys out there that are not alcoholics and know how to treat a lady. You do have to open your heart to trust, but with boundaries set up you will be able to steer clear of the ones that are bad apples. Just don't be hard on your self. We learn from life and we move on. Life is not easy especially in this day of age. Just know that you are better off with out an alcoholic in your life. Keep being strong and keep coming back.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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He lies like he breathes. He’s not just an alcoholic, he’s a narcissistic sociopath who enjoys toying with people.
So why did you believe any of it? You seem to choose to believe the things you want to hear and then you’re shocked when it turns out those were all lies, too.
You can’t treat this relationship like a bowl of ice cream...bad for you, but okay as a treat every once in a while. This is a bowl of arsenic.
Put down the spoon.
ETA: There is evidence that alcoholism has a hereditary component and that alcoholic fathers can contribute to FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome). Do not get pregnant by this man...he’ll have a hook into you forever.
So why did you believe any of it? You seem to choose to believe the things you want to hear and then you’re shocked when it turns out those were all lies, too.
You can’t treat this relationship like a bowl of ice cream...bad for you, but okay as a treat every once in a while. This is a bowl of arsenic.
Put down the spoon.
ETA: There is evidence that alcoholism has a hereditary component and that alcoholic fathers can contribute to FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome). Do not get pregnant by this man...he’ll have a hook into you forever.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
Well....he refused to take my call to talk this afternoon, as we had agreed we would do. He said, "I don't want to talk." I said fine....and I sent a long text basically saying I will miss him, I will miss the dogs....I had a lot of good times with him and I believed him when he said he loved me. That I was shocked he could swear on his mother's grave and lie when i thought of anything in this world, the memory of his mom was sacred to him. That I don't understand why he picked now to suddenly tell me that he never filed. That if he wanted a life with me, he could have had it---he just had to get a divorce. But, obviously he loves her adn wants a life with her. So, I wish him all the best.
He almost immediately responded that he will miss me and that he did really love me. He wishes me only the best as well.
So, there you have it....or rather, there I have it. It is done. I am heartbroken. And have some healing to do....and self reflection.
He almost immediately responded that he will miss me and that he did really love me. He wishes me only the best as well.
So, there you have it....or rather, there I have it. It is done. I am heartbroken. And have some healing to do....and self reflection.
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Maddoc-------maybe, it is time to start talking to us about what you are doing toward that healing. /specifically----like, what are you reading and studying---what kind of changes are you making in your environment and daily life----what kinds of I s sues are you persuing with your therapist? etc. What kinds of insights are your gaining? What are your hopes and dreams for the future---specifically? What kinds of changes are you willing to make?
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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That if he wanted a life with me, he could have had it---he just had to get a divorce. But, obviously he loves her adn wants a life
You still want to “have a life with” someone who has cheated on you, lied to you, and tried to exploit you financially. Why?
I would bet major money he’ll be back around. The question is, what are you going to do in the meantime to learn how not to pick up that spoon again?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
We often seeking healing from the people who hurt us. It feels like it would be more valid somehow. Like, "even after all this, if he just came back to me and it all worked out, then it would have been worth it."
It's extremely unhealthy. It gives other people the power to make us feel right with ourselves--and even when we get it? It doesn't last. Because that feeling came from an emptiness within, and it is simply not possible for someone else to fill it. The only way to feel right with ourselves comes from actually becoming right with ourselves, regardless of our relationship status.
It's extremely unhealthy. It gives other people the power to make us feel right with ourselves--and even when we get it? It doesn't last. Because that feeling came from an emptiness within, and it is simply not possible for someone else to fill it. The only way to feel right with ourselves comes from actually becoming right with ourselves, regardless of our relationship status.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Hey Maddoc, you said about the relationship that "it is done" However that is absolulty NOT true unless you really take to heart some version of what Dandy wrote below:
If you don't start making some changes with yourself then you are most certainly NOT done. Even if you never see this guy again there are thousands out there with horrific problems and as you are right now you are a sitting duck for these guys.
So far it doesn't look like you have made it a week without going back to him. Come up with a plan so you stay away from him and others like him.
Let us know how you get on.
Originally Posted by dandylion
Maddoc-------maybe, it is time to start talking to us about what you are doing toward that healing. /specifically----like, what are you reading and studying---what kind of changes are you making in your environment and daily life----what kinds of I s sues are you persuing with your therapist? etc. What kinds of insights are your gaining? What are your hopes and dreams for the future---specifically? What kinds of changes are you willing to make?
So far it doesn't look like you have made it a week without going back to him. Come up with a plan so you stay away from him and others like him.
Let us know how you get on.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
I’m in 100% agreement with Aries on this. He’s a sociopath, IMHO.
He will keep playing these cruel games with you as long as you allow.
He is ENJOYING hurting you with these bizarre lies and stories.
I hope you have your bank accounts, credit cards and valuables secured.
I’m glad you are healing well from your surgery and congratulations on surviving BC! If you ever get rid of this person, you will be able to say “I survived a Sociopath!”
Best of luck.
He will keep playing these cruel games with you as long as you allow.
He is ENJOYING hurting you with these bizarre lies and stories.
I hope you have your bank accounts, credit cards and valuables secured.
I’m glad you are healing well from your surgery and congratulations on surviving BC! If you ever get rid of this person, you will be able to say “I survived a Sociopath!”
Best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 194
Maddoc, I really don't mean this to be unkind but he does not love you. He is playing a very sick twisted game with you to keep you hanging on. Someone who loves you would not treat you this way. I think you need to take a long hard look at why any of this is appealing to you, once you figure that out then I think healing can begin. No one deserves this kind of treatment. Also, please do not risk bringing a child into this chaos, you would be signing an innocent up for misery. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but I really think you need to step back and look at this situation objectively.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
My therapist.....I admit, she was great as I broke away from my marriage. Dealing with M, I had hoped for a bit more? She basically tells me the same things I read here....that there aren't just red flags, there are flags on fire.....this man is toxic and I risk undoing all the good work I have done this past year. I need to value myself beyond feeling attractive for a man, etc. And I told her, YES, I KNOW that I need to do these things----what are the tools to actually do it? And then it drifts off to another topic.
He has reached out. Basically sayign how heartbroken he is....how much he will miss me. how really we could continue to be together. which my response was, WTF? YOU are heartbroken? YOU are the one doing this! YOU are the one who lied. But, it isn't all him...I share the blame as well. I think I always knew he hadn't really filed. And I figured I could ignore it and just deal with it when my divorce came through and he obviously was not any further in his process. he basically said he still wants to meet up for sex and I told him nope, I don't do that....and he said well then I need to block you because no one tells me no when I want to **** them. So I said fine. As my uncle once said (he is in recovery and actually works as a counselor at an in patient facility), "if you want to hook up with a middle aged alcoholic, it isn't hard, just go to any bar any night of the week."
He obviously didn't block me because I woke up to 4 missed facetime calls at 3 am.....SMH. So I will hit the block button myself.
You all have suggested great reading materials which I do want to check out. I think I just feel so overwhelmed by life right now----the divorce, work, my health...even without M in my world, it's like ok, add one more thing to the pile. But I will keep trying.....
He has reached out. Basically sayign how heartbroken he is....how much he will miss me. how really we could continue to be together. which my response was, WTF? YOU are heartbroken? YOU are the one doing this! YOU are the one who lied. But, it isn't all him...I share the blame as well. I think I always knew he hadn't really filed. And I figured I could ignore it and just deal with it when my divorce came through and he obviously was not any further in his process. he basically said he still wants to meet up for sex and I told him nope, I don't do that....and he said well then I need to block you because no one tells me no when I want to **** them. So I said fine. As my uncle once said (he is in recovery and actually works as a counselor at an in patient facility), "if you want to hook up with a middle aged alcoholic, it isn't hard, just go to any bar any night of the week."
He obviously didn't block me because I woke up to 4 missed facetime calls at 3 am.....SMH. So I will hit the block button myself.
You all have suggested great reading materials which I do want to check out. I think I just feel so overwhelmed by life right now----the divorce, work, my health...even without M in my world, it's like ok, add one more thing to the pile. But I will keep trying.....
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I would suggest that sometimes, when I asked my therapist for specific tools to make changes, it wasn't that she wasn't giving me any, it was that they didn't look like I thought they did, and they didn't work as quickly as I wanted them to. Therapy changes depending on what is happening. I, like you it sounds, started therapy during the end of my first marriage. I was in crisis mode. Every session felt important. But when you move out of crisis mode and into the long-term work of digging deep into how you got to that crisis in the first place, it doesn't always feel like things are happening. But they are. I was also still scared of changing, and letting go of the things that, while unhealthy and hurtful, were familiar and exciting. I was scared of becoming a person who preferred being alone to being with the wrong partner. I didn't know who I was unless I could define myself as someone else's wife or girlfriend, and I was scared of finding out.
Maybe just consider that the reading and this work in therapy is not just "one more thing" to add to the overwhelming feeling, but it is in fact the only way OUT of feeling overwhelmed.
Maybe just consider that the reading and this work in therapy is not just "one more thing" to add to the overwhelming feeling, but it is in fact the only way OUT of feeling overwhelmed.
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