FreeOwl

Hey all...

Today, a realization, an acceptance, must lead to a sharing with this family.

I allowed marijuana back in my life some months ago. It was never quite the negative impact to my life that alcohol was - but over many periods of my life it was also definitely problematic. For no particular reason last year, I partook of some marijuana a friend had. Not long after that, I got some myself. Not long after that, I continued to 'accept' it until it became a daily habit. And in recent months, after the death of my sister, starting a new business just before a pandemic, the economic uncertainty, the awfulness going on......

I have found myself behaving with regard to weed in very familiar ways;

• Smoking when I don't really want to - but do anyway
• Saying "f*** it" out loud when my inner self is trying to tell me "don't do this"
• Justifying / rationalizing my smoking
• Telling myself I won't smoke today - doing so anyway
• Feeling ill effects in my lungs - while a global respiratory pandemic spreads - and continuing to smoke anyway
• Putting off things that need to be done because I smoked and lost my motivation
• Seeing things pile up that need to be tended to.... quietly knowing to myself that in part it's because of my use of marijuana

I've leaned back on familiar logic: "well it's not AS BAD" as alcohol..... "I'll lay off it tomorrow......" "Just one more....." and even "Using this to cope helps keep me from using alcohol".

The truth is - I've not been regularly spending time here in a long time.
Haven't been to a meeting in forever
Allowed myself to drift, bit by bit, into addictive behavior with a substance

So, Today I head out into the week with a goal of being present, being focused, making progress, meeting life on life's terms, staying sober AND staying away from marijuana.

Thanks for being here, you guys.

biminiblue

I'm really so very sorry to read this, FreeOwl.

Throw everything at this. You know the drill. Please save your own life.

Resurgence

Hey @FreeOwl

I'm sorry to hear this.

I can relate 100%, and am currently battling addictions to both alcohol and weed.

Your first bullet point states that you smoke when you don't want to. While it's incredibly disheartening (to say the least!), there's some good in there, as a part of you doesn't want to.

By the end of my three years of daily smoking, I was beating myself up while stoned. I mean, this was my 'me time', my 'peaceful, insightful' moments, free from stress and worry. But now they'd be stolen from me by an incessant dissenting voice. I hated that voice, but it turned out to be my salvation.

I resisted it for a year or so, but when I surrendered to it, started embracing it, I began to make my way towards the light.

As cliche as this sounds - if I can do it, anyone can; and especially someone like you who's walked the path of recovery so valiantly (I've checked out your post history).

From dabbling with it to help me sleep, I became a complete servant to it, wrecking relationships, finances, and my mental health along the way.

I'll be 11 weeks sober clean from it this Wednesday. It's been a rough ride, but I know you have the minerals!

Kaily

I think when we are prone to addiction, any substance that gives us pleasure or relaxation can become an issue. In just the same way the solution is always to give it up. No moderation, no one more day or any kinda bargaining with your inner addict.

You've got this FreeOwl.

FreeOwl

Yep. I agree. And the other part of it is recognizing that addiction is something that has to do with our wiring. So, the way I see it, GIVE myself something to be addicted to.

Be addicted to exercise
Be addicted to love
Be addicted to meditation
Be addicted to helping people

I appreciate those that expressed being sorry or disappointed - but I'll reframe that.

I'm GLAD about this post and even about this situation I find myself in. Because it's a reminder, a wake-up, an important step in arresting this auto-pilot from becoming far, far worse (as we all know it can).

Part of that was taking this step to share where I'm at with all of you, with this supportive community, and to take an ACTION today in the right direction.

Sobriety, presence, living life fully requires action.

So - today I'm grateful to have taken the action of this post. The action of sharing these realizations and admissions with others who understand, and a tangible step in support of the life I cherish and wish to live.

Thanks all!

It'll be OK.

biminiblue

I didn't say "I'm sorry" out of pity, FO.

I really dislike pity. Pity is that addict's voice saying we're one up or one down.

When I was just newly sober from alcohol it irritated me no end when I felt like someone pitied me. A lady in AA said, "No. It's compassion."

We've all been there. My DOC was never pot, but I've had plenty of trouble with my other addictions. They are all out to kill my body, mind, and spirit.

Anna

I'm glad too that you're back and working on this FreeOwl. I hope you keep reading and posting.

SoberLeigh

FreeOwl, I am very happy that you came her to talk about this and seek support and help.

I think that all of us in recovery, despite our resolve and determination and recovery efforts, walk our recovery paths with a certain element of fear of a weak moment or situation that will send us back into our addictions. I don’t think that it is pity one feels when reading of a relapse but instead is a recognition of the vulnerability that, to some extent, we all feel. We ‘feel’ your situation in a real way.

Webwalk these paths ‘together’. Please stay close, FreeOwl; please lean on us. You have helped so many here: let us help you.

brighterday1234

Life on life’s terms without needing or even wanting a chemical crutch is the aim of recovery really. I find spirituality is what keeps me “topped-up” so that chemicals aren’t wanted. Meditation is a wonderful thing and gives me the peace of mind chemicals would only very temporarily bring and with no negative effects.

PuckLuck

Thanks for the post FreeOwl.

I too have played the marijuana game in the past. I always thought that if I just smoked pot I wouldn't have a desire to drink and it would keep me straight, because hey... I never got into trouble with weed, never lost a job, a friend, a partner, it made me laugh, it made me feel happy and took away my depression, people told me I was fun to be around while smoking.

Truth is it was just another way of escaping reality, which is my drug of choice. Escape. Doesn't matter what it is... Video games, music, movies, food, sports, you name it. I've never been comfortable being present and I'm trying to learn how to do just that. It's tough after conditioning myself to run off with substances and all these other things for so long. And the pot never worked btw. I ALWAYS went back to drinking. Happy to say I haven't smoked pot in, gosh... 4 years? Never really kept track of it, but it has been a long ass time. Funny how I could give that up so easily but drinking on the other hand... Whew!

january161992

great post and i relate to much of it

Hope you decide to go to Zoom meetings for now until the real ones open up and introduce yourself as a newcomer

ReadyAtLast

Good to see you back

Dee74

Hey Free Owl

pretty sure you know my story.
Destroyed my life on pot as much as I did after it with alcohol.

Weed was probably the hardest thing for me to give up cos everyone kept telling me how benign and natural it was.

I see now I had a pathological need to escape, a desire for oblivion, and a voracious appetite for whatever I could find to get me there.

Facing up to my problems and being the man I always wanted to be is better than any transitory chemical high.

I'm glad you've decided to fight this

D

saoutchik

Good to see you FreeOwl.

I understand what a awful time you have been through recently. Your AV of course couldn't care less, it just sees all those upsetting events as an opportunity to reintroduce for drinking, or in this instance smoking weed. Well done for grasping the nettle and posting about it and I'm sure you will get the measure of it as you did with alcohol.

You have supported many people on SR and you have their support and good wishes now. Mine too.

WeThinkNot

Reading this takes me back to the 2018 New Year when I had seven and a half months of sobriety. Weed was a very seldom thing for me, mainly at parties, because I didn't really like being high.

I'm hanging out with some friends getting ready for midnight and most people are having cocktails. One of the partygoers asked me if I wanted to smoke some pot since he knew I was "doing the whole sobriety thing". Since pot was never an addiction for me and because it felt weird being completely sober at a New Year Party I agreed.

I only took a few puffs, whatever strain it was actually made me quite mellow. This was a pleasant surprise since most of the time smoking made me paranoid. After midnight I started coming down from the effects and felt a deep wave of disappointment go over me. "Why the hell did I take those puffs?" I kept asking myself.

I thought about it for some time and realized that I was disappointed because I had worked too damn hard in my sobriety to just casually substitute alcohol with another drug. After so many years of my life just flushed down the toilet from drinking I was disrespecting myself by allowing another mind altering chemical into my body.

It was then that I realized sobriety is not "not drinking". Sobriety is living a life of self love, self care, and self respect.

I'm glad you identified this as a problem FreeOwl and are correcting it.

Zebra1275

For me, my problem was addiction to a chemically induced state that smoothed out life's problems (or so I thought). Marijuana was my preferred drug as an undergraduate in college. As I graduated and took on professional responsibilities in my career, and furthered my studies, marijuana had to go because it was illegal and would have caused significant complications in my profession.

So being a "smart guy" I quit smoking and instead doubled down on my alcohol use. It seemed like the perfect solution, I could still get numb, and my substance was socially and legally acceptable. For me, the drug changed but the underlying issues didn't.

Thrillhou

I disagree with the notion that weed isn't addictive. Maybe not physically but mentally it sure seems to be. I've seen numerous people dedicate their entire lives to it. They have no ambition. They have crappy jobs and they live in crappy apartments. I certainly am guilty of this too. I know a guy who smokes 24/7 pretty much and lives in an extremely messy house. Garbage all over the place. Doesn't care. Has numerous paraphernalia tickets and a DUI. He is so broke that he barely has any food in his house yet he spends hundreds on weed and bowls. And I bet he won't admit that weed is destroying his life.

PuckLuck

I've known people who are regular potheads who actually do quite well in life. I'm not condoning it, but to me it's whatever. Weed affects people differently. Just like alcohol does. I know when I smoked I enjoyed socializing a hell of a lot more and enjoyed doing things outside the house. I didn't just sit on couch for 12 hours eating ice cream. Although, I would graze at the refrigerator with the door wide open quite often.

Thrillhou

To be fair, some of the people I'm talking about weren't exactly destined for greatness even before weed. Lazy people who got bad grades. Weed probably made things worse though.

Resurgence

​​​I should have elucidated in my post, but I took a similar approach to what you're considering here:

• Be addicted to exercise
• Be addicted to love
• Be addicted to meditation
• Be addicted to helping people

I thought: I've had these addictive tenancies and compulsions with so many things (alcohol, weed, porn, drugs, sex etc.etc.), so I need to find a healthy activity that satisfies these urges.

I've found exercise and spirituality two good places to start. After meditating for a while, I started challenging my own self-limiting beliefs - I took a Zoom drawing class at the weekend, after telling myself for years and years: you cannot draw And guess what? I still can't, but it was sure as hell fun, and I'm going to keep trying

What's your next step FreeOwl?