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Join Date: Jun 2020
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Looking for more personalized advice?...
Hi everyone! This is my first post on this website and my first forum post since I was a young kid... I search many online self help articles and have purchased a book or two but I am feeling like I just need some insight from a real person! Hoping someone could point me in the right direction or maybe I just need to hear that I am not alone in my feelings. (Scrolling back up to this, I realize the post is pretty long but maybe the back story will help in some way?)
I have been with my boyfriend (ABF?) for 4 years. Admittedly, we met at a bar. I was 21 and he is 6 years older. We initially bonded over drinks and having fun but many other important things as well. He has every quality I could want in a man except for his continued alcohol abuse. We had some good fun and never got into trouble, what I thought was typical for our age. As time went on, we talked of marraige and children and the works. He quit smoking cigarettes in order to be a better life partner. But he drank every single day and this drinking continues to be a battle. Only at year 3.5 in the relationship could he manage to go 1 day without a drink. Then 3 days, then 7, but there were still many days that he passed out on the couch on a work night while I packed him a lunch and set his alarms. I do not have to explain how many times I had tried to address the issue. Those two "dry spells" were all he could manage before the Covid-19 crisis, during which he stocked up on some 25 bottles of hard liquor, insisting that society might collapse and he could trade liquor for whatever. I did not approve of this but could not do much. In the thick of it, we both drank too much but that ended when he got beligerent for a couple days straight, kicking me out of the house and smashing holes in the wall among other BS. After this, I hoped that one month (I requested a longer period, this was all he could promise) of sobriety would finally help him become the man he claims he wants to be, a hard worker who can enjoy a beer after work and the occasional party on a camping trip. NOPE. Week one he has already broken every promise he made during that month, I will spare you the details.
So, this is where I'm at:
I did not make any "rules" for him, he set the rules himself and I just tried to be positive and supportive of his goals. They have been forgotten, so I feel lied to and very frustrated that he breaks every promise he makes. I am blessed with a very non-addictive personality, so I did try to just drink responsibly along with him, trying to set a good example or something. That didnt matter, when I tried to slow him down or insist that we didnt need another drink I was ignored and he was stumbling around before I knew it. At this point, I am trying very hard not to fight with him about it like I used to. I am hoping that he will mellow out and start drinking responsibly. Somewhere deep down I feel that this is impossible. I try to be positive and remind him of how productive and kind he was when he was sober, but my patience is wearing very thin. He drunkenly broke up with me again just the other night but he is very good at apologizing and making up.
Finally, the damage this has done to me over time is sinking in. My self esteem is completely shattered. I have zero trust for him and find myself just waiting for his next broken promise. I do not feel generally attracted to him and sex is now uncomfortable for me. I would almost venture that I have something like PTSD when I see his eyes get red or hear his speech slipping- I have flashbacks of certain nights and experience a sudden wall shooting up with anger and disappointment. I am sure he recognizes this happening but even if I remain civil, the tension is there and I think this causes him to drink even more. Then I feel guilty of course for causing it. Even MORE guilty if I do slip up and say something negative. The bottom line is that I want so badly to have a life with this man but I am worried that I am falling out of love. We have so much in common, I feel that it would be a huge waste of our prime years if we cant fix our relationship now. He deserves the freedom to drink responsibly but is failing. His life view does NOT allow for rehab or counseling or anything like that, he HAS to get control on his own or else he will just be content to drink. If I stop drinking completely, will he be able to control himself better? Do I have to give up my freedom to help him live a normal life? Is that fair? Will I ever be able to overcome this distrust and fear for the future? What can make a person truly change on their own? How long will it take? Am I fooling and hurting myself?... Thanks for reading.
I have been with my boyfriend (ABF?) for 4 years. Admittedly, we met at a bar. I was 21 and he is 6 years older. We initially bonded over drinks and having fun but many other important things as well. He has every quality I could want in a man except for his continued alcohol abuse. We had some good fun and never got into trouble, what I thought was typical for our age. As time went on, we talked of marraige and children and the works. He quit smoking cigarettes in order to be a better life partner. But he drank every single day and this drinking continues to be a battle. Only at year 3.5 in the relationship could he manage to go 1 day without a drink. Then 3 days, then 7, but there were still many days that he passed out on the couch on a work night while I packed him a lunch and set his alarms. I do not have to explain how many times I had tried to address the issue. Those two "dry spells" were all he could manage before the Covid-19 crisis, during which he stocked up on some 25 bottles of hard liquor, insisting that society might collapse and he could trade liquor for whatever. I did not approve of this but could not do much. In the thick of it, we both drank too much but that ended when he got beligerent for a couple days straight, kicking me out of the house and smashing holes in the wall among other BS. After this, I hoped that one month (I requested a longer period, this was all he could promise) of sobriety would finally help him become the man he claims he wants to be, a hard worker who can enjoy a beer after work and the occasional party on a camping trip. NOPE. Week one he has already broken every promise he made during that month, I will spare you the details.
So, this is where I'm at:
I did not make any "rules" for him, he set the rules himself and I just tried to be positive and supportive of his goals. They have been forgotten, so I feel lied to and very frustrated that he breaks every promise he makes. I am blessed with a very non-addictive personality, so I did try to just drink responsibly along with him, trying to set a good example or something. That didnt matter, when I tried to slow him down or insist that we didnt need another drink I was ignored and he was stumbling around before I knew it. At this point, I am trying very hard not to fight with him about it like I used to. I am hoping that he will mellow out and start drinking responsibly. Somewhere deep down I feel that this is impossible. I try to be positive and remind him of how productive and kind he was when he was sober, but my patience is wearing very thin. He drunkenly broke up with me again just the other night but he is very good at apologizing and making up.
Finally, the damage this has done to me over time is sinking in. My self esteem is completely shattered. I have zero trust for him and find myself just waiting for his next broken promise. I do not feel generally attracted to him and sex is now uncomfortable for me. I would almost venture that I have something like PTSD when I see his eyes get red or hear his speech slipping- I have flashbacks of certain nights and experience a sudden wall shooting up with anger and disappointment. I am sure he recognizes this happening but even if I remain civil, the tension is there and I think this causes him to drink even more. Then I feel guilty of course for causing it. Even MORE guilty if I do slip up and say something negative. The bottom line is that I want so badly to have a life with this man but I am worried that I am falling out of love. We have so much in common, I feel that it would be a huge waste of our prime years if we cant fix our relationship now. He deserves the freedom to drink responsibly but is failing. His life view does NOT allow for rehab or counseling or anything like that, he HAS to get control on his own or else he will just be content to drink. If I stop drinking completely, will he be able to control himself better? Do I have to give up my freedom to help him live a normal life? Is that fair? Will I ever be able to overcome this distrust and fear for the future? What can make a person truly change on their own? How long will it take? Am I fooling and hurting myself?... Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Oh my friend, if we knew the answer to "What can make a person truly change on their own?" we'd all be billionaires.
I understand the feeling that your partner would be perfect "if only", but the fact is he is suffering from an addiction and that is central to who he is right now, who you can reasonably expect him to be for the foreseeable future (based on his insistence upon "getting control on his own"), and who he will continue to be while you wait for him to change.
The good news here is that someone in this relationship *is* driven to change and that is you. A shattered self-esteem and PTSD is no way to go through life. Whether you stay in this relationship or not, you must leave him to his issues and attend to your own--after all, the only person in this relationship who really seems to have a problem with his drinking is you. You can't change him, but you can work on yourself, on letting go of trying to control or help him, and building back your own sense of self-worth regardless of what he does or doesn't do. That will serve you better than trying to figure what you can do to encourage him to stop drinking, or what you might be doing to cause him to drink more (the answer to both of those things is nothing: he drinks because he is an alcoholic, and that has nothing to do with you).
I understand the feeling that your partner would be perfect "if only", but the fact is he is suffering from an addiction and that is central to who he is right now, who you can reasonably expect him to be for the foreseeable future (based on his insistence upon "getting control on his own"), and who he will continue to be while you wait for him to change.
The good news here is that someone in this relationship *is* driven to change and that is you. A shattered self-esteem and PTSD is no way to go through life. Whether you stay in this relationship or not, you must leave him to his issues and attend to your own--after all, the only person in this relationship who really seems to have a problem with his drinking is you. You can't change him, but you can work on yourself, on letting go of trying to control or help him, and building back your own sense of self-worth regardless of what he does or doesn't do. That will serve you better than trying to figure what you can do to encourage him to stop drinking, or what you might be doing to cause him to drink more (the answer to both of those things is nothing: he drinks because he is an alcoholic, and that has nothing to do with you).
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
gonefishin------one of the first things that we extend to new posters, here, is about the 3 Cs---You didn't Cause it----You can't Cure it---and, you can't Control it.
You sound like so many members who come here, just exhausted by turning themselves into a pretzel trying to bring about change in their partner's drinking.
I can tell that you have read some self help articles and a bit of other reading, by some of the things you have said. And, that is good, I think, because it shows motivation on your part and that, at least, you are uncomfortable with the current situation. These are some key elements for change to occur. Change jn your own life plan. You are right, that these are your "prime years". Years that you will want to look back on with the precious memories of the fun that you had, and the adventures and the new experiences that you enjoyed. This is a great time in any person's life for self development and self exploration.
One of the things that I believe that a person who is involved with an alcoholic needs to know is this----Most of the "rules" that we are taught about how to be in relationships---rules that we learn at home, and in school, and in church, and in the media, and in the culture, in general----are all turned topsy-turvy by two things---addiction and abuse. Those two things are deal busters for any kind of healthy relationship. The usual rules work pretty well for Healthy Relationships, because that is what they are designed for. But, many of them just make the situation of a relationship with addiction, worse.
I realize t hat this may be sooo counter0intuitive,for you, right now.
One of the major things that you said, that made me think that the future of this relationship, alcoholism wise, is grim-----You said that his world view did not allow for any rehab or counseling or anything of that nature. You said that he insists that he had to "do it on his own". Rather than type any more words about my grim view on this matter, I am giving you the following link to an article that is from our forum's extensive library of articles. I have spent several years working with alcoholics who were reaching for sobriety, and I consider this article to be a good measuring stick. I hope that you will read it.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
LOL----I think that this is quite a lot for you to wrap your head, around, just now. and, my fingers are getting tired---lol-----but, I will write more for you, in another post, on this thread. There is sooo much to learn!
You sound like so many members who come here, just exhausted by turning themselves into a pretzel trying to bring about change in their partner's drinking.
I can tell that you have read some self help articles and a bit of other reading, by some of the things you have said. And, that is good, I think, because it shows motivation on your part and that, at least, you are uncomfortable with the current situation. These are some key elements for change to occur. Change jn your own life plan. You are right, that these are your "prime years". Years that you will want to look back on with the precious memories of the fun that you had, and the adventures and the new experiences that you enjoyed. This is a great time in any person's life for self development and self exploration.
One of the things that I believe that a person who is involved with an alcoholic needs to know is this----Most of the "rules" that we are taught about how to be in relationships---rules that we learn at home, and in school, and in church, and in the media, and in the culture, in general----are all turned topsy-turvy by two things---addiction and abuse. Those two things are deal busters for any kind of healthy relationship. The usual rules work pretty well for Healthy Relationships, because that is what they are designed for. But, many of them just make the situation of a relationship with addiction, worse.
I realize t hat this may be sooo counter0intuitive,for you, right now.
One of the major things that you said, that made me think that the future of this relationship, alcoholism wise, is grim-----You said that his world view did not allow for any rehab or counseling or anything of that nature. You said that he insists that he had to "do it on his own". Rather than type any more words about my grim view on this matter, I am giving you the following link to an article that is from our forum's extensive library of articles. I have spent several years working with alcoholics who were reaching for sobriety, and I consider this article to be a good measuring stick. I hope that you will read it.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
LOL----I think that this is quite a lot for you to wrap your head, around, just now. and, my fingers are getting tired---lol-----but, I will write more for you, in another post, on this thread. There is sooo much to learn!
Living in the moment
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 167
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're here.
If you step away a bit, breathe deeply a bunch of times and then read with new eyes what you just wrote, with the focus only on this man's behaviors,
How does that line up with the spectacular life you were born to have?
Awareness.
Acceptance.
Action comes later. This is a journey of allowing what we really want to shake out. Trauma bonding is a real thing and can feel like stuff that may easily be misinterpreted as love.
If you step away a bit, breathe deeply a bunch of times and then read with new eyes what you just wrote, with the focus only on this man's behaviors,
How does that line up with the spectacular life you were born to have?
Awareness.
Acceptance.
Action comes later. This is a journey of allowing what we really want to shake out. Trauma bonding is a real thing and can feel like stuff that may easily be misinterpreted as love.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Originally Posted by nikegoddess112 
If you step away a bit, breathe deeply a bunch of times and then read with new eyes what you just wrote, with the focus only on this man's behaviors,
How does that line up with the spectacular life you were born to have?
Awareness.
Acceptance.
Action comes later. This is a journey of allowing what we really want to shake out. Trauma bonding is a real thing and can feel like stuff that may easily be misinterpreted as love.
How does that line up with the spectacular life you were born to have?
Awareness.
Acceptance.
Action comes later. This is a journey of allowing what we really want to shake out. Trauma bonding is a real thing and can feel like stuff that may easily be misinterpreted as love.
What can make a person truly change on their own? How long will it take?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
So far you have trust issues, intimacy issues and a drinking problem on your hands. That is a lot to go through. A true partnership is not this so unless he wants to fix himself, there isn't much you can do but sit on the sidelines and let him control the relationship as it sounds like he is doing that already as you walk on eggshells. You do have a choice. Something you wrote is concerning that he punches holes through walls, my XAH did as well and it terrified me because drunk people do not think clearly. I was terrified so terrified at times I would stand by the door and if he came after me I was ready to run outside and scream and hope the neighbors would do something. I did stay much longer than I should and my self esteem suffered which is why I usually advocate leaving. You don’t need to put up with this, you have the choice to leave.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Originally Posted by gonefishin9
If I stop drinking completely, will he be able to control himself better? Do I have to give up my freedom to help him live a normal life? Is that fair? Will I ever be able to overcome this distrust and fear for the future? What can make a person truly change on their own? How long will it take? Am I fooling and hurting myself?... Thanks for reading.
The way to overcome distrust is to have the person show you their trustworthiness true? He's not doing that. There is no way for you to overcome this, that ball is well and truly in his court.
What can a person change on their own, pretty much anything. That said, if it is something difficult, like addiction, a person generally needs tools to do that. Addiction in particular, any kind, is a beast to overcome and doing it with no support (professional, AA etc) is a pretty big mountain to climb. You have seen his attempts, I think you already have your answer on that really.
Are you fooling yourself, I don't know, how do these replies sound to you. Are you hurting yourself? Probably.
He doesn't sound like he really has a problem with his drinking per-se, but you do. The only person that can change anything about that, that you are in control of, is you. You either accept his drinking or you don't. You can't "fix" him.
I know that's kind of a sad thing to hear, but overcoming addiction takes a huge commitment from the addict, that's not something that can be, generally, cajoled or forced by someone on the outside. That's up to him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 446
Welcome GF9. All indications are that your boyfriend does have a drinking problem. You mentioned that ‘only after 3.5 years can he sometimes go 1 day without a drink’. Unfortunately things don’t work this way - moderation is next to impossible and if you read the newcomers or alcoholics thread on here, you’ll find it littered with stories of people that tried and failed miserably.
The only way out would be to stop drinking, but it doesn’t sound like he is ready to do that. And by the way, as others have already mentioned this has NOTHING to do with you. When I was drinking, there was no girlfriend/wife in the world that would have been able to stop me. I used to laugh at them and wondered what their problem was. Because I certainly did not feel I had one. I would never, ever have stopped - until my health issues finally caught up with me. Now, of course, being on the other side, I look back and wonder what the hell I was doing letting alcohol run my life and making life difficult for other people.
Nike has beautifully laid out the next steps: awareness and acceptance. And then, later on, you will take action: you’ll leave or you’ll stay, your choice. Just don’t think he will change unless something really drastic happens. Odds are that if you stay things will stay the way they are now.
Please stay here and listen to the stories that have happened or are just unfolding. You’ll learn a lot and I am sure at some stage you’ll know what to do.
The only way out would be to stop drinking, but it doesn’t sound like he is ready to do that. And by the way, as others have already mentioned this has NOTHING to do with you. When I was drinking, there was no girlfriend/wife in the world that would have been able to stop me. I used to laugh at them and wondered what their problem was. Because I certainly did not feel I had one. I would never, ever have stopped - until my health issues finally caught up with me. Now, of course, being on the other side, I look back and wonder what the hell I was doing letting alcohol run my life and making life difficult for other people.
Nike has beautifully laid out the next steps: awareness and acceptance. And then, later on, you will take action: you’ll leave or you’ll stay, your choice. Just don’t think he will change unless something really drastic happens. Odds are that if you stay things will stay the way they are now.
Please stay here and listen to the stories that have happened or are just unfolding. You’ll learn a lot and I am sure at some stage you’ll know what to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 18
WOW,
What a wonderful, wonderful supportive community you all are. Thank you all for taking the time to read and give me some thoughtful responses. I could engage with everyone for many pages but as I read more and more on this forum, I realize that my situation is not ultra unique and really "not that bad." Some of these stories are heartbreaking. Yet, if I were to go into some of the worst details, I could probably break hearts too.
From many of you- I really appreciate the advice to take care of myself. I know this to be true, but you know this to be easier said than done. Constant relationship issues are exhausting. But I do truly value the relationship. Am I wrong in thinking that "fixing" this issue WOULD be a way of taking care of myself? "If only" my partner and I could enjoy each other again, my life would very much improve? Those are rhetorical questions, I just need more practice with personal boundaries. I took a couple of hours to sit by the river with my dog and read the bible today. My partner called with a nice apology, but when I came home, he was drunk and trying to have a meaningful conversation with me about his past, present, and future. I wish I had read Dandylion's suggested article BEFORE I believed him when he said he finally realizes his problem and wants to quit for good. He fits many of the descriptions of being in denial and full of s***.
Which brings me to my next huge worry and slew of unanswerable questions... Am I destined to live like some of the other stories I have read today? Married with children, on the edge of divorce, afraid of being attacked? Thank goodness we have not experienced physical violence. Yet?
A couple of you mentioned that I am the only one who has a problem with his drinking. I do not know how to process this. He insists that he wants to change, wants to live a long time, be a good role model and father, you name it. I would have ended the relationship by now if I did not have faith that he really means those things. He is a very talented man but lately has let that get to his head, telling me occasionally that he drinks to "dumb himself down" and "fit in" with all the "idiots" around him. HOW HURTFUL, RIGHT?!?.... but I tell myself this is just the alcohol talking and not really him. I make him agree that he doesn't consider me an idiot, then try to say something to make him realize his flawed thinking, but who knows what he is listening to or not in that state.
FINALLY a question that I would like answered: Is moderation possible?! Ever? I hate to see him "lose" to alcohol, but is the only solution to stop drinking forever? I think this may be possible, even on his own. Yet I am afraid that in 10 years we could be right back to square one. I would like a lasting solution. It is up to him, and I don't trust him right now. Typical I guess.
I just want to thank you all again. So good to have support when it is not comfortable to find among close friends and family.
What a wonderful, wonderful supportive community you all are. Thank you all for taking the time to read and give me some thoughtful responses. I could engage with everyone for many pages but as I read more and more on this forum, I realize that my situation is not ultra unique and really "not that bad." Some of these stories are heartbreaking. Yet, if I were to go into some of the worst details, I could probably break hearts too.
From many of you- I really appreciate the advice to take care of myself. I know this to be true, but you know this to be easier said than done. Constant relationship issues are exhausting. But I do truly value the relationship. Am I wrong in thinking that "fixing" this issue WOULD be a way of taking care of myself? "If only" my partner and I could enjoy each other again, my life would very much improve? Those are rhetorical questions, I just need more practice with personal boundaries. I took a couple of hours to sit by the river with my dog and read the bible today. My partner called with a nice apology, but when I came home, he was drunk and trying to have a meaningful conversation with me about his past, present, and future. I wish I had read Dandylion's suggested article BEFORE I believed him when he said he finally realizes his problem and wants to quit for good. He fits many of the descriptions of being in denial and full of s***.
Which brings me to my next huge worry and slew of unanswerable questions... Am I destined to live like some of the other stories I have read today? Married with children, on the edge of divorce, afraid of being attacked? Thank goodness we have not experienced physical violence. Yet?
A couple of you mentioned that I am the only one who has a problem with his drinking. I do not know how to process this. He insists that he wants to change, wants to live a long time, be a good role model and father, you name it. I would have ended the relationship by now if I did not have faith that he really means those things. He is a very talented man but lately has let that get to his head, telling me occasionally that he drinks to "dumb himself down" and "fit in" with all the "idiots" around him. HOW HURTFUL, RIGHT?!?.... but I tell myself this is just the alcohol talking and not really him. I make him agree that he doesn't consider me an idiot, then try to say something to make him realize his flawed thinking, but who knows what he is listening to or not in that state.
FINALLY a question that I would like answered: Is moderation possible?! Ever? I hate to see him "lose" to alcohol, but is the only solution to stop drinking forever? I think this may be possible, even on his own. Yet I am afraid that in 10 years we could be right back to square one. I would like a lasting solution. It is up to him, and I don't trust him right now. Typical I guess.
I just want to thank you all again. So good to have support when it is not comfortable to find among close friends and family.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
No, moderation for an alcoholic is not possible, it just never works. The addiction never goes away, once addicted to alcohol a person will always be. That doesn't mean they can't stop, maybe even moderate for a short time (a week, a month) but longer term, no.
You might find this thread in the Newcomers to Recovery forum really relatable:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oderation.html (My guide to moderation)
Basically, you are concerned. You want him to live a long and healthy life, you mention wanting to have children. He may actually want all those things too, but he is an alcoholic so that path is not his path right now. What has he done? Checked in to rehab? Gone to 90 AA meetings in 90 days? Attended addiction counselling? Found a therapist or psychiatrist familiar with addiction? No, he has said he wants to quit and not followed through on that path at all, except to say he will do it on his own. Ok, let's take that at face value. Has he done that? No.
One thing that is said here often Actions not Words. His actions (or lack of them) do not match his words. Have you ever needed to lose 10 lbs? Said OMG I need to lose this 10 lbs and then proceeded to do nothing about it except say, I need to lose this weight! It's not a great analogy but you get the idea. He is either going to do it or not and right now it's pretty much not.
Also keep in mind, if he decided to get clean tomorrow and go to rehab, that doesn't mean he leaves rehab a "new" sober man. There is a reason he drinks (possibly a coping mechanism), take that away and what do you have? He no doubt has other issues to deal with, recovery takes time and lots of it, a couple of years to get to a healthier place is reasonable.
As for having children, alcoholics don't make good parents so you will want to think long and hard about that one.
Your situation sounds pretty serious, to be honest, from the outside. As you read the forum stories remember many couples didn't start out where they are now, 5-10-20 years down the road, alcoholism is progressive.
You might find this thread in the Newcomers to Recovery forum really relatable:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oderation.html (My guide to moderation)
A couple of you mentioned that I am the only one who has a problem with his drinking. I do not know how to process this.
One thing that is said here often Actions not Words. His actions (or lack of them) do not match his words. Have you ever needed to lose 10 lbs? Said OMG I need to lose this 10 lbs and then proceeded to do nothing about it except say, I need to lose this weight! It's not a great analogy but you get the idea. He is either going to do it or not and right now it's pretty much not.
Also keep in mind, if he decided to get clean tomorrow and go to rehab, that doesn't mean he leaves rehab a "new" sober man. There is a reason he drinks (possibly a coping mechanism), take that away and what do you have? He no doubt has other issues to deal with, recovery takes time and lots of it, a couple of years to get to a healthier place is reasonable.
As for having children, alcoholics don't make good parents so you will want to think long and hard about that one.
Your situation sounds pretty serious, to be honest, from the outside. As you read the forum stories remember many couples didn't start out where they are now, 5-10-20 years down the road, alcoholism is progressive.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 195
Hi GF and welcome. I am sorry you are where you are right now with your BF, I know how really difficult it is. As many others have said here words really don't mean much, my AH has been saying for at least 10 years that he intends to drink less, that he really wants to cut back and/or stop. The truth is he really doesn't want to stop, he wants to be a social drinker and because he is an alcoholic that is not an option. Your BF's comment about needing to drink to dumb himself down is nothing more than trying to justify his drinking. I wish I had accepted early on in our relationship the reality of the situation, I thought he would change, I could talk some sense into him, if I just ignored it all would be ok. The truth is I have absolutely zero power or control over his drinking and he will probably never quit. Learn as much as you can and move forward with your eyes wide open.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
gonefishin----I will, also, chime in with the others, to assure you that an alcoholic can never do controlled drinking. Once a person has crossed the line into alcoholism, it is for a lifetime. There is no "cure". It can be put into remission---by diligently working a program of abstainence----and, living by the principles of that program for the rest of their lives. It amounts to learning a new way to live life---a major lifestyle change.
One thing that stand out to me, by the questions that you ask---is, that, you have no knowledge about alcoholism and the nature of it and the natural course of it. that is not to be taken as a criticism of you----because almost no one knows unless they have had a special reason to become educated about it. Even health care professionals don't know much, unless they have had special training. It would be so beneficial if you would educate yourself about alcoholism-----learn everything you can about it. Not so you can change him, because you can't---but, so that you will know what you are up against.
I recommend that you get the most recommended book, on this forum---"Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read, and I think that a lot of it will resonate with you. You can probably read it in a couple of days.
I am going to make another suggestion, to you---woman to woman----do not become pregnant. If you think that life is difficult now----it becomes a hundred times more difficult, once you bring a new life into the alcoholic mix. It is not a favor to give a child an alcoholic father, if it can be avoided.
As of right now---you have given 1/2 of your twenties to focusing on an alcoholic relationship----I really, really hope that you will not give over the last half of your twenties to a relationship where you don't actually thrive----but, just hang on to just exist. \
If you are interested in learning more----I am giving you the following link to our great library. You can find our library of over 100 articles, written by those who have walked in your shoes. enough for you to digest one article every day. There is soooo much to learn. (this library is actually contained in the sticky section---just above the threads on the main page).
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
One thing that stand out to me, by the questions that you ask---is, that, you have no knowledge about alcoholism and the nature of it and the natural course of it. that is not to be taken as a criticism of you----because almost no one knows unless they have had a special reason to become educated about it. Even health care professionals don't know much, unless they have had special training. It would be so beneficial if you would educate yourself about alcoholism-----learn everything you can about it. Not so you can change him, because you can't---but, so that you will know what you are up against.
I recommend that you get the most recommended book, on this forum---"Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read, and I think that a lot of it will resonate with you. You can probably read it in a couple of days.
I am going to make another suggestion, to you---woman to woman----do not become pregnant. If you think that life is difficult now----it becomes a hundred times more difficult, once you bring a new life into the alcoholic mix. It is not a favor to give a child an alcoholic father, if it can be avoided.
As of right now---you have given 1/2 of your twenties to focusing on an alcoholic relationship----I really, really hope that you will not give over the last half of your twenties to a relationship where you don't actually thrive----but, just hang on to just exist. \
If you are interested in learning more----I am giving you the following link to our great library. You can find our library of over 100 articles, written by those who have walked in your shoes. enough for you to digest one article every day. There is soooo much to learn. (this library is actually contained in the sticky section---just above the threads on the main page).
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Hi GF9, you seem pretty bright, and realize that the foundation of a healthy
relationship is based on respect, trust, love, and security, or a feeling of
being safe with someone. You are experiencing how addiction destroys all
these things, and we are not capable of making a relationship healthy all
by ourselves. We can't love someone into getting sober and if we could,
this forum and many organizations/rehabs etc. around the world
would not exist.
You can waste many years of your precious youth deceiving yourself
by thinking you can "fix" someone else. It is a much better path for you
to find out why you are staying in a relationship that is harming you.
Glad you found SR, lots of good info and wisdom here.
relationship is based on respect, trust, love, and security, or a feeling of
being safe with someone. You are experiencing how addiction destroys all
these things, and we are not capable of making a relationship healthy all
by ourselves. We can't love someone into getting sober and if we could,
this forum and many organizations/rehabs etc. around the world
would not exist.
You can waste many years of your precious youth deceiving yourself
by thinking you can "fix" someone else. It is a much better path for you
to find out why you are staying in a relationship that is harming you.
Glad you found SR, lots of good info and wisdom here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Hi GF9, Sorry for what brings you here but I am glad you found us.
If I could, I'd like to put my hands on your shoulders and stop you from spinning! I can read how swirling your thoughts are right now. I can remember how that felt. It's very exhausting. The truth of the matter is you will never be able to figure out why he is behaving the way he does. Alcoholics don't make sense, it's the nature of the disease. He is doing what alcoholics do, and saying what alcoholics say.
My alcoholic ex husband used to say all those same kind of things about wanting to change his ways. I even think he meant it sometimes. The problem was he never took the time and hard work to really figure out where his addiction stemmed from and work towards sorting it out, so every "attempt" at sobriety failed.
When I was your age, I was married with a small child and another on the way. I am a cautionary tale. I am one who spent my youthful years married to and raising a family with an alcoholic. It wasn't good for me, it wasn't good for our kids, and it wasn't good for him either. That isn't to say he was physically abusive, he was not, but a drunk partner is a checked out mate and parent. He loved us, but he was a slave to his addiction. By the time I turned 40 and had two teenagers my life was out of control. My codependency had reached epic proportions, I'd developed a raging anxiety disorder and insomnia. I was having multiple panic attacks daily and had to be medicated for it just to function like a zombie. It was awful. To get healthy I finally decided at 42 to end our 26yr relationship. It was an overwhelming and grievous situation for our entire family, but I had to do it for my own health and sanity.
Don't be like me. Don't set yourself up for what I went through. You can't "fix" him but you can make choices for yourself that will lead to a happy and fulfilling life, tying yourself to an alcoholic will not provide that. I spent years believing if he really loved me he would stop drinking, that's a false thought. His drinking was not about me and it was not "at" me... he drank because he was an alcoholic. Nothing I said or did could change that. No amount of love between us could fix it. It isn't about love, it's about addiction. It's an awful, awful thing to endure, both for them and for us.
I wish for you clarity and strength while you make your next few life choices.
If I could, I'd like to put my hands on your shoulders and stop you from spinning! I can read how swirling your thoughts are right now. I can remember how that felt. It's very exhausting. The truth of the matter is you will never be able to figure out why he is behaving the way he does. Alcoholics don't make sense, it's the nature of the disease. He is doing what alcoholics do, and saying what alcoholics say.
My alcoholic ex husband used to say all those same kind of things about wanting to change his ways. I even think he meant it sometimes. The problem was he never took the time and hard work to really figure out where his addiction stemmed from and work towards sorting it out, so every "attempt" at sobriety failed.
When I was your age, I was married with a small child and another on the way. I am a cautionary tale. I am one who spent my youthful years married to and raising a family with an alcoholic. It wasn't good for me, it wasn't good for our kids, and it wasn't good for him either. That isn't to say he was physically abusive, he was not, but a drunk partner is a checked out mate and parent. He loved us, but he was a slave to his addiction. By the time I turned 40 and had two teenagers my life was out of control. My codependency had reached epic proportions, I'd developed a raging anxiety disorder and insomnia. I was having multiple panic attacks daily and had to be medicated for it just to function like a zombie. It was awful. To get healthy I finally decided at 42 to end our 26yr relationship. It was an overwhelming and grievous situation for our entire family, but I had to do it for my own health and sanity.
Don't be like me. Don't set yourself up for what I went through. You can't "fix" him but you can make choices for yourself that will lead to a happy and fulfilling life, tying yourself to an alcoholic will not provide that. I spent years believing if he really loved me he would stop drinking, that's a false thought. His drinking was not about me and it was not "at" me... he drank because he was an alcoholic. Nothing I said or did could change that. No amount of love between us could fix it. It isn't about love, it's about addiction. It's an awful, awful thing to endure, both for them and for us.
I wish for you clarity and strength while you make your next few life choices.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 18
Good news?
He has decided to quit again! I am not sure if I made it clear but he actually did complete one month of sobriety before the mentioned week of broken promises. During that month, he promised that if his moderate drinking did not work then he would quit again. The details are vague... after he spent all of last night puking up water he seemed to think that another month "at least" is a good starting point... and many other little rules that I asked him to stop making before he did more research.
I really do have hope for him and would hate to abandon him... he tells me that he could never do it without me and I'm the best thing that has happened to him and he will do anything. So that all sounds nice but I know that I need to proceed with caution and work on the strategies to help with my own codependency. Wish us luck.
He has decided to quit again! I am not sure if I made it clear but he actually did complete one month of sobriety before the mentioned week of broken promises. During that month, he promised that if his moderate drinking did not work then he would quit again. The details are vague... after he spent all of last night puking up water he seemed to think that another month "at least" is a good starting point... and many other little rules that I asked him to stop making before he did more research.
I really do have hope for him and would hate to abandon him... he tells me that he could never do it without me and I'm the best thing that has happened to him and he will do anything. So that all sounds nice but I know that I need to proceed with caution and work on the strategies to help with my own codependency. Wish us luck.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 446
While I absolutely wish you luck, forewarned is forearmed, so here goes:
a) one month sober is a good start, but still does not mean anything. It takes 3-6 months at least to ‘get out of the fog’ and for the person in recovery to actually start seeing clearly and hopefully redouble his/her efforts to get out of this mess. After one year you can start getting your hopes up, after two years you can cautiously breathe a sigh of relief - in one month I’ll be 3 years in, trust me, I know what I’m talking about.
b) moderation does not come into the picture. Even one drink restarts the clock.
c) if you hear after one month ‘I am healed now, I can drink socially’ you can consider the effort failed.
Sorry if this all sounds very harsh, but this does not only reflect my own experience, but the combined experience of hundreds and hundreds of stories on the SR newcomers section. So yes, go ahead and give it another try, but stay alert for any red flags and make sure you don’t get hurt even more. Protect yourself and learn as much about this disease as you can. Happy to answer any questions you might have!
a) one month sober is a good start, but still does not mean anything. It takes 3-6 months at least to ‘get out of the fog’ and for the person in recovery to actually start seeing clearly and hopefully redouble his/her efforts to get out of this mess. After one year you can start getting your hopes up, after two years you can cautiously breathe a sigh of relief - in one month I’ll be 3 years in, trust me, I know what I’m talking about.
b) moderation does not come into the picture. Even one drink restarts the clock.
c) if you hear after one month ‘I am healed now, I can drink socially’ you can consider the effort failed.
Sorry if this all sounds very harsh, but this does not only reflect my own experience, but the combined experience of hundreds and hundreds of stories on the SR newcomers section. So yes, go ahead and give it another try, but stay alert for any red flags and make sure you don’t get hurt even more. Protect yourself and learn as much about this disease as you can. Happy to answer any questions you might have!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
gonefishin------if he "will do anything"-----will he attend AA and see an alcoholism counselor?
I must say that his statements of "you are the best t hing that ever happened to me/ I can't do it alone/I will do anything" are classic----sounds like straight out of the alcoholism handbook.
Meanwhile, I think that this is a good time t o be reading those 100 articles from our library (the link that I gave you).
I must say that his statements of "you are the best t hing that ever happened to me/ I can't do it alone/I will do anything" are classic----sounds like straight out of the alcoholism handbook.
Meanwhile, I think that this is a good time t o be reading those 100 articles from our library (the link that I gave you).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 18
Thanks again guys for keeping up with this. As I read other posts and your replies I am sure it can be frustrating explaining the same things to people over and over again. I know my last post sounded naive, but the situation is still unfolding.. I am definitely taking your advice and reading all that I can. It is a little disheartening though.. to be told over and over that moderation or social drinking is impossible. Im feeling hopeless and unsupportive, putting a guard up to everything positive he says. My BF seems so sincere, I wish he could just be the exception, you know. He is a very strong person with a unique worldview, I want to believe in him and allow for a normal situation. I want us both to have the satiafaction of overcoming this together. If it matters, he has agreed that if continued attempts at moderation fail he will "do anything" (abstain forever is implied) for our relationship. Ive got to go to bed but I will sleep on this.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
gonefishing-----I am glad to hear that you keep reading the thinking over the situation. I hope that the most recommended book, on this forum----"Co-dependent No More", is on your list. I know that a lot of it will resonate with you---and, it is an easy read.
The things that you want for the relationship are the same kinds of things that are pretty normal for a person to want our of a relationship that they have invested themselves into.
Here is the sticky wicket, as I have observed it, over many years of seeing people in alcoholic relationships. The "rules" that are usually applied to normal relationships are turned upside down in relationships where addiction or abuse is a dynamic. So much of what the non-addicted partner is required to do, to protect their own interests feels very counter-intuitive.
I have learned, for myself, during my life, thus far, is that. while I have wanted some things---but, just because I have wanted them, doesn't necessarily mean that was the way that it turned out.
I have found out, that, in relationships, sometimes, there is a major reality that raises it's head and changes the direction of the whole thing. Even with the most attractive of partners.
Contnue to learn. Knowledge is power.
My suggestion to you is to, at this point, to just step back from his whole drinking issue and plan of moderate drinking----while, in the meantime, you are embarking on your own self exploration and education about alcoholism and the effects on the family and loved ones. He is going to do what he really wants to do, anyway. Let his drinking decisions be on his side of the street---and your welfare and best interests on your side of the street. Over time----you will be able to see his actual actions---not what he says.
The things that you want for the relationship are the same kinds of things that are pretty normal for a person to want our of a relationship that they have invested themselves into.
Here is the sticky wicket, as I have observed it, over many years of seeing people in alcoholic relationships. The "rules" that are usually applied to normal relationships are turned upside down in relationships where addiction or abuse is a dynamic. So much of what the non-addicted partner is required to do, to protect their own interests feels very counter-intuitive.
I have learned, for myself, during my life, thus far, is that. while I have wanted some things---but, just because I have wanted them, doesn't necessarily mean that was the way that it turned out.
I have found out, that, in relationships, sometimes, there is a major reality that raises it's head and changes the direction of the whole thing. Even with the most attractive of partners.
Contnue to learn. Knowledge is power.
My suggestion to you is to, at this point, to just step back from his whole drinking issue and plan of moderate drinking----while, in the meantime, you are embarking on your own self exploration and education about alcoholism and the effects on the family and loved ones. He is going to do what he really wants to do, anyway. Let his drinking decisions be on his side of the street---and your welfare and best interests on your side of the street. Over time----you will be able to see his actual actions---not what he says.
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