Invisible1women

Hello, after reaching out to you guys and with your very helpful guidance, I decided I would set boundaries, one being no alcohol in the house.....I spoke with my partner on saturday and said I know hes an addict weather he likes to admit it or not, I'm I'm struggling to keep us together so I have even reached out to a support group, he tried to say hes not addicted but he just do it out of habit.....1,isn't that part of being an addict? Hes has also asked if he can drink up to 5 cans on Friday and 5 on Saturday and no more....hes never stuck to this by the way....as it was already Saturday I agreed to let him but said as of sunday if you get drink I'm setting boundaries and that means no more alchol in the house or your out he said ok, I pop out on sunday just for an hour as i took my mum some shopping round as she a vulnerable person, I got home after 40 minutes with 2 empty cans in the bin and one in front of him...when confronted he said its sunday it's part of the weekend......fully knowing that isn't what we agreed, he said it was hes last one anyway so he wont have no more I said if you do I'll have to put boundaries into place tomorrow....I went to bed early last night got up this morning....with 2 more empty cans in the living room 1 empty can on the side in the kitchen and now I have found a stash of 4 more can on the top of my tall freezer right at the back where I cant see them, i only noticed them as i climbed onto my counter top to reach something from the top cupboard..(I'm short lol) so here comes all the lies and hiding things from me again, I'm going to put the boundaries into place today as I have had enough of lies and broken promises but I'm so scared he Carrie's on and I have to kick him out, someone help give me strength please xx

Bubovski

Boundaries may help let him know you mean business.
After five cans alcoholics usually want more.
Good people can become quite distorted by less than that in fact
Any inner problems he may be trying to overcome with beer?
A.A can help some problem drinkers and also their partners-

Dee74

Hi InvisibleWoman

like I said before you have to stick to the boundaries you set down, and you have to be prepared to follow through and ask him to leave if he doesn't keep to the agreement you both hashed out.

Its going to be tough - but there's always support here

D

doggonecarl

If you haven't already, I hope you'll visit the friends and family section of our forum.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

Lots of folks who have been right where you are now.

D122y

I am learning here that addiction is complicated but yet straight forward.

Emotions can be complicated. Solving the problems needs to be straight forward.

You are trying to give straight forward solutions and your addict is complicating them.

There is a reasonable chance there is a bottle or more of hard booze somewhere in the house. I kept mine in my man cave and usually had some more in the garage.

Beer didn't get the job done. It was more of a way to slow down my buzz.

Anything more than 14 units a week or 3 in a day is a drinking problem.

My, and everyone's addiction, lies in the damage drugs (booze) do to the brain. The drugs alter brain chemistry and in time become the only way a person can "relax." But, the problem is the main reason a person feels "worked up" is because of the damage caused by the booze.

You can't stop your addict. He will only stop when he is ready. Quitting is extremely hard and most people can't do it unless they have some serious "internal" reasons to quit. If a person doesn't want to quit, they will......

never never never ever ever ever quit.

My wife just started ignoring me, for the most part, when I drank. She let me drink my brains out.

She probably figured I would eventually drink myself to death or worse.

It worked, I eventually drank long and hard enough that I wanted to quit because I started having serious mental and physical issues that scared me straight.

Thanks.

fini

you know, IW, boundaries are about ourselves. about what we will accept or not accept.
they are quite different from rules that we/you attempt to set for others, or expectations we expect them to fulfill.
these expectations and rules you are negotiating are putting you in an enforcer kind of role, in a parent-kind of way where he is accountable to you, and as you see, he is breaking "the rules".
your real control is in setting your own boundary, i.e. this is my line, about me and my space, past which i will not allow you or anyone to intrude.in this way, it is quite different from rules about what he should do or not, and then being in a policing position to see if he complied.

you have the strength inside you already, and it's great you are connecting here for support. the Family and Friends forum that Carl posted a link to has lots of folk who have been where you are and have experience with how to make changes. not trying to shoo you away from this forum; just saying there is more help, too.

Anna

As has been said, when you set boundaries, you must be prepared to keep them.

You do not need to search or police your husband. You know what is happening in your house. That's the knowledge you use when you are sticking to your boundaries. You are not 'sending him away'. You are keeping your home safe for you.

Invisible1women

Thank you all so much, I moved the beers where he couldnt find them, I told him this morning as he drunk last night behind my back I'm now setting boundaries and no more alcohol in the house or he can leave....he went all day without one his shakes was getting bad so he went to go to the shop, I knew he shouldn't go cold Turkey but had to stick my ground I said if your going to the shop it ain't coming in here you know my boundaries....he replied so what you want me to sit in the park like an idiot... I said if you need a drink that bad then yeah but considering your not addicted theres no need to get a drink.....he went and got a beer and come back.....I said right ring your dad or something and I'll pack you bag......he then broke down and actually first time ever admitted he needs help and hes scared and wants help.....but dont want to do rehab or hospital....what's the best way we can help him now x

Anna

The best thing you can do is let him find his way to a recovery program of some sort. If he is serious about getting help, he can find a way. I know it's hard, but recovering from alcohol is hard and he must want to do it himself.

Take care of yourself and think about attending an AlAnon meeting in your area as a support for yourself.

biminiblue

You still packed his bag and sent him to his dad's, right?

He just upped the stakes, that's all.

He saw you were serious so he made the fake promise.

Like Anna said, let him find his way to a recovery group. He'll be living at his dad's so stay out of it.

How many chances? Seems like that was the last one.

fini

how are you doing today, IW?

just thought i’d mention that YOU found this place here when you wanted help and support, and HE is equally capable of finding help and support when HE makes up his mind to look for it.

PuckLuck

I'm so sorry for your current situation.

Oh good Lord, asking a significant other for permission to drink x amount of booze. God that hits home. Reminds me of ME.

When that starts happening you know things aren't going well...