Invisible1women

Hi everyone, first time speaking out on groups like this, my partner has suffered from alcoholism for many years way before I met him his family has told me that's why all his previous exs have left, when I first got with him he wasnt this bad it used to be 1 or 2 cans a day but since our son was 8 months old he got really bad 5 to 10 cans a day plus running a tap at the pub of 100 to 200 pound a month, he doesn't help around the house nor with anything to do with our son I ask him to give our son a bath as I have some health issues with I'm in agony with daily so on my really bad days I try to ask for help from him, the response i get is eye rolls, swearing or simply asking for more beer if he does like a payment.....hes forget alot of things like turning the oven on or where he put his shoes and argue with me about it blaming me and saying and name calling me every word you can think of under the sun...he has got me in so much debt, I have talked to him so many times i have even kicked him out but all the excuses come....he will change, hes sorry, he wont ever do it again...etc etc....but here we are again, he has even started smoking weed again, yesterday we had another one of are talks and I heard all the false promises for him to then go out a for hours later get more beer and get drunk....then at 1.30am this morning he went to his mates to have a smoke with him...he didnt get home until 7.30am this morning, I dont want my son growing up with this as I grew up with my dad drinking all the time and watching how miserable my mum was, I dont want that for my son, I look at my partner with discussed and no respect now when hes had a drink but I completely love him when he dont he can be so amazing but now hes not, I want to help him but he denys he need help I want to leave him so much and give him some tough love see if that works but I cant ever seem to follow through with it but I know I need to for his sake...for my sake and most of all for my sons sake but later on in life will my son hate me for it.....I'm just so lost so many different things running through my head I dont even really know what to say on this post just so much stuff , if it wasnt for my son who is now 21 months old i would have completely broken by now but hes my rock hes the one I protect so I make sure he doesn't see or feel my pain all he sees is a happy smiling laughing mama which is totally worth it as long as it protect him.
thank you all for reading I'm so sorry I'm all over the place x

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, invisible1woman. I am so sorry for what brings here.

Anna

Welcome, and I'm glad that you are trying to protect your son and that you want him to grow up in a healthy environment.

In my experience, tough love doesn't work. What can work are making boundaries in your life to protect you and your son. For example, you could let your partner know you won't allow alcohol or drugs in your home. You could decide that your partner would need to leave the home if you find alcohol or drugs, or maybe you and your son would leave the home.

It might be helpful for you to check out AlAnon in your town as a support for you.

Invisible1women

Thank you for your response, I have tried talking about boundaries, I said about, 1 can a day or a couple over the weekend, he agrees to the couple oven the weekend and none during the week but it doesn't happen, we really can not afford to pay the pub bills so dont wont him going there plus with covid-19 they are closed, I may try talking to him and saying no drink or drugs in the house and no coming back completely drunk or he can leave that's probably my last kinda option I can try, i have been back and forth with him trying different things and nothing works but that I will give the no drink in the house a try and see where that gets me, but what if it doesn't work x

ReadyAtLast

I'm sorry for what brings you here. Unfortunately, if he doesn't think he has a problem and doesn't want to stop drinking or drugging nothing you can say will stop him doing it.

I hope you will focus on a new life for yourself and your son. you both deserve so much better than a man who does nothing to help and support you, doesn't respect you, doesn't cherish you, gets into debt, takes your money and abuses you. I hope you are able to make a fresh start and build a new healthy life for you and your son.

Bubovski

Sorry to hear of your plight.Sounds like the antics of a good many hard line alcoholics.Often it is difficult for the spouse to get through to them. Is there any other trusted person who could talk with him and perhaps help with things?

Dee74

Hi and welcome Invisiblewoman
I'm sorry for what brings you here but you will find support and understanding here.

I think boundaries are important - both for you and your son - but as you say you need to stick to those boundaries.

I hope knowing you're not alone will help in some way

I'm glad you've joined us.

D

Invisible1women

He has tried to stop as everytime we talk he says he loves me and want us to work hes gone a whole 5 days before with out any but it soon took over him again, I have spoken with all his family there have tried to talk to him like they have many times before I even met him but he just get angry and say it's none of there business, we went on holiday with his mum last may she paid for everything for us to have a broke away but soon as she witnessed first hand what he was like towards me and my son she tried to help me and talk to him he shouted at her to the point she packed her bags and left the holiday she paid for they didnt talk for weeks after thay but she has always stayed in contact with me, all his family are telling me to leave him or he wont ever learn, the main thing that brakes my heart is why isn't me and my son enough I have tried to be understanding tried to think of ways to help him slowly come off the drink but it's no good, I even had to quit my job as I know he wasnt looking after my son, he would be glued to his game or watching tv, having his loud headphone in while watching TV and drinking he would fall asleep from the drink and even I can never wake him up from drunk sleep, yet alone my 9 month old son at the time, I am now also a legal guardian to my 16 year old nephew and he see what my partner is like it's not far on him either, I'm am going to try the no alcohol in the house boundarie first if it doesn't work I will be making him leave and start a life without him, I'm also worried that if I start alone my money will drop and I'm struggling with his debt towards my rent arrears as it is and really dont want to lose mine and my sons home, I just wish we was enough for him to change x

fini

hello Invisible,
you are not. not invisible. we see you, and hear you.
i would like to suggest you also check out the “Friends and Family of Alcoholics” section, as folk there will be very familiar with the situation you find yourself in.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

Invisible1women

Thank you fini, I sure do feel invisible a lot, but I definitely feel the support and the joy of getting listen to from you guys, I appreciate the link I will have a look on there thank you again x

ReadyAtLast

Hi again, not sure if you are in the UK but if you are you will find that you may be better off financially as a single parent as he doesn't work. If you are able to get some part time work when your son is in nursery (he will be eligible at 2 if you are single and on benefits or low income) you will find the child tax and working tax system or UC very helpful. I would also recommend you speak with this debt charity-they will contact all your creditors and help you come up with a plan. It is free support and they are brilliant-I used them many years ago.

https://www.stepchange.org/

Please also remove all thoughts of you not being enough. This isn't you - you didn't cause it, you have no control over it and you can't cure it. You are a wonderful person who deserves better. I think his own mother doing what she did speaks volumes and it is good you have her support.

Anna

Invisible, I wish you and your son were enough to change him too. But, sadly, it won't be enough. And, it's not about you two. It's about him needing to decide to change.

I applaud you as you set the boundary of no alcohol in the house. And, I'm sure the financial struggles will be difficult, but have faith that you can do this. And, please know we are here to support you. You are not invisible. You belong here.

fini

" I just wish we was enough for him to change x"
i was a drinking alcoholic for a long time, IW. i had two kids. there were lots of "enough" reasons to change, and i tried a gazillion times. it was confounding to me that i kept going back to drinking, over and over. i wasn't a "bad person", or lacked willpower in other areas, or didn't love my kids. far from it.
there was something wrong with me with regards to booze, and i couldn't control it.
it had nothing to do with my kids or partner not being enough for me to change.
it was something in me, and only about me. the best "everything and everyone" wouldn't have been able to change it, or been "enough" in that sense , for me to change.
it had to come from me for me.
it is not really understandable unless you've "been there", i think, and i only write it to let you know from this alcoholic's perspective and experience that it has nothing to do with you, or with you not being enough. nothing.
i am sorry for your pain and hope you will find here the support and understanding you're looking for.

RecklessDrunk

It sounds like he is more of a liability then an asset.

If you leave him it may be the push he needs to get sober. It's not all that strong of a possibility but it may give him a clue that life is becoming unmanageable. If you leave and he continues to drink it opens up the possibility of meeting someone new someday. It doesn't sound like going on like this is working.

We (alcoholics) dont usually get up one morning and say my life is going good, I think I'll try out an AA meeting. Many of us had to get hit in the head with a brick. I think I speak for most alcoholics when I say the first thought of a life without alcohol is absolutely terrifying. We do not know how to handle life, not even the good times, we count on alcohol. It's almost God for us when we are actively using.