It was a mistake to give her compassion
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It was a mistake to give her compassion
I hope the day will come when I'll be able to put behind me the years of hell with my ex-girlfriend, who drank and drank, and also would have kept drinking if I hadn't eventually stopped shopping for her after a very violent accident occurred. But for now, I've been thinking about what to say, were I ever to encounter her again, and frankly there's little to no reason to hold back, when it's someone who clearly isn't sorry at all, and doesn't want to change! Maybe her friends and family shouldn't have showered her in compassion during her addiction, commiserating, as they kept saying "Aww, she's had so though".
I bet nobody would have given me that same compassion. I know what the designations would have been if I had been the addict instead: "that a-hole boyfriend", "that pig", "that piece of sh*t", and I'd imagine much worse!
I bet nobody would have given me that same compassion. I know what the designations would have been if I had been the addict instead: "that a-hole boyfriend", "that pig", "that piece of sh*t", and I'd imagine much worse!
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It is possible that your compassion was a waste of time and it's also possible that no one would give you the same compassion, that's true.
However, what we give to another should not have strings. You can't expect a parade. I don't mean that in a harsh way but when you are kind to others you should try (at least in my opinion) to expect exactly nothing in return. If you are doing it out of a need you have in yourself that requires something in return, you are going to be pretty disappointed.
So why do I bring this up? Because perhaps this can be an opportunity to look at your own motivations. Doing that might save you next time around! When you are disrespected, not appreciated, that's a good time to exit?
All that aside, I'm sorry you got hurt, I really am. Dealing with an addict is tough stuff and I'm sorry it didn't turn out better for you.
However, what we give to another should not have strings. You can't expect a parade. I don't mean that in a harsh way but when you are kind to others you should try (at least in my opinion) to expect exactly nothing in return. If you are doing it out of a need you have in yourself that requires something in return, you are going to be pretty disappointed.
So why do I bring this up? Because perhaps this can be an opportunity to look at your own motivations. Doing that might save you next time around! When you are disrespected, not appreciated, that's a good time to exit?
All that aside, I'm sorry you got hurt, I really am. Dealing with an addict is tough stuff and I'm sorry it didn't turn out better for you.
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Links-----I have a question, if you don't mind. Did you ever act out of compassion for her, and enable her, before you eventually "stopped shopping for her"?
Sure, family, often does enable the alcoholic, and so do some friends----but, can you explain why you consider your enabling less damaging than their enabling?
Personally, I consider all enabling of an alcoholic to be harmful, no matter who does it. I happened to also, enable my own qualifier----until I became enlightened and stopped it. I did apologize for my having done it in the first place. It was a family member----not a partner. I vowed to never let alcoholism come under my roof, ever again----and, I never have.
Sure, family, often does enable the alcoholic, and so do some friends----but, can you explain why you consider your enabling less damaging than their enabling?
Personally, I consider all enabling of an alcoholic to be harmful, no matter who does it. I happened to also, enable my own qualifier----until I became enlightened and stopped it. I did apologize for my having done it in the first place. It was a family member----not a partner. I vowed to never let alcoholism come under my roof, ever again----and, I never have.
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Links-----I have a question, if you don't mind. Did you ever act out of compassion for her, and enable her, before you eventually "stopped shopping for her"?
Sure, family, often does enable the alcoholic, and so do some friends----but, can you explain why you consider your enabling less damaging than their enabling?
Sure, family, often does enable the alcoholic, and so do some friends----but, can you explain why you consider your enabling less damaging than their enabling?
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Originally Posted by Links
It's simple; I was afraid. She can leave me, but she can't leave her family. And that she did, almost the very day I turned down her request, and told her (angrily but not rudely) that her behavior is unacceptable. The end of a five years relationship.
When a relationship goes on for five years, and then one day, someone is angry about something never mentioned before, that had to be shocking. I do understand that we all have breaking points. To suddenly announce that behavior that was acceptable for four years and 364 days became unacceptable overnight wasn't anything like compassion. That's sandbagging.
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Originally Posted by velma929
I guess you were well and truly done with her, as is your right.
When a relationship goes on for five years, and then one day, someone is angry about something never mentioned before, that had to be shocking. I do understand that we all have breaking points. To suddenly announce that behavior that was acceptable for four years and 364 days became unacceptable overnight wasn't anything like compassion. That's sandbagging.
When a relationship goes on for five years, and then one day, someone is angry about something never mentioned before, that had to be shocking. I do understand that we all have breaking points. To suddenly announce that behavior that was acceptable for four years and 364 days became unacceptable overnight wasn't anything like compassion. That's sandbagging.
For four years and 363 days, there wasn't blood on the floor and broken bones. And never had I seen such a horribly violent thing before.
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Links, it sounds like you have really been through the wringer with her. Being with addicts really is horrific.
It is an advantage/disadvantage (depending on how you look at it) to being a partner with an alcoholic rather than a family member as you can leave a partner. I remember thinking this when I left my XABF. I could just get the hell out of Dodge but his family were stuck with him.
How long has it been since you left? How are things for you now?
It is an advantage/disadvantage (depending on how you look at it) to being a partner with an alcoholic rather than a family member as you can leave a partner. I remember thinking this when I left my XABF. I could just get the hell out of Dodge but his family were stuck with him.
How long has it been since you left? How are things for you now?
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Links, it sounds like you have really been through the wringer with her. Being with addicts really is horrific.
It is an advantage/disadvantage (depending on how you look at it) to being a partner with an alcoholic rather than a family member as you can leave a partner. I remember thinking this when I left my XABF. I could just get the hell out of Dodge but his family were stuck with him.
How long has it been since you left? How are things for you now?
It is an advantage/disadvantage (depending on how you look at it) to being a partner with an alcoholic rather than a family member as you can leave a partner. I remember thinking this when I left my XABF. I could just get the hell out of Dodge but his family were stuck with him.
How long has it been since you left? How are things for you now?
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Originally Posted by Links
Thanks for asking. It's been a year and a half, and I saw a shrink a few times. Not much light at the end of the tunnel. I'm too depressed to see anyone new. And holding a grudge is something that eats you from the inside.
After a year and a half, I'd like to think that you would start healing but it actually took me 3 years before I was okay. We all have our own timelines. Some start feeling better after a few months. Not me.
I heard once that the first step to forgiveness was recognizing that you aren't ready to forgive.
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