Sobriety journal
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Join Date: Apr 2020
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Sobriety journal
Here I am again on the start of day 3, I wanted to make this post once my head had cleared abit. My sleep last night was disturbed but I feel more rested than yesterday's 2 hours. This will be my last attempt, not to mean I wouldn't try again if I slipped but i'm moving the thought of I might fail to the far back my mind. I realized thinking I would stumble anyways reduced my commitment to the journey.
This is the one. I will post again when I have completed 7days. I wish anyone reading strength in there journey and congratulations on those still on the path!
This is the one. I will post again when I have completed 7days. I wish anyone reading strength in there journey and congratulations on those still on the path!
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Join Date: Apr 2020
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Coz not a solid one yet but it's still formulating combining what worked, and adding some new techniques, I should have something solid in a day or two.
travelbug yes we are! I hope you are doing well and the physical anguish as diminished. My sleep is still wonky but I have an extra 2 hours or so of solid sleep.
travelbug yes we are! I hope you are doing well and the physical anguish as diminished. My sleep is still wonky but I have an extra 2 hours or so of solid sleep.
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Hey Anna!! Its been 7 days since I made this thread unfortunately I only made it to day 5, so now I'm on day 1 again. I kept hearing what my mind imagines your voice sounds like saying 'cant wait for your post on day 7!' Its odd but in some way I didn't want to disappoint any of you...alas I did.
The things that I learned is about me:
1) I am scared of how I will deal with the bad feelings in life without this crutch
2) I am scared I am not likable and I will somehow put off the people in my life
3) I am scared this apathy I have is permanent at the same time my extreme concern for other things will be my mental undoing.
Reality:
For 1) This is something that will need to cultivate skills for, read and really work hard at, it maybe the most difficult thing I will do because thinking back that is the reason I fall back to drinking, I don't have the tools to deal with the bad feelings. Probably cause I started drinking so early and that's how my extended family dealt with things.
For 2) Why I think this eludes me, it doesn't make sense that a sober me would be less likable than the booze ridden me. I think this is the famous AV trying to psych me out and knowing that I can better prepare for when it comes.
For 3) My emotions are everywhere! Though I do think is has alot to do with I said in 1), A few years back I went to the doc with chest pain, I was told I had a panic attack thing is my general mood was the same, I did believe it because it was a stressful time and booze was how I was numbing my way through but apparently the body still holds on to what you don't deal with or let go.
I am not quitting till quitting is permanent! I drank within 24hours about a wine bottle and a half, its been 14hrs since my last glass and now I will go do something productive with my day!
The things that I learned is about me:
1) I am scared of how I will deal with the bad feelings in life without this crutch
2) I am scared I am not likable and I will somehow put off the people in my life
3) I am scared this apathy I have is permanent at the same time my extreme concern for other things will be my mental undoing.
Reality:
For 1) This is something that will need to cultivate skills for, read and really work hard at, it maybe the most difficult thing I will do because thinking back that is the reason I fall back to drinking, I don't have the tools to deal with the bad feelings. Probably cause I started drinking so early and that's how my extended family dealt with things.
For 2) Why I think this eludes me, it doesn't make sense that a sober me would be less likable than the booze ridden me. I think this is the famous AV trying to psych me out and knowing that I can better prepare for when it comes.
For 3) My emotions are everywhere! Though I do think is has alot to do with I said in 1), A few years back I went to the doc with chest pain, I was told I had a panic attack thing is my general mood was the same, I did believe it because it was a stressful time and booze was how I was numbing my way through but apparently the body still holds on to what you don't deal with or let go.
I am not quitting till quitting is permanent! I drank within 24hours about a wine bottle and a half, its been 14hrs since my last glass and now I will go do something productive with my day!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Hey Orchid, maybe try posting more often. Most of us alcoholics have tried to solve this problem on our own using our best thinking for a long time. Is it realistic to think we can do this by ourselves? For me, no. Maybe if you would have talked to somebody on Day 5 you could have skipped that bottle of wine? Recovery is not something we can check in on once a week. I won't belabor the point, but it takes a big shift in our thinking and the way we live. Hope to hear from you soon!
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
1) I am scared of how I will deal with the bad feelings in life without this crutch
2) I am scared I am not likable and I will somehow put off the people in my life
3) I am scared this apathy I have is permanent at the same time my extreme concern for other things will be my mental undoing.
2) I am scared I am not likable and I will somehow put off the people in my life
3) I am scared this apathy I have is permanent at the same time my extreme concern for other things will be my mental undoing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
The part about SR that I really like is that someone is generally around because we are from all over. I like the idea of you posting/checking in more often. If I'm left to my own thinking, I'm not in good company. I'm wondering if a lot of your scared thoughts would change should you go longer without drinking 
I really agree with Nez's post too!
I really agree with Nez's post too!
Free.
Join Date: Apr 2020
Location: Saskatchewan.
Posts: 2,962
Orchid: Getting some sustained sobriety was never about what I was thinking. All of the messed up ramblings in my head couldn’t amount to a whiff.
My heart is what lead to sobriety.
Tired
Hurting
Afraid
Sad
Sorrowful
Ashamed
Heartbroken
Dismayed
Bewildered
So upset that I’d done it all over, yet again. I finally had to surrender. Anything other than surrender would be a self-betrayal.
My heart is what lead to sobriety.
Tired
Hurting
Afraid
Sad
Sorrowful
Ashamed
Heartbroken
Dismayed
Bewildered
So upset that I’d done it all over, yet again. I finally had to surrender. Anything other than surrender would be a self-betrayal.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 286
Back again
After my last post a week ago I have been on a bender, I talked to my high school friends and as we were joking on how much people drink now I was reminded in high school I was the drunk of the group, that stung. Went to a wedding and a birthday...drank at all of them, infact I drank from the 3rd to yesterday the 8th. I think I need therapy. Most of all I need to put God first in my life again, I've been worshiping alcohol for so long. And now i'm fat, broke and Emotionally damaged.
One day at a time.
One day at a time.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,097
Oh Orchid
That is sad news, but really great that you have come back here. Maybe you should consider a rehab place to get you through the first month and help you with your fears of life without drinking? I am only a month sober, and yes, my life is different.
I am still learning how to deal with my emotions, fears and anxieties - but I at least feel physically healthier and in a warped sort of way, enjoying discovering how to feel emotions rather than blot them out. The little "joys" in life are now so much more rewarding - things like sunrise, moon and starts, butterflies, birds, chats with family, eating a meal with hubby and many others. I am more present and these nice bits are even nicer without alcohol. The bad feelings are more challenging, but I have this SR family to help me through them, and I will one day just be able to accept them as feelings and not feel the need to escape them.
I too, as I think is true for many addicts, have a lack of any self confidence that anyone can like me when I am me. Being drunk, I am not me, and I always thought that I was more sociable, comfortable and likeable as a relaxed and happy drunk. What foolish thinking on my part - looking back, I said stupid and hurtful things, hurt myself, did stupid things and mucked up my relationships with my family, work and friends. So many people close to me could see that I had a problem and tried to warn me - but no - I was OK. It is a learning curve finding me again, but the stories of nearly all of the long-term sober people here on SR tell me that it gets better - so much better. I am hoping that the time will come when I like me, which is really a precursor to others liking me.
It is a rocky road for a while, but even at one month sober, I feel better already and looking forward to finding out if I feel even better and start liking myself more as my sober time increases. It does take some work and some pain for some time, but it is a relatively short time compared to the years of drinking and/or the years of life ahead.
I really hope you have the courage to turn your life around - you wouldn't be here if you were happy with your drinking lifestyle. Maybe this time you could post every day rather than waiting until day 7. Reading and posting here regularly really does help in so many ways.
That is sad news, but really great that you have come back here. Maybe you should consider a rehab place to get you through the first month and help you with your fears of life without drinking? I am only a month sober, and yes, my life is different.
I am still learning how to deal with my emotions, fears and anxieties - but I at least feel physically healthier and in a warped sort of way, enjoying discovering how to feel emotions rather than blot them out. The little "joys" in life are now so much more rewarding - things like sunrise, moon and starts, butterflies, birds, chats with family, eating a meal with hubby and many others. I am more present and these nice bits are even nicer without alcohol. The bad feelings are more challenging, but I have this SR family to help me through them, and I will one day just be able to accept them as feelings and not feel the need to escape them.
I too, as I think is true for many addicts, have a lack of any self confidence that anyone can like me when I am me. Being drunk, I am not me, and I always thought that I was more sociable, comfortable and likeable as a relaxed and happy drunk. What foolish thinking on my part - looking back, I said stupid and hurtful things, hurt myself, did stupid things and mucked up my relationships with my family, work and friends. So many people close to me could see that I had a problem and tried to warn me - but no - I was OK. It is a learning curve finding me again, but the stories of nearly all of the long-term sober people here on SR tell me that it gets better - so much better. I am hoping that the time will come when I like me, which is really a precursor to others liking me.
It is a rocky road for a while, but even at one month sober, I feel better already and looking forward to finding out if I feel even better and start liking myself more as my sober time increases. It does take some work and some pain for some time, but it is a relatively short time compared to the years of drinking and/or the years of life ahead.
I really hope you have the courage to turn your life around - you wouldn't be here if you were happy with your drinking lifestyle. Maybe this time you could post every day rather than waiting until day 7. Reading and posting here regularly really does help in so many ways.
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Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 286
I will take the advice and start posting as often as possible even if just for me, I'm not craving a drink right now, i'm about 18hrs out from my last drink, did crave it earlier though but my resolve was strong. Didn't really have a hangover but now I can feel pins and needles in my hands and I have a painful bump on my shoulder that I vaguely remember hitting on something but God knows what or when! I'm looking at a registry for therapists, reading what their about to see if they'd be a good fit. I'll get to cleaning my room...it's just awful, clothes everywhere that need to be put away. Maybe I'll exercise a little in my room, nothing big just get the blood flowing.
Coz I read your post after posting this, thank you so much, I can feel your warmth through this screen. I don't think I need rehab yet I am just a coward with sever anxiety that I have not dealt with or accepted till now and I am looking for help to navigate that. Thank you Coz, I am glad life is a little bit brighter for you!!
Coz I read your post after posting this, thank you so much, I can feel your warmth through this screen. I don't think I need rehab yet I am just a coward with sever anxiety that I have not dealt with or accepted till now and I am looking for help to navigate that. Thank you Coz, I am glad life is a little bit brighter for you!!
Last edited by Orchid1; 06-09-2020 at 02:49 PM. Reason: Adding a reply
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Orchid, you are not a coward. You are here and you are working on this and it takes courage to do this. Cleaning up your room and doing a bit of exercise sounds like a good plan. Many of us here have turned to alcohol to self-medicate anxiety. Hopefully you will be able to manage your anxiety and a therapist may be able to help with that.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,352
Originally Posted by Orchid1 
After my last post a week ago I have been on a bender, I talked to my high school friends and as we were joking on how much people drink now I was reminded in high school I was the drunk of the group, that stung. Went to a wedding and a birthday...drank at all of them, infact I drank from the 3rd to yesterday the 8th. I think I need therapy. Most of all I need to put God first in my life again, I've been worshiping alcohol for so long. And now i'm fat, broke and Emotionally damaged.
One day at a time.
One day at a time.
I also think you need to consider avoid drinking situations for a while... and while journals are great, some of us find they're not enough on their own to keep us sober.
Have you thought about a more detailed thought out action plan?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ery-plans.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)
D
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,747
A journal is a good idea, but I'm not sure about a weekly one.
If you have had really bad experienes,re alcohol, you might like to take some notes about them before the morning starts.
As for being liked, don't place others on pedestals. the real you is a wonderful person full of potential, not a drunk.
If you have had really bad experienes,re alcohol, you might like to take some notes about them before the morning starts.
As for being liked, don't place others on pedestals. the real you is a wonderful person full of potential, not a drunk.
Coffee Snob
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 808
Originally Posted by Orchid1
Here I am again on the start of day 3, I wanted to make this post once my head had cleared abit. My sleep last night was disturbed but I feel more rested than yesterday's 2 hours. This will be my last attempt, not to mean I wouldn't try again if I slipped but i'm moving the thought of I might fail to the far back my mind. I realized thinking I would stumble anyways reduced my commitment to the journey.
This is the one. I will post again when I have completed 7days. I wish anyone reading strength in there journey and congratulations on those still on the path!
This is the one. I will post again when I have completed 7days. I wish anyone reading strength in there journey and congratulations on those still on the path!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 286
Well I drank just about 1.5 bottles of wine yesterday, BUT I also gave my life to the Lord, my exact words were "I give up, take my life. I can't control it."
I woke up this morning not really hung over more like just had an awful taste in my mouth, reevaluated most of the things that filled me with such anxiety yesterday and realized its not that bad and most of all I feel at peace❤️.
My neuropathy is kicking in(hands, feet and nose)though but I find when I take the probiotics that produce Serotonin and GABA it clears up plus I feel good and now that I wont kill them with alcohol all will be well.
One day at a time
I woke up this morning not really hung over more like just had an awful taste in my mouth, reevaluated most of the things that filled me with such anxiety yesterday and realized its not that bad and most of all I feel at peace❤️.
My neuropathy is kicking in(hands, feet and nose)though but I find when I take the probiotics that produce Serotonin and GABA it clears up plus I feel good and now that I wont kill them with alcohol all will be well.
One day at a time
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