Wombaticus

Hi all. It's been ages since my last post, and tbh its been an absolute debacle.
The more I walk this journey (or crawl, or sprint depending on the day), the more I realise just how much the alcohol as a liquid is totally irrelevant. Let me explain...
We're still living, separated, in the same house. Moving got put on hold due to DS having a mental health crisis. He's been suicidal, self-harming, sleep disturbed and erratic. We were a whisker away from having him admitted to a psych ward during the week, but I talked everyone down. I want to have him start to think about recovery, not illness and hospitalization. Btw I would never deny him good care; I just felt I could handle things overnight, and knew I could bring him back to hospital if I needed to.
So, the cause of all of this?
A father who is uninvolved.
These is the teenager's view, with me wholeheartedly agreeing. DS is severely depressed and its going to take a while to build him back up again.
So now I'm managing his meds - stop this one, start this one, one of these at night, ring this number during business hours, this number after hours,hide the paracetamol etc.
Doing the role of carer/mum/working is tiring.
DS knows nothing about alcohol's impact in this situation. It's not something I have chosen to talk about with the kids too much as its not done in front of them.
At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter too much how much AH drinks or how often. It's that he has not been there for DS. The alcohol as a liquid is irrelevant. Its just the result.
The only way I've been able to cope is by packaging my grief about my separation so I can help my beautiful boy.
A friend called me out today about glossing over my grief. She's been through a divorce recently, and her experience is that grief will come back to bite if you ignore it.
My resolve to stay separated is stronger as I see how insensitively AH is dealing with the mental he a lth issue. Not at all surprising; just so disappointing for DS.
I'm walking a lot to cope with everything. My glutes are the only winners so far. (Im pretty happy about that!!)

dandylion

.Wombaticus, it sounds like you have quite a load on your shoulders and it sounds like you need lots more help. I imagine that your son knows a lot more than you suspect. We adults, notoriously, underestimate how much our kids know about what is going on.

SmallButMighty

Wom, thanks for updating us. I've been wondering about you. I am sorry things have not been well with your son. Mental health issues can be so very scary. I know you don't need to be told this, but you are doing the right thing making him your boy the priority. Not at all surprising that the alcoholic only prioritizes himself. That's what they do. Doesn't make it suck any less though knowing that does it? It's a lonely feeling when the person you are supposed to be partnered with is incapable of actually being a partner.

I lived in the same house with my AXH for the better part of a year after we "broke up", I can't really call it separated because we were still in each other's space. It started out OK but by the time I finally left it had degraded to something so bad I don't even know how to describe it. It was awful, very unhealthy for both of that's for sure. Like you, we had our reasons, but looking back now I'm appalled at the situation. I only tell you that so you know that I understand what a challenge it is to live in the same house with an ex spouse, it's brutal. I have great empathy for you having to share space with him.

Glad to hear you walking, walking, walking... it is a great way to burn off stress hormones and as you mentioned, tone up the body!

Nd819

Thank you for popping in for an update, I have also been wondering how you were doing. I am so sorry to hear about your son's struggles, I know as a mom it must be heartbreaking but I also know you will get him through this. I completely understand about putting your grief on hold, let's face it we can all only handle so much at one time and right now your focus needs to be on your son. You are one strong mama! Big hugs to you and please keep us updated.

Wombaticus

An awful day. DS has barricaded himself in his room. I have told AH I'm actively looking for an apartment. I dont think he believed I would really go.
I have very little more to give.

Bernadette

DS knows nothing about alcohol's impact in this situation. It's not something I have chosen to talk about with the kids too much as its not done in front of them.

But you talk to DS about alcoholism and about that being a major reason why AF is not emotionally available I hope?

Children know (I certainly did) that something is wrong from a very young age (I knew by 1st grade). If no one is speaking the truth it is natural for the child to think something is wrong with them or to internalize their fear, anger, guilt, confusion, which is crushing to one's self-worth and sense of stability in the world.

I've always said if there had been just one adult in my life, anyone, who sat me down and said, "B, this tension in the house, this problem that you know is there but no one is talking about, is alcoholism! You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. Doesn't mean Dad doesn't love you and it doesn't mean you can't love him, but it interferes with normal relationships and communication: it's not your fault! And I am always here to talk to you about it or struggle with you and try to find answers to your questions." that would have made all the difference for me and my siblings! Or if f I could've connected to AlAteen and realized there were lots of kids just like me, and realize that when I am struggling I can reach out for free help!

Sending you and DS lots of love and a shot of courage. (((((hugs)))))
Peace,
B.

trailmix

I'm so glad to hear this Wombaticus! While you may not have actively discussed the alcoholism with him, it surely is having an effect (not saying all roads lead back to that, just that it can be a huge factor). Removing this stress, for your Son, I hope, will have HIM feeling hopeful again. I hope you find an apartment today.

Take care of yourself too.

Wombaticus

We've had an awful 10 days. 2 trips to the ER, time off school and work, lack of sleep, but its settling down.
Ive looked at a few apartments, but the rental market is hot here, and I have missed out on them. One I saw today stank. It was a bit depressing.
I have talked a lot about AH's emotional unavailability and the reasons why to DS. We've had some intervention from a psychologist who offered to talk to AH. To my surprise, AH went along to meet with him and has returned quite upbeat.
I've cried a bit today. I met with my friend who also happens to be a minister, and a great listener. She just said 'you're grieving'. I'm allowing myself a little cry now, because Im not ok. Sometimes it feels too hard, and too sad and too overwhelming.
I will go to sleep soon. Tomorrow is a brand new day and I will find a place to live soon.
Looking forward to having some space.

Sleepyhollo

I’m sorry about everything you are going through right now, but please talk to your son about alcoholism and have him learn about it in an age appropriate manner. When they don’t know what is going on they will make up their own truth even if a lot of times it is far from the actual truth and that is a lot more stressful than knowing the truth. He likely knows a lot more than you think he does. My kid was 6 when my ex went to rehab. When she as almost 7 she went to Betty fords kid program and it was awesome. They learned about addiction without making it scary, they learned to talk about it and learned about feelings. Keeping the truth hidden will likely be much more damaging. I can’t remember how old your kid is but I think a teen? He needs to know about addiction (also because he has a genetic predisposition for it) so he can understand why his dad isn’t involved like he wants him to be. And that it is not so much dad as a person that doesn’t want to be involved but it is the addiction that keeps him from being a parent that is present, he needs a counselor that has experience with addiction. I can’t remember if you are in the US or not but I would contact rehab centers and see what resources they have available to help kids/teens of addicts. He is growing up in a very dysfunctional household due to his dads addiction and it will have a huge impact on his entire life. Hiding the truth (not because you are a bad mom but because you are trying to protect your kid....we have all been there) will do more harm than good. I know it is scary to talk about the truth but I think he needs it. My niece was 16 when my ex went to rehab (we had raised her and her sister since she was 10 because their parents were addicts as well) and as much as it sucked life at home just made more sense to her once she understood the why behind it. She and I became much closer at that point because I could talk to her about it.
Good luck, i think getting your own place if at all possible will be much better for your kid (and you), away from the dysfunction and the stress and high tension at home. His dad isn’t involved now so from that perspective staying there doesn’t do any good, he isn’t goi g to get more involved just because yiu are staying , i hope you are getting helps for yourself as well.we are al known to tough it out and be strong but as I learned that isn’t always the best way to deal with it, at some point we are going to crack ourselves. Getting help doesn’t mean you are weak, quite the opposite. Counseling for me was a one saver.

Hopeworks

So sorry your child is struggling right now but I bsilutely endorse and recommend full disclosure with counseling about his fathers addiction.

i am ACOA and kids know when they are being kept in the dark or getting a partial truth... while well meaning no kid will understand that. The unknowing is scary and troubling marriages create unhealthy triangulation. Kids often blame themselves not understanding the 3 C’s which is a foundation needed for their future with an alcoholic parent with a progressive disease.

the truth-in Love- empowers and sets people free ... the power of the steps is something I hope your family reaches for...

what are are you doing for you...it’s a family disease and healing comes when we do the work needed in our own recoveries...

you are on the path path and we are all here to tell you it gets better... Time is your friend

Zevin

Wombaticus, could your AH move out so you and your son don’t have to deal with the upheaval of a move?

Wombaticus

we're in a rural area which requires a lot of driving on my part. I do love it here, but I am rarely here. Its a shattered dream - to be self sufficient, living here amongst the trees.
I can't maintain this house and the land, so its off to suburbia I go. I'll be happy closer to the beach too.

Amaranth

Its a shattered dream - to be self sufficient, living here amongst the trees.

gosh wombaticus, this resonates with me so much. There's so much more to grieve than the relationship. It's the dreams, your identity......so much. Grieving is a very neccessary part of the process. You don't have to do it all at once. You can do a little bit and come back to it later. Focusing on your son is your priority. The grieving will take as long as takes and be assured, it will not last for ever. Try to find moments of joy amongst the grief. It's OK to do both at once.

Wombaticus

thanks, lovely.
you are right.
I said to a friend recently that what was happening was 'character building'. She straight out told me to " F off - its hard, its horrible, its awful, its sad. Acknowledge what is happening. We can talk to you then. You don't have to keep it all to yourself"
My friends have been truly wonderful, and so have my son's friends and their parents.
DS hasn't harmed himself for 2 1/2 weeks. Looks like we have the meds right for now. He's been able to tell me just how confused and conflicted he feels between sadness and anger. When a key person in your family is neglectful and absent, despite being physically there, its going to cause damage.
So tomorrow I get the keys to my rental apartment. It's in a safe, quiet place for DSs and I to regroup and reflect, cry, and in time, move forward. Actually, we are moving forward already!
AH says he doesn't understand what he has supposed to have done to DS to make him like this towards him.
He will have plenty of time and space to ponder that once we have fully moved into our apartment, and it won't be my job to workshop it with him.

Seren

I'm just so happy to hear that you and your DS have found a good, safe, place to live!! That's fantastic news
No, and the one thing I learned with my stepson? It never was my job or my late husband's job to workshop his relationships with others or why his life wasn't working out for him. When I fully realized that, it was such a relief! Pour your love and energy into your son and yourself! Heal and grow and keep looking forward.

ironwill

Wombaticus,

I glad that you found a safe place for you and your son. That will help in the moving forward aspect of your life. I'm glad your son is doing better. That can cause so much stress when a child of yours wants to hurt them self. I have been through it with my youngest and we also believe we have him on the correct medication now. You have learned a lot knowing that it's not your job to workshop your AH( I like that. good one). Have a good time getting your new place decorated the way it makes you happy. Have a great day and keep being strong.

SparkleKitty

And in saying so, manages to center it all around himself, without taking an ounce of responsibility. Sigh.

I'm so happy you are giving yourself and DS the gift of distance.

trailmix

And won't that be a relief to not be your Husband's counsellor.

As SK said, it becomes all about him with that comment. I think I vaguely remember my own Father saying something to that effect. Years of listening to him yelling at my Mother (and I saw him hit her once, we all did). Years of being scared when you heard him pull up/open the door. The uncertainty. Would he be a happy drunk today or a miserable mean one? Would we all (when we were older, young teens) have to sit there with him while my Mom got him something for dinner and he told his stories. So much stuff.

To this day when someone arrives I get that same feeling. I remember sitting there one day thinking, why am I feeling this apprehension? This person - whomever it was, is no threat to you. It's like ok the day is over for me, now I have to focus on someone else. It's rather screwed up! I have worked on that though with some success.

Another thing is other people yelling really put me on edge, for years (fear), I have found I manage that better however if negative things are thrown at me, not so much on the spot. Working on that too.

I think it's a feeling of powerlessness really, reclaiming that power is key, knowing you have it.

Sorry rambled a bit there, hope that provides some insight, and so, now you can be my counsellor lol

I'm so glad you are getting your own place Wombaticus, I'm happy for you.