Accepting my ex's aloholism
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 354
Accepting my ex's aloholism
I am almost 5 months sober, after 30 plus years of drinking. The last 15 of which were with my former partner, who was, and remains, a heavy drinker. We split up a couple of months ago, although the relationship was over many years ago. (That was put in no doubt 4 years ago when I managed 3 months of sobriety, although the signs were there long before then).
As part of my journey over the past few months, acceptance is something I am working hard on. I have succeeded in accepting I am an alcoholic. I accept that I cannot have "just one drink" (something I didn't accept 4 years ago. I knew it was true, I just chose not to accept it, and as a result lost another 4 years of my life).
I have managed to accept other things, particularly that life is hard and a drink will never change that. There are many others, and it is liberating when one truly accepts, and thus is able to truly let go.
There are many other things that I know I need to accept (as in truly accept in order to truly let go) but I am still having to work through those to get to where I need to be with them. I am comfortable with that - I have at least identified and acknowwledged them, and understand it is a process that can and probably will take some time.
What I am struggling with, is my ex partner's drinking and our child, and his time when he is in her care (currently 50/50 during lockdown). Just to be clear, I am not talking about abuse. He is well fed, will be given attention when he asks for it, etc. But when the wine comes out he will be left to his own devices, which means video games and you tube videos until bedtime. Hardly the crime of the century, but... it just doesn't seem right.
I just don't know. I know I need to accept the situation - there is nothing I can do to change it at the end of the day. But to accept it feels wrong. I want what is best for him, and this doesn't fit in with that.
Maybe I'm just projecting my own guilt for my years of drinking, and my own inadequacies as parent, on to her? I suspect there is a truth in that.
As part of my journey over the past few months, acceptance is something I am working hard on. I have succeeded in accepting I am an alcoholic. I accept that I cannot have "just one drink" (something I didn't accept 4 years ago. I knew it was true, I just chose not to accept it, and as a result lost another 4 years of my life).
I have managed to accept other things, particularly that life is hard and a drink will never change that. There are many others, and it is liberating when one truly accepts, and thus is able to truly let go.
There are many other things that I know I need to accept (as in truly accept in order to truly let go) but I am still having to work through those to get to where I need to be with them. I am comfortable with that - I have at least identified and acknowwledged them, and understand it is a process that can and probably will take some time.
What I am struggling with, is my ex partner's drinking and our child, and his time when he is in her care (currently 50/50 during lockdown). Just to be clear, I am not talking about abuse. He is well fed, will be given attention when he asks for it, etc. But when the wine comes out he will be left to his own devices, which means video games and you tube videos until bedtime. Hardly the crime of the century, but... it just doesn't seem right.
I just don't know. I know I need to accept the situation - there is nothing I can do to change it at the end of the day. But to accept it feels wrong. I want what is best for him, and this doesn't fit in with that.
Maybe I'm just projecting my own guilt for my years of drinking, and my own inadequacies as parent, on to her? I suspect there is a truth in that.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
While the ex's parenting skills might not be the best once the wine comes out, as long as there is no abuse other than being ignored once the wine comes out, it is probably best that the child gets to see first hand the unvarnished truth.
As long as there is no abuse going on, it is best that the child not be kept from their dad, which could cause resentment down the road.
As long as there is no abuse going on, it is best that the child not be kept from their dad, which could cause resentment down the road.
[Kids] don't remember what you try to teach them. They remember what you are. Jim Henson
Children must be taught how to think, not what to think. Margaret Mead
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
All you can really do is be the best parent YOU can be, and a reliable, attentive support for your son.
Pay attention, though. Alcoholism is progressive, and what may be acceptable-if-not-ideal now might deteriorate into who knows what. Make sure your son knows it's safe to talk to you about it.
Pay attention, though. Alcoholism is progressive, and what may be acceptable-if-not-ideal now might deteriorate into who knows what. Make sure your son knows it's safe to talk to you about it.
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 122
Hey friend. Congrats on reaching 5 months first of all! You are doing great. I am not a parent but I can understand the frustrations you are facing. There really isn;t alot you can do though. Maybe in the future you can go for sole custody if it becomes necessary but for now, I think being the best parent you can be will be the best thing you can do for your child. Your sobriety speaks for yourself, children remember and notice things more than we give credit.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by abraxas69 
I am almost 5 months sober, after 30 plus years of drinking. The last 15 of which were with my former partner, who was, and remains, a heavy drinker. We split up a couple of months ago, although the relationship was over many years ago. (That was put in no doubt 4 years ago when I managed 3 months of sobriety, although the signs were there long before then).
As part of my journey over the past few months, acceptance is something I am working hard on. I have succeeded in accepting I am an alcoholic. I accept that I cannot have "just one drink" (something I didn't accept 4 years ago. I knew it was true, I just chose not to accept it, and as a result lost another 4 years of my life).
I have managed to accept other things, particularly that life is hard and a drink will never change that. There are many others, and it is liberating when one truly accepts, and thus is able to truly let go.
There are many other things that I know I need to accept (as in truly accept in order to truly let go) but I am still having to work through those to get to where I need to be with them. I am comfortable with that - I have at least identified and acknowwledged them, and understand it is a process that can and probably will take some time.
What I am struggling with, is my ex partner's drinking and our child, and his time when he is in her care (currently 50/50 during lockdown). Just to be clear, I am not talking about abuse. He is well fed, will be given attention when he asks for it, etc. But when the wine comes out he will be left to his own devices, which means video games and you tube videos until bedtime. Hardly the crime of the century, but... it just doesn't seem right.
I just don't know. I know I need to accept the situation - there is nothing I can do to change it at the end of the day. But to accept it feels wrong. I want what is best for him, and this doesn't fit in with that.
Maybe I'm just projecting my own guilt for my years of drinking, and my own inadequacies as parent, on to her? I suspect there is a truth in that.
As part of my journey over the past few months, acceptance is something I am working hard on. I have succeeded in accepting I am an alcoholic. I accept that I cannot have "just one drink" (something I didn't accept 4 years ago. I knew it was true, I just chose not to accept it, and as a result lost another 4 years of my life).
I have managed to accept other things, particularly that life is hard and a drink will never change that. There are many others, and it is liberating when one truly accepts, and thus is able to truly let go.
There are many other things that I know I need to accept (as in truly accept in order to truly let go) but I am still having to work through those to get to where I need to be with them. I am comfortable with that - I have at least identified and acknowwledged them, and understand it is a process that can and probably will take some time.
What I am struggling with, is my ex partner's drinking and our child, and his time when he is in her care (currently 50/50 during lockdown). Just to be clear, I am not talking about abuse. He is well fed, will be given attention when he asks for it, etc. But when the wine comes out he will be left to his own devices, which means video games and you tube videos until bedtime. Hardly the crime of the century, but... it just doesn't seem right.
I just don't know. I know I need to accept the situation - there is nothing I can do to change it at the end of the day. But to accept it feels wrong. I want what is best for him, and this doesn't fit in with that.
Maybe I'm just projecting my own guilt for my years of drinking, and my own inadequacies as parent, on to her? I suspect there is a truth in that.
After years of sobriety, I can say I value it more and more as time goes by. Occasionally the thought crosses my mind that wouldn't a drink be nice, but that thought is overcome by my love of being sober and having a clear head.
Many thanks for sharing.
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