Ituvia

I've just had a video therapy session today and I had this realisation that I am unable to express my emotions in any meaningful way. I usually cry so badly or explode. These are the only states I've known for as long as I can remember. With the AH too it mostly crying or exploding. There was no middle ground because I've never had any means to express to myself or others how I'm feeling. Maybe I supress it and it explodes later or maybe I don't and it overwhelms me and I cry. How do I find a way to understand what I'm feeling and bringing it to MY awareness first?
I'm so glad I got into therapy with this lady, she's been giving me some prompts while I go on and on and that's been so helpful.

2ndhandrose

Many years ago, I reacted just like you are describing. I had a counsellor that I was seeing and as soon as I started to cry hysterically, she stopped and made me do 5 things. Our session wouldn't move forward until I had calmed myself by doing as she instructed. I just googled and this is the technique.

5-4-3-2-1 Coping Technique for Anxiety

By: Sara Smith, BSW

Anxiety is something most of us have experienced at least once in our life. Public speaking, performance reviews, and new job responsibilities are just some of the work-related situations that can cause even the calmest person to feel a little stressed. This five-step exercise can be very helpful during periods of anxiety or panic by helping to ground you in the present when your mind is bouncing around between various anxious thoughts.

Before starting this exercise, pay attention to your breathing. Slow, deep, long breaths can help you maintain a sense of calm or help you return to a calmer state. Once you find your breath, go through the following steps to help ground yourself:

5: Acknowledge FIVE things you see around you. It could be a pen, a spot on the ceiling, anything in your surroundings.

4: Acknowledge FOUR things you can touch around you. It could be your hair, a pillow, or the ground under your feet.

3: Acknowledge THREE things you hear. This could be any external sound. If you can hear your belly rumbling that counts! Focus on things you can hear outside of your body.

2: Acknowledge TWO things you can smell. Maybe you are in your office and smell pencil, or maybe you are in your bedroom and smell a pillow. If you need to take a brief walk to find a scent you could smell soap in your bathroom, or nature outside.

1: Acknowledge ONE thing you can taste. What does the inside of your mouth taste like—gum, coffee, or the sandwich from lunch?

I hope this helps!

Achnasheen

I have experienced that explosion of emotions too, with lots of crying - for me, it was frustration at not being listened to, or having my words be dismissed. If people tell us we are wrong to have the feelings we have, this can cause us to squash our emotions to try and please those around us.
Emotions are a combined mind and body reaction, and lots of times your body is reacting before you even realize you are feeling an emotion. So if you can practice recognizing your body's reaction to identify the emotion, it helps because you are then aware of it before it gets to the overwhelmed, explosion stage.
So, when you are feeling anxiety, you might first feel sort of a sick feeling in your stomach, your hands might get sweaty, your heart might start feeling like It's pounding. When you are angry, your teeth might clench, when you are scared you might feel suddenly cold, when you are sad you might feel like you have a lump in your throat.
identify your emotion, but don't dwell on it, or it will intensify. Emotions are temporary, they always pass, even when it feels like they are lasting forever! You can help them pass by taking a walk and noticing all of the things around you, or doing yoga, or meditating - something positive and pleasant that you like to do.
Wait until your emotions are not overwhelming you before you continue a challenging discussion, it will be a lot easier to express yourself when you are feeling calm.
((((hugs))))

LifeRecovery

Ltuvia-

I just wanted to let you know that this WAS my work of recovery. Those are pretty "normal" responses in the abnormal world we reside in.

For me though I was so numb that just feeling was a huge part of the challenge.

I don't have any perfect tips but have found the ones above helpful.

I do want to acknowledge an ongoing struggle that a lot of this feeling stuff brings up for me.

My feelings are valid. My feelings are welcome. Feelings are not good or bad but are pieces of information that can help me just like thoughts etc. I tried so hard to not have feelings I labeled as negative that it made it harder and worse for me. For example now I view anger as an indication that a boundary of mine has been crossed in some way.....and now I have information that I can do something with. Previously I thought I was a bad person when I felt anger. I am now able to feel happiness and joy because I allow myself to feel anger and sadness. On the other hand, I am many years into recovery and yesterday I spent an entire therapy session on the fact that I agree feelings are valid, but I still struggle to let myself feel them all until some weird high threshold is met so they are legit?

For me, if I don't feel them, they ferment and come out sideways.

Also I had so much SHAME that I had a feeling that I made it worse. I was a bad person for having a feeling. Shame always contributed to me having a harder time with them.

When I can be open and non-judgmental to myself about having feelings I do much better.

I have an odd book that helped me with this whole feeling thing. I am dating myself with this recommendation. There is a lovely book about Grover called The Monster At the End of This Book that not only brought me joy as a kid, but helped me to work through a lot of the hard stuff around feelings. He was so afraid of the "monster" that the resistance made it all worse. When I don't fight myself I usually end up in a better place. I need to pull that out and read it again tonight.

Be gentle and easy with yourself around this. You learned math each year in school for it to build on already established skills. For me this feeling thing I did not start learning until I got into recovery.

trailmix

Yes, as LR said, this is part of the work as well (see how all this is coming together when you focus on yourself!).

Pent up emotions are just that and they will come out where they may. That's not productive. The key is to express you feelings as they arise. There is no right or wrong there and you don't always have to be perfect at it. You get to change your mind later if you like! Our first reaction, upon reflection, may not always be accurate for us. As is said around here, say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean.

trailmix

double post

mylifeismine

It's wonderful to see a post from you that's just about you!!

I think what you are feeling is a huge part of codependency. One thing
that helped me was medium chill (out of the fog). It allowed me to
give a vague response to someone and then I could focus on how I
was feeling, just sit with it. Has my heart started beating fast, my
stomach in knots, etc. Then I could reflect on what was said to me
and why I might be having such strong reactions to it. I could
remember it to discuss with my therapist. This is how I came to
understand/know myself better. As time went on, I could realize
the triggers and what they did to me, yet respond to someone
appropriately, stating boundaries if needed, questioning for
clarification, problem solving if needed.

I no longer reacted, I responded, and it has been very liberating.

Sleepyhollo

You keep going to therapy 😉. I was brought up in a family where feeling were not expressed really. And with my codependency I certainly didn’t learn to express myself either because I was too busy pleasing everyone else. I started therapy when XRAH went to rehab. I never realized how much I needed it! I still can’t cry, I might choke up but I can’t get myself to cry not even when I’m alone. But I’ve learned to sit with my feelings more and I’m also much better at not reacting right away. If my ex sent me a text or email regarding our kid I rarely respond right away anymore. I take the time to process what he said (and it isn’t necessarily anything bad) and figure out how I really feel or think about it (and if it is something that bothers me....it is a cool off period) and then I will respond a few hours or even 1-2 days alter depending on what it is in regards to. We were both alway good at having knee jerk reactions/feelings and that’s usually a bad idea. I started weekly counseling 3.5 years ago and got divorced 1.5 years ago. As soon as I moved out I no longer needed weekly therapy but I still continue every 4-6 weeks. I still find it very helpful even when it isn’t always related to my ex anymore.

Ituvia

All of this resonated so much with me. It was only when my therapist asked me to express it I realized that I wasn't able to put it in words. And also

"feelings are valid. My feelings are welcome. Feelings are not good or bad but are pieces of information that can help me just like thoughts etc. I tried so hard to not have feelings I labeled as negative that it made it harder and worse for me. For example now I view anger as an indication that a boundary of mine has been crossed in some way.....and now I have information that I can do something with. Previously I thought I was a bad person when I felt anger. I am now able to feel happiness and joy because I allow myself to feel anger and sadness. On the other hand, I am many years into recovery and yesterday I spent an entire therapy session on the fact that I agree feelings are valid, but I still struggle to let myself feel them all until some weird high threshold is met so they are legit?"

I understand this. I always thought anger was bad but I couldn't stop myself from feeling anger. In my household it was always that 'ituvia is an angry person' from childhood. It was almost like conditioning and telling me that this is who I am. So I don't express the rest of the emotions. Plus I was always angry when some boundaries are crossed too. I get angry from animals are treated badly or when someone is dismissive or accuses me of something. I somehow I try to prove to them that they are wrong and no one likes being pointed out so things escalate.
But as far as I can remember, anger was my 'identity' everywhere. No one bothers why someone is angry just that they are angry. I have to find ways to express my displeasure or crossed boundaries in some other non threatening way while also acknowledging it's normal behaviour. Not sure how but it's a start.

trailmix

Yes it is a great start. My approach is, I say how I am feeling on the spot if there is conflict or discussion. Say for instance someone snaps at me. I will say, right then or a few minutes later after I have thought about it and things are calmer, that made me angry/hurt/etc when you snapped at me - whatever it was. There might be a discussion about it and I will state my point of view and they theirs, but it's out there and can easily be dealt with.

If you wait for weeks or months and break down and say I can't stand you always snapping at me! Then you might get, what are you talking about, when?? Then you have a disagreement. I think the deal with it as it comes is a good approach, at least for me. Then if it continues it can be a bigger conversation when things are calm.

The thing is, it takes two to tango. That approach only works if the other person cares to listen. If you approach it as a comment stated clearly and calmly and they blow it up in to an argument, accepting no part of it, that can't work.

SparkleKitty

ltuvia, I am loving all of these posts that are just about you. That's a huge step.

Ituvia

I pretty much react immediately but feel awful afterward. I am trying to process what makes me angry and I've found that I have such difficulty putting everything into words.

Ituvia

I am trying to keep the focus on me and taking it one day at a time. Days and weeks are melting into one another. I am not sure what future holds for me. I am not sure if I should start looking for a job. Our plans for abroad are intertwined due to the nature of the application. Jeez. I am praying to the universe to give me the right way. Whichever way it maybe. But just a sign telling me which path to take.