JohnInGA

I recently had to kick my 19-year-old daughter out of the house, for drug use and all of the bad behaviors that go along with it. She's now bouncing around from house to house, and still using. We talked about rehab a few days ago, and I told her that I would be willing to pay for it, but only if she's serious about saving her life and if she's willing to commit to a program of recovery. I've seen too many parents cajole or force their kids into rehab, only to have them sleepwalk through it and resume their drug abuse as soon as they got out.

To her credit, she was at least honest enough with me to admit that she wouldn't take it seriously and that she'd really just see it as a roof over her head for 45 days, so she declined (she previously declined my ex's offer to send her to rehab as well).

Now my ex's family is getting involved, trying to entice her to go to rehab by promising to help her move to Seattle and get established there after she completes the program (they all live near Seattle). Suddenly, my daughter has done a 180 on rehab and is now very interested. The family members are positioning rehab as a "hoop she'll have to jump through" to get to Seattle. Of course, the expectation is still that I'll be the one paying for it - possibly with some help from my ex.

I'm strongly opposed to this approach. I've tried to explain to them that rehab isn't a "hoop to jump through" to get a reward on the other end. It's a place to go to save your life and start the long process of recovery. My daughter will say whatever she thinks people want her to say to get a ticket to Seattle and an apartment there. Given that she just turned me down flat on an offer to go to rehab, I have no confidence at all that she'll take it seriously.

I've explained my concerns to them, but I'm running into a lot of resistance. They are desperate to "do something" and it's become very emotional. Any ideas on what I can do to persuade them to stop trying to force a solution?

Nathan57

IMO, you need to be really, really firm, tell them you believe it is the wrong approach and you are not going to contribute one penny towards her rehab because she told you the other day she wasn't interested in it. End of discussion.

If they want to pay, and she wants to go to get to Seattle, that is between them. Not anything you can do about it.

BeABetterMan

I think any way you get a 19 y/o into rehab is a good way. If the alternative to your ex's family's offer is no rehab at all, then it's a no-brainer to me. She's 19 and ANYTHING she says is her addiction talking. So she thinks she wouldn't take it seriously now, but the growth that happens during recovery (especially in a rehab) can be remarkable. She's not dumb, after a couple of weeks she'll see how much better her life is. She will be meeting people that truly care about her instead of the leeches that she's spending her time with now.

Does any of your opposition have to do with the fact she'll be moving away from you? I know that it would kill me being away from my daughter.

JohnInGA

BeABetterMan: No, my opposition has nothing to do with the fact that she'll be moving away. My son moved away last year. I've always wanted my kids to be independent adults. I spent a week in rehab with my ex when she was there for alcoholism. There were 7 or 8 young adults aged 18-20 there, and not a single one of them took the program seriously. They didn't participate in meetings, they didn't identify themselves as addicts, and they were pretty open about the fact that they were there either because their parents forced them or because they made it a condition of continuing to live at home. One of them said very frankly that the first thing he was going to do when he got home was get high. They didn't have their eyes opened by people at rehab who truly cared about them - they already had families that truly cared about them (I know, I met their family members). A lack of love and understanding wasn't the cause of their drug use.

Anna

You are right that your daughter has to really want to go to rehab in order for it to work. She would need to be very motivated. And, it doesn't sound like she is, but is willing to do it, to get the move to Seattle. You said you will be expected to pay for the rehab. So, if you don't believe it will benefit your daughter, then you don't need to offer to pay. If she changes her mind and becomes very motivated to begin to heal her addiction, you could re-evaluate your position.

Steely

I'd pay for my daughter's rehab if I had the funds. I wouldn't do it consistently, but I'd give it a go. I'd be hoping that even if not 'successful' a seed would have been planted.

My daughter does not need rehab, but have family who do/did.

Can't say you didn't try.

nez

You obviously are smart enough to realize that you can't force a solution on your daughter. She is the one that has to see the problem for what it is before she can see the solution. Congrats as that is a painful and hard conclusion to come to. Well done on arriving at that point.

Why should you have any better luck forcing, sorry I meant persuading, your ex's family to see the problem as it is before they can see the solution?

BeABetterMan

There are definitely two schools of thought.

1. let her run the streets until she realizes there’s a problem or something bad happens.

2. get her into rehab

Neither has a certain outcome, and the truth is option one is most likely to work, but the consequences are a lot worse if option one doesn’t work. I bet a lot of parents who lost children to addiction would have sent their kids to rehab if they had the opportunity.

Either way I don’t envy you having to decide. I have three kids growing up quickly and addiction is huge in our family. Best wishes John.

Fallow

No idea what you should do, but I am sorry to hear that you and your daughter are going through this.

Bethany57

What about if you got her an addiction counselor and had her do 30 AA meetings in 30 days? If she completed that then maybe she could go to rehab. This is just an idea. I would want her to do rehab too but she has to take some ownership and some work on her own if she is serious about quitting.

thomas11

I've never been to rehab, but many have said that unless the addict is ready, it can be a waste of time. She has to really want to get straightened up.

zerothehero

Research about court-ordered rehab is mixed, but there is evidence that for many it marks a turning point. I've known people who were court-ordered for a month and started using immediately upon release, but of course, many who go voluntarily get out and use again, as well. I've known others who went against their will and learned from it, and never used again, or maybe relapse but eventually sustained recovery.

It would be interesting to hear from folks on the forum who have been forced or bribed into rehab. In the courts, "bribes" can be anything from avoiding jail, to housing when released, to getting your kids back, to shortened probation... What do those who have experienced it say?

Dee74

Hi JohninGA

I have no experience of rehab, don't know you, or your daughter or your ex and her family..
I think there's been great wisdom here on either side.

If you still feel strongly that this will be a waste of time, I'd simply refuse to pay.

D

DontRemember

You know your daughter and can gauge if she's serious or not. When my exwf went to rehab it was very obvious by day 3 that she was only there for a brief vacation from responsibility. She went as far to find yet another rehab her and her new rehab friend wanted to go to after this one "because it's on the beach and they have horses". I ended all funding immediately.

No one gets sober unless they want to get sober and in turn willingly put in the hard work to stay sober. A new location/car/house/job has never kept anyone sober that I know of.

newhope01

I’m sorry you are in this impossible situation. My family strong armed me into rehab. Had a ridiculous intervention and even called the cops to try and have them force me to go. They lied and said I was a danger to others. I never felt so defeated then when trying to explain to an officer I would never hurt anyone and that I devoted my life to helping people who were in the same predicament I now found myself.

I eventually agreed to go but it did nothing. I went open minded but maybe it was a bad facility but I found myself silenced by fellow residents and counselors as I tried to work through my issues. I learned quickly what to say and how to proceed to keep the peace. It sure cost a ton of money which I’m still paying for but it didn’t help.

Deep down I didn’t think I had a problem. I thought there were other reasons for my substance abuse, not merely I was just an alcoholic and I could not drink. So, I drank for another two years completely hopeless that I could ever stop. I ended up quitting when I stopped being so damn selfish and had to care for someone else who was dependent on me for their survival. I couldn’t do to her what had been done to me.

So, I have a lot of resentments toward my “family” and a lot of it was due to the forced rehab. I’ve read on the boards that it’s helped some folks but more often than not it’s a wasted venture. I only recommend it for people who are absolutely serious about quitting and need to get a way from their current environment to get clean.

Not sure how your daughter will respond to rehab so I have no way of advising for it or against it but if in your heart of hearts know she will not benefit from it, best to step back from this situation and let your ex in-laws do what they need to do. What a wonderful story if it works and she gets better and if the outcome is not so good, was there any harm in trying?

Delilah1

There are lots of great responses here. I do agree that someone needs to be willing to go. You may want to have an honest conversation with your daughter to see what has changed since your original conversation. Does she see moving to Seattle as the opportunity to start fresh after rehab? Will she have a strong support network there?

If it were me, If she says she is willing and I could afford to pay I would. I know it’s a gamble, but she would be worth the risk. If you’re not able to pay, she may be able to look for financing options/insurance to help with payments.

I hope she’s able to find her pathway to sobriety.

Lines

I'd simply share the above with your family members and then advise your not going to finance their efforts with your daughter.

I went to an inpatient treatment years ago because my family (wife and parents) arranged it. I was not in good shape, but absolutely didnt want to go. I was too sick to comprehend I had a serious problem which required outside help. Substance abuse had caused a lot of damage to my life. I knew I had things screwed up but thought I could fix it.

Has your daughters drug/alcohol use caused her undeniable problems? Do you think she inherited gene's making her more susceptible? How long has it been going on? Does she have emotional or psychological issues?

Until I began reading from this site I didnt know there were so many views on substance/alcohol use disorders. Some of what you shared reminds me of what I read here about the philosophy of AA. "Its not for people who need it, it's for people who want it". My treatment didnt even encourage the use of a recovery program/group. It was a lot of individual therapy, therapeutic tools. The doctors were more than qualified to deal with my frustration and ambivalence. My brain began to heal and rewire when the substances were no longer being used. Medications were adjusted over time. I had time to deal with the physical changes like fatigue, depression, anxiety in a safe place. I had a lot of individual therapy sessions, some group therapy, a full education on what addiction is / isnt from a medical perspective. I also had therapy sessions with family and friends close to me. Before I went home, I had goals in place, ongoing therapy sessions scheduled, had contact with my employer and set up a modified work schedule to keep stress low. A map for success not just in relation to the substances, but for my life goals.

I relapsed last year. About 7 years later. Minor in comparison, but it scared me. I've since stopped. A lot of people relapse multiple times. Substance/Alcohol Use Disorder is marked by potential for relapse. Same as many other medical conditions. That's even when a person is focused on staying healthy. But the longer the substance abuse goes on, is left untreated the more it invades a person's life. College, work, relationships, self esteem, life goals. The patterns of behavior are rooted deeper. The emotional crutch of the substance becomes the norm.

I have no idea if your daughter needs inpatient treatment, outpatient treatment, therapy, a recovery program, a support group. I can understand the financial burden if you pay for treatment, and then she needs more, or something completely different. I hope things work out for all of you. How is the stress of it all affecting you?

JScatt

I would have to agree with a lot of the replies here. My brother tried the bribe thing with his son, it ended in 10's of thousands of dollars wasted with zero change.
Why does she want to move to Seattle? Thats one of the last places a person should go to make a fresh start in recovery especially if its a free ride.
Best of luck to you and check out the Friends and Family forum, ton's of wise folks over there who have been in your position

biminiblue

I don't think there is a better or worse place to live when it comes to addiction. It's easy to get anything anywhere, and it's just as easy (or hard) to recover in one place as anywhere else.

I live in Seattle. It's a great place to live. There are many career opportunities here: however it is very expensive and of course right now the economy is awful everywhere. A fresh start away from bad influences is one thing, but there are bad influences everywhere too.

I did the geographical escape from bad things more than once. In my case I was also running from traumatic experiences in relationships and it helped to put thousands of miles between us. I felt safer when I was pretty sure he wouldn't be knocking on my door or showing up at my work.

JohnInGA

JScatt: my ex has family there