No matter what I do, the cycle come back
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Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 5
No matter what I do, the cycle come back
Hi Everyone,
Hope all had a safe and lovely holiday weekend. I am looking for some advice on how I handled a conversation with my husband. Right now he's trying to have me believe i am dead-wrong. I don't believe I said anything wrong but I need to share.
Husband, drug addict of +30 yrs. I have been very clear to him my feelings have changed after dealing with some family trauma 2 years ago. I just became tired of it all. He is in the house after numerous rehab stints and last after last relapse or as he calls it "slip" 3 weeks ago was given a promise to just watch him and see the change. He started therapy via Zoom and was doing great. Then he found a job paying decent and offering overtime. Now he has stopped his therapy appointments saying he doesn't have time. I told him that I spoke to his therapist and explained he got a job & she said to call & they can arrange something. He still won't call.
Now, he gets his 1st check, and we got for a drive and he pays for a few things. Nothing fancy. By that night I see him making calls cause he want to go fishing. Asks me to drop him off at a friends' house that is not a good person for him to be around. I call him out on that but he starts talking and saying it's just to fish and he will not be doing anything. He can't bc he's on medication. I ask him if he wants me to hold his debit card for him and he scoffs at me. I'm not going to argue with him so I leave.
He doesn't call me at all (which he normally does) and shows up at 12:30am. Doesn't understand why I am irritated. So rather than argue I just keep quiet the whole next day. As the evening comes, he decides to pick an argument with me by saying I always treat him like crap.
I calmly ask him to explain when this happens and he had no examples. Then he complains that while he has this new job and hasn't been using (which I don't believe considering the night of "fishing") I never compliment him and tell him great job. I told him that he is doing what he should have been doing years ago. He got so upset he told me I was an a**hole. That is one thing we don't do is curse at each other so I was surprised.
So now this morning he tells me on his way to work he feels suicidal. I feel all of this is coming from the fact he must have done something with his friend on Sunday. I just can't prove it and he is denying it.
He says that because I mentioned he has only 3 weeks since he did anything and I am trying to help him with the things he said he needed help with like not carrying money, not being around the same people, I bring him down.
Did I say anything wrong or should i have handled it differently? No matter what I say or do, can't seem to get it right.
Hope all had a safe and lovely holiday weekend. I am looking for some advice on how I handled a conversation with my husband. Right now he's trying to have me believe i am dead-wrong. I don't believe I said anything wrong but I need to share.
Husband, drug addict of +30 yrs. I have been very clear to him my feelings have changed after dealing with some family trauma 2 years ago. I just became tired of it all. He is in the house after numerous rehab stints and last after last relapse or as he calls it "slip" 3 weeks ago was given a promise to just watch him and see the change. He started therapy via Zoom and was doing great. Then he found a job paying decent and offering overtime. Now he has stopped his therapy appointments saying he doesn't have time. I told him that I spoke to his therapist and explained he got a job & she said to call & they can arrange something. He still won't call.
Now, he gets his 1st check, and we got for a drive and he pays for a few things. Nothing fancy. By that night I see him making calls cause he want to go fishing. Asks me to drop him off at a friends' house that is not a good person for him to be around. I call him out on that but he starts talking and saying it's just to fish and he will not be doing anything. He can't bc he's on medication. I ask him if he wants me to hold his debit card for him and he scoffs at me. I'm not going to argue with him so I leave.
He doesn't call me at all (which he normally does) and shows up at 12:30am. Doesn't understand why I am irritated. So rather than argue I just keep quiet the whole next day. As the evening comes, he decides to pick an argument with me by saying I always treat him like crap.
I calmly ask him to explain when this happens and he had no examples. Then he complains that while he has this new job and hasn't been using (which I don't believe considering the night of "fishing") I never compliment him and tell him great job. I told him that he is doing what he should have been doing years ago. He got so upset he told me I was an a**hole. That is one thing we don't do is curse at each other so I was surprised.
So now this morning he tells me on his way to work he feels suicidal. I feel all of this is coming from the fact he must have done something with his friend on Sunday. I just can't prove it and he is denying it.
He says that because I mentioned he has only 3 weeks since he did anything and I am trying to help him with the things he said he needed help with like not carrying money, not being around the same people, I bring him down.
Did I say anything wrong or should i have handled it differently? No matter what I say or do, can't seem to get it right.
Last edited by Lina30x; 05-26-2020 at 12:21 PM. Reason: visual
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Of course you didn't say or do anything wrong. You have lived with addiction 30 years and I'm afraid it sounds like you're living with it right now. Those dang pay checks, I think one test of whether an addict is sincere about their recovery is if they can handle money, or make a plan to have the money put aside. YOU are not responsible for his addiction or decision to use. Blaming you is a way of refusing to take responsibility himself, and it's abusive as well to belittle you because of his bad behaviour.
What you may want to think about is how long you are going to stay in a relationship that has become toxic? It's a good idea to make a plan of what you would do IF you chose to leave, or if he agreed to leave (rarely happens, he's secure in his addiction right where he is). Keep in mind that "leaving, is a dangerous time in many relationships and it's good to have family support with you at the time. If you make your plan, even if you don't use it, it will help give you courage to keep finding a way that works for you and keeps you safe.
Think about the next 5 years, 10 years and ask yourself if this is the life you choose for yourself. You have choices, as hard as they may be and as heart breaking as it may be to leave after all these years. But you can set yourself free, it's up to you, when the time is right and you feel ready.
Good luck, you are worth so much better than all this.
What you may want to think about is how long you are going to stay in a relationship that has become toxic? It's a good idea to make a plan of what you would do IF you chose to leave, or if he agreed to leave (rarely happens, he's secure in his addiction right where he is). Keep in mind that "leaving, is a dangerous time in many relationships and it's good to have family support with you at the time. If you make your plan, even if you don't use it, it will help give you courage to keep finding a way that works for you and keeps you safe.
Think about the next 5 years, 10 years and ask yourself if this is the life you choose for yourself. You have choices, as hard as they may be and as heart breaking as it may be to leave after all these years. But you can set yourself free, it's up to you, when the time is right and you feel ready.
Good luck, you are worth so much better than all this.
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