glitterdeva

Hello, family! I don't know if you guys remember me, as last time I posted was in 2016. So much has changed and I thought about this place many times, as without this forum, I don't know it would have been very hard. I have been posting here from 2013 when I was married to heroin addict and then was going through separation and divorce. I re-read some of the posts I made here yesterday and I cannot believe it was me. I lived in this horror? I wanted to post an update for those of you who maybe are going through the same stuff as me and to offer hope.

I was with EXAH for many years, 7 maybe or so, don't even remember much. I read similar stories here: met, fell in love, didn't know at first about heroin, then thought he was in recovery, he wasn't, relapse, rehab, jail, marriage, drug use, heroin/crack/suboxine/gabapentin/coke, cheating, lying, stealing, rehab, jail, jail, rehab, tears, sorrow, despair, lost hopes, pain, sleepless nights, short glimpses of sobriety, relapse, rinse and repeat. I was living in this with kids and it was hell. I didn't see how bad it was then (I mean it was bad), but for me it was normal. Looking back now, I can't believe how anyone can live like that. No, he is not a monster and not a bad person and can be loving and caring, or so I thought. Looking back now (and tbh the past is very foggy), was it even love or "normal" love? How can you love someone and drag them through this hell?

This disease is brutal and EXAH is sick, but I was in it, also sick.

It took about 2 years to start feeling normal. I mean I did not sit in one place and felt sorry for myself during this time. I started planning my divorce long before we separated. I made plans in my head and put some of these plans into action. I enrolled back in school and finished it while going through divorce (so glad I did, because now during coronavirus I still have a job). I found new hobby - riding motorcycles, it is such a stress reliever!!! I got myself into fitness and got in best shape of my life. I took my kids to vacations and we became more close. I started having more $, started even saving some (this would never happen with him, as every penny went to his addiction). I could not imagine dating or anything like that or even going out or meeting anymore, I was a total mess still. I was so used to spying on EXAH, being in his drama, thinking about him, how much he used, etc, trying to save him. There was some contact during these 4 years, especially in the beginning. He moved to FL, moved in with some woman, and it looked like he actually was doing good - had a stable job, home, etc. Again, I don't know all of the story, because I lived my own life.

And then I met someone. We started being friends first, we would talk for hours, it took me very long time to open up to him. We were friends for over a year before we became more. I never in a million years imagined that I can meet someone so amazing. When he says he will do something, he does. He never lies. I don't have to check. He is there for me, I can TRUST him, we have a healthy normal bond that is not based on some drama or pain. And looking back, I don't know why I stayed for so long in heroin drama. I don't want to freak anyone out, but for ME it took 2 years to start interacting with the world and another year to actually feel "relaxed" about having another man in my life. Does it make sense? Addiction and codependency is some power stuff and it will take time to get back to some sort of normal.

I heard that EXAH got hooked on meth and went to jail few times and basically is in jail now and homeless. His mother STILL tries to contact me for some help here and there. Yes, still. I don't hate EXAH, but I do feel regret sometimes that I didn't end this earlier. I spent all my 30's trying to save this man and for what?

I am sorry this is long. I just felt I had to share. If you are in a similar situation, there is hope and you can make it through. For me the key was to focus on me and start improving my life. It will take time, but it will be better.

Ann

Thank you for sharing your story and I am so glad that your life today is so much better. You were wise to take the time you needed to heal and prepare for new beginnings again.

I think sometimes we get "stuck" in the miserable life of living with addiction. The war zone of a home and my life was the "normal" for me when my son was the active addict in my life. I knew how to deal with this "normal" horror show and lost sight of what a healthy life looked like.

Like you, many years later I live my life well, I am happy even on the bad days, and when I think of where I was I thank God for helping me find some light in my life and a better way to live.

Welcome back to SR, we just came through a major upgrade here so it's a little slow on the boards, but your share tickled my heart this morning and I just wanted to thank you for trying to help those here who are still "stuck" and need inspiration to find a better way.

Hugs
Ann

tomls

You should be very proud of what you did for you and your children! Congratulations on a great success story!

Hawkeye13

I remember you glitter and all the pain you went through. I’m so glad you are doing so well now and I think your update will be really helpful to others, especially if they click on your name and read previous posts. You lived through what would flatten most people.

Wishing you even even more Happiness!