My husband came to return my documents
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My husband came to return my documents
And he just left. He was all apologetic and was crying throughout. Told me that he didn't respect my boundaries and was pushing it more and more each time. I told him actions have consequences and if god or the universe wants us to not be together, there's nothing we can do about it.
Was telling me he now realised how much he has hurt me and if it were him, he would've built a wall around him and wouldn't have spoken to the person that hurthim for eight years but I put up with him and that he wants forgiveness. I told him I am allowed to be hurt and that forgiveness is not for me to give now. He says if I decide to leave then he will respect it but not to leave. I asked why this time will be different, he says he's never understood how much he hurt me and that his mistake was thinking that stopping drinking was enough and that doing the steps could wait but he was proven wrong. It just got worse and worse because he assumed he knew better like he would he when he was drinking. I told he can do his own thing but he cannot ask me to make a decision or get back right now. And that I don't trust him or his words. Told him words are cheap, to which he said yes I am aware so let me go on and work with a therapist for 6-9 weeks. I feel crushed but at the same time I maintained my boundary.
Was telling me he now realised how much he has hurt me and if it were him, he would've built a wall around him and wouldn't have spoken to the person that hurthim for eight years but I put up with him and that he wants forgiveness. I told him I am allowed to be hurt and that forgiveness is not for me to give now. He says if I decide to leave then he will respect it but not to leave. I asked why this time will be different, he says he's never understood how much he hurt me and that his mistake was thinking that stopping drinking was enough and that doing the steps could wait but he was proven wrong. It just got worse and worse because he assumed he knew better like he would he when he was drinking. I told he can do his own thing but he cannot ask me to make a decision or get back right now. And that I don't trust him or his words. Told him words are cheap, to which he said yes I am aware so let me go on and work with a therapist for 6-9 weeks. I feel crushed but at the same time I maintained my boundary.
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Ituvia----holding your boundaries was a really good step in thinking of your own welfare, first. That is not selfish, it is a sign of growth for you.
By the way----he doesn't need you to "let" him work with the therapist. He has free will and can do it any time he wants to, for himself. It looks, to me, like his is trying to extract a promise, from you, to return to him in that length of time. If you made such a promise, I predict that he would use that promise to hold your feet to the fire----and, then you would probably racked with guilt and conflict if you didn't give in.
By the way----he doesn't need you to "let" him work with the therapist. He has free will and can do it any time he wants to, for himself. It looks, to me, like his is trying to extract a promise, from you, to return to him in that length of time. If you made such a promise, I predict that he would use that promise to hold your feet to the fire----and, then you would probably racked with guilt and conflict if you didn't give in.
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No I didn't. I told him in no uncertain terms that I am allowed to feel my hurt and take a decision which is good for me and that no one has any say including my parents. He said ok that's fair you are going to make a decision and I can only ask for forgiveness I told him he cannot force me to make a decision now or get me to forgive.
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He said he realises he has been making promises and now after he starts working on himself, I would see that actions are more important. I made it clear that I don't trust him or his words. To which he was crying and agreed that he understands.
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Ituvia----holding your boundaries was a really good step in thinking of your own welfare, first. That is not selfish, it is a sign of growth for you.
By the way----he doesn't need you to "let" him work with the therapist. He has free will and can do it any time he wants to, for himself. It looks, to me, like his is trying to extract a promise, from you, to return to him in that length of time. If you made such a promise, I predict that he would use that promise to hold your feet to the fire----and, then you would probably racked with guilt and conflict if you didn't give in.
By the way----he doesn't need you to "let" him work with the therapist. He has free will and can do it any time he wants to, for himself. It looks, to me, like his is trying to extract a promise, from you, to return to him in that length of time. If you made such a promise, I predict that he would use that promise to hold your feet to the fire----and, then you would probably racked with guilt and conflict if you didn't give in.
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Talk is cheap. Means nothing.
When the behaviors actually have consequences, they start grasping for straws.
I am so sorry. I hope he does get his life together, but I definitely would not hold my breath. Just my two cents.
When the behaviors actually have consequences, they start grasping for straws.
I am so sorry. I hope he does get his life together, but I definitely would not hold my breath. Just my two cents.
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Two days ago he promised he would leave me to work on myself but he has been mailing me AA literature and his 'realizations' . He has called my parents both days and even asked my mom not to tell me he's called.
I guess I was a fool to think he'd leave us alone for a while to work on himself. He just doesn't respect any boundaries. I've made a folder so the emails go into it directly. My mom plans to tell him to not call and that if he continues she's gonna have to block him.
I guess I was a fool to think he'd leave us alone for a while to work on himself. He just doesn't respect any boundaries. I've made a folder so the emails go into it directly. My mom plans to tell him to not call and that if he continues she's gonna have to block him.
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I am in therapy as of now. I've had life long anxiety as far as I can tell. I am on meds for it. I am going to take some time to work on myself. I am doing a program for reparenting myself which includes loving discipline and accountability.
i am slowly getting back into the habit of reading books. I was unable to read due to whatever reasons but now I am able to read slowly.
I've setup a rule to send all his emails into a specific folder. My parents are going to ask him to stop contacting them too. If he continues, my mom says she's gonna block him. I will watch the videos suggested by Dandy too. I want to bring the focus back to me but I am finding it so so hard.
i am slowly getting back into the habit of reading books. I was unable to read due to whatever reasons but now I am able to read slowly.
I've setup a rule to send all his emails into a specific folder. My parents are going to ask him to stop contacting them too. If he continues, my mom says she's gonna block him. I will watch the videos suggested by Dandy too. I want to bring the focus back to me but I am finding it so so hard.
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Two days ago he promised he would leave me to work on myself but he has been mailing me AA literature and his 'realizations' . He has called my parents both days and even asked my mom not to tell me he's called.
I support you, because you sound like you are working on you. Kudos for that. Continue the good work and rewards will be reaped
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Originally Posted by Ituvia
I want to bring the focus back to me but I am finding it so so hard.
Focusing on what you are doing well is important too. You are seeing a therapist (and the more you focus on yourself in those sessions the easier this will be for you). You have the emails going in to a specific folder. You have asked your parents to get on board with you and your Mom has agreed to stop taking his calls. You are going to watch the videos suggested.
These are all really positive steps. Yes, it's the beginning but hey, beginnings can be a bit hard sometimes (new job, moving, new baby) but the rewards can be tremendous. Anyway I hope you will reflect on what you are doing right now which is working for you because you deserve to compliment yourself on the progress you are making.
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Yes I find it so hard to compliment myself or receive from others. I know I'm making slow progress and I have to hand it to myself.
Originally Posted by trailmix
But Ituvia and I mean this sincerely, what you have posted above is really you doing so well. As mentioned here, the process is slow, change doesn't happen overnight.
Focusing on what you are doing well is important too. You are seeing a therapist (and the more you focus on yourself in those sessions the easier this will be for you). You have the emails going in to a specific folder. You have asked your parents to get on board with you and your Mom has agreed to stop taking his calls. You are going to watch the videos suggested.
These are all really positive steps. Yes, it's the beginning but hey, beginnings can be a bit hard sometimes (new job, moving, new baby) but the rewards can be tremendous. Anyway I hope you will reflect on what you are doing right now which is working for you because you deserve to compliment yourself on the progress you are making.
Focusing on what you are doing well is important too. You are seeing a therapist (and the more you focus on yourself in those sessions the easier this will be for you). You have the emails going in to a specific folder. You have asked your parents to get on board with you and your Mom has agreed to stop taking his calls. You are going to watch the videos suggested.
These are all really positive steps. Yes, it's the beginning but hey, beginnings can be a bit hard sometimes (new job, moving, new baby) but the rewards can be tremendous. Anyway I hope you will reflect on what you are doing right now which is working for you because you deserve to compliment yourself on the progress you are making.
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Trailmix, thank you. I have been going over MY behaviour in the relationship as well and I have been operating out of my wounds too. He says he is not going to talk to me for a while and work on himself. And I have to make a decision at some point. I have always has struggle with decisions and I just don't know how to this time.
It's not all black and white all the time so it's even more confusing. What if he actually does work on himself while I am in therapy?
So I don't know if there's a right step.
It's not all black and white all the time so it's even more confusing. What if he actually does work on himself while I am in therapy?
So I don't know if there's a right step.
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He says you need to make a decision at some point? I suppose you do, for your own peace of mind, however, that timetable is yours and yours alone. His timetable is his and his alone. If he jumps out and says, I'm not waiting any longer for you to make a decision I am divorcing you - well that's his timetable.
Unless you are comfortable, either way, pressure from him is irrelevant really.
Let's say he works all his issues out in therapy over 2 years. Who knows where you will be at in your mind at that point, or even a year. This is that thing about not worrying about the work he is doing. You don't know if he will be successful or not and even if he is glowingly successful, doesn't mean he is the right partner for you. You can't see the outcome until the work is done, right? You are trying to look in to a crystal ball and say what if he turns out to be Mr. Marvelous. Well, that's possible and you will see that when or if you see that. That doesn't mean YOU have to do anything about it.
The only right steps are those you are good with. You need time to sort all this out, honestly there is no pressure except that you put on yourself. You can take years working on yourself if you like, that is completely up to you. His agenda is not yours, his issues with himself (or you) are not yours.
Unless you are comfortable, either way, pressure from him is irrelevant really.
Let's say he works all his issues out in therapy over 2 years. Who knows where you will be at in your mind at that point, or even a year. This is that thing about not worrying about the work he is doing. You don't know if he will be successful or not and even if he is glowingly successful, doesn't mean he is the right partner for you. You can't see the outcome until the work is done, right? You are trying to look in to a crystal ball and say what if he turns out to be Mr. Marvelous. Well, that's possible and you will see that when or if you see that. That doesn't mean YOU have to do anything about it.
The only right steps are those you are good with. You need time to sort all this out, honestly there is no pressure except that you put on yourself. You can take years working on yourself if you like, that is completely up to you. His agenda is not yours, his issues with himself (or you) are not yours.
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No he is not saying that. It's just that we are still married. What do I even do? He was asked to leave from my place by me and my parents after a fight. We haven't spoken much since except when he came to return my documents. I don't know where we are yet. I do need to speak to him at some point and tell him if we are separated or if I'm temporarily staying away or if I'm going to file for divorce. I am unable to come to terms with anything at all.
Originally Posted by trailmix
He says you need to make a decision at some point? I suppose you do, for your own peace of mind, however, that timetable is yours and yours alone. His timetable is his and his alone. If he jumps out and says, I'm not waiting any longer for you to make a decision I am divorcing you - well that's his timetable.
Unless you are comfortable, either way, pressure from him is irrelevant really.
Let's say he works all his issues out in therapy over 2 years. Who knows where you will be at in your mind at that point, or even a year. This is that thing about not worrying about the work he is doing. You don't know if he will be successful or not and even if he is glowingly successful, doesn't mean he is the right partner for you. You can't see the outcome until the work is done, right? You are trying to look in to a crystal ball and say what if he turns out to be Mr. Marvelous. Well, that's possible and you will see that when or if you see that. That doesn't mean YOU have to do anything about it.
The only right steps are those you are good with. You need time to sort all this out, honestly there is no pressure except that you put on yourself. You can take years working on yourself if you like, that is completely up to you. His agenda is not yours, his issues with himself (or you) are not yours.
Unless you are comfortable, either way, pressure from him is irrelevant really.
Let's say he works all his issues out in therapy over 2 years. Who knows where you will be at in your mind at that point, or even a year. This is that thing about not worrying about the work he is doing. You don't know if he will be successful or not and even if he is glowingly successful, doesn't mean he is the right partner for you. You can't see the outcome until the work is done, right? You are trying to look in to a crystal ball and say what if he turns out to be Mr. Marvelous. Well, that's possible and you will see that when or if you see that. That doesn't mean YOU have to do anything about it.
The only right steps are those you are good with. You need time to sort all this out, honestly there is no pressure except that you put on yourself. You can take years working on yourself if you like, that is completely up to you. His agenda is not yours, his issues with himself (or you) are not yours.
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That is what is so hard about real change, that we don't know all the answers
and how everything will turn out. It's confusing and scary and we want to know.
That's why slogans like "one day at a time" are so popular in AA and alanon groups,
to remind us not to overwhelm ourselves with demanding to know and understand
everything now. What you do know is for 8 years or so you have been involved
in an unhealthy & dysfunctional relationship and you want to be healthy and
change. It took time to get to this point and it will take time to get to a better one.
It's enough to tell people we wish we had all the answers but we are working on it.
and how everything will turn out. It's confusing and scary and we want to know.
That's why slogans like "one day at a time" are so popular in AA and alanon groups,
to remind us not to overwhelm ourselves with demanding to know and understand
everything now. What you do know is for 8 years or so you have been involved
in an unhealthy & dysfunctional relationship and you want to be healthy and
change. It took time to get to this point and it will take time to get to a better one.
It's enough to tell people we wish we had all the answers but we are working on it.
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That's true. I wish we had all answers too. I am trying every damn day to focus ONLY on me. I spoke to my therapist and while I was talking about my husband I was telling her I don't want to give him a chance while also simultaneously crying. She asked me what I was feeling while crying. I said I don't want to give him a chance but I also want to give him a chance. To which she says honor both feelings and that I don't have to decide right now. I don't have to decide right now but the weight of it is huge.b
Originally Posted by mylifeismine
That is what is so hard about real change, that we don't know all the answers
and how everything will turn out. It's confusing and scary and we want to know.
That's why slogans like "one day at a time" are so popular in AA and alanon groups,
to remind us not to overwhelm ourselves with demanding to know and understand
everything now. What you do know is for 8 years or so you have been involved
in an unhealthy & dysfunctional relationship and you want to be healthy and
change. It took time to get to this point and it will take time to get to a better one.
It's enough to tell people we wish we had all the answers but we are working on it.
and how everything will turn out. It's confusing and scary and we want to know.
That's why slogans like "one day at a time" are so popular in AA and alanon groups,
to remind us not to overwhelm ourselves with demanding to know and understand
everything now. What you do know is for 8 years or so you have been involved
in an unhealthy & dysfunctional relationship and you want to be healthy and
change. It took time to get to this point and it will take time to get to a better one.
It's enough to tell people we wish we had all the answers but we are working on it.
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The weight IS huge, but that weight is an illusion that is born from years of putting other people's wants and needs ahead of your own. You can take all the time you need to make a decision that you feel good about. Other people may not like it--and they may make their own decisions in the mean time. That is their right, as it is YOUR right not to rush to decision just to stop feeling uncomfortable now. No one ever died from being uncomfortable.
Feelings are not facts. They are not things we need to fix or get rid of or cover up--in fact, it is impossible to do so. Just remember you don't have to DO anything about them.
Feelings are not facts. They are not things we need to fix or get rid of or cover up--in fact, it is impossible to do so. Just remember you don't have to DO anything about them.
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And I have to make a decision at some point. I have always has struggle with decisions and I just don't know how to this time.
You are obviously a compassionate human being. You are doing good. Trust that because of that your decision for today will be good.
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Thank you SK and Nez😭 feelings are not facts and I just have to decide NOT to decide now.
It makes a lot of sense. My parents have asked me to take all the time I need to make a decision so I am not in any rush. I am going to be looking got jobs.
It makes a lot of sense. My parents have asked me to take all the time I need to make a decision so I am not in any rush. I am going to be looking got jobs.
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