Buster

Having a drink yourself....when you know your A is struggling with it. In my case, I like to have a glass of wine after my son is gone to bed...I haven't done this for over 6 weeks now because I am aware that I am not being fair to AH as he is trying to stay off it.. and what do I do if he asks me for a glass...????.....but then again he has had a few drinks the last couple of evening himself ( not in the house ) so I think - we'll why not - I am not the one with the problem - Am I handling it wrong??

minnie

I think it depends on what your husband says in the early days. He can't avoid seeing other people drink alcohol for the rest of his life. However, if he feels it is difficult in the early days of sobriety, then I would respect him enough to not have any in the house. If someone was trying to give up smoking, I wouldn't light up in front of them. It's the same thing really.

You are right, you're not the one with the problem. I still like a glass of wine with my dinner, but I have discussed this with my A b/f. He is OK with it (although recent form would suggest otherwise). If he asks you for a glass? Personally, I would say that it is his decision and I would not get involved at all. There is a danger that a)he would be asking for your permission and b)that he could turn round a blame you for pouring it for him. Stay out of his decision making as far as alcohol, or indeed his recovery, is concerned.

You're doing fine.

Love

Minnie
xxx

JennyK

I will have a glass of wine in a social situation or after everyone (including my husband) is in bed. Of course, he is still drinking so the question of his sobriety is not relavent.

If and when he does quit, I am sure we will need to discuss it futher.

minnie

Oh, I forgot to say. I believe that there is no problem drinking alcohol for those of us who are not alcoholics. I don't condone alcoholic behavour just because I enjoy a glass of wine.

However, if a person is in recovery, then I will respect that they know what their triggers are and will do my best to accomodate them.

If they are not in recovery, then it doesn't really matter. They will drink whether I drink or not.

Buster

You see...the things is...he is neither on nor off drink at the moment.
His treatment starts on 4 Jan and he was advised by the centre to abstain until then and he had...but then he had a few drinks one night and the next and the next...then he stopped again and then started again....Quel surprise !
I will do an experiment tonight I think. I will get a bottle of wine on my way home from work. I will have a glass later - if he's there it will be intersting to see what he does...if he's not - then there is no problem

Karivan

Good morning, Buster. I'm having the same problem. My AH works swing shift so on a Friday night I like to have a beer with my pizza. I only bring home what I'm going to drink and I don't drink in front of him. We had to talk about it last night because we went out for Mexican food and I wanted a beer. I'm not the one with the problem and on one hand I feel guilty if I drink in front of him but on the other hand it's his decision to drink or not.

Still haven't figured it out yet. I'll probably just not drink when I'm around him.

Aquiana

I have the same problem with my Abf as well. I've always liked to go out with friends and have a few drinks every once in a while. I do think you have to be very, very careful about it. We went out one night with friends and he said it was okay if I had a few. That was when he was "sober" and although he was good that night, he went out and had a few himself the next day. It was a big mistake in other words. Even though he said it was okay it clearly wasn't. The problem is that the A might not know his or her limits either yet. I felt bad about that night ever since and don't drink around him anymore. If it means him laying off the drink I'll sacrifice now. It's worth it to me too.

CAdrmn

When my A b/f was newly sober, I was still drinking around him and coming around him after I was drinking. For a long time it wasn't an issue, he would tell me to go ahead and order a beer with the pizza or a glass of wine with dinner. But I would feel guilty and stopped enjoying it. I know I would feel the same way about ordering a hot fudge sundae in front of someone who was dieting. Gradually, I stopped drinking in front of him at all. And because he started commenting on the smell of it on my breath, I stopped drinking if I knew I was going to see him. Eventually I just stopped drinking alcohol all together. No, I do not have a problem with alcohol, but there is more than one person in my world who does and it just made sense to me to stop. I am not saying I will never have another drink, but today, it works for me.

gelfling

AAAAHHHHHHHHHH, a trick question...

I stopped drinking all together while my AH was boozing. I tried drinking bottles wine by myself when our son went to bed and AH was running the roads. I couldn't get drunk and got no satisfaction. So I figured I would stop altogether with the hope of inspiring him to stop. HAHAHAHAHAHA

I still don't drink. However....this past weekend we were at a wedding and I got a virgin pina colada. Tasted lousy without the booze. I do occasionally have the desire for a glass of wine but with hubby and son both recovering, I won't bring it into the house nor would I drink in front of them.

My aunt left her husband after her 3 rehabs because he continued to drink a fifth of Jack Daniels every night in front of her. He said he had no problem; she said I can't live around alcohol. They're divorced, she's clean and happy.

I also have a nephew who is an alcoholic. His wife is a boozer. She couldn't give a crap that he can't drink and has him make her drinks. I could strangle her.

Every situation is different. If you can have the beer or glass of wine without the world exploding, go for it. Just remember that if they're recovering, they'll get to the point they think they can drink too and will give it a try again. Back to square one.

So, in closing... if I were dieting (which I should be doing) and it was around the holidays, and I saw someone eating cheese cake, chocolate chips cookies or pumpkin pie, I would probably kill :asmd: anybody that got in my way when I went to the dessert table.

Kathy

equus

I stopped with my hubby. I suppose my reasons were very personal to me, I didn't want to be in the dilema of where and when I drink. I didn't want to feel 'free' when he wasn't there. In some ways there is so little I can do to help but me stopping has. He's not on his own refusing a drink at social occasions, there's no temptation in the house and I think he feels backed by my actions.

However he has stopped, now 47 days without a drop! He's said he doesn't mind if I have a drink but I just prefer it this way, I feel more like my heart and mouth are speaking the same language. That's not to say those that drink aren't living what they say - it's totally personal to how I feel.

Last of all, once I had decided to stop I realised (illogically) I'm quite angry at alcohol. I'm happy to allow myself that feeling, I'm not blaming a chemical, it's an emotional not an intellectual response. I like not drinking.