Gabe1980

Hi everyone. I'm having a really hard time just now and I need to reach out. I don't have anyone to talk to. I've been struggling for a long time. I still can only get to a few weeks sober and my drinking is just dangerous.

I was reflecting on this the last couple of days and all I can say is that I feel ambivalence and apathy towards my situation. It's like some part of me is willing myself to die. What I don't understand is why I feel this way when what I am doing is so serious and uncontrolled now. I should be scared into a state of permanent sobriety. It is the only logical response to this, but I just feel numb.

I am a least grateful enough to have another chance. I have ordered a couple of books; Jason Vale and Rational Recovery, which were helpful before. I also am going to watch Annie Grace's podcast. I not tried SMART recovery either, so I think that would be a good place to start this time.

I'm so sorry. I know I have had loads of help in the past and I probably don't deserve this but if don't make a lasting change this time, then I am not sure I will get another chance and I really don't want to die.

doggonecarl

It's all part of active addiction, the very insanity of alcoholism.

Dee74

My addiction made me feel ambivalent too Gabe. The more I drank the less I cared.
I was like the frog in the saucepan.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...dont-frog.html (Don't be the Frog)

It really important that you realise that apathy is a result of your drinking, not your natural self.

Fight for your future.

You deserve as many chances are you're willing to give yourself

Noone here will give up on you - don't give up on yourself

D

Gabe1980

Oh man, I really appreciate that Dee. There must be a bit of me fighting to survive because I'm here. Today I just feel hatred towards myself, towards my mind. I constantly in a state of conflict and it's so difficult. I bought the RR book because I remember the idea of separating out the addiction from the true self and what that ambivalence is.

I have to find some fight. I've just been stuck. It is like being tied to train racks watching the train coming towards you.

One more big push. I am game for that. Time to shake myself and give myself a chance

brighterday1234

Total abstinence and a program of change for recovery is what’s required. There is a solution and a sober life is possible. Sobriety and your program has to be no1 priority in your life to succeed in my experience.

Gabe1980

I feel insane. I don't understand it. I don't think I ever will. I suppose all that matters is stopping. Maybe I'll never understand what the hell this is and why its happening to me......then again it's not just happening. I am letting happen. I must be insane.

Gabe1980

Thank you. How did you do that? How do you keep focus and not slide back? Is it just a matter of a commitment that you don't break? I'm saying just........I get that it is work but mentally nothing is sticking for me. I feel like I several people stuck in here and they don't all want to stop drinking. I'm not sure that makes sense but it's what I feel.

Dee74

When I was a boy I had a long walk home from school. I could look at the immense hill in front of me and feel fatigued before I even really started...

or I could concentrate on my feet, watching each step,looking at interesting things immediately around me ...when I did that, and I would look up after a while, I was often very nearly home.

That's what one day at a time means to me...not 'I won't drink today but who knows about tomorrow'...'it means I'll focus on my journey now...tomorrow I'll focus on that part of the journey then..' but nevertheless I have made the PERMANENT lifestyle choice to abandon drinking as a viable option for me.

That babble of head voices will grow fainter the further you are away from your last drink.

You're already a lot of the way there despite what the chorus of voices is telling you.

You're not a total beginner here.
You have been sober and had some decent periods of recovery.

You need to remove the last training wheel now and commit to 'never again'.

Its is tough - when alcohol is your only tool for life's problems, it's a huge leap of faith to leave that tool behind.

It's scary.

But you'll be ok - you'll find new tools to use - if you let yourself look, Gabe

D

Be123

Hi Gabe - everyone is different, but for me one of the best things that's helped in the past few months has been watching the video that's linked below. I'm a science type of person so it works for me!

What I took from it is that when I was drinking I really didn't have a 'free' choice - the chemical reactions in my brain made me choose a certain way. I was choosing alright, my brain was making choices - but those choices were based on chemical reactions in my brain that I couldn't control. The only way out was to stop putting the drug into my blood stream. Over time my brain chemical reactions will go back to normal (whatever that is for someone who has drunk their whole adult life!!). And if I work at recovery those changes will happen quicker and more fully. What motivation not to drink and to work each day at recovery!

Funnily enough the message is the same as AA...permanent sobriety is the only way forward (wink).

(And if you're more of a religious person there's a bit when Paul talks about his struggle with doing what he doesn't want to do, and not doing what he does want to do...he was basically saying the same thing but 2000 years ahead !! )

https://youtu.be/zYphZvRHm6Y

Gabe1980

I just lost a reply here but the gist was that I do know that wondering feeling in recovery when you are just really grateful to be healthy and be in a better place. I didn't do enough to protect that or value it. That is the real change I can make.

So for today.......I have

Got rid of the booze and washed out the bottles for recycling. Done the dishes and changed the bedding. Done some laundry. Had a bath. Posted here and downloaded the Jason Vale book.

I am going to......

Put the laundry away. Finish some cleaning. Keep checking in here. Drink lots of water and get some decent food in. Roast a chicken and make soup.

Another thing is......I have been using Antabuse when I stop drinking but I don't think it is helping. I think that I take the pill, then I check out don't take responsibility for all the other stuff I should be doing. I think taking of that last training wheel means not doing this anymore. That is scary but I think that's the only way to get this right.

Gabe1980

Thank you, I'l watch this today. I'm a spiritual person but not really religious. I always thought it would be better if I was, as I now that faith is so important. That was something else that came in when I started trying to address my drinking. I didn't have faith in anything or in anyone. I'm not sure what I feel now but it's looking like nothing is coming to save me except myself.

C0ntr0ls

"looking like nothing is coming to save me except myself."

To me, this is it. You are the only one that controls what you do and in my case, I had to want to be sober more then drink.
I'm still new to the quit but one day at a time.
Good Luck!

Gabe1980

I think this is it too. I just wish there was something coming but I know there is not. It's only me and my broken head. Good luck to you too - I'll look out to hear how you are getting on.

Gabe1980

I just wrote myself a letter to read every day. I have written down everything that happens when I drink and what happens when I stop. I am going to read it every morning. Any thought that tells me anything other than this reality, in this moment is lies and can't be trusted. The truth is in this letter and if I remind myself of that every day then I think this will help me keep focus.
I have got a nice box and I am going to put together a collection of things to read in the morning, to keep my thinking straight and sort out my attitude......if any of you have any suggestions, that would be much appreciated.

I have the daily reflections book from AA and I really feel inspired by it, so that is going in the box

tomls

We are with you Gabe! Stay close to us.

thomas11

Sounds like your hurting bud, sorry to hear. Hope you can find your way soon. You'll feel much better.

Gabe1980

Thank you. It means a lot

Gabe1980

Thanks Thomas, I'm just trusting that and keeping the faith. Enough work it will come good

Sober369

Welcome back, Gabe. I hope today goes easy for you! Your plan for the day sounds great. Don't get too tired, though. It's better to rest and leave things undone than to get overwhelmed or tired, at least it works that way for me.
I hope today goes easy for you!

Surrendered19

I'm sorry you are hurting Gabe. That sucks. The apathy, numbness, ambivalence - all of those are the RESULT of your drinking, not the CAUSE. You read me? Those aren't character deficiencies. They are the result of the biochemistry that booze and using bring to us. We are here for you Gabe. I am sorry you are having a hard time.