The apology that never came

Old 05-16-2020, 10:56 AM
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The apology that never came

Hi

Has anyone ever experienced this or can make reference to a previous post. The final nail in the coffin for my marriage came almost two months ago, as my AW was found to be with another man. I ended it...not so much as an apology from her, well she said sorry. Somehow i think that an apology will somehow make me feel better about all that has happened. I know that is not the case. Just wondering how others have coped and found peace when the person you loved didnt have the decency to even be there for you when you, in this case I, was always there for her, held her, sat with her in her pain, in detox in the hospital! How did you do it
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Old 05-16-2020, 12:03 PM
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There is a quote in an alanon book I committed to memory when I was living with my XA; Now that I am away I forgot how the phrase ended. Maybe someone can fill in the blanks. I memorized the word "wemota"
"We expect more than an alcoholic..." whatever ... "is capable of" maybe. Whenever I was disappointed I remembered that phrase and not going to the hardware store for milk. He was not capable of being there for me- I was a comfort and a cover of respectability. But he was not going to comfort me. Alcohol was all he loved.
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Old 05-16-2020, 01:19 PM
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Woodland. I am so sorry. That must be beyond excruciating.

I like the idea: "Always believe people are doing the best they can even when they aren't." This is a bit like qtpi pointed out in that it has helped me realize that the best my Qualifier could do was exactly what he did. He could not possibly have been the partner I wanted and needed. This helped me forgive him.

Also a monk once told me that the first step towards forgiveness is recognizing that you are not ready to forgive. It takes a long time to come to peace with the hurt that comes in a relationship with an addict and "time takes time."

Please go easy on yourself. Feel the pain and grieve the loss. It is so so hard. Let us know how you get on.
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Old 05-16-2020, 04:26 PM
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The last eight years of my marriage was pretty bleak. Not abusive, not dreadful, just bleak. AH had time and compassion for everyone but me. I think he had an affair, I'm not sure. It doesn't matter, now. he's passed away. He was calling other women [while drunk] when I wasn't home. One of them was a 21-year-old - she still lived with her parents, and it really freaked her and her parents out. Me too, when a third party told me about it.

While he would call all kinds of people while I was at work, when I got home and wanted to speak with him about anything, he would say something like,"Make it quick, I have things to do." He wasn't able to hold a job, he wasn't doing anything around the house. What was he doing? Your guess is as good as mine. I spent a few years alternately bitter and sad about his treatment of me, his death, and the man I married who disappeared over the years.

The very day I decided I should start packing, I came home and he told me he had lung cancer. His prognosis was about two years, I doubted he'd quit smoking, so I put aside plans to leave. Keeping appointments, driving to have the porta-cath put in, all the stuff that goes with a cancer diagnosis, all that was on me. I did it for him because we were married, because who he was *right then* wasn't the whole story of who he was and our life together.

He never thanked me. He never apologized. We didn't have closure, whatever the heck that is. We never had the chance. Six weeks after he told me he was ill, he had a pulmonary embolism and died.

I don't know about your spiritual/religious beliefs, and maybe it doesn't really matter. I guess the point is, none of us are perfect. I made mistakes (not going to detail them here - I'm pretty ashamed of some of the things I said or did). I did the best I could, and my personal best varies from day to day. Building on that, I decided (yup, it was a choice) to believe that AH did the best he could, too. It wasn't always great, or even good. But it was the best he could do, under the circumstances.

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Old 05-17-2020, 07:37 AM
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It seems like a lot of alcoholics have a tremendous amount of shame and self-loathing. I wonder if this makes it difficult to say I'm sorry. If they did that they would need to really own their destructive behavior. I'm not sure if that is the case but makes sense to me. My AH would apologize early on for his binge nights but won't any more, for him I truly believe it's shame. He will tell me though that his drinking really doesn't effect me, just the typical night time drinking himself to sleep kind of thing.
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Old 05-17-2020, 12:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Nd819 View Post
It seems like a lot of alcoholics have a tremendous amount of shame and self-loathing. I wonder if this makes it difficult to say I'm sorry. If they did that they would need to really own their destructive behavior. I'm not sure if that is the case but makes sense to me. My AH would apologize early on for his binge nights but won't any more, for him I truly believe it's shame. He will tell me though that his drinking really doesn't effect me, just the typical night time drinking himself to sleep kind of thing.
May I speak to this as a long-term recovering addict/alkie? The shame is overwhelming. The more I was ashamed, the more I drank to get rid of that awful feeling, and I would end up doing something else I was ashamed of. When I got sober, considering the things I did to the people who loved me, "I'm sorry" just didn't cut it. I had to demonstrate in my daily life that I was embracing recovery, and changing my life around. Just my two cents. Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 05-25-2020, 02:09 AM
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I’m so sorry for your pain Woodlandlost. I can relate. My AXH did the same. We have been separated for 4 years and divorced for one year and a half, still till to this day I have never received an apology. There is still lack of empathy and remorse for his continued behaviors towards my children and I. I still get mistreated by my AXH. Any chance he gets he calls drunk to curse me out. He has a GF, ironically one of the ones he cheated on me with. Time will heal those wounds. Focus you and what you want to do moving forward.
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Old 05-25-2020, 06:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
When I got sober, considering the things I did to the people who loved me, "I'm sorry" just didn't cut it. I had to demonstrate in my daily life that I was embracing recovery, and changing my life around.
I had a boyfriend when I was a very young woman, who treated me rather poorly. 20/20 hindsight, he was probably an alcoholic. We eventually went our separate ways, and not amicably.

Fast forward to this year, and I reconnected via Fakebook to one of "Ralph's" buddies from back then. Buddy didn't go into details, but gave the impression that Ralph didn't just treat me badly, but made a mess of his other relationships as well. Then Buddy speculated, rather than try to sort things out, Ralph moved across the country to 'leave his past behind.'

I don't think much about the shame aspect. My husband never, ever, expressed any. Doesn't mean it didn't exist. Thanks for a view from the other side.
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