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Cocaine addicted boyfriend (25) broke up with me (23). Dealing with it?



Cocaine addicted boyfriend (25) broke up with me (23). Dealing with it?

Old 05-12-2020, 06:05 AM
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Unhappy Cocaine addicted boyfriend (25) broke up with me (23). Dealing with it?

My boyfriend and I had been together for 2 1/2 years and lived together for most of that time. Last January he developed a cocaine addiction in secret, and did not tell me until June at which point he did not seek treatment/recovery support. He has been attending an online intensive outpatient recovery program for over a month, and his use has subsided. He has relapsed a handful of times since February- the last time I drove him to the hospital over cocaine toxicity like symptoms. It was the most severe incident yet.

He has had a very rich history of drug use- he began to recreationally use marijuana and alcohol as a young person (14), he is very familiar with psychedelics and experimental drugs, and has a marijuana possession charge from when he was a late adolescent. His alcohol and marijuana use continued and weaned into early adulthood when use was very infrequent - until we met when he stopped entirely, something I didn't consider as being indicative of a greater problem.

Anyway, he just needs to be alone for all the reasons I'm sure you guys know. He can't be a good partner because of his addiction. He can't be romantic or prioritize an intimate relationship because his recovery will continue to flounder. It seems like he has a history of dependency - pleasing people makes him happy, but he doesn't know how to do this for himself and he has severely low self esteem. He has leaned on our relationship and my love to feel good about himself and as a result doesn't know who he is anymore. He's also recently realized that he has been living with depression for a number of years.

I understand practically that we are both incredibly young and have a lot to work through independently. His recovery is of utmost importance. This is life or death for him - if he continues to place things in front of his recovery he is going to continue to fail at sobriety. I love him too much to continue trying to be his partner while he is suffering from addiction- he can't be blamed for taking care of himself.

I'm just having a really difficult time. Slowly I will begin to detach from our relationship, I understand. Moving out of our apartment is hard. I really integrated into his family - all of my own family are deceased or otherwise absent, and these people, my boyfriend included, have been my family for the last 2 1/2 years. It is hard to imagine living without their support.

Our relationship was loving and fun and insightful and adventerous until the last few months. He is absolutely my best friend and I would love for a friendship to be sustainable, but I'm worried I will continue to have feelings for him that cannot be reciprocated. I'm also having a really difficult time with fantasizing about a future where we can be together, when he is ready and able. And all of the other young-relationship worries, like imagining him moving on. I don't know. Maybe he will be a different person then and it won't matter anyway. I love him a lot and I don't want this to be over but I can't admit to myself that actually is.

He's said that he needs to take time to figure out what he wants, establish a true system of values, not rely on the first pleasurable thing to make him happy, develop discipline - and if all of these things were already true that we could be together. And these are things I can develop too. He said he loves me and wouldn't leave me if he absolutely didn't feel that he must. Those comments planted a seed in my head that we could be together eventually. It's wrecking me. I wish we could grow together.

I just want support, or something. I want to know how to not fantasize about being with him the future. I want to know why we can't be together now through this. I just want anything at all to make sense about this.

Last edited by katem96; 05-12-2020 at 06:08 AM. Reason: mistype
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Old 05-12-2020, 08:00 AM
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Longtime addict. Hid his habit. Relapsed and is abusing a stimulant which makes it very dangerous for you. Time apart might help you both to say the least
STAY SAFE.
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Old 05-12-2020, 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by thequest View Post
Longtime addict. Hid his habit. Relapsed and is abusing a stimulant which makes it very dangerous for you. Time apart might help you both to say the least
STAY SAFE.
I haven't considered that his behaviours indicate a long-term addiction, although that makes sense. This insight has helped me. Thank you.
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Old 05-12-2020, 09:16 AM
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Originally Posted by katem96 View Post
I haven't considered that his behaviours indicate a long-term addiction, although that makes sense. This insight has helped me. Thank you.
"rich history" of drug use/abuse. He hasn't matured yet. Many feel maturing stops at the age at which one starts abusing. He's a teenage boy posing as an adult. Also keep in mind he's probably kept a circle of friends that were either drug users themselves and/or kept him with in a phone call of a criminal drug dealer. Sometimes the peer group is as bad or worse as the abuser.
At 25 he should be making decisions on his own at this point. Wait and see what happens. He's young enough he stands a chance to change but he done drugs long enough he might not know or have motivation for a sober life.
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Old 06-28-2020, 10:06 PM
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One day at a time

I wish we could "love" the addiction out of them. Drugs is a horrible coping mechanism/lame excuse to have "a real good time." I am sorry you are experiencing this. It definitely makes you question if what you have is truly Love. After all, why did he just quit you instead of the drugs? That's how I felt/continue to feel....

All I can say is hopefully you heal every day and hopefully you don't let this affect or bleed into other aspects of your life like I did when my ex-addict did to me. My work performance suffered, I didn't eat or sleep and when I did it was barely enough to feed a 5-year old. Being alive was such a burden, I lost my partner--someone who decided instead of TRYING rehab or getting clean was a waste of time.

One day at a time 😢 that's all we can really do. Feel the pain until you don't. Be around non-judgemental friends and loved ones should you need them to be there for you. Don't blame yourself. It's just the worst feeling to know there's nothing that you can do since he wanted to walk away and enjoy life without you. The healing process will take time. I understand.
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Old 06-28-2020, 10:08 PM
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To be honest

I still have hope but I don't want the hope to kill me. It's starting to feel like I'm going to fade away from his mind, I hope he misses me. Then again I wish I didn't feel anything. I still feel so much pain in my heart and it lingers so effortlessly. I love my fiancee just not his extracurricular activities!!!
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Old 07-07-2020, 11:34 AM
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I saw something so poignant on this forum (I wish I hadn't forgot so I credit) it changed my thinking.

"Looking for logic, morals and honesty from and addict is like looking for bread in a hardware store." And one of the members who replied said, it's even more sad when a logical person seeks logic from an addict.

Stings like a bee, but so true! Non-Addicts spend so much time chasing their tails and going in circles that we forget Addicts are not logical, they have sick brains. Most everything an addict does and says is on their terms and nothing will ever change that. No matter how badly we want to understand, we never will. Ever. Because not only are you dealing with an addict, you;re dealing with a human and we are all different. It's impossible to know why anyone behaves a certain way, much less an addict.

And be honest with yourself, would any reason he ever gave you be satisfactory? No, it wouldn't.
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