Smilax

I spoke yesterday of following off the wagon after 2 years. Thank you for all the support everyone!

One thing that has become increasingly apparent to me as I progress along in my mental health journey, is just how all pervasive the roll of self hatred and shame is in all of this.

I've been in therapy for a number of years now and I've struggled with my mental health pretty much my entire life. The latest trigger for falling off the wagon was attempting a first relationship during the pandemic lol.

I'm quite aware I struggle with codependency, neediness etc too.

As I said, as I progress on this journey and become more and more self aware, it has become apparent just how all encompassing the role of, shame, guilt and self hatred is in all of this and the desperate need for self compassion.

I don't know about others but I've slowly awoken over the past year or more to the fact that I am a horrible person towards myself. One would think it would be obvious that one is abusing themselves internally almost constantly. A constant stream of invectives, self judgments, you don't measure up, you aren't enoughs. I've always been aware that I suffer from depression and low self esteem. I've long been aware of the concept of me being too hard on myself. But it's become stunning just how subtle and hidden this whole process is from myself. Meditation and therapy has helped to being some of this to the surface. I honestly haven't even been conciosuly aware of the judgments going through my head all the time.

I suppose I've been theoretically aware of all of this for a long time. But actually coming more and more into conscious awareness of how one beats one's self up, IN THE MOMENT, is a sobering thing. It also opens one's self up more and more to self compassion.

I have always struggled with this feeling that there is something horrid and wretched about myself. That I'm some kind of despicable thing. That I need to apologize for my existence. None of this is ever consciously verbalized in thoughts or words going through my head. It's always just been a feeling on the edge of consciousness. I've struggled all my life with feeling that I am secretly hated by everyone, even those who love me. It has taken me years to come to the slow realization that my friends actually do like and care for me. That I'm not kept around just because I'm entertaining in some fashion.And of late in getting into relationships, even though they haven't worked yet, I've been kind of stunned to realize that I'm even liked romantically. Indeed I seem to be well liked by most. It's a realization I struggle to hold onto for long though.

If I were to add up the things in my life that I've done that were genuinely wrong. The people I've seriously hurt other than myself, I find I'm merely, boringly human. Indeed I actually come up rather empty handed in the "bad person" runnings. I have my rough edges, my warts and flaws as every human being does.

And yet the way I have felt about myself decade on decade now is befitting only of someone worthless, despicable.

How tragic this is, I'm slowly learning. To have compassion for myself turns out not to be what I once thought it was. It's not positive self talk. It's not self help memes and patting myself on the back. Indeed these often only serve to fuel the self hatred. Instead it is the meditative practice of continually being soft and gentle with one's self. Acknowledging the difficulty of feeling whatever one feels in the moment and giving yourself permission to feel it. It's OK not to be ok. Acceptance of things we don't wish to accept, but in a soft way.

It's falling down and getting back up. Crying. Bawling ones eyes out, screaming. It's thinking the world and my life is at an end. It's feeling hopeless over and over and over and over... and slowly, slowly, ever so slowly learning that I can be all those things and still be OK. It's a process of years in the making and I have a long ways yet to go.

Anna

Yes, you're absolutely right. I think shame and guilt are a huge part of addiction, co-dependency and depression. I was depressed from my early teenage years, a result of low self-esteem due to abuse. I was ashamed of my depression/anxiety and I dug myself into a deeper hole. Guilt and shame fuel addiction. As you said, we must try to be kind and gentle to ourselves and it's not easy.

Dee74

Thanks for that post Smilax - I think a lot of us can identify with it.
When I stopped poisoning myself I was able to clearly look at myself and evaluate the things I didn't like.
I found I was not the loathsome waste of space I thought I was.
Not a saint, and a lot of avoidable mistakes - but definitely not contemptible.
D

jr67

Wow. I totally get it, Smilax -- all of it -- and have been there (all those dark places).

Thankfully, I can say the acute depression is in remission for me, though I hesitate to say "cured," as the nagging negative voice still echoes through my cavernous cranial chambers. (Careful Jr, you're giving yourself a big head.)

Meditation has been a key component for me in identifying and then "accepting" and "letting go" the grip such thinking has had on me. (Still has -- as I say, I/we am/are a work in progress.)

Hang in there, (I say to you and to me); it sounds like you are on the right path, even if there will be stumbles along the way.

shortstop81

Thanks for this post. I can definitely say that I suffer from all of the above, which has both fuelled my addiction which in turn has been made worse by the same addiction.

For the first time in my adult life I'm sober and finally working through these issues. Medication is finally helping. Therapy is likely on the horizon.
Self-hatred has been SUCH a pervasive factor in my life, even in sobriety. It permeates just about every waking thought, decision and action. Even though I rationally know that I'm not that bad of a person, there's still that never-ending voice saying that I actually AM that bad, that I'm the one exception who deserves to feel guilt and shame.

I'm finally starting to get a handle on things, and am acutely aware that my thoughts and feelings are irrational in this regard. Without sobriety and a clear head, this wouldn't be possible. The journey to healing can finally begin.

ibqa2204

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Verdantia

You sound so much like me, Smilax. I have struggled with self-hatred and low self-esteem for most of my life; I would never think as badly of another person as I do about myself. I have issues with depression and anxiety as well, and I am also on the autism spectrum, which holds its own challenges. I spent many years trying to self-medicate my way out of the thoughts you so eloquently described-- never being good enough, the horrible feeling being 'wrong' somehow but unable to come up with reasons why this is so, of being unloved and unlovable. I know rationally it isn't true--I've overcome lots of obstacles, been sober for over 4 years, and at age 59 have nearly got my AA degree in Social Work--only one more class left, and I have a 3.7 GPA so far. I am a museum docent, and I work with the music ministry at my church. I'm not a bad person, and at least I am able to acknowledge this more often. Meditation and yoga help me also, as does my bicycle. Wishing you help with this--these feelings have been torture to me, and I'm going to continue working on feeling better. I'm glad you're here.

brighterday1234

A big part of recovery is learning to love yourself. Once you do this then you no longer need to self-medicate.

ibqa2204

This is the best of all!


And the best of all as well!

silentrun

So relate. I remember the exact moment I figured out I hated myself. I was arguing with someone on here (actually) playing the one-up game. A couple of posts in I asked myself why I was wasting my time on that. "because I hate myself and have to defend against looking like a loser." So much wrong with that statement. It shocked me as I honestly didn't know that. I cried for days. Then I worked up the courage to face the evil name caller in my head. I was afraid I was blocking out something horrible like I was a serial killer or something. My mind kept screaming at me to leave it alone and not look at it. Do you know who that name-caller was? All the voices of people who had hurt me or made me feel less than played on repeat. Not even people just the voices frozen in time. Some silly caricature of my I was allowing to tell me stories.

EndGameNYC

I spent too much time building a case against myself for much of the time I was drinking; drinking or just not being sober. For most of the day and night. On most days and most nights. It was a nightmare.

I had to work very hard to change things around. Excessive or unwarranted self-criticism and the damage that comes with it is one of the best predictors of a relapse. And after we relapse, we have a great opportunity to start hating ourselves all over again.

Volunteer work, helping people out...doing good things...is, I believe, what makes us good people. It's pretty reliable in that way.