Maddoc78

Hi All,

I posted on here a week or so ago about my trainwreck of a boyfriend. I wanted to update you all, thank you again for your support which I continue to need in light of the last 24 hours.

So, history here---a few times during this relationship, M made some very provocative statements (always when middle of the night ********* drunk, vs. you know his day time happy drinking) which when pushed on it he would say, "I am just f$%^ing with you! Oh my you are so easy to tease, lol." One of those statements was, "I am married. She lives in PA." When he first said this, I was like um WTF, you are joking right? And he said no...I pushed back, well, technically I am still married, so...and a bit of back and forth and he said, no I am not married. I was. Been divorced 8 years....He said it a second time and it was still she lives in PA, but now she is a nurse and she has an autistic son. Then again when I pushed & said ok I am out, he staring me in the eye, he would grin and say, no, I an NOT remarried. Last week while hanging out he said he had bought a house in Pasadena, MD, was moving there because he was about to lose his house in VA. Now---he has been struggling with foreclosure and bankruptcy, so I actually believed this. Told him that was great, get a fresh start, new place, sober life. He laughed and said, oh my god, I did NOT buy a house! After all the **** I have done to save this one, I am never moving. The next day, when he was only one beer in, I asked him----so the new house in Pasadena? How do you come up with this ****? He said, yeah, you can't listen to me when I am drunk. Usually there is a backstory and a little fact in there to make the ******** more believable, like it COULD be real but it isn't.

You can guess where I am going. He has been almost silent since sending me away to get drunk the other night. Last night around midnight he texted "I need to die." So, yeah, stupid codependent me starts texting him how he can't give up, blah blah....He calls and says ok yeah I am out drinking, I am not out with other women doing ****. But we need to talk when I get home about the stuff I told you when I was drunk. He got home and called. Said he is actually married. Happened a little over a year ago. They knew each other all of 2 months. Haven't ever lived together. Hasn't seen her since November. But yes, I am married. How he will miss me....he is sorry. At first I was still like, wait, you are messing with me. This makes no sense. I have seen zero sign of a woman in his house. I have stayed at his house on weekends, weekdays.....he took me to all his local hangouts and introduced me as his girlfriend. I ran his name through 2 different background check sites and they both said he is divorced and single. He told me her name, said she is a nurse in Lancaster County...he said great now you are going to research her and tell her you have been ******* her husband and it's going to be a whole thing and cause me drama. I said, no I am not going to do that...why would i? He said, really I think you would, why wouldn't you?....and he just looked confused. And then he said, Why aren't you crying? I really expected you to be more upset....I said, I am all cried out over you M. I have spent the last few days crying over you and worried about you and wanting to get you help. I can't cry anymore. At the end of the last call he said something about how I need to read up on his disease and I said, what's the point now? And he hung up. He called back adn I didn't answer.

This went on for a bit...I told him wTF were you doing on a dating app? He said, we aren't together, I don't see her, we don't live together. I said you could have been honest---he said I did tell you, and you refused to believe me. I told you a few times. I said, twice, when drunk. And then insisted you were lying. I said, you told me to hurry up and get my divorce so I can marry you. Just last week. Why say that **** if you are married? Why do I need to hurry? And he said well cause mine will be super quick....I said ok, then do it. I don't understand why you stay married to someone you never see and don't love. He said ok and then we start dating again once our two divorces are final. And then back to , "you deserve so much better. you should hate me. Do you hate me? I am a drunk and I will probably kill myself one of these days....You need to forget about me and move on. I am married." And then he is showing me his new sheets on the bed and how he misses me....how she is abusive, she freaked out on him the last time she was in town because she saw a woman texted him and she jumped on top of him at the bar, started beating the **** out of him and they had to pull her off. If true, WTF why wouldn't you divorce or start it?

I hung up on him and since sent a long text basically saying he is a coward, I am super humiliated.....how I am sure this woman thinks they are in a real marriage.....and that he doesn't have to worry about me contacting her. Why bother?

So.....I have since googled the name he gave me and nada. Zip. I ran his name through the background check sites again, under PA instead of VA. Nothing. I get that maybe she doesn't use his last name....but why would he tell me her first name plus his last name?

I am done with this guy....but...holy crap. My head is spinning....I feel humiliated. I feel like a moron for falling for this.....he is someone's husband?! Or is this some new messed up mind game? As in, he dated someone who lives in Lancaster (which his puppy that is 1 1/2 yrs old, he did tell me he got her in PA and I always said, oh huh, well why or how did you find her? And he said this girl I knew was like you should get this puppy....sigh)....when I asked him her name, he hesitated a bit and I thought, a ha! he is going to say he is messing with me...instead he gave me a name, Chrissy. He said, remember I called you Chrissy the one night I was really messed up. Another twisted way to push me away? Or to see how much I am willing to tolerate?? What possible benefit could this person get from this marriage to him, I mean he had a good job...but he is going bankrupt, into foreclosure, had his DUI (around the time of this "marriage")...my best friend said maybe she married him and realized what a mess he is and that's why she never moved in with him or vice versa....I said yeah, but then you get a divorce and go on. WTF.

Again, just don't even know what to think or feel.....so glad I have a counseling session this afternoon. And naturally he has ignored my text.....

I feel nauseous. Someone in my other thread mentioned he sounded like he has sociopathic tendencies.....is that what this is? I am trying to process this all and don't know where to start or....god....I trusted him. Even if he was a disaster as a boyfriend, I thought we had a friendship and he constantly swore he would never cheat, he would never **** me over so I should relax....

SparkleKitty

So, what would it feel like for you if you deleted/blocked this person from all forms of communication?

Maddoc78

I did actually just block him....only way was via text/phone. He isn't on social.

How does it feel? I still feel all the feelings in my post. I just can't understand how there are people out there in this world that can live this way or do this to people.

SparkleKitty

Try not to get stuck on the need to understand. It rarely, if ever, happens. Focus instead on acceptance, and you will be able to move on.

trailmix

They are out there and they do this to other people.

Is he a sociopath? Doesn't really sound like it to me, he sounds like a drunk actually. In fact I didn't even find anything in your post to be surprising.

Is he actually married, possibly, then again, maybe not. It could be mind games.

Regardless, you now know, for a fact, how he is. You can't actually trust anything he tells you at this point, that does not a friendship make.

He is either married to someone or he isn't. The fact that he tells you both versions indicates there is something wrong with him. Why you would feel humiliated I'm not sure.

dandylion

words from my dear grandmother-----"It doesn't matter how the cow ate the cabbage---just that the cabbage has been eaten".

Maddoc78

I feel humiliated because.....I would never, ever be "the other woman." And he took me around people....so they knew. They looked at me and they knew and I just feel like garbage. I was the side chick to a drunken, anorexic mess that the rest of the bar looks at with pity. I was HIS side chick? WTF. I told him that part about going around his friends etc and they know and he said you don't care what those people think about you or if they respect you. You just care about my opinion and I love you. I said no, you don't love me....you don't even respect me.

Absolutely, I can't even trust this person as a friend. I think I grieve that most of all, I knew he was too much of a drunken mess to be boyfriend material. But I thought we could be friends in some way....but this, a friend doesn't do this to a friend.

Also....I am getting out of a long marriage. I have only been intimate with 3 people in my life, him being one....now I just feel disgusted like, oh my God, I am just another one of his women he will tell the next woman about and who knows what version she will hear.

I have always felt I am a classy, educated and dignified woman. And I fell for his lies....I am trying to be kind to myself. Addicts are master manipulators and liars. I did ask and push and he always backed down and said, "nah, I am not married, do you see a wife here? Do you see any women's **** here?" And, truth never did......

Nd819

His behavior sounds very similar to a dear friend of mines XAB, very irrational, lying, loved also to "mess" with people. My friend spent 7 years trying to help him, supported him through rehab, he was back to using within a week. When she finally got the strength to go no contact he turned into a horrible stalker, she now has a restraining order which he completely ignores. He calls and texts her vile things 100's of times a day. I'm only sharing this because that level of crazy can get really scary. I know how hard it is when you care so much but I really don't see much hope in the current situation.

trailmix

I really hope that once you have had time to think about this that you won't feel humiliated. Why would you take on his failings?

Let's pretend for a moment that he is married. That has nothing to do with you, you weren't even aware of it. That is all about him and has exactly zero to do with you.

As for his bar friends potentially judging you, seriously, that is not even worth worrying about for a minute. Why? Because you already know who you are and what you are about. Someone lying to you says nothing about you and speaks volumes about their character. If some others don't realize that, that's on them, not you.
Always remember as well, his "friends" know him just as you do, possibly better, they have also had mind games played and lies that got told and etc.
You two are not tied at the hip, what he does has nothing to do with your moral character.

Bekindalways

Heya Maddoc, this so so sucks and must really hurt in lots of ways.
Kudos to you for blocking him. Start putting together some time of no-contact. I actually counted days since I had last seen my addict when I first left him. Alcoholics do this when they stop drinking and chips are given out for reaching milestones . . . .I'm not sure if Alanon does this.
If you can at all do it, commit to spending some time single and doing some self-reflection. That you fell so hard for this guy points towards you having a few knots in your soul that you might to examine . . . . no judgment here; my own soul looks like bad macrame!!!

Nd819

Love this visual! Mine too .

Bekindalways

Hey Maddoc, how are you doing?

Maddoc78

Thanks for checking in....I am doing better in some ways, not in others. I was weak. I unblocked him.....after talking with friends, I really didn't think he would call me. He never responded to my text....and I guess I hoped he would. So I unblocked.

He called at 3 am. In a sense, it was good because I felt I got some closure from the conversation.

Basically, he said, "I know you hate me, I ****** you over and I am so, so sorry." I told him I do not hate him; side note that this has been a theme throughout the relationship, that he woudl do something hurtful and then be shocked that I didn't say I hated him and stayed calm. "Why don't you hate me? What can I do to make you hate me?".....I am proud that I stayed calm and didn't get emotional. I didn't give him what he was looking for.

I asked him why he wasn't upfront with me.....he said he didn't expect our relationship to become what it did, and as time went on and he cared more and more for me he just didn't know how to tell me. He should have and he was sorry. I said if you had been upfront with me, it would have saved me all this heartache and maybe we could have just gone forward knowing & as friends and nothing more. He said, "Heartache? You aren't heartbroken. No one can love me. I am unloveable, dont' give me that!" I said if I didn't care....why would I be upset? Why would I ask questions, why would I take this call, of course I cared about you! I said if it makes you feel better about what you did to me, thinking that way, go ahead but you know the truth is I cared. He said, yes, absolutely that would make me feel better. I said, well sorry, you know how special you were to me. And he just hung his head and said, yeah.

He insisted that I should talk to her, find her, look her up and he said, I guarantee she will make you miserable and she will be sure I end up with her and not you. She will beat the **** out of me once you talk to her. She has physically attacked me multiple times, even in front of people. This woman will not let me go....I said, M, that makes zero sense to me. You don't live with her, haven't for months......just file for divorce if you dont' want to be with her. You don't even live in the same state. He said anytime I mention it, she annoys the **** out of me and won't stop so I just drop it......And I said, what would be the point of me talking to her? I don't need to talk to her. Not going to do it.

Essentially according to him in 2018, he was still a divorced man ***** (his words), screwing a bunch of women and he met her, knew her for two months and married her in Sept. I know from all our talks, end of Oct that year he got his DUI. End of December that year, his house burned down. Most of the spring of 2019 was spent settling the legal issues related to the DUI.....He insists they only lived together for 3 weeks after he moved back into the house last June, it was horrible, they fought and he kicked her out. Whether she was living with him at the time of the fire...I don't know. When he told me the story of the fire he said his girlfriend at the time was there adn was horribly traumatized by the fact that the one dog died ....He said, you need to forget about me and move on with your life. I said, I am....YOU called ME. He said look....she will be the one to haul my body to bed in a month when I die of liver cancer or whatever else I get from the drinking. She will get to deal with that, not you....I told him I do not hate you. I feel sorry for you because I know how much I truly care for you, and we could have been good together. But you started this off with a lie and that ****** everything up. And you will never meet another woman like me, ever.

He said that the reason our sex life was so slow to start and then not frequent was because it just didn't feel right because in the back of his mind he knew he was married....even though they are separated, didnt' I notice that. I said, No, our sex life was what it was because you were constantly drunk. You loved your beer more than spending time with me---you stayed up to drink until you passed out.

We hung up....he called two more times within a few mins and I did not answer. He called a third time and I did answer and he said, "I know you hate me. YOu hate me right?" I said, No. But, I have one more question for you---why now? Why come clean now? He said, "THAT is what you want to know? " I said yes----because you had so many chances to tell me....why now? He said well why didn't you cut and run when you realized I was a drunk? Why? I said that was one thing....at that point I had feelings for you and I thought we coudl at least be friends. But I can't be friends with someone I can't trust and I can't trust you. You promised to always be open and honest...He said I was, except for this..and i am sorry. I did not set out to screw you over. I did not have this planned out and I love you. But yes, we have to be done because I am married. I said, yes, absolutely, we are done. I wish you all the best. He said be safe and I said, you too. Good bye.

The good: I feel I have some closure in the sense that he confirmed what we had was real. None of this was my fault, there is no way I could have known this, it is such a messed up situation. He is just such a sick, messed up person.......with zero self esteem and a death wish. He is totally resigned to the fact that he is unloveable, going to die of alcoholism and stuck with a physically abusive "wife." He did not set out to hurt me. There was no way I could have ever imagined that this was his reality when we started talking.....I mean, I am new to the dating scene but I feel like even people with some experience could get sucked into this situation. I remained calm and did not get emotional. I did not give him what he seems to crave----that I hate him. I hate what he did, but I don't hate him. It appears his life has truly spiraled out of control since marrying this person. But he is unwilling to take ownership and do anything to right his course; it is easier to just stay drunk and let her live out her life in another state. Those are his choices to make and he has decided. So be it. I can't save him and he doesn't want to be saved even if I could.....

The bad: it is truly heartbreaking to see someone I care about demonstrate such self hate. And hurts to know that I need to cut ties and that he will most likely be dead in a year.....and it is all avoidable. I wish I could have met him before.....before he spiraled. For whatever reason he married this woman after endless flings for like 6 years of singledom...He said, "I am sorry I came into your life and caused so much chaos." I am too because while I have good memories of our time together and I know we had no romantic future, I will always wonder his fate and feel sad that a brilliant man got so sucked into addition and mental illness that he gave up. I remember when we first started dating, it was his birthday and I sent him a text and said you know, I always think of a birthday as a second New YEar's Day. I hope your new year brings you happiness and better times. And he called me that night and said, " I read that over and over....it is such a beautiful outlook and I have just had the worst luck these last two years. For the first time I feel like I see a light at the end of the tunnel and I feel optimistic. So, thank you." SMH.....

Maddoc78

Re-reading my post and I have to say....I feel proud as well that I did not let him pivot blame to me. Like when he said that about the sex life and why didn't I leave when I realized he was an alcoholic?

Totally trying to pass the blame to me and not own his role....and I didn't allow it. Patting myself on the back. lol

Bekindalways

Sorry you caved back into this guy Maddoc. It happens. What happened with you (and all of us Codependents) is the same as a relapse for alcoholics. We unblock and answer that phone call the same way that an alcoholic goes back to the liquor store. It is excruciatingly difficult to stop drinking/contacting.

It is heartbreaking although perhaps not avoidable for him. Although we all have choices and some alcoholics do get sober, many just can't.
We are the mirror image of these alcoholics. Many times we can't leave them even though, theoretically, it is entirely possible.
Yeah you could have met this guy earlier but you would still have been a codependent and he would still have been an alcoholic progressing towards a life falling apart. It would not have been better at all.
What are you doing to take care of yourself? Have you found any information that helps with your situation?
I would love to hear you post something where you focus on "your side of the street" and not on your XBF who you can not change.
Big hug to you and take whatever is the "next right step" for you in your life.

Ariesagain

Please be careful, yes?
Have you blocked him again?
It’s a short step from telling him you don’t hate him and talking him down during his pity party to doing things to show you don’t hate him and he’s not worthless...and the next thing you know, you’re sucked in again.
I did it.  Don’t.

trailmix

<div><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I don't think it's wrong that you answered the phone and I'm glad you got some answers.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">As Aries said though, please be careful.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I believe what he actually wanted was for you to say you didn't hate him, which he got, not the other way around.&nbsp; It's kind of like when someone says are you SURE this looks ok on me??&nbsp; Even though you might believe it doesn't, having someone else reassure you it does, makes you feel better.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">You are right that he is a mess.&nbsp; His whole story is a mess and yes it is a shame, generally alcoholism and relationships with alcoholics are a tragedy of sorts.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">You will go on to find someone better for you and this will be a memory.&nbsp; I also hopes he sorts himself out but from what he has said I don't see that happening anytime soon.</span></div>

trailmix

Sorry about the formatting, looks like we are back at square one with that.

Maddoc78

Thanks all...I admit, after the call, I felt peace. Sad for him....but at peace that I wasn't crazy. And that he had zero expectation that I could save him and wasn't even trying to put that pressure on me. Still angry as hell that he mislead me for so long....so so angry. As I told him in my text and last night, there are no words because he could have been honest. I am still legally married and separated. That is all he had to say; the lying and subsequent heartache could have been avoided. I guess I just can't feel hate for him though because I do believe it was not intentional and he is not a bad guy at heart. He is just very, very mentally ill. And I accept my role, I could have cut and run the first time I saw that this really wasn't a compatible partner for me after that first date.

After the call, I remembered something from my family past that reminded me of this situation. My one aunt, when I was younger, she was a paralegal in a criminal defense law office. She had the kindest heart and always dated these loser guys----as my mom said, she dates the clients, she should be trying to get a lawyer. Anyway, the first boyfriend of hers I remember was named Gary. I don't remember him being a problem drinker in the sense that his drinking wasn't what ended it. His infidelity and lack of commitment to her was (she was of the mindset she had to be married by 30). She did meet that goal by marrying B., an active alcoholic with several DUIs. That didn't last long and she divorced and cut him out of her life.

Flash forward 25 years...aunt ended up going to school for nursing and is working in an extended care facility. Who comes in as a patient? Gary. He showed up as quadrapalegic after falling down the stairs while drunk and breaking his neck. Multitude of other alcohol induced illnesses...diabetic and blind from it. His wife was horribly abusive---as in she verbally abused him in front of the nursing staff. My aunt was horrified by the whole situation and Gary died soon after entering the facility due to his ailments. Her ex husband, B, died young as well from alcoholic issues (liver?).

Anyway....I mention this because I hadn't thought of those men in years and years. But as I listed to M talking about his lack of will to live, the abusive wife and general hopelessness, I thought----this man is gone. Even if he were not married, if I stayed with him, it won't end well for him, or for me. I can save myself.

velma929

If someone had lied to me about being married, my closure convo with him would have taken less time than it took for me to read your post. And I only skimmed it. You seem very, very very determined to take him on as a project. I wish you well