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How I helped my brother deal with alcoholism

Old 05-07-2020, 12:07 PM
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How I helped my brother deal with alcoholism

1
It was a cloudy day. One of those in which it was neither cold or hot. Satisfying so I didn’t hurt too much. Lately the pain in my joints and muscles seemed to be growing. Each day just a tiny bit worse, hardly noticeable unless I thought about it. My muscles hurt but the sun wasn’t out so my eyes didn’t hurt. Sometimes I swear even my eyebrows hurt, but today I had left the blinds shut in my home because I could really use that extra energy to do something else during the day. I never knew what it was but I always knew I could use every little bit I could.

Other than that, it was the first time I would visit my brother in a while. And the first time with the problem he had. I had not been around much even though we all lived in the same city. We had turned into the kind of family that talked when we did and not the rest.

I had walked into his home and was surprised to see our little sister there. She was upset. Maybe our mom had called me and I had gone over to help. I don’t remember. I just remember our sister being upset, and a bit disgusted in an attempt to hide her fear and pain. She was on the phone with our mom. I stood still taking in the scene. My brother was sprawled out on the couch in pain or anger – I still couldn’t tell. And I probably asked what was going on. I was told that our brother was drunk and, basically, not functioning so much anymore. I knew what to do. Play it step by step, gather information, take control.

I was on the phone now with our mom. All I did at this moment was assess and feedback to see what I could leverage. Keep gaining more and more control – that is key. All I needed to do was hold the responsibility for those in the room. I had learned to do this in self-improvement workshops. Not everybody teaches it either. Actors, public speakers, story tellers, salesman, even the police get training in how to do this. I had first heard about it when a Buddhist monk holds your “cup” for you. A good therapist can do the same thing. It’s like someone is holding your emotional state so you don’t fall anymore.

No, that’s not all I was doing. There was another side to it as well. It wasn’t enough to hold the room. I also had to project that I was in charge now even though I was also projecting that I wasn’t in control at the same time. I was leading – not manipulating.

Aren’t most family’s and relationships in life this complicated?

And, well, all life is complicated.

It was as if I was stepping out onto a ledge to hold the space. You become vulnerable to have more control. In three different ways. Being responsible, listening and learning, looking deeper to see everything that is going on, interactive, taking charge without being in control. Hmmm, yes, that seems to cover it all now.

I had asked what was going on when my sister shoved the phone into my hands and said our brother was drunk – AGAIN. And stormed off. My mom was saying things like my brother needed help. But didn’t seem to eager to want to help.

I asked something like, “What are we going to do.”. And I was surprised by my brother’s response of wanting to go to rehab. I even remember feeling a flicker of surprise at how easy this was going to be. But I had to forget that thought quickly. People can be very perceptive sometimes. He wanted to go to rehab? Wow, it was going to be easy hero day for me!

Short lived was my joy. My sister was back now and between her and my mom there was absolutely going to be no money for rehab again for my brother. It didn’t take me too long to realize this had been a long and painful problem for my family. I didn’t know how much money had already been spent. I still don’t. I was lucky I hadn’t been a part of it. The rest of the family was a bit fed up with it. And done paying for it.

Lucky for my brother (or maybe it was my chance at redemption), I was still a bit new to this.

Oh, of course I had known he was an alcoholic. There was no way not too. I think he had just been fired again from a good job for it. But now was a chance for me to actually do something to help. And I seized only the bit that I could. All I did in that moment was simply repeat back and forth what my sister and mom were saying to my brother and back again. It sounds stupid and worthless writing it here like this because words without the emotional tone around them are empty. That is what I had to do. With each repeated statement I fed into it just enough feeling and steered the conversation. It was a feeling of looking for what can be done. What the other wanted to do. And what anybody would actually do. I really didn’t know if anything was going to shift.

The conversation went something like this (after my first question, “What are we going to do?”.

Sister, “Nothing, he just keeps . . .”, and walks off again crying.

Brother starts shouting in pain and despair.

Me saying to Mom, “Sister says Brother is drunk again.”

Mom, “Yes”.

Me, “Well, what are we going to do?”.

Mom and sister, “nothing we can do. He just gets drunk again.”.

Brother at this moment throws me a bone with a pain strangled cry, “I need to go to rehab.”.

Aha, I finally had some movement. Someone willing to take just a little step and offer action. It was brief and small but I had been watching for it and working the room, so to speak, to get it. I was ready and leveraged it. You only have the emotional room that they give you to do it too. I was on point and didn’t leverage all of his vulnerability when I repeated to mom and sister that he had asked for rehab. This is another key point. I didn’t use all of the opportunity my brother had just offered. I couldn’t. I still had to leave him some to build trust with me and let him become even more responsible.

Clearly, I had been able to gain some room with him already just for him to be able to ask for rehab. I was going to make sure he had some more room left as I used his emotion to further the conversation with mom and sister.

“So where do we take him to rehab?”, I said.

“I’m not paying for rehab,” they both replied. Apparently, family had already paid for much rehab or therapy already and not gotten the results wanted. Why pay for more of what doesn’t work? I could understand that even though I felt a bit uncomfortable with it. After all, I hadn’t been burned as much during the two decades my brother had been drunk. Mom and sister were talking from a place of frustration and failure I realized.

I certainly didn’t have the money either. I didn’t even have a job then.

“They’re not paying for rehab,”, I said back to brother which brought out another manic yell sounding more deathlike than his last sentence.

No need for me to say anything this time. Everyone heard.

“A private facility won’t take him anyway until he’s sobered up,” my sister is saying. She is now on another phone calling around for help. My relief is starting to feel good. We are making progress. Every little bit I leverage. Maybe my sister is doing the same thing as I am. I have no idea. It doesn’t seem like it. But I don’t have the time to find out, nor do I want to risk it.

“Well, how long does he need to get sober?”, I’m thinking a few hours. I didn’t know it was required to be a few days because of “he might get drunk again.”. I think, “what a stupid system that can’t help you until you are sober.”

Brother screams out again, as I am telling mom and sister that he wants to go to rehab. (It was my only leverage at the time. It was all I could say. But it was all in how I said it. Communicating through my tone that he is still saying he wants help and if we do something constructive, we move forward another step).

Now, about this time, you, the reader, could easily be thinking I’m making up how much nonverbal communication is happening. So let’s think this through. Remember that last time your mom or girlfriend was upset with you? Remember how they can communicate seven different emotional states in just one sentence? And remember the look you get right after they finish that one sentence? That look that carries three different clearly communicated thoughts to you? That’s all that was happening. And all I was doing was relaying info and emotionally leveraging a little bit each time.

So let’s wrap this up.

Not paying for rehab and wanting to go to rehab get relayed back and forth a couple of times. I hold the space for a few moments to let everyone realize where we are, when my brother screams out, “I am not going to state rehab.”.

Ah, ha! I have something to leverage my brother with now. But I don’t. I use it for him instead. To use his pain and disgust of having to go to state rehab against him would be pressuring and poorly manipulating him. He was vulnerable and risked. I had to honor that. Mom and sister are both still upset and don’t hear it. The underlying pain and desperation from brother. Maybe mom does. She has been in sales her whole life. Who knows though? I didn’t care. That’s not what this is about. Fortunately, I recognize my sister is not trying any feminist games with me and I continue to maintain leadership and control. Lucky me. I get to use brothers’ pain on them.

“He says he wants to go to rehab but is definitely not going to a state facility to dry out first. I lend into the tone how awful it must be from the screaming and yelling of my brother. But I still get a no pay – no go from mom and sister.

And so, I settle into the relay pain and wait game. Back and forth. Someone’s going to give. Brother is stilled loved by the family even though they are financially tapped out. Someone is going to give and all I have to do is simply play one against the other. Without even having to manipulate or pressure. The pain in the room is felt by all and that is all that is needed.

Back and forth. No state rehab and no pay for a humane dry out first.

And then it happens. My brother shifts. There isn’t a break down or give up that comes from pressure and manipulation. This is good. It is a realization. An ownership. Maybe he’s sobering up a little – I think. Nope, there’s that blood curdling scream again. Only now he says he will sober up at home. I wonder if he is too drunk to remember this commitment later.

It is enough for now. The ownership of it. And I have him. From this point on out over the next several months I remember this moment. He can make a commitment. He is capable of taking some more responsibility.

My sister and I hang out for a while to make sure things go ok. They don’t. Does it ever go ok?
Brother just wonders around the house, making a mess, screaming, crying. Slowly getting a little sober.


2
He kept his word. He sobered himself up that week. problems he must have from being drunk literally every day of his adult life – I found out a bit later – no exaggeration, pretty much every day of his adult life he was drinking heavily. He is probably about 33 years old at this time.


I begin working with him about addiction. Only two things I do for now.
What pain (emotional or physical) is he turning away from to cover with addiction?
And how can he manage his emotional pain better than he has been?
This is the whole crux of it. Trust was earned, and not abused.

I spend the next several weeks coming over everyday to drive my brother to AA Meetings. What else is there to do? No money for rehab or therapy. I make him do all the planning though. He needs to be making as many decisions as he can for himself that he can. Except money. We took his money – wallet, credit cards, debit cards, checking account, his ID – all locked up. He’s not too responsible yet to have money to spend. AA meetings though – he did it all: locations, times, places, deciding which one, all of it except I’m there to make sure he follows through by driving him to one. Having to go over there every day and drag him to AA meetings because that is the only option we have. One time I arrived and said, “Get in the car. We’re going to a meeting.”. His reply was, “I don’t want to go to a meeting.” – I yell back, “I didn’t ask you if you wanted to go to a meeting. I said get in the ******* car we’re going to a meeting!”. I didn’t know what he was going to do until he stomped around for a bit, finally got his coat in a huff. has the curtesy to not punch me in the face as he walks by. We didn’t say much on the ride over. But he looked like he felt a lot better afterwards.

Didn’t drink again for a while. How long was it? A month? Three months? I don’t remember really. That’s not how I was working this. I was just seeing how long he could go before a relapse. I wanted a base line.

The shame of falling off the wagon.

When I find out he is drunk again even after we take away his car and money. The astonishment and surprise at his tenacity to dig through the couch for $1.50 and walk six miles to the store to buy the cheapest vodka he can find. Amazing. My reply, “Well, ****. How can anybody be expected to stay sober? They might as well back a truck up to your door and drop off free liquor.”. But it was all in how I said it. It was owning the exaggeration.

It’s embarrassing and humiliating for him. He probably struggled a bit to tell me about it. I believe he talked with his sponsor at AA about it first. I just shrugged off the incident. I know an addict is likely to relapse and said so. We would review what happened, discuss better management, go deeper into what is happening. The weakness experienced when being an alcoholic takes over again. What I was after was how it would all go down. I needed to know everything that was going on so I could use it to help him.

What pain (emotional or physical) is he turning away from to cover with addiction? What amazes me about this is I don’t even need to know what their emotional pain is. That can get personal so fast. Some people do better talking about it while others do better processing it internally. I have little interest in hearing about such personal problems my brother doesn’t want to talk about. After all, we’re going to have to see each other after I get him through this. Now, physical pain? People have little to hide there. Plus, it helps clarify my work if he needs to see a medical doctor or something.

Having to sit through AA meetings that drive me nuts and make me want to just start drinking. Literally. I don’t even drink but I want too now. Here I am waking up after an AA meeting with emotional projection running through me. I feel like having a drink. Amazing. No, I didn’t. It wasn’t that strong of a feeling, plus my own personal hell delivered a strong enough pain on its own that I just let the feeling pass.

It wasn’t that I hated the meetings, it was that I didn’t get conversation. And I had a hard time dealing with people sometimes with my own problems. But not talking? That was one of my only releases for my pain.




3
The financial problems just add to the pain unfortunately. It is part of becoming more responsible. Everyone around you (and you) wants to know if you can handle your finances better. Only punishing you financially is a poor, short term remedy. Like when brother drives to the next city over to visit family. He gets pulled over for not signaling a lane change. He was also driving without having a driver’s license. That was painful. And a financial punishment.

At some point during all this my brother mentions how his brain has probably been damaged from all the hard drug use and alcohol he’s had over the years. The hard drug abuse he was able to stop on his own several years prior to now. And he does have a point – addiction holds on to you, changes you deeply. I rose to the challenge. It was direct, hard, and firm speaking to him. Holding that cup again at an intense level with, “No”, I couldn’t let even the slightest out be available for him. And I was still a complete believer in mind over matter at the time. My belief supported him. Also, he was quite good about life and people at times anyway. There was simply no evidence that complete recovery was not obtainable. Or maybe I just believed in him.

Family is the most difficult to help. Everyone knows – or at least they learn quickly that being close to someone creates more problems than a professional has to deal with. Therapists call this transference and counter transference. On the other hand, family and social support is important to someone struggling. Therapists call this transference and counter transference.
Having to stay out of his way while still being there to help is so tricky

Knowing I am helping him but my own pain is causing me to make some mistakes. What do you do? You keep going.










We talk mostly about where he is already at. Hardly anything at all about what he needs to do. He knows that – stop drinking, stay sober. All I have to do is talk about different ways that people do their inner work. Somethings going to catch his attention. It always does with people. There is always something that will reach them or else they would be dead. I liked to say, “If you get out of bed in the morning and get dressed that’s enough motivation for me to work with.”. Did I mention I had a background in sales as well as having read every book on self-improvement I could get my hands on over the years? It’s all in how you say. The delivery is everything. Any frustration I have is because of my own inability to share and converse well. It has nothing to do with them except for anything they are willing to take responsibility and ownership for. What state are they in? Well, that tells me what they need. I do my best to give that to them. Sincerity goes a long way to compensate for lack of any skill. I take ownership of my part without blaming myself or him about his part. People always do what’s in their own best interest. All I have to do is help them see a bit more at a time that being healthy, responsible, and appropriate is in their best interest.



The moment when he starts to go to meetings on his own.

It’s a big thing. I’m not gonna lie. I was impressed and didn’t take it away from him by taking credit for it. I did my part and he did his. We just enjoyed it for what it was. I never had the expectation he would start going on his own. Because I never thought about it. While also not belittling him for driving him to meetings myself. We just did what we could at the time and held our ground as viscously as we could while expecting that eventually progress would be made somehow. Intention was more important than specific goals that can easily way a person down. Holding an intention, returning to your lost intention is still a goal in itself. We both knew what the goal was. Stop drinking. That’s it. No need in drumming that over and over. Let’s either do emotional work or enjoy finally being able to relax from emotional work (this comes later, mostly it’s turmoil and pain at the first). Or go exercise or do something else to have a break from doing emotional work and struggle.


When I stop going with him altogether must have hurt him. While also making him feel good, I hope, that I went to so many before telling him I hated going. He never realized how much I hated going to meetings. But I liked spending time with him – that helped me a lot. Maybe I could find another reason to like going again.


Discovering the book – Beyond the Twelve Steps

“You helped me more than you will every know,” is the thank you and I love you I get from him one day. I am already taking credit for what I know I did. But he still has the decency to take a moment and be sure I understand that I’ve helped him more than I will ever know.
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