Ekohe

Hey everyone,ÂÂ
Not doing too well, after having a great week last week, I ended up drinking friday night, saturday and sunday. Almost as if I went on autopilot it feels like I just lost two days. Yesterday I was in bed all day, today I feel physically much better but my anxiety is quite bad.I am drinking lots of water, and eating fruits and veggies. I have messaged my old sponsor and am at a point of desperation, even though I have gone on longer binges, this feels a lot more like my bottom than any previous relapse. I had 364 days last year, drank on christmas, then stayed sober till my birthday in february, and now have binged most weekends from mid march till now.
Would love suggestions and have a very open mind. I've given up in a way on me knowing whats best for me as its always lead my back to this place. When I have remained sober in the passed it was basically white knuckling, and I set the expectation that everything else would improve if I just quit. I think that I am a good man, but not when it comes to the dialogue I have with myself. I want to get better, not just for myself but for my family and for others.
Thank you for reading, means a lot to me.

Anna

I'm sorry you decided to drink but I'm glad you're back here and posting.

I think that stopping drinking is the first step, but that alone will fix everything. I needed to make many lifestyle changes to support my recovery. I removed some people from my life, got involved in old hobbies and began regular exercising. Are there some things you could do help you feel better?

Ekohe

Yeah definitely, I will have to leave some drinking friendships behind, and definitely start some sort of exercise routine. That has in the past done wonders for my mental health.

SoberLeigh

Sorry to hear that you drank, Ekohe. Very glad, though, that you are here.

It is often said that true recovery involves much more than simply not drinking. During those 364 sober days, what were you doing for your recovery? Did you cultivate any face-to-face support; what about support groups such as AA, SMART Recovery? Did you keep a journal, a gratitude list, practice meditation, dig deep into your life?


I guess that my point is that it seems so very necessary that sobriety and recovery seep into your core, become who and what you are, become a source of joy and self-esteem.


You are so very worth lasting sobriety and recovery.

Ekohe

So I did work with a sponsor, and did the steps as well as attended meetings in the first 4 months. I did notice a benefit to having that sense of community, but I got too "confident" I guess that I could go it alone, and did for a while. Then I worked with an addiction therapist, but only told half truths as I think I was scared of what might come out if I was completely open. I will not make that mistake again when this pandemic lightens a bit and can see a therapist.

sugarbear1

You called your old sponsor, so you aren't new.
What are the things you have done to stay stopped in your past?What are things you did NOT do when you tried sobriety before?
I strongly suggest you journal as much as possible today about how bad things can get (while it's fresh in your mind).
Find someone to sponsor you. You don't need to get along, you don't need to be best friends; you need someone who knows how to guide someone through those 12 steps. Get through step 7 as soon as possible (you can always revisit the steps in your future).
Sobriety is action, get moving! For now, that means doing whatever it takes NOT to drink!!! You got this!

Surrendered19

I'm sorry you have been struggling Ekohe. That sucks. One of the main things you can do is play the tape forward to predict how you will feel after a binge. Write down the 10 worst drawbacks to going on a bender then have the sheet laminated so it is preserved. Confusion, sweating in the morning, organ pain, GI malfunction, chest pains, money spent, time wasted passed out, drunk texting, relationships harmed, etc. Then before you pick up a drink to start a new bender, look at your list and put a check mark by every single drawback indicating that you are willing to go back there for a few moments of maniacal high followed by the certainty of "The List." Just one idea.
I have never been sober in my adult life until nearly 6 months ago. 30+ years of pathetic and vile hell. I now wake up every morning and remember what a struggle that life was. The daily physical rewards of not drinking are enormous for me because I was nearly dead. But I made my list too and I look at it when drinking drifts into my head. My list is very long with 50 or 60 drawbacks, some very unpleasant. What a great motivator it is.
For me it all comes down to wanting quiet, calm and clear mornings and so many more hours in the day to fill with whatever I choose.

Tryharder2

I’ve had a similar time you you Ekohe, sober a year, drank a few times...started to drink more, more often and since March it’s been pretty dire. Really good to see you joined the class. We can do this, did it once and we can do it again!

Ekohe

I love that idea sugarbear, I actually just wrote a letter to myself to read "if you're ever thinking about picking up a drink, read me first" Detailing just how awful the anxiety is right now, and how terrible day one is. And how bad it has progressed throughout the years. I always made a note of how that 364 days of sobriety wasnt easy, but how much more well equipped i was for dealing with things with a sober mind. Thank you for the recommendation!
Just read your post as well and will broaden my list, Surrendered. Thank you so much.I am hoping to saved myself from another many years of misery. Just turned 29 in feb, and don't want to drag this on into my thirties. I need to change my life around so that I can be a better person for everyone around me.

Ekohe

Yes tryharder, I am with you!

TiredCarpenter

We alcoholics are given a pretty tough lot in life.

Accepting that, I can see that we are also given greater supports than sufferers of any other disease.


If I can stay in my heart, not my head, then I have some chance to learn and grow.


None of us know what the future holds. Be kind to yourself today. Do what is good.

So glad you are here with us! Stay in touch.

b0glerd69

Hi Ekohe, your post resonated with me. I have been sober for 2.5 years and not relapsed but I got here through various aborted attempts where I was sober for many months at a time followed by a binge.
Looking back on this time, I was still wrestling with the idea that I could still drink.
For me, I had to get to the stage where instinctively and completely, I understood, deep inside, that drinking is not an option and it will lead to all the misery that had become so frequent for me after each binge. I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink.
Good luck in your journey and keep posting

Ekohe

Thank you, yeah I think I have known that for a few years, judging by my passed post, but I let time pass without keeping my tools close so over time I would forget the pain of binge drinking. I am glad I have had some decent time healing and some of my posts give me hope of what I can achieve again if I do the work. Hard to see the light when the pain of day 2 is here

Ekohe

Feeling much better after a long walk, and eating some fruits and veggies all day. I feel quite depressed though which I'm sure is normal; general thoughts are "I can't believe I'm here after all these years of trying to quit" I am trying to catch those and remind myself that I should also be proud of the two 6 month stints sober, and then the last one which was nearly a year. I can do this. I have to put together a list of things that worked, follow them and add to them, and things that I know trigger or put me at risk, and avoid those when I can. I also need to be a presence here, this site and all you wonderful people have been what got me through some of my toughest times in the passed few years. I want to spend 29 healing, and go into my 30's in the best shape of my life. Mentally, physically and spiritually.

Tetrax

Good to see you back. Stick around and post often

On The Road

Hey Ekohe

I’m impressed that you whiteknuckled it for 364 days. That’s a sign of determination. So why not combine that with a “plan” to help you when things get tough? Think about it like a tool box - you use a saw to cut wood, not a hammer, right?

So when you’re in a specific situation, let’s say a Christmas party - you might set a specific time to attend so you can get out before being tempted. Or maybe make an excuse not to go?

Make it a daily goal to go to bed sober - no matter what.

Maybe you can start exercising or change your routine to make it more intense?

How about meditating?

Maybe watch comedy on YouTube??

The point is, you have the opportunity to create a new path for yourself to actively engage in things you like to do or never tried before.

Then when you get tempted to drink you’ll remember how crappy you felt after a binge and realize that you’ll be missing out on the stuff that really matters.

Ekohe

Thank you, wasn't the best idea to white knuckle, but at least it gave my body time to heal and showed me I can do this. Weekends seem to be my trigger so I think I need to get some structure on the weekends, I have had so much time now with this pandemic and didn't fill my days, easy to use "boredom" as an excuse I guess. This weekend I will work during the days and at night come home and fill out a "vision board" as well as write out a plan for sobriety to read each morning and at the end of the day.

b0glerd69

Hi Ekohe, I struggled with boredom in the first few months before I made a few changes. Nothing too dramatic. I took up sport again to fill some time at weekends, at times when I would be contemplating drinking, drinking or hungover.. for me it was golf, 2 rounds at the weekend is 8 hours of not drinking and really enjoying some freedom from family life. I also started going out to gigs and shows sober, also restaurants and really enjoy the food, I play online games and read a lot, find shows that interest me, generally muck around on my PC, learn Python, play with Linux, etc.. I look back on what my free time used to be - drunk, hungover, Jekyll and Hyde, depressed, anxious, ashamed, etc.. and the difference is huge!! You'll find things to fill the time in healthy ways, soon.. I'm always on the look out for other things. Exercise is next for me, start running again, do some weights, etc. Maybe set up a wee target of a 10km run in a few months (if we are over C19 by then).. etc.

Hevyn

Happy to see you back and resolving to stay sober. The fun it once was is gone - it brings us nothing but misery and regret. That won't ever change. It sounds like you've learned something valuable, Ekohe - and you can stay free.

Ekohe

Thank you for the suggestions b0glerd, boredom definitely is a big trigger for me, that and anxiety. Taking up sports and exercise have always helped me with both of those.
Thank you Hevyn. It hasn't been fun for a very, very long time. Misery and regret is kind of where I'm at but it's what makes me want to change. Yeah I have learned quite a few lessons over the years trying to quit - wish I didn't have to learn that I can never moderate so many times.
I am doing okay, end of day 3. Got some work done today, and did some quotes. Doing a zoom meeting with my local AA group, and feeling much better than day 1 and 2.