Lina30x

Hello everyone. This is new to me. I have been with my husband since I was 17 yrs old. He has been addicted to drinking and drugs the whole time, I just didn't know it right away. By the time I realized it, I was stuck in. Not sure why I stayed through all the drama and chaos he brought. It was craziness over the years. But in his words, we had good moments too. Yes, we did. As he has hit his 50s and I am not far behind, things have changed for me. He is still saying the same things, promising the same promises. But now I am looking at the the destruction and sadness that has been in my life. I question the lives of my two sons and how different it could have been for them. We have experienced great trauma two years ago and that is when things changed for me. I hold guilt and blame towards my husband. He keeps talking about healing and getting through things. But I think I am finally broken. Especially since he just came back from another treatment facility and not more than one week later, he has "slipped". I am looking for support and clarity. He is talented in manipulating the situation. I am good at just closing down, then getting angry as he tells me that if i read books or educated myself on how to handle an addict I wouldn't be bringing him down, I would be encouraging him. It's hard. I truly am beginning to not care anymore. He constantly makes these messes that he wants my help or opinion on.
Now that I have ranted, thank you and I look forward to feedback and getting know you all.

ironwill

Hi Lina,
Thank you for sharing.ÂÂ You are not broken,ÂÂ you are waking up to the reality of caring and loving an alcoholic.ÂÂ You stayed cause you had hope things would change.ÂÂ He would get help and then it would be all better.ÂÂ As you can see he goes to these treatment facilities, but then slips again.ÂÂ Is he in any ongoing program (AA).ÂÂ That is the only way he has a chance to being successful.ÂÂ Most alcoholics are good at manipulating a situation.ÂÂ My RAW was the same way.ÂÂ I didn't even see it most of the time.ÂÂ ÂÂ He tells you not to educate your self cause he is trying to keep you in your place.ÂÂ He knows that if you read up about the effects alcohol has on a person you will wake up to the reality that you are in.ÂÂ He doesn't want that to happen.ÂÂ You need to take care of yourself and do educate yourself on the effects of alcohol and an addict.ÂÂ I know you love your husband, but you need to look after your happiness also.ÂÂ Just know you can come here and talk all you want.ÂÂ We are here to give support and advice the best we can.ÂÂ Keep being strong.

trailmix

Hi Lina and welcome! Glad you found us.

So he is talented at manipulating the situation, not surprising since he has had years of practice.

As for encouraging him, that is not your role and I'm sure you have spent many an hour "encouraging" him to do the right thing and had many heart to heart talks about how this affects you and your children. How did that pan out?

You are not wrong you know. I completely understand how you may have had enough. Nothing changes if nothing changes right?
You are not responsible for his drinking, please know that. Whether you are "encouraging" or not, his drinking has nothing to do with you. He wants to drink and he is, it's as simple and complex as that. Blaming someone else for his alcoholism is alcoholism 101.

I hope you will keep posting and you may want to check out the stickies at the top of the forum, lots of valuable wisdom there, in particular these threads found under About Recovery/Classic Reading:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

FeelingGreat

Hi sorry you've landed here, but glad you've found us.
Obviously you are to blame for him not sobering up, because if you'd supported him properly and in an 'educated' way he would be sober now. Glad we cleared that up.
I think you'll find a pretty good education on living with an A on this forum. Look around, read some of the threads and stickies to start with.
Think about your future, assuming that he continues with the 'slips' ramping up, rehab cycle. Where does it leave you emotionally and financially? You might love him enough to stick around, or you might want to decouple and look after yourself.
While you're thinking this over, can I suggest you put aside some money as a contingency fund, maybe seek some legal advice, and think about alternative accommodation? It doesn't mean you have to pull the pin right now, or any time, but it can be super helpful if you do.
Start focusing on yourself now and what's good for your welfare. Your AH doesn't sound like he will be in true recovery any time soon, so plan around the reality, not the hope.