He came off the ventilator — Thought it would be better...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2020
Posts: 9
He came off the ventilator — Thought it would be better...
Hello, I’m not sure if any of you remember me... I was here end of Feb, beginning of March to share about my BF, of 5-6 years who is an alcoholic. I’m sorry for not returning, but I quickly became even more sick than I already was, and likely had the COVID19 my family thinks though wasn’t tested.  It’s not been long since I’ve been back to semi-normal.Â
My BF came off the ventilator. Â He survived. Doctors still say Pneumonia with horrible withdrawals. He was lucky to survive, being he was so very very sick. He was kicked out of hospital only 2 days after coming off the vent. He was there 13 days I think it was. He said that was the straw that broke the camels back. Â He was done done with drinking. I believed him, how could anyone feel like drinking again after something so drastic! I did let him know if it happened again, he was out of my home and life.Â
He’s been out since middle of March. Â Things were going great, his fun laid back personality was there. It was like the man I fell in love with all over again. Â It was maybe a week and a half ago, I saw the old personality shine through, I quickly became suspicious, but let him tell me he was in a bad mood bc of feeling so worn down. I believed him.Â
Another morning, woke up and he took the car and left. Came back 45 later and assumed I was asleep the whole time, and told me he only drove down to mailbox. This isn’t true, but I let it go. Â Finally I start recognizing the pattern, I wake up earlier than usual and he’s gone. Or I get in the shower and he leaves. Recently it’s been, going to go get gas for the mower. Â
I finally had enough today and looked on my credit card statement online and theirs been these $4.00 and $6.00 purchases at the mini mart, nearly everyday. Â No gas there. Â I called them, told them I saw my credit card has been being used, and would like to know what was being bought. Â Today... 3 Tall Boy cans of Beer.Â
I am devastated. It’s no wonder his anger is returning. He’s drinking again. I am so so sad. I am sitting here sick to my stomach still. Â We were supposed to go help his mother and sister with emptying out the basement this afternoon, and I was so mad - I refused to go. He asked for credit card to buy “gas” and I refused. I said take a car that has gas. He ended up throwing a fit and not going. I now feel guilty as he should’ve been there to help. But, I was so mad and definitely not giving him money.
He has no job. Â I called his sister and told her what was happening as she always asks for updates, and she said she was tired of it and so was her mom. I said well, I told him he can’t stay if he started again, and she said well he can’t come here. I don’t think my mom will let him either. I called his mom, and she told me the same thing - I’m sorry but no, he’s not coming here. No way. She’s done. She can’t take it anymore.Â
So now what... kick him on the street? Â I can’t. Â Currently he’s still pissed at me, and said he will live and sleep in his truck on my property and only way he will leave is if the police make him, which they won’t do. Â He’s lived here too long.Â
I don’t know what to do.Â
My BF came off the ventilator. Â He survived. Doctors still say Pneumonia with horrible withdrawals. He was lucky to survive, being he was so very very sick. He was kicked out of hospital only 2 days after coming off the vent. He was there 13 days I think it was. He said that was the straw that broke the camels back. Â He was done done with drinking. I believed him, how could anyone feel like drinking again after something so drastic! I did let him know if it happened again, he was out of my home and life.Â
He’s been out since middle of March. Â Things were going great, his fun laid back personality was there. It was like the man I fell in love with all over again. Â It was maybe a week and a half ago, I saw the old personality shine through, I quickly became suspicious, but let him tell me he was in a bad mood bc of feeling so worn down. I believed him.Â
Another morning, woke up and he took the car and left. Came back 45 later and assumed I was asleep the whole time, and told me he only drove down to mailbox. This isn’t true, but I let it go. Â Finally I start recognizing the pattern, I wake up earlier than usual and he’s gone. Or I get in the shower and he leaves. Recently it’s been, going to go get gas for the mower. Â
I finally had enough today and looked on my credit card statement online and theirs been these $4.00 and $6.00 purchases at the mini mart, nearly everyday. Â No gas there. Â I called them, told them I saw my credit card has been being used, and would like to know what was being bought. Â Today... 3 Tall Boy cans of Beer.Â
I am devastated. It’s no wonder his anger is returning. He’s drinking again. I am so so sad. I am sitting here sick to my stomach still. Â We were supposed to go help his mother and sister with emptying out the basement this afternoon, and I was so mad - I refused to go. He asked for credit card to buy “gas” and I refused. I said take a car that has gas. He ended up throwing a fit and not going. I now feel guilty as he should’ve been there to help. But, I was so mad and definitely not giving him money.
He has no job. Â I called his sister and told her what was happening as she always asks for updates, and she said she was tired of it and so was her mom. I said well, I told him he can’t stay if he started again, and she said well he can’t come here. I don’t think my mom will let him either. I called his mom, and she told me the same thing - I’m sorry but no, he’s not coming here. No way. She’s done. She can’t take it anymore.Â
So now what... kick him on the street? Â I can’t. Â Currently he’s still pissed at me, and said he will live and sleep in his truck on my property and only way he will leave is if the police make him, which they won’t do. Â He’s lived here too long.Â
I don’t know what to do.Â
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
I'm sorry this is happening to you If you are serious about the boundary you made, then let him go live in his truck - You are not responsible for him, he can go get a job or unemployment or get shelter at the homeless shelter or whatever he decides to do, you are not on earth to prop him up.
He has made his choice, you told him no drinking or he can't live there, he decided to drink. If you back down now just know that he will then never take you seriously if you threaten to take action or ask him to leave.
It's hard, I know, but your only other option is to continue on as is and just accept his drinking, he is obviously going to continue drinking regardless.
He has made his choice, you told him no drinking or he can't live there, he decided to drink. If you back down now just know that he will then never take you seriously if you threaten to take action or ask him to leave.
It's hard, I know, but your only other option is to continue on as is and just accept his drinking, he is obviously going to continue drinking regardless.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
UnrealCat. Your's is a position that many, many people come to this forum in.It is not that uncommon. Those who have been drinking for m any years, to the point that their body starts to break down. and they get life threatening withdrawl.He has been treated for the pneumonia and withdrawl, BUT, he has not been treated for the alcoholism. The alcoholism will not go away, and it is very powerful. He would need to be in a group, like AA, and adhering to the group intensely.I am surprised that the hospital did not approach him about going to rehab after he was out of the ICU. This is the standard approach. (Unless they tried and he would not have anything to do with it). After inpatient rehab, the usual plan is to go to sober living facility for an extended length of time. Just so you know.
If he continues to drink and live on your property or whatever, he will, no doubt, be in the same situation, again. So, you will need to be prepared.I have worked in hospital most of my life, so I will give you this hint----the next time he is in the hospital, the social services department is required to make a "discharge plan". If the patient wants to simply go home, and tells them that there is someone, there, to take care of them---that is where they are discharged to. If you contact the social services department at the hospital, and tell them that he is not allowed to come back to your house---that you will not take care of him---they will discharge him somewhere else OR a Nursing Facility.In any case, he would be out of your house.
I know this is very difficult for you. Maybe, you could attend alanon meetings to get the moral support that you will need. If the meetings are not being held due to Covid Virus, you can attend online meetings.
By the way---there are online AA meetings, also.
If he continues to drink and live on your property or whatever, he will, no doubt, be in the same situation, again. So, you will need to be prepared.I have worked in hospital most of my life, so I will give you this hint----the next time he is in the hospital, the social services department is required to make a "discharge plan". If the patient wants to simply go home, and tells them that there is someone, there, to take care of them---that is where they are discharged to. If you contact the social services department at the hospital, and tell them that he is not allowed to come back to your house---that you will not take care of him---they will discharge him somewhere else OR a Nursing Facility.In any case, he would be out of your house.
I know this is very difficult for you. Maybe, you could attend alanon meetings to get the moral support that you will need. If the meetings are not being held due to Covid Virus, you can attend online meetings.
By the way---there are online AA meetings, also.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if he is able to manage to get booze and consume booze, in light of ALL that has happened, then he can damn sure find somewhere to live. he wants to be a big boy and play big boy games? then he can hitch up his big boy pants and figure it out.
that he has no job is not YOUR fault.that his family has had enough of him is not your fault. don't be so sure that he can't find somewhere to go. addicts are extremely resourceful and have a lot more connections than just us.
that he has no job is not YOUR fault.that his family has had enough of him is not your fault. don't be so sure that he can't find somewhere to go. addicts are extremely resourceful and have a lot more connections than just us.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,547
"I did let him know if it happened again, he was out of my home and life."
The challenge here is that you've issued an ultimatum when you had no intention of following through. At this point, he holds all the cards. You can't force him to stop, and now he knows the threats are empty ones. You *don't want* to put him out. It's still a choice, even if it's a difficult one.
You may be correct that the police can't make him leave.Why should they? He hasn't broken any law. Given the time he's lived with you, you may have to go to court and have him evicted, which I suspect is a civil issue, not a criminal one.
His own mother doesn't want him in her home. Why in the world should YOUR mother even be asked? I can't even fathom that.
The challenge here is that you've issued an ultimatum when you had no intention of following through. At this point, he holds all the cards. You can't force him to stop, and now he knows the threats are empty ones. You *don't want* to put him out. It's still a choice, even if it's a difficult one.
You may be correct that the police can't make him leave.Why should they? He hasn't broken any law. Given the time he's lived with you, you may have to go to court and have him evicted, which I suspect is a civil issue, not a criminal one.
His own mother doesn't want him in her home. Why in the world should YOUR mother even be asked? I can't even fathom that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
First of all, make sure you know the facts and aren't just guessing about what the police will or won't do. Ask them. Let them know you are trying to get out of an abusive relationship and want to know your options. If he doesn't own your property, there are legal avenues for eviction you can investigate as well.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi UC, the lockdown isn't going to last forever so probably your first move would be to issue him a written eviction notice so that once things loosen up he'll know exactly where he stands and you'll have legal grounds to evict.
Another option, if he'll accept it, is to pay for a week in a hotel and have him pack his stuff and go. He may go for it because it would give him freedom to drink. Then do what you need to keep him from entering your house again, like changing the locks if necessary.
The point is to take action right away so you have an end date in sight even if it's not soon enough for you.
Another option, if he'll accept it, is to pay for a week in a hotel and have him pack his stuff and go. He may go for it because it would give him freedom to drink. Then do what you need to keep him from entering your house again, like changing the locks if necessary.
The point is to take action right away so you have an end date in sight even if it's not soon enough for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 115
I understand and empathize. I've been there, ventilators, hospitals. Then one day April 30, he went to the hospital, was put on the ventilator, taken off, and died. Without quitting alcohol, there's only one way out. You'll hurt regardless when this happens but less if you leave. Sorry and many hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
He is just doing what alcoholics do and that is drink… There are a lot of great resort specials going on as well as cheap airline tickets! I would find a lovely lovely lovely location as well as a very nice gift card good for cash at any liquor store and throw a very very lovely going away party with the Uber having the car running outside… No airline tickets no gift cards until he is on the plane! Just so you know this has certainly worked for me in the past with my drinking ask as he was absolutely mesmerized with the lights of Las Vegas and a bottle of booze for girlfriend… he now lives on skid row in LA... from the penthouse to the trapdoor in the basement Is what happens and Progressive alcoholism… Hit the eject button now!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
So now what... kick him on the street? Â I can’t
you can kick him out. Why do you get to be miserable while he is getting it all his own way? It amazes me how alcoholics will play the "no money, no where to go" game but seem to almost always find someone to take them on or prop them up. Don't feel bad. He didn't stick to his side of the deal. He probably has another option already lined up.
you can kick him out. Why do you get to be miserable while he is getting it all his own way? It amazes me how alcoholics will play the "no money, no where to go" game but seem to almost always find someone to take them on or prop them up. Don't feel bad. He didn't stick to his side of the deal. He probably has another option already lined up.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
