Don't even know what to think..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 195
Don't even know what to think..
So my AH has been very suspicious with his car lately. He never leaves the key around, hides it from me, his car is always locked in the garage, etc. We had heart to heart #5,724 the other day and I told him that the kids are now commenting on his drinking, I said it really needs to stop, blah, blah, blah. Tonight is the usual, he is sneaking drinks somehow because he is starting to slur his words, he goes to bed and I decide to see if he is hiding alcohol in his trunk again. I go through his closet, find his key and check his trunk, nothing, check his glove box and notice it's locked which is really strange, unlock it and find a stash of marijuana gummies. He has never, ever been one to smoke pot, or use any other drug. To say I am shocked and incredibly disappointed is a huge understatement. The weight of all this is just too much right now, I seriously can't handle it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Nd, really all of the choices now are yours. He is obviously not interested in being drug free, he's sneaking gummies in his locked glove box!
You get to decide if you are ok with this or not, with his drinking with his drug candy, all of it, unless you think heart to heart numbers 5,725 and 5,726 will be the breakthrough. Nothing you say to him is getting through, he just finds (what he thinks) is a way around your requests.
So really it only leaves two choices. Stay with him and accept it and distance yourself emotionally or leave. I know that sounds harsh but you can't force someone to change their actions, he is who he is.
You get to decide if you are ok with this or not, with his drinking with his drug candy, all of it, unless you think heart to heart numbers 5,725 and 5,726 will be the breakthrough. Nothing you say to him is getting through, he just finds (what he thinks) is a way around your requests.
So really it only leaves two choices. Stay with him and accept it and distance yourself emotionally or leave. I know that sounds harsh but you can't force someone to change their actions, he is who he is.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Sadly TrailMix is right, your AH (like mine) is going to do exactly what he is going to do.
We either accept this or we have to take action. So leave or whatever is appropriate. We cannot expect them to change.
Sounds like you going through his stuff is making you ill.
We either accept this or we have to take action. So leave or whatever is appropriate. We cannot expect them to change.
Sounds like you going through his stuff is making you ill.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Nd, I don't think that any one of us ever wanted to believe that one of our loved ones is an alcoholic. Even when evidence piled up around us, we wanted so much for it not to be true and we wanted them to "just stop for God's sake!", we were still unable to accept it as a Reality.
But, at a certain point, there comes the recognition that it is undeniable and that our own efforts at trying to control it are not working.It is at that point that we come to another stage of our own journey with Alcoholic Hell. The point of acceptance, that, Yes, it is true. And, that, yes, we have finally lost the battle of trying to stop it; stymie it; control it; fix it.
For most of us, this reality hits like a kick to the gut, and our heart falls to the bottom of the ocean. We are stunned with our anger and fear---mostly, fear for the future---fear for the future unknowns.
I know that I have felt all of these things.
Then---after we pick ourselves up off the ground---we find that our world has, somehow shifted, and, in our acceptance of the unwanted reality, our burden is, if not lighter, is easier to bear. We can stop fighting THEIR alcoholism and begin to take action---to live for ourselves and our children who may have been caught in the web where they have to voice or power. Instead of struggling with the utter futility of it all, we can start taking definitive action. We begin to control what we CAN control. We begin to act in our own best welfare, and we begin to realize, that, somehow, we will make it and we will be o.k.
But, at a certain point, there comes the recognition that it is undeniable and that our own efforts at trying to control it are not working.It is at that point that we come to another stage of our own journey with Alcoholic Hell. The point of acceptance, that, Yes, it is true. And, that, yes, we have finally lost the battle of trying to stop it; stymie it; control it; fix it.
For most of us, this reality hits like a kick to the gut, and our heart falls to the bottom of the ocean. We are stunned with our anger and fear---mostly, fear for the future---fear for the future unknowns.
I know that I have felt all of these things.
Then---after we pick ourselves up off the ground---we find that our world has, somehow shifted, and, in our acceptance of the unwanted reality, our burden is, if not lighter, is easier to bear. We can stop fighting THEIR alcoholism and begin to take action---to live for ourselves and our children who may have been caught in the web where they have to voice or power. Instead of struggling with the utter futility of it all, we can start taking definitive action. We begin to control what we CAN control. We begin to act in our own best welfare, and we begin to realize, that, somehow, we will make it and we will be o.k.
Redmayne
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
Posts: 1,543
Some advice from Epictetus and his pupil.
' Whatever situation we confront we must first of all decide,'what's up to us'...
In other words we must decide what is and isn't in our control.
What is not under our control, our parents,family,friends, the weather,the economy, our bodies, although we can diet and exercise, our deaths and just about everything else...
What is under our control, our opinions, perceptions, judgements and desires.' - Epictetus
'The only power you have is over your mind, all the rest is external.
Remember this and you WILL gain strength,' - Marcus Aurelius
In other words we must decide what is and isn't in our control.
What is not under our control, our parents,family,friends, the weather,the economy, our bodies, although we can diet and exercise, our deaths and just about everything else...
What is under our control, our opinions, perceptions, judgements and desires.' - Epictetus
'The only power you have is over your mind, all the rest is external.
Remember this and you WILL gain strength,' - Marcus Aurelius
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 195
Thank you for your responses, all very true. I have had such a very heavy weight on my chest all day. Still walking around with that irrational thought that things really aren't that bad yet to warrant drastic action. Sick I know.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Nd, if you are not ready for "drastic action", you are not ready. Perhaps, the best thing is to begin to prepare yourself for your own future (and that of your children), in baby steps."How does a jug fill with water? One drop at a time".
I have a couple of suggestions of where to begin.1. Visit a counselor/therapist with the specific goal of exploring how to address the alcoholism with your children. They are very aware of it, even if they don't talk about it. Being honest with children, and addressing the reality of the elephant in the living room is very important in helping them, as they are already teenagers and will carry this stuff with them into their adult lives.
2. Getting the literature from the group "Adult Children of Alcoholics" and learning how this affects those who have grown up with addiction or alcoholism in the home. It could help you, also. It can be enlightening and comforting and give hope.After all, Knowledge is Power.***You can order these materials from amazon.com, in the book section.
I have a couple of suggestions of where to begin.1. Visit a counselor/therapist with the specific goal of exploring how to address the alcoholism with your children. They are very aware of it, even if they don't talk about it. Being honest with children, and addressing the reality of the elephant in the living room is very important in helping them, as they are already teenagers and will carry this stuff with them into their adult lives.
2. Getting the literature from the group "Adult Children of Alcoholics" and learning how this affects those who have grown up with addiction or alcoholism in the home. It could help you, also. It can be enlightening and comforting and give hope.After all, Knowledge is Power.***You can order these materials from amazon.com, in the book section.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
see how he threw that back on YOU without taking a single iota of responsibility?
unless you strapped him down and shoved a funnel down his throat and then poured the alcohol in, you cannot MAKE another person drink.
you also cannot make another person NOT drink.
let him own this. cancel the heart to heart talks (where i believe only your heart is involved). you do have enough information on his intentions. it just make take more time to truly sink in.
unless you strapped him down and shoved a funnel down his throat and then poured the alcohol in, you cannot MAKE another person drink.
you also cannot make another person NOT drink.
let him own this. cancel the heart to heart talks (where i believe only your heart is involved). you do have enough information on his intentions. it just make take more time to truly sink in.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yes, that is what they do. They try to avoid taking any blame and turning it back on you. Gaslighting in a terrible way.
Only you can decide if this is how you want to live. He is not going to change, so you have to look at your life and decide what you are going to change. Maybe that means leaving. Maybe it means detatching and giving yourself space within the house. It should mean the support of a counselor.
You can decide what you want that to look like.
Sending you a big hug.
Only you can decide if this is how you want to live. He is not going to change, so you have to look at your life and decide what you are going to change. Maybe that means leaving. Maybe it means detatching and giving yourself space within the house. It should mean the support of a counselor.
You can decide what you want that to look like.
Sending you a big hug.
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