Should I maintain contact?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 9
Should I maintain contact?
Hello,
I am in need of some advice. I met my alcoholic some five months ago and fell head over heels for him. He's eighteen years older than me, twice divorced and has two daughters. He's been having drinking problems for some eight years and has a history of crack abuse as well (some twenty years ago). He's been in a treatment facility some six times, always managed to stay sober for some time, but then always started drinking again. He says it feels like he has no control over it, like it's an another person who takes over him and he's then left to pick up the pieces when he manages to get sober.
His last treatment lasted six weeks and because he doesn't have a job or a place to stay due to recent divorce (he also owes some money - just to make the picture complete), I thought it would be perfect for him to come stay with me when he's discharged! (Yes, I know, I am thick as a brick.) He managed to stay sober for nine days - and those nine days were perfect. I've never met a guy who would be so nice, caring and loving to me and it still breaks my heart.
Then he started drinking some three litres of vodka per day and you all know how the scene changed after that - he didn't care about me or his children anymore, he only wanted to drink. On the sixth day I snapped and called the police, because what he was doing to the flat and himself was absolutely revolting. I think the main reason for my actions was the fact that he just wasn't there anymore. He became a creature I didn't recognize, and I missed him so much I just couldn't bear to see him like that.
So I effectively made him homeless. He doesn't have any money, so he ultimately became sober (which wasn't a pleasant process) and contacted me through social services (his cell phone had been stolen). We met and after some rebuking and remorse we both started crying like crazy. He was absolutely desperate, he desperately wants to stop drinking but he just CANNOT. He told me he wants to go to rehab again and is going to be admitted on monday. He wants to stay there six months - hopefully to rewrite his addicted brain. His parents and sister don't want to be in contact with him anymore (his mom calls me for news), his daughters adore him but right now he doesn't have any means to contact them and is completely done for.
What I want to ask you is this. Should I maintain contact with him? I still love him very much, but I don't know if it's not better for him to hit the rock bottom and don't have any hope, if you know what I mean. I am afraid he will be doing it for me again and that it won't help him at all, because he has to do it for himself. Should I give him hope? Or should I leave him to find it somewhere else (himself, repairing the relationship with his daughters, parents, hopefully God)? It's very hard for me, because I love him very much, but I want to help him and if it's better for him if I stay out of his life, I will do it. I believe he loves me also and became really fixed on the idea of being with me.
Thank you.
Bára
I am in need of some advice. I met my alcoholic some five months ago and fell head over heels for him. He's eighteen years older than me, twice divorced and has two daughters. He's been having drinking problems for some eight years and has a history of crack abuse as well (some twenty years ago). He's been in a treatment facility some six times, always managed to stay sober for some time, but then always started drinking again. He says it feels like he has no control over it, like it's an another person who takes over him and he's then left to pick up the pieces when he manages to get sober.
His last treatment lasted six weeks and because he doesn't have a job or a place to stay due to recent divorce (he also owes some money - just to make the picture complete), I thought it would be perfect for him to come stay with me when he's discharged! (Yes, I know, I am thick as a brick.) He managed to stay sober for nine days - and those nine days were perfect. I've never met a guy who would be so nice, caring and loving to me and it still breaks my heart.
Then he started drinking some three litres of vodka per day and you all know how the scene changed after that - he didn't care about me or his children anymore, he only wanted to drink. On the sixth day I snapped and called the police, because what he was doing to the flat and himself was absolutely revolting. I think the main reason for my actions was the fact that he just wasn't there anymore. He became a creature I didn't recognize, and I missed him so much I just couldn't bear to see him like that.
So I effectively made him homeless. He doesn't have any money, so he ultimately became sober (which wasn't a pleasant process) and contacted me through social services (his cell phone had been stolen). We met and after some rebuking and remorse we both started crying like crazy. He was absolutely desperate, he desperately wants to stop drinking but he just CANNOT. He told me he wants to go to rehab again and is going to be admitted on monday. He wants to stay there six months - hopefully to rewrite his addicted brain. His parents and sister don't want to be in contact with him anymore (his mom calls me for news), his daughters adore him but right now he doesn't have any means to contact them and is completely done for.
What I want to ask you is this. Should I maintain contact with him? I still love him very much, but I don't know if it's not better for him to hit the rock bottom and don't have any hope, if you know what I mean. I am afraid he will be doing it for me again and that it won't help him at all, because he has to do it for himself. Should I give him hope? Or should I leave him to find it somewhere else (himself, repairing the relationship with his daughters, parents, hopefully God)? It's very hard for me, because I love him very much, but I want to help him and if it's better for him if I stay out of his life, I will do it. I believe he loves me also and became really fixed on the idea of being with me.
Thank you.
Bára
Living in the moment
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 167
Where I would remain in contact is here and Al-Anon. This disease of addiction/alcoholism also touches us in ways that are sneaky and detrimental. Recovery from this is a really good thing. We can come out much stronger than we ever imagined.
https://www.al-anon.org/
https://www.al-anon.org/
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,001
Hi Susan. Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us.
The best thing you can do is start educating yourself about addiction as well as codependency. Also figure out what is his side of the street and which is yours. Focus on your side. Alanon and the book Codependent No More have helped many around here.
As much as I hope your friend finds permanent sobriety, it doesn't look hopeful. Folks usually suggest staying away from an alcoholic until he/she has a solid year sober.
Take care of yourself and let us know how you get on.
The best thing you can do is start educating yourself about addiction as well as codependency. Also figure out what is his side of the street and which is yours. Focus on your side. Alanon and the book Codependent No More have helped many around here.
As much as I hope your friend finds permanent sobriety, it doesn't look hopeful. Folks usually suggest staying away from an alcoholic until he/she has a solid year sober.
Take care of yourself and let us know how you get on.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Hi Susan. I agree with Bekind, is this a relationship you want. Remember, he is not just the nice guy you like to be around he is also very much the alcoholic. Try not to separate these two things, he is both at all times.
I say this because it is all too easy to fall in love with someone's potential, but they are not their potential they are who they are right now today. If he is going to rehab that's great and I wish him well and I know you do too but I think you are on the right track thinking it might be best to stay away from contact while he is.
This is because rehab and then recovery is a big, big job, he will swing from one emotion to another and it's very tough for them and also for anyone else (you) they are taking along for the ride. Once he has his six months under his belt, you might allow some periodic contact perhaps, but yes, a full year before trying a relationship is a really good idea because he needs to heal and dealing with a relationship can be hard and also because you probably don't want to be on that particular rollercoaster.
I hope you keep posting.
I say this because it is all too easy to fall in love with someone's potential, but they are not their potential they are who they are right now today. If he is going to rehab that's great and I wish him well and I know you do too but I think you are on the right track thinking it might be best to stay away from contact while he is.
This is because rehab and then recovery is a big, big job, he will swing from one emotion to another and it's very tough for them and also for anyone else (you) they are taking along for the ride. Once he has his six months under his belt, you might allow some periodic contact perhaps, but yes, a full year before trying a relationship is a really good idea because he needs to heal and dealing with a relationship can be hard and also because you probably don't want to be on that particular rollercoaster.
I hope you keep posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 9
Thank you very much for your replies. Right now, I am miserable, but also determined to focus on myself and my own problems, which aren't scarce either.
I shall see him tomorrow and am going to tell him that he may call me sometimes, but I won't come visit him and if he wants to meet, than only after those six months of sobriety.
And I stay open to new relationships, although I don't exactly desire one at the moment. First, I have to educate myself about codependency
Thank you!
Bára
I shall see him tomorrow and am going to tell him that he may call me sometimes, but I won't come visit him and if he wants to meet, than only after those six months of sobriety.
And I stay open to new relationships, although I don't exactly desire one at the moment. First, I have to educate myself about codependency
Thank you!
Bára
Living in the moment
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 167
It's okay to step back and say nothing. Get help and support for yourself, take things one day at a time and simply in this day "focus on self". Start getting in tune to what you need -- without an ex or next involved.
Focusing on ourselves doesn't need a declaration to someone else.
Focusing on ourselves doesn't need a declaration to someone else.
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