StuckInMyHead

Yesterday I received some news at work that caused my anxiety to skyrocket. Funny thing is that the news is actually positive for me as I’m being asked to take on more responsibility. My anxiety, which is my primary drinking trigger, has been kept in check lately as I’ve been able to work from home over the past month and a half and I haven’t been asked to do much “heavy lifting” in terms of managing people or developing new business for my company during the pandemic. It’s been a nice break. I’m now being asked to take over another sizeable division of our company which is in a space that I’m not too familiar with and is comprised of primarily younger employees that need quite a bit of hand holding. While I would normally be up to the task, for some reason I’m extremely anxious about the added responsibilities and don’t feel necessarily deserving - this is where I’ll insert that I suffered a childhood full of toxic shame so the feeling of being “less than” runs very deep. I was about 2 hrs from an introductory conference call with my newest reports when the urge to drink away my anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks. Without hesitation I jumped in my car and headed for the liquor store telling myself that this one time would be okay. Got a few miles away, reminded myself of where this temporary relief would ultimately lead me and convinced myself to return home. After multiple attempts at sobriety over the past two years, I need this to be different. I’m at 46 days. I wanted to post to let others know that the alcohol the we are all powerless over will try to take you back but we have to resist that first drink as tempting as it may be. I could taste it. I could smell it. I could already feel the relief and relaxation entering my mind and body with that first drink. But I could also see myself falling back into the grips of the evil that would ultimately kill me one way or another. Â Stay strong my fellow addicts. We need each other.Â

least

Glad you didn't give in to the lie. As you get more sober time, living sober will become your new normal and you won't get the urge to drink so much or as strongly. It gets better!

Misssy2

Wow..that is amazing...I never come back from that big of a desire to drink!Very close call...glad for you that you held out that is awesome.

nez

Goodatcha StuckInMyHead!!! Feels good when you do that and turn from the temptation, doesn't it? I distinctly remember the last time I relapsed and drank...and that was over 17 years ago! As the beer went down my throat a voice in my head said "Ahhh, honeydew vine water", at the exact same time, another voice said "S*^t, here we go again." When I say no way, no how to alcohol, I only hear one voice and it is saying "Attaboy! You can do this!"

Anna

Congratulations on Day 46 and good for you for getting through that craving. I'm very familiar with the toxic shame and feeling 'less than'. Keep in mind that your boss/bosses believe that you can do this job which is why they've asked you to do it. You got this!

StuckInMyHead

ÂÂ “S#^t here we go again” is EXACTLY what I said right before I took the first drink the last time I relapsed. I knew, and continue to know, where it’s going to head. ÂÂ Exactly why this time was different, I don’t know but I can think back to all of the times I didn’t turn around even though just about every instinct in my mind and body told me that I was about to makeÂÂ a very bad decision. I’m just thankful for whatever gave me the conscience to make the right call. The craving is still there today but I slept like a baby last night and that alone is worth more than any drink of evil. Appreciate your support!

StuckInMyHead

I think my anxiety in this situation has to do with the fact that many of the great things I’ve done in my career were done while buzzed or just flat out drunk and I’m not confident in sober me. I have faith that it will get easier as I adjust to actually feeling true emotions and learning how to cope but right now it’s pretty darn intimidating. Â Thank you for being here and making yourself available.

StuckInMyHead

“New Normal” I think I’ll write that down on a post-it note and put that on my mirror, computer monitor and door to my garage so I see it often. For some reason that simple phrase says so much about our decision to seek sobriety. Thank you.Â