danitemple

Hello everyone! Just joined this site to find some resources and advice on my situation.

I (28) currently live with my boyfriend (33), we've been dating about 4 months or so starting sometime in December 2019. He was a heavy drinker way before we met, and when we spent New Years together he revealed that he really wanted to quit. Another few months went by and he didn't stop, even then I wasn't fully aware of how bad it was. He had been getting 3 - 4 high content beers a night, plus a whole bunch of vodka, drinking till blackout nearly every day. There was a day in early March where he drank a lot when I wasn't looking, and his demeanor changed so abruptly it freaked me out (wasn't the first time). I said to him that day if he wanted to quit for real I would support him, but he had to be serious. He said okay, and we removed all the alcohol from the house that evening.

Fast forward to that weekend, we go to a friends house in the morning to do a movie watch party, when he started having severe withdrawal symptoms. We went to the hospital that day, thy say he was close to having a seizure, before that neither of us knew how dangerous quitting cold turkey is. After he recovered from the worst of it (a little over a week), we decided to seek a doctor's help with his journey. Found a guy who recommended the Vivitral shot, so we went with that. So far he's been doing pretty darn well, it's been a little over a month sober now. He says he has cravings but they're very slight and pass quickly, and I couldn't be more proud of him for taking this step, especially with everything that's going on in the world right now (he was furloughed from his job mere moments after getting the shot, so he's out of work until corona is over with.)

HOWEVER,

The reason I am on here today is, as the title eludes, is because of his sex drive. Since quitting he has had zero desire, which I have read is very common. He asked me not to come on to him for a while, since it doesn't seem to be active right now. Objectively I am fine with this, as I love this man dearly. Both of us come from previous marriages that did not succeed and we are 1000% happier with one another relationship wise. And when we were sexually active, it was honestly the best I've ever experienced. I am human and young, so my drive is rather high and it has been terrible wanting him so much and not being able to express it. I have brought it up only once since this all began, and he assures me it isn't anything to do with me our us, just him recovering and re-learning his body. He hadn't had sex NOT drunk in nearly 10 years, so I understand it's going to take time. I do know that he is masturbating some, and learning this hurt me some because of how badly I want to be intimate, but per our previous conversation, I don't want to be rude or selfish and come after him about it. After all, self pleasure and intercourse are very different things.

I guess I just wanted to hear some other folks experiences, maybe some advice. I have read a little bit on this site already and it has been really helpful. If you or a loved one experienced this when quitting, how long did this phenomenon last for you? Did you recover in stages? Did it come back better than before? Or was it permanently altered or damaged?

Any feedback you are willing to share will be MOST appreciated

Nd819

Hello and welcome although I am sorry for what brings you here. Unfortunately I can't answer your question, my AH has never stopped drinking long enough to find out how it effects his sex drive. I can tell you his drinking certainly effects mine .I do know from reading a lot on here that quitting drinking and recovery from alcoholism seems to be a long and difficult process. I have seen so many stories where the partner that quits drinking wants to step away from the relationship, not sure if that is what is happening or if your boyfriend just needs some time. I am hoping that he is working some sort of program, he really needs to address the underlying issues that were causing the drinking. Please keep your eyes open, life with an active alcoholic is not one I would wish on anyone. Good luck and I hope you stick around!

danitemple

Thank you for responding! I am hoping he just needs time as well, I am probably just too impatient. I am trying to just be understanding and supportive as I am certain this is a once in a lifetime kind of relationship. I can't help but wonder though, which is why I came on here.

doggonecarl

It might not have anything to do with quitting, per se, but instead a side effect of Vivitrol.

trailmix

Hi and welcome. I hope you stick around as well. There is a lot to learn about alcoholism and there is a lot of information here at SR. I personally think it's important to learn about how alcoholism can affect someone for your own peace of mind, not for him, he can take care of himself, of course.Alcohol abuse changes a person physically and mentally, it can take quite some time to recover. I hope he is part of some group, like AA or in therapy?Sorry I have nothing to add to you question, but I do wish you well with that.Being in a relationship with an alcoholic can be a very hard road to take. - - Sorry about the formatting, there are a few bugs in the software here at the moment!

trailmix

Here is a link to some of the stickies that can be found at the top of this forum, you might find them helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

schnappi99

Its a thing between my wife and I also- she stopped drinking but doesn't have a noticeable program. However, Alanon has taught me a few things, such as her recovery is her business. I think much of our sex over the 10 years before I got into recovery (and her stopping drinking) involved her at least somewhat drunk- he hid it very well and was mixing with ambien/xanax for some time too. Towards the end it was pretty messy.


After the recovery/stopping her sex drive has dropped to 0, along with much of her ability or interest in communication. The lack of emotional connection is very obvious and over the last 6 yrs since it hasn't changed much. She is chronically depressed and not interested in getting her head clear or much in the way of self-care either. Being in alanon I'm all about getting out of that old headspace, so am all in with the steps and fellowship etc- she has stayed mostly solitary except with her knitting/sewing group (which takes her out of the house quite a bit).

So what is my part? I have a reasonably normal drive, I spent the first few years in Alanon slowly realizing how attached I was and somewhat still am to sex. It acted in me very much like an addiction. As the spiritual work progressed I decided to renounce porn, as a test- which has been interesting. A couple of the ladies from the centerfolds I saw as a teen stopped haunting me when I researched the sad back-stories and the desire to be involved with the stuff has faded.

So yea, nothing wrong with sex drive, but the question is what do you do about it- how attached are you to it. The serenity prayer has a lesson here- have the serenity to accept what you cannot change- I find it needs some of the courage as well.
For my part, I don't really buy the argument that my mind presents, that I could exit the marriage (with a 14yr old daughter in the mix) and have a physical relationship again - that unevolved 18yr old libido says all kinds of stuff but times have changed.

That is not to say I'm advocating any position wrt staying or leaving- but I would suggest is get clear on what you want in the relationship, and the tradeoffs. In my case, the prospect of a 52 yr old man leaving a functional marriage with a kid in the mix so I can get laid again is not appealing, or frankly kind & considerate to anyone. The 18yr old libido doesn't speak that language, that is my recovery voice.

Gratification of desire is not freedom, freedom is no longer being dragged around by it.

Most days I'm mostly OK with the situation- sometimes I have to let off the steam but such things don't entail a lot of drama now.