pizza67

I. Am. So. Stupid.Â
He asked me at Easter what I saw as the issues he has that make the kids hate him, and after he kept pestering me, I reluctantly told him. Then he didn’t drink since. I thought maybe he was fearing that I will tell him to leave when the lockdown ends, so he’d better fix himself up. Â I should have known by his continued protestations and criticisms that he didn’t really buy into what I said.Â
What really was going on was he wasn’t going out to buy during the pandemic. Then we find out the lockdown is extended. Â And suddenly....he has a burning desire to go pick up our prescriptions. Â (He usually does zip around the house.) Â
I just stared at him evenly and said “don’t do that. Â You’ll ruin things. The kids were warming up to you.” Â He scoffs and tells me there’s plenty he could tell us not to do. Â Then I thought about my boundaries and said “I guess you’ll do whatever you want. Â But I’m telling you what WE can’t take.” Â Of course he mocked that, too.Â

Bekindalways

Ugh Pizza. Yeah, he doesn't sound interested in really figuring this out.
I'm so sorry you are quarantined with him.

PeacefulWater12

My experience has been that there is an underlying motive to an A's questions and is wisest to not get involved. Detaching is best for all concerning.

pizza67

You are very much correct. I really tried to avoid answering but he kept badgering and he thinks he’s always right, so I guess I took the opportunity to tell him he isn’t. I haven’t yet figured out what his underlying motive is though.

SparkleKitty

And you don't have to. It's his business, I promise it won't make any sense to you, and it will only encourage you to keep focusing on him rather than yourself.

pizza67

Yep: nothing he says makes sense to me. Like this fine Easter Quacker I got: he drinks
because he has fond memories of us drinking and having fun in college and so he associates drinking with that.
A) We didn’t drink all that often. I never liked it.
B) I haven’t had a drink in at least a decade.
C) College? We are in our FIFTIES.

OMG.

trailmix

It's kind of a waste of time to try to figure out what his motive is because it probably changes.
Easter was 2 weeks ago, who knows, maybe he was actually thinking about getting his act together.
Now it's a new day, he would really like a drink (and that will happen if he wants it to, so just a heads up), so what might have been a fairly solid conversation 2 weeks ago becomes a reason to fire back at you and get to the store for a drink!ÂÂ Maybe his mood changed.
Alcohol changes the brain. You can't expect him to be rational all the time, he is an addict. Well you can and you will be disappointed over and over.

AnvilheadII

just as the solution for Charlie Brown is to quit engaging with Lucy in the football gotcha, the solution for dealing with a self-absorbed alcoholic despot is to quit engaging. period. don't even try to make "sense" of it. it's a waste of time and energy. and right now, we all need to marshal our resources as we deal with a global threat to our health, safety and way of life.
he can stand there with his finger on the tip of the ball all day long, but you do not have to go out and try to kick it. it can be a non-issue.

Hawkeye13

Yep--drop the rope and the tug-of-war cannot happen.
Check out the grey rock approach--google or look on search here for details.

pizza67

I know grey rock. It’s a good approach when it’s just you and AH. But when he picks fights with the kids, well, I’m not just gonna stand by. The kids wouldn’t have it if I tried.

PeacefulWater12

My AH yesterday tried to engage me in the "I will change the type of drink I drink and then I won't be an alkie anymore" debate!
Noooooooooooow, back when I was in full codie mode and that was the only way I knew to be. I would have sat and listened to this fascinating, very detailed, very long discussion for erm, at least a couple hours out of my day.
Yesterday, he launched into the first few words of this nonsense, I realised, casually got up and wandered off to another area of the house to do something fun and interesting that I enjoyed.
It is all baloney. EVERYTHING is making it ok in their heads to drink! Everything they say, think and do. Once you see that, you cannot unsee it.
When my alcohol addiction was active, it was what I did. We all just do it.
A codie resisting the baiting of an alkie is as hard as resisting a big drink is to an alkie.
Btw, Anvilhead. "Alkie despot". Snort. I will be giggling about that all day.

pizza67

“Alkie despot”


So, he went “to the pharmacy” yesterday and showed up w two bottles of wine and a six pack...so as per my routine, I avoided him all evening. And now I’m getting the silent treatment—stomping and storming off, etc. Because we all know I’M the one who screwed up...