How do give support without being overbearing
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 64
How do give support without being overbearing
Hello again,
In the acute time of when an individual faces the fact that they are an alcoholic, how should I as a mother offer support without bugging the heck out of my adult child?
He was released from the hospital, last night, from issues related to chronic drinking. So actually he has not had alcohol for 6 days. This has been his first hospitalization ever. He stated he will address the alcoholism issue when thing normalizes. I don't happen to agree. So I told him that there were online meetings and he hung up on me. He then texted me and said he and his wife were discussing the best course of action. Please give them space.
So I am asking how would members of this forum address this? Leave him alone until he asks for help and support him by checking in every so often ? I don't want to bug the heck out of him. Just need some insight, Please
Thank you for your help and wisdom ahead of time.
In the acute time of when an individual faces the fact that they are an alcoholic, how should I as a mother offer support without bugging the heck out of my adult child?
He was released from the hospital, last night, from issues related to chronic drinking. So actually he has not had alcohol for 6 days. This has been his first hospitalization ever. He stated he will address the alcoholism issue when thing normalizes. I don't happen to agree. So I told him that there were online meetings and he hung up on me. He then texted me and said he and his wife were discussing the best course of action. Please give them space.
So I am asking how would members of this forum address this? Leave him alone until he asks for help and support him by checking in every so often ? I don't want to bug the heck out of him. Just need some insight, Please
Thank you for your help and wisdom ahead of time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
I would do exactly as he asked, give them space. If speaking to him I wouldn't bring it up at all. I also would recommend not "checking in" on him at all.
Why? Because getting sober (or not) is completely up to him, no one else, you can't do the work for him. You have no control over him. You risk becoming the enemy. He hung up on you, If you continue you can expect more of the same.
If he ASKS for your help in some way, you can consider that, until that time, it's best to keep your opinion to yourself.
Why? Because getting sober (or not) is completely up to him, no one else, you can't do the work for him. You have no control over him. You risk becoming the enemy. He hung up on you, If you continue you can expect more of the same.
If he ASKS for your help in some way, you can consider that, until that time, it's best to keep your opinion to yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Originally Posted by trailmix 
I would do exactly as he asked, give them space. If speaking to him I wouldn't bring it up at all. I also would recommend not "checking in" on him at all.
Why? Because getting sober (or not) is completely up to him, no one else, you can't do the work for him. You have no control over him. You risk becoming the enemy. He hung up on you, If you continue you can expect more of the same.
If he ASKS for your help in some way, you can consider that, until that time, it's best to keep your opinion to yourself.
Why? Because getting sober (or not) is completely up to him, no one else, you can't do the work for him. You have no control over him. You risk becoming the enemy. He hung up on you, If you continue you can expect more of the same.
If he ASKS for your help in some way, you can consider that, until that time, it's best to keep your opinion to yourself.
Luv, I just posted on your other thread and will repeat it here. The most powerful thing you can do right now is pay your son the compliment of treating him like an adult perfectly capable of solving his own problems if he so wishes to do so.
The best you can do right now is focus on your own problems, interests and self care. Also, you might look into Alanon and find a copy of Codpendent No More.
Stepping back in this situation is so NOT intuitive. Most of us didn't do this at first and made many mistakes as to boundaries but we learned and continue to do so.
Big big hug to you. I know this is terrifying.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
what does this support look like to you? because it sounds like you want to be more involved in HIS decision making and steer him in the direction YOU want.
he didn't ask for help or advice. he asked for space. give him that.
he didn't ask for help or advice. he asked for space. give him that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 64
Thank you and you people are so wonderful. I am terrified, Bekindalways. I asked for insight and that is what I need at this beginning stage of the game. I will back off and pray. I am seeking help/support for myself elsewhere in dealing with this. I am so very grateful for this source of support also, you have no idea. Thanks again
Living in the moment
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 167
How I learned how to do this, and continue to expand my skills: Al-Anon.
It seemed like a learning a foreign language.
I'm very glad for the experiences!
https://www.al-anon.org
It seemed like a learning a foreign language.
I'm very glad for the experiences!
https://www.al-anon.org
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
luvflowers…….you are being advised what is probably the hardest thing you have ever have had to do. As bekindalways said....it is the opposite of intuitive for us mothers. We want to know that that are o.k. and are on the right path NOW.
I am not surprised that he hung up on you....and, I know I t felt like a slap in the face, to you. However, it is a very, very typical reaction of someone with an "alcohol use disorder", who is not ready to face the issue. Yes, you become the enemy, in his mind.
He is probably very angry....angry that the thing that he feels that helps him to cope with emotions is being taken away from him. It is, to him, like asking a goldfish to give up water....impossible and unfair. If you are the one who is "nagging" him or pushing him...you become an unwelcome aggressor.
Also, alcoholics often feel a great stigma and shame...even if they never admit it. It can make them very defensive.....and, this is one reason that alcoholics can accept feedback from another alcoholic, in the AA groups, because they do not feel judged within the group...the group of peers.
Luv....this is where you will have to "Let Go and Let God"----I actually call it "Let Go and Let The Universe. The Universe has many forces (much more than you do)….and he will receive many messages in many ways from many directions,
His own body is giving him messages, right now. He will receive messages from his wife (perhaps) and his friends, and from his professional arena, and from any professionals that he may have contact with. And, especially, any alcoholics in recovery that he might encounter....and, many other sources and ways that we cannot even know of.
My suggestion, to you, is to not even mention it again. Because he will resent you "pushing your agenda for him".....Don't "check" on him. Give him a wide berth....let him contact you whenever He wants to....and, listen if he wants to talk....and if he asks for advice....assure him that you know that he can use his own good judgement. lol....he may be shocked, at first...lol...…
Your job and focus and energy will need to be directed in another direction....otherwise, you will probably worry yourself to death.....
You will need to get all the help that you can muster...and, learn...learn...learn all that you can about your own self and how to become a "hands-off mother".
Actually, I think we become even better mothers when we become hands-off.
Who knew?
I am not surprised that he hung up on you....and, I know I t felt like a slap in the face, to you. However, it is a very, very typical reaction of someone with an "alcohol use disorder", who is not ready to face the issue. Yes, you become the enemy, in his mind.
He is probably very angry....angry that the thing that he feels that helps him to cope with emotions is being taken away from him. It is, to him, like asking a goldfish to give up water....impossible and unfair. If you are the one who is "nagging" him or pushing him...you become an unwelcome aggressor.
Also, alcoholics often feel a great stigma and shame...even if they never admit it. It can make them very defensive.....and, this is one reason that alcoholics can accept feedback from another alcoholic, in the AA groups, because they do not feel judged within the group...the group of peers.
Luv....this is where you will have to "Let Go and Let God"----I actually call it "Let Go and Let The Universe. The Universe has many forces (much more than you do)….and he will receive many messages in many ways from many directions,
His own body is giving him messages, right now. He will receive messages from his wife (perhaps) and his friends, and from his professional arena, and from any professionals that he may have contact with. And, especially, any alcoholics in recovery that he might encounter....and, many other sources and ways that we cannot even know of.
My suggestion, to you, is to not even mention it again. Because he will resent you "pushing your agenda for him".....Don't "check" on him. Give him a wide berth....let him contact you whenever He wants to....and, listen if he wants to talk....and if he asks for advice....assure him that you know that he can use his own good judgement. lol....he may be shocked, at first...lol...…
Your job and focus and energy will need to be directed in another direction....otherwise, you will probably worry yourself to death.....
You will need to get all the help that you can muster...and, learn...learn...learn all that you can about your own self and how to become a "hands-off mother".
Actually, I think we become even better mothers when we become hands-off.
Who knew?
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