Aquiana

I've been working the last little while on trying to keep my nose out of bf's business. I've been trying to stop myself from nagging, lecturing and pointed little comments here and there. I've caught myself several times in the last few weeks just having to add a little something in even when I tell myself I'm not going to do it. Example, when bf wanted to go out last week I told myself to just let him go but I had to put in at the end of conversation, "Don't do anything bad though." Right after it came out of my mouth I thought "There you go again." I swear I wish my lips came with a zipper so I could close it off sometimes. We were arguing a little last night about something unrelated to drinking and as he was getting hotter with me, the more I started losing control of my tongue again. I tried to tell myself to just be quiet but things just kept spewing out. I want to stop reacting so strong. Anyone have any ideas?

Even putting this bf aside, I know I have to work on sticking my two cents into everything. My mom used to do that to my brother, dad and I and we all hated it. I think I got my dads short fuse and my mom's.. well momlyness. I hate it!

gelfling

It ain't the easiest thing to do. I was known as the fastest mouth within a 50 mile radius. Only kidding. But I did have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth and change feet all at the same time.

I am still overwhelmed often and would love the opportunity to slam someone with a comment. But I know that if I do, I'll **** everyone off and they'll be mad at me and I'll feel guilty even if I am right. OMG, can you tell I'm the wife of a AH. What a statement!!!!

This past weekend, the occasion arose and I reasoned it out thinking that whatever I had to say would have no effect on anyone other than me and I wasn't in the market for pain that day. We were at a wedding. And my husband and son recovering, it was a tough day. We left early when it started getting to loud to even communicate with who sat next to you.

Next time you're tempted, first ask yourself if you'll accomplish anything, will they listen to you, or follow your advice, suggestion or bi***ing. If the answer is no, turn around and walk away. With time, it will get easier. If I did you, you can too.

Hugs, Kathy

Lorelai

I could loan you the clothes pin I used. It can be a little painful but certainly does the job.

I trained myself (over time) to pause before I said anything and let my brain catch up with my mouth. It was really out of character for me because I've always been the one with the quick come back.

I find that if I just take a few seconds to think about what I'm going to say, most of the time I end up saying something completely different. I still screw up once in a while but I am much, much better at it.

Just the fact that you recognize what you're doing is a huge step in the right direction !
L

Aquiana

I hope it gets a little easier. It is so hard. I was really angry with myself the night he went out. I put so much effort into staying calm and pushing back all the emotions I wanted to let out, ( since I knew he was going to drink his face off) and then I said that at the end. All the effort went down the drain since I knew what I had actually just said was "By the way, I don't trust you as far as I can throw ya" although I had used different words. I know thinking before I speak is the key but my mouth tends to have a tendency to "override" my brain.

Lorelai

All of your effort didn't go down the drain. Every time you try, you get better. Babies don't just jump up and run across the floor - we're not going to just turn around and change all of our habits in an instant.

All that is required is that you keep trying. It's a process. Believe me, it gets easier, it is worth it and you can do it.
Hugs - L

minnie

Aquiana

Have a look at my thread below called "struggling". I've done the same thing, but like you, I am just learning. That's ok. We can make mistakes. As long as we learn from them.

Progress not perfection. Keep saying it to yourself. And do what I'm doing - keep your mouth shut!!

Love

Minnie
xxxx

osier59

Aquiana,

One of the oldtimers at my meetings used to say "THINK before you speak

Is what you have to say:"

Truthful
Honest
Important
Nice
Kind

"If not", she said , "then don't say it."

I thought it was a great thing to think about, hard as heck to follow through sometimes !

Hugs and love,
Barb

Ann

Jujubes!! That's what works for me. Just carry a big bag of Jujubes and every time your mouth outruns your recovery, just pop in a handful and all he will hear is "mmmmfglmchknzxu" :turbed

Hugs
Ann

Karivan

Hi Aquiana. I know what you mean. Today, he called me in a panic... his boss told him he had forgotten to get his secret clearance renewed, which has to be done every year and costs a lot. It expired 2 months ago! So, he not only had to go downtown and get it renewed and pay $160 for it which we didn't plan on but he lost 2 days of work because he can't work without it. Unpaid of course! His boss wasn't happy with him at all!

Oh man, I could have used Lorelai's clothes pin right then! I struggled so hard not to say what I was thinking and I'm sure you can imagine... All I could do was think let him reap the consequences let him reap the consequences let him reap the consequences.... keep your mouth shut keep your mouth shut... aauuurgghhhh He knew he screwed up although he kept blaming it on his work for not reminding him.. LOL. I had to tell him I think that was your responsibility. But I didn't want to tear him down and I didn't say anything bad to him so I think I did good. I used to tell him what a forgetful jerk he was in so many words. If it's possible for me to keep my mouth shut then it's possible for anyone!

Aquiana

lol That's great. I'd better be prepared to gain a few pounds. I was actually doing pretty good for a long time during out last spat but he was in a mood so he kept pushing....I mean he wouldn't drop it. So of course eventually I cracked. I'm thinking at the very least I should motivate myself by thinking that sometimes I'm sure that's exactly the reaction he wants.

I still can't seem to get the "doing things for myself concept". I really truly believe I am and then I catch myself thinking things like, "How come I'm trying all this and he's not doing anything?". In other words I realise I'm still only trying to get him to change only in a far more secretive way. How do you guys do it?