Basically fear and anxiety keeping me sober - plot twist
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Basically fear and anxiety keeping me sober - plot twist
Usually fear and anxiety drive me to drink. But my physical symptoms and anxiety during and after drinking has gotten so bad that I’m scared to drink. Which is great. It’s not enough to keep me sober though I know, but it is kind of its own little blessing. When you’re an alcoholic of my kind, I will take any sort of help I can get.
I’ve been staying pretty damn sober the last few months. A couple of slips. Exercise, and Antabuse have been really helpful for me. Too bad the exercise makes me eat like I have a damn tapeworm so I’m not losing weight. BUT, my blood pressure is back into the normal range which is great. And my relationship with my kids is just awesome. Last year in April I got drunk in front of my daughter who is 12. This was only the second time she’d seen me drunk and it affected her greatly. I’ve earned her trust back and it feels great. My ex is trusting me a lot more and asked if I wanted to stop doing alcohol monitoring while I had the kids. I told her I wanted to keep doing it because there is so much at stake and I’m not too proud to do what I know is right in my heart. Hell, I still have a breathalyzer in my car even though I’m not required to have it. I’m rambling. I just want to stay sober so I thought I’d check in and see if there were any posts that spoke to me, and there were.
I’ve been staying pretty damn sober the last few months. A couple of slips. Exercise, and Antabuse have been really helpful for me. Too bad the exercise makes me eat like I have a damn tapeworm so I’m not losing weight. BUT, my blood pressure is back into the normal range which is great. And my relationship with my kids is just awesome. Last year in April I got drunk in front of my daughter who is 12. This was only the second time she’d seen me drunk and it affected her greatly. I’ve earned her trust back and it feels great. My ex is trusting me a lot more and asked if I wanted to stop doing alcohol monitoring while I had the kids. I told her I wanted to keep doing it because there is so much at stake and I’m not too proud to do what I know is right in my heart. Hell, I still have a breathalyzer in my car even though I’m not required to have it. I’m rambling. I just want to stay sober so I thought I’d check in and see if there were any posts that spoke to me, and there were.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
JME, but that fear in early recovery was my friend. It motivated me to do what was needed to recover. Each time I got to something I didn't want to do, I would read something like' "If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking". Yikes! I better do it then. I wanted to end the misery more than anything, and the fear of going back there was a positive thing.
There were lots of other fears too along the way. Fear of failure, fear of rejection etc, But I eventually that the answer to normal life fears is faith that it will all work out. And it did.
Maybe I should add that there was a point where I was done with the stuff I feared, the uncomfortable things a good program of recovery seems to demand. That was when everything seemed to change. I no longer stayed sober out of fear. The sober life became so rewarding and attractive I would not change my worst day sober for my best day drinking. It wasn't choice either, it was just the new normal.
There were lots of other fears too along the way. Fear of failure, fear of rejection etc, But I eventually that the answer to normal life fears is faith that it will all work out. And it did.
Maybe I should add that there was a point where I was done with the stuff I feared, the uncomfortable things a good program of recovery seems to demand. That was when everything seemed to change. I no longer stayed sober out of fear. The sober life became so rewarding and attractive I would not change my worst day sober for my best day drinking. It wasn't choice either, it was just the new normal.
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Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 18
Thanks for your post. The breathalyzer comment is a good reminder. A few weeks before I quit drinking, I went on Amazon and bought a breathalyzer. I tested it out when it came - they work. I gave it to my wife the day I quit drinking, and I’ve asked her to randomly test me. She didn’t even flinch, as she knew I was finally serious about sobering up for the rest of my life. Last night, she pulled out the breathalyzer again and told me to try. 0000s across the digital read out. I could tell she was proud of me, and I tell you what... her being proud of me, her smile, knowing that I am building her trust again is amazing, and I hope that for all who have broken the trust of our loved ones. This also means that I can’t get complacent with a little bit of success. I learned that a day or two ago while reading on the forums. Thank you for your post and everyone who posts here.
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